Never, Ever...

In 1984, my 11-year-old self NEEEEEEDED to see Gremlins.  It was to be the most awesome-est movie my childhood would ever witness.

Stephen Spielberg and Joe Dante gave us a tale of buyer's remorse gone horribly, and hilariously, wrong and a couple of the most memorable creatures in the annuls of horror.

In case you have not seen this movie, shoot yourself right n... what's that?  Oh.  Dammit.  My lawyers tell me that instead of shooting yourself, you should pick Gremlins up on DVD at your earliest convenience.  In fact, it probably comes in a box set with Gremlins 2, The New Batch, which is also completely awesome although the humor isn't so dark and, in fact, veers directly into the goofy.

So, the story goes like this:  Randall Peltzer, an inventor, is coming back from a sales pitch meeting but has forgotten to purchase a Christmas gift for his son.  He stops in an old Chinese junk shop and tries to badger an old guy into selling him a creature known as a mogwai.  Old and Crusty tells him no because it's a huge responsibility but as Dad is leaving, the old man's grandson sells it to him, anyway because they need the cash and grampa is stubborn.  He makes sure, though, to inform Randall of the rules.

You all know the rules.  Say them with me, now.

1)  DO NOT expose it to bright light, especially sunlight (because it is, apparently, Irish and it burns easy).

2)  DO NOT get it wet (because wet fur smells gross).

And, most importantly,

3)  NEVER, EVER FEED IT AFTER MIDNIGHT!!  This is very, very important.  SO important that they don't tell you exactly WHEN "after midnight" stops.  But, the rule also includes the provisos "no matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg" so you KNOW it's ominous.

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUN!!

He names the calm, cool, collected and somewhat shy mogwai Gizmo, to the delight every child and merchandising agent in the world, and brings it home to Kingston Falls.

Enter Billy, Our Hero.  Boyfriend of Pheobe Cates (the fearer of Christmas), befriended of Corey Feldman and the asshole who, almost immediately, accidentally spills a glass of water on poor Gizmo, thus painfully creating more mogwai (because water is what they use to breed) who are not so calm, cool and collected and unplug Billy's alarm clock causing Billy to accidentally feed them after midnight (which turns them into the titular Gremlins) and unleashes the avalanche of craziness that soon overtakes the town.  Awesome, hilarious, craziness.

SHUT UP, MAN!  I'm tryin' to watch the movie!

Now, while the gremlins, themselves, are now iconic, Stripe, the leader, is memorable as the be-mohawked leader and is the cause of many a childhood nightmare (and, oddly, many an adult fetish... fuckin' Rule 34).

We all know that I can't stand PG horror but this was the holy grail to me as a kid.  Because it DID parody those 1950s "perfect little town gets invaded" films like The Blob and it was a modern fairy tale, what with its mysterious places and the cranky old lady and the rules that must be followed and the fact that it was the first horror movie that I got to watch without an adult present.  A lot of critics, however, were rough on it because of the level of violence.  This, along with Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, were directly responsible for the PG-13 rating that was added to the MPAA ratings system two months after Gremlins' release.

And it's all this guy's fault.

But, you know what?

It's still perfect to me, now.  I firmly believe that this is a modern horror classic that people should share with their children.  This is the hug and a cookie of horror movies and I adore it.

Nifty piece of trivia before you go?

The novelization of Gremlins actually gave them an origin:  They were genetically engineered, peaceful, contemplative creatures created on an alien world but they were biologically unstable, thus, the rules.

No origin was mentioned for them in either movie.

Get Stuffed!

Reviewer's Log:  Holiday Horror Day One.

OH GAWD MY EYYYYYYYYYES!!  WHY DOES THIS EXIIIIIIIIST!?!  WHAT LOVING GOD WOULD ALLOW THANKSKILLING TO BE MADE?!?

Before I go forward with this review let me preface with a disclaimer:

I actually did enjoy this movie but that is because I am a sick motherfucker that likes puppet shows.  Not like THAT, ya pervs.

No, this movie is unabashedly low budget, makes no pains to hide it and seems to strive for that ironic "let's be awful for the sake of being awful" feel that only bloggers and drag queens seem to get right.

It's got the trifecta of awfulness.  Bad acting, bad writing and bad special effects.  LOVE IT!

And a turkey puppet in a flesh mask being mistaken for a main character's father.

All this and MORE await you in this wonderful land of grindhouse horror and potential drinking games.  (Seriously, though, do NOT play a drinking game to this movie.  You will die and the sound of a liver drying to a withered husk is a horrible thing..  I do not want you to die.  I barely get site traffic as it is.)

The movie starts out with pilgrim boobs, even.  Like... STARTS with them.  Not that they interest me, PERSONALLY, but I'm sure there are some of you that feel a need to see a pilgrim running from a turkey puppet topless.

 Yes, this is in the movie, too, because everyone likes cartoons.

Pervs.

So, anyway, turns out that this turkey was necromanced (yes, that is a word they used in the movie) to punish the white man for stealing the Native Americans' land.  Beyond that, the only plot is "five friends from college go home for Thanksgiving break and get caught up in shenanigans after a redneck's dog pees on the turkey's mystical talisman."  It only goes downhill from there.

I mean, I'm not even sure this can even be called B-grade.  I mean, in all of the complexity of film don't we have more "grades" than A and B?  Is there a ZZZ-Grade somewhere?

Seriously, kids, this makes Piranha 3DD look like The Color Purple by comparison.  This movie LIVES on puns.  ALL THE PUNS.  There are none left.  You cannot have any.  No puns for you.

But, if you want to see boobs, moobs, ugly hillbillies with no purpose, possessed turkeys represented by puppets, gravy-flavored mini-condoms, a shotgun blast from the INSIDE and repeated use of the joke "Her legs are harder to close than the Jon-Benet Ramsey case," this movie is for you.

As an extra bonus, I even watched ThanksKilling 3, which, beyond all reason, is a worse puppet show than Meet the Feebles.  There is no ThanksKilling 2 and this is actually an integral part of 3.  Add a Thanksgiving themed theme-park, a gangsta rapper grandma, a gay space worm and a robot that shoots vortices out of it's ass and you know what kind of hell I put up with for you people.

You owe me.  I accept turkey legs.

Tis the Season.

In preparation for the next month, today's treasure trove of tropealiciousness is:

Drum roll, please...

Holiday Horror!

This exists.  And I must see it.

There exists a metric ass-ton of horror movies that occur on holidays.  SO many that it's been a running gag for DECADES, now.  Even Gremlins, one of the best Christmas horror movies ever made, referenced it in the sequel by having Phoebe Cates get all weirded out by Lincoln's Birthday.  Hilarious though it was, it still pointed out a sad fact of horror fandom.  The fact that there really does exist enough horror movies that occur on or around holidays for me to write snarky reviews about them for a month.

LOOK WHAT YOU'RE MAKING ME DO, HOLLYWOOD!!  You're the reason Daddy drinks.

This and Kristen Stewart's heroin hooker eyes.

From Alice, Sweet Alice (first communion, an ACTUAL holy day, at least for the individual involved), Halloween and Happy Birthday To Me to Thankskilling and The Bay, we, as horror fans, appear to LIVE to have someone's happy day (with or without presents) fucked up with gore and interesting implements of death.  Granted, some of these people deserve it.  Have you SEEN the assholes they write in horror films?  But, anyway, holidays, for the most part, are supposed to have some sense of solemnity.  There's a reason these days are important.  And along come horror directors to jerk our chain and give us a sense that they're trying not to laugh in church.  Dicks.

 

 

But... wait... THEY can do it.  I sense a double-standard, here.

So, why DO so many movies happen on holidays?

It comes down to a couple of simple things, really.

First off, writers are lazy bitches and holidays are handy reasons to get a largish group of people together at one time.  YAY, plot devices!  

 So, THIS is why we have Honey-fucking-Boo-Boo.

Second, particularly in the case of holidays that have more of a religious significance like Easter or Christmas, there exists the solemnity I mentioned earlier.  It's a very punk rock FUCK YOU to the world in general.  It's deliberate not-quite-disrespect and the general, non-horror-fan public most definitely feels this way.  

For example, the original release of Silent Night, Deadly Night in 1984 was heavily protested by the PTA because of the fact that the killer was dressed as Santa Claus and WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!  (Of course, they didn't take into account that children would not be seeing this movie and they were more concerned about the advertising than the film itself AND they completely missed Christmas Evil in 1980 which had the same premise, but I blame this on the fact that large groups of people tend to be kind of dumb.)

I don't quite get the disrespect, though, because, frankly, I live for these movies and I actually feel better about the traditional holidays after watching them.  Something about disrupting the "sanctity" of the day on film makes the real thing more meaningful to me (secularly, anyway, seeing as I'm an atheist).

In any case, celebrate away, my fellow gorehounds, enjoy your pre-Thanksgiving preparations, visit with the family, see your friends, and have a safe holiday.  I get to expose myself to b-grade trash for your pleasure over the next month.  

Be thankful it's not you.

Aww, MAN! I Hate Tests!

You remember my obsession with the freaks and geeks of the world, right?

I was HOPING that Joey Stewart's 2010 The Final would fit the bill and it very much did.

As avid a fan of the AfterDark Horrorfest as I was (I say was because they are now AfterDark Originals), I looked forward the the 8 new bits and bobs of terror they brought me ever year and, really, I still do.  They put out, for the most part, good product and The Final is no exception.  The only really BAD one I saw from AfterDark is fucking Nightmare Man.  That shit needs to be burned.

ANYHOO!  The Final is another one of those movies where the victim becomes the monster that I love so much.  When it comes to teenage revenge films, this is one of the more visceral and that makes me a happy nerd.

Maybe not this happy.

So, anyway, unlike May or Carrie, where you deal with a single scary loner who snaps, you're dealing with a bunch of kids who plan this shit out.  And you're dealing with nerds, here.  These are the kids who tutor you in chemistry.  Shit's about to go down.

The movie starts with a kind of montage of the torture that these kids go through every day which, in and of itself, should tell you that these kids have plenty to be pissed about.  So the kids decide to hold a party at a cabin in the woods that one of them just inherited.  Fortunately, no one knows who owns the place so all of the popular kids go "Like, OMG, a party!  Let's go!  There might be drugs!"

This is because popular kids are stupid, apparently.

And she's 16.  But her hair is fabulous.

And then the fun starts.  Remember what I said about chemistry?  It gets used A LOT!  Like a homemade paralytic (again, I still don't know where people get the needles... is there some kind of heroin junkie supply shop near all of these people?  One that advertises "Psycho Special, Buy One Get One Free, Sterilization Package Optional"?) and a kind of acidic paste that doesn't really eat your skin but, rather, makes it kind of melt.

 Not like this... but it would totally be worth it for all those wedgies.

This movie is DARK.  Like, blacker than black humor is even sparse.  These kids have had enough so they decide if they're gonna go out, they're going out with a bang.  Their leader doesn't even have pity for his own people and kills one of them for getting the one cool kid they liked a key to get out.

One of the cool things about this one is that it references a lot of other films, most notably Audition.  It's kind of fun to pick out the inspirations, here.

The sad thing is that, drugs, strange chemicals and the shepherding of popular kids to a kegger aside, this plot is 100% plausible.  The basis of this movie is the Columbine massacre, among other school shootings, where young outcasts lashed out at anyone and everyone.  And it's movies like this, along with my own life experience, that make me even more thankful for anti-bullying initiatives and programs like The Trevor Project.

As for my enjoyment of the film, The Final is bittersweet.  It's got a great plot and it's an awesome watch but the fact that it hits VERY close to home almost makes the torture porn worth it.  It's very much a revenge fantasy and while the idea of revenge is always interesting, we all know that all revenge really does is get your soul all sticky.  Your mileage on this one, as always, may vary.

John Carpenter, Eat Your Heart Out.

Here it is, folks.  The moment you've all been waiting for.  My directorial debut!

Presenting:  The Britney Blaire Witch Project, Parts 1 and 2.

Part 1

 

Part 2

Please note, these are intentionally bad and that is why I loved making them.  I know I'm not Cecil B. DeMille and I never claimed to be.  This was just FUN!

Thank you, Britney Blaire, for letting me do this with you!  You're amazing.

Geiger Counters and Shame

Never let it be said that I am not above capitalizing on a tragedy.  I write this blog, don't I?

Anyway, today's craptastic choice is Chernobyl Diaries.

It occurs to me that other than Sinister, the guy that created Paranormal Activity needs to stop getting paid.

Actually, no, I can't really say that.  I mean, he does come up with some pretty creative concepts.  His EXECUTION, on the other hand, leaves something to be desired.  Like, oh, I don't know... plot, direction and talent.

I get that actors need to start somewhere, I really do.  I also get that the easiest place to start is in horror movies because SO MANY young filmmakers cut their teeth on them.  I firmly blame this on the fact that there seems to be this standard cut-off age of about 35 or so when successful directors decide that horror does not suit their dramatic and artistic vision.  To that I say "Fuck you, Hollywood.  Stephen Spielberg needs to try and direct Jaws again with the same special effects crew and see if he can't make the shark work this time."

PEEK-A-BOO!

 

Now, that being said, I can tell that Oren Peli and Bradley Parker got some funding.  Not enough for them to make a movie in the United States but enough for a couple of steady-cams and a trip to Serbia.

So, the story goes like this:  A dude, his girlfriend and their bitter, recently-broken-up-with friend take a trip across Europe, stopping in Kiev to visit his brother who, it is assumed, works there.  They're supposed to go to Moscow but big brother convinces them to take a shady side trip with a shady "tour guide" to Pripyat, the town that housed the workers of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant and their factories.

Ummm... what part of "European vacation" says "I would like to expose my handsome and, most of all, fertile young body to nuclear fallout" to you?  Sorry, but I'm not going anywhere NEAR that place without a radiation suit, I don't care HOW many dark, artistic, emo pictures I can take.

 

 

 Universal symbol for angst or Pedobear dropping?  You decide.

But, I digress.

So, anyway, it turns out that the place is a popular hangout for packs of wild dogs and cannibal mutants.  

 

Near the site of a nuclear disaster.  

 

Who knew?

Now, this movie could have been great, if it weren't for the fact that it was a jumbled, confusing, where the hell am I cluster of what the fuck.  You kind of  had an idea where people were but you really didn't.  You knew that the city had to have limits but it really seemed like they spread the actors out too far away from each other to be of any help to one another.  It was like the worst game of Marco Polo EVER.  These idiots couldn't even help themselves with a fucking MAP.  And they did get one at one point.

Add to that the worst example of a tacked-on government conspiracy I've ever seen and this just adds up to a very forgettable movie experience.

It's not a completely horrible way to spend a couple of hours, but only if you're REALLY bored.