Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Seven Days of Saw: Day Four

Seven Days of Saw is still not Candy-Land at MK Horror. 

Which makes me sad...  I like candy.

Ultimate-Blog-a-Thon: It'sa Me! Guest Posting!

At my cousin's request, a reason to beat her friend with a sackful of oranges. 

Keepsake review over at Dog Farm. 

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Seven Days of Saw: Day Three

MK Horror continues her gory trip through one of the most successful movie franchises with Saw III.

One of my personal favorites out of the lot.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Shiny, White Boots

Bloodsucking Geek wants to take you dancing with his review of Herschell Gordon Lewis' Gore-Gore Girls.

Bring your ID.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Elle Ne Sera Pas Ignorée...

Jessica over at Gorror continues celebrating Women in Horror Month with her look at the 5 Craziest Bitches in Horror.

#4: Marie from Haute Tension.

No bunnies were harmed in the creation of this character analysis.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Jeff Goldblum is an Asshole

In continuing my discussion of remakes, I think I would be utterly remiss if I didn't broach the subject of David Cronenberg's 1986 MASTERPIECE, The Fly.

In 1957, George Langelaan wrote the short story "The Fly" which begat the 1958 sci-fi movie classic The Fly which begat Return of The Fly which begat Curse of The Fly which was just fucking abysmal.

On August 15, 1986, the world was treated to a grand, delicious ice-cream cone of gore and AIDS/Pro-Choice metaphor with sprinkles and a cherry on top in Cronenberg's remake.  While Cronenberg was already known for body horror with Videodrome and The Brood, The Fly would cement him as its king.

The 1986 flick is NOTHING like the short story, by the way.  Imagine my surprise.  Also, just as a disclaimer, this movie is 27 years old.  The statute of limitations for spoilers has passed.

Our story begins with Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum, who, as fantastic as he is here, is a twitchy mother fucker that needs a sedative in everything else), brilliant but eccentric and kind of shy scientist, meeting Veronica Quaife (whose name makes me giggle and is played by Geena Davis who needs more work as I kind of miss her) at a "meet the press" event held by Bartok Science Industries, who provide the funding for Brundle's experiments.

 

Already with the stalking, jeeeeeez...

Since this is the mid-eighties, they traipse off to Brundle's most excellent loft apartment where he gets Veronica's panties all moist with the sexy, sexy science.  See, he's built teleporter pods (telepods) that, thus far, can only transport inanimate matter.  So far, the "living things" part of the equation has eluded him and he could possibly have developed a taste for babboon stew because so far every time he's tried to teleport a babboon, it gets turned inside out.

Just add garlic and potatoes.

 

Apparently getting dick-deep in a be-permed amazon gets the brain juices flowing so he is finally able to reprogram the pods to successfully transport living material.  He wants to celebrate but Veronica bugs out on him and Seth, as lacking in social skills as he is, gets jealous and drunk. 

Outside of Brundle's nerd rage, though, Veronica is actually confronting her ex, Stathis Borans (whose name is stupid outside of Game of Thrones and is played by John Getz, who has a fantastic beard), whom she is concerned is going to scoop her on the story because he, too, is a jealous douchebag.  While those two hash it out, Seth teleports himself, not knowing that the titular filthy insect is in the pod with him.  

Because scientists don't think to check this sort of thing, apparently.  Nor do they program a teleporter to recognize more than one object.  Movie science be wacky and lacking in clean-room protocol, yo.

So, Brundle gets out feeling all new and clean and purified and powerful thanks to his new DNA.  He makes with the unsafe sexy-time with Veronica and suddenly, BAM!  'Roid rage.  He gruesomely snaps a guy's forearm in an arm-wrestling contest and snags the nearest hoochie for pelvis-pounding and she runs screaming when he tries to force her to use the pods and Veronica delivers the film's catch-phrase.  And then?  His fingernails start falling out.  He checks the computer and finds out that he now shares DNA with a fly and that there's no way to reverse it.

Plus, now he has to mop the walls.

The rest of the movie is a visual representation of the best descent into madness I've ever seen.  As much as I am not a fan of the Goldblum, his twitchiness lent that extra kick that forced me to believe him as he transformed from Seth Brundle to Brundle-Fly.  Of course, the Oscar­™-winning special effects, being spot-on, did their share, too. We see him transform from human to human-fly hybrid, complete with the disgusting removal of parts (kept in little jars) and discovering that he can't eat solid food, anymore, so he has to vomit enzymes onto his food and slurp it up like a shake.

On the Veronica side of the coin, she's a little panicky because she's now pregnant.  Brundle-Fly is gonna be a daddy and he begs her to keep the baby.  In a seriously awesome dream-sequence with Cronenberg himself playing the OB-GYN, Veronica does keep it and gives birth to a 3-foot-long maggot.  Eeeeeeeeew.  This causes Veronica to want to have an abortion in the worst way and she and Stathis convince a doctor to perform one in the middle of the night.  Brundle abducts her, Stathis tries to rescue her and gets his hand melted off with acidic puke. 

Brundle-Fly eventually reveals his idea that he wants to be with his family in the worst way.  Like by fusing them all together into one body with the pods.  Veronica rips off his jaw and gets planted in Pod 1.  Brundle steps into pod 2 but Stathis manages to cut the power cables to Veronica's pod allowing her to escape but Brundle-Fly is now fused with sections of Pod 2.  Veronica puts him out of his misery and howls in anguish.  

This movie, deservedly, was the most successful film in Cronenberg's career.  It was a HUGE financial success and the tragic love story it presented resonated with audiences. 

In terms of the AIDS metaphor, though, Cronenberg didn't intend that.  The audiences took that away but he meant for a more generalized look at disease, aging and death.  On the subject, Cronenberg said, "If you, or your lover, has AIDS, you watch that film and of course you'll see AIDS in it, but you don't have to have that experience to respond emotionally to the movie and I think that's really its power; This is not to say that AIDS didn't have an incredible impact on everyone and of course after a certain point people were seeing AIDS stories everywhere so I don't take any offense that people see that in my movie. For me, though, there was something about The Fly story that was much more universal to me: aging and death--something all of us have to deal with."

All of that being said, this is a movie that, even barring Geena Davis' shoulder pads and unfortunate perm, stands the test of time.  It is a TRUE classic.  The sequel, not so much, but it wasn't bad.  This needs to be a part of everyone's collection.  There were rumors of a Cronenberg-helmed sequel (which would be a first because Cronenberg NEVER does his own sequels) but it seems that's been swatted.  He DID direct the operatic version of his film, though, which looks AWESOME and I think I need to see it.

Ultimare Gore-a-Thon: Mary Celeste? Is that you?

Carl over at The Info Zombie sings the praises of Ghost Ship. 

He seems excited. 

Like a puppy.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: VD!

Bloodsucking Geek celebrates VD!  Get your mind out of the gutter. 

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Seven Days of Saw, Day 2

Seven Days of Saw continues with Saw II over at MK Horror. 

'Cause she got game.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Put That Thing Down!

What can I say about 2011's The Thing?

Well?  I can say that this prequel is so close to the fucking original that I'm counting it as a remake. 'Cause, seriously?  What asshole makes a fucking prequel and gives it the same damn name as the first?  That's some marketing fail, right there.

Based on John W. Campbell's 1938 novella, Who Goes There?, this series of films started with the 1951 science fiction classic The Thing From Another World which starred James Arness  as, basically, a space carrot.  This was remade in 1982 by John Carpenter and is widely considered one of the best sci-fi/horror films ever made.  (It was part of his "Apocalypse Trilogy" along with Prince of Darkness and In The Mouth of Madness.)  It didn't do well in the theaters (despite staying in the number one spot for three weeks, mostly due to Blade Runner and the more optimistic "alien presence" of Stephen Spielberg's E.T., The Extraterrestrial being released at about the same time but the home video market MORE than made up for it.  This version is actually more faithful to the story and is our first "darker and edgier reboot".

In 2011, Matthijs van Heijningen Jr., who's name I will not even attempt to pronounce, appears to be the aforementioned asshole that named his prequel after John Carpenter's film along with the producers who felt that a "colon title" would have cheapened the experience.  I have a sockful of nickels waiting for them.

Also, because they made me listen to Norwegian folk songs and read subtitles.

The film begins with the Norwegians finding the spacecraft.  Paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is brought to the Antarctic research station to assist a Norwegian research team in an expedition to uncover a spacecraft buried in the ice.  She's told that they also found a life form and the block of ice containing it is brought back to base.

She then spends the rest of her Antarctic visit pissing herself.

As expected, because if it didn't happen we would all be VERY disappointed, the creature eventually escapes it's icy prison and gets all up in everybody's face.  Literally.  See, this "thing" is a shapeshifter that can imitate organic matter... meaning people.  Of course, had we WATCHED the Carpenter version, we would know that.

So, basically, the monster mows down Norwegians one by one and takes their forms.  You would THINK, seeing as how it's MOSTLY seen as a multi-limbed, tentacled, hentai-lookin' monstrosity that it would have trouble wrangling all of that extra flesh but it really doesn't.  Kate eventually has to come up with a test to determine who's still human.  Remember that "inorganic" thing I mentioned?  Apparently the Thing can't mimic dental fillings.

Because, really?  Who has time to worry about hygiene when you look like this?

Seriously?

Fillings?

So, yeah.  The rest of the film is built on paranoia and mistrust, much like the original.  There is gore and limbs a-plenty, much like the original.  There are "kill it with fire" moments, just like the original.  The film ends with the Thing, in the form of the deceased dog from the beginning of its rampage, being chased, and thus we are brought full-circle.

Now, I'm not going to say that I hated this movie because I didn't. It was a very GOOD movie.  It was well done, the CGI effects were passable, even though the practical effects in Carpenter's were VASTLY superior, and I didn't want to waterboard actors every ten minutes until their performance improved.  My gripe is not the movie itself.  My gripe is that the producers, who were all about remaking Dawn of the Dead as a remake decided to get all high-muckety-muck with their "art" and refused to do a remake because, and I quote, "it would be like painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa."

Are you fucking kidding me?  You had NO problem remaking Dawn of the Dead, a CLASSIC of the zombie sub-genre, but you're gonna draw the line at The Thing?  And THEN you bring me a prequel that, while it's enjoyable, doesn't bring anything new to the table from a visual, special effects or plot standpoint and really is just a remake with different characters?  And on top of THAT, you decide to name it the same damn thing so people think it's a fucking remake anyway?  

There comes a point where you need to step back and say "Why the hell am I doing this" and if the answer is anything other than "I loved the original and I want to add my voice and my vision to the mythos" you need to not do the project.  It felt to me that Universal just wanted to hang onto their production rights for a little while longer because there was no new voice or vision, here.  It was the old voice and vision being put on a pedestal.

Ulitimate Gore-a-Thon: Parts

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon:  Movies at Dog Farm serves up some 1982 exploitation realness, well... fakeness... with Pieces. 

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Rob Zombie? Is That You?

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon:  Sorry, I missed this, yesterday.  At The Mountains of Madness visits with The Living Dead Girl. 

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Return to Pleasant Valley

JD over at Bloodsucking Geek gives us another look at HG Lewis' 2000 Maniacs! 

Just for the record, I thought it was hilarious.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Man, I HATE That Game!

MK Horror wants to play a game. 7 Days of Saw starts right now!

No cheating!

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: No, I'm Laughing AT You...

 

Xander (in a voice like talking to a baby): Who's a wittle fear demon?

Giles: Don't taunt it.

Xander (getting up, looking scared): Why? Can it hurt me?

Giles: No. It's just... tacky, that's all.

Ahhh, Trope Wednesdays (to which I am resigned to calling you until my brain comes up with a better name for you).  How I adore you.  What with your psuedo-intellectualism and your lame jokes and your fat fucking thighs and yoURK!!  *gurgle*  *sputter*

...

AND, scene!

What?  You really didn't think that was all you were getting today were you?  Are you new here?

No, today we look at a phenomena in horror known as Death by Mocking.  This is indicated by having a complete dickwad say the wrong thing to the wrong person and, in the immediate to short future, die horribly, often times in a manner befitting the mockery.  Light teasing that everyone laughs at is safe.  That can continue but the minute you go from "laughing with" to "laughing AT" is the minute your ribcage gets to do its Swiss cheese impersonation.

The first time we see and recognize this in film is in Cary Grant's 1944 version of Arsenic and Old Lace (which means it existed on the stage prior to that).   Mortimer Brewster spends a lot of the first act making fun of his brother, Jonathon, who looks a LOT like Karloff's Frankenstein's monster and (as scarily as the Hays Code will allow) turns out to be your typical ax-crazy psychopath and has Morty in his sites.  DUN-dun-duunnnnnnnnnnnn!

Gurl, I will slap the white right offa yo face...

Yeah, that's a little cheesy but it's Cary Grant so we, collectively, think it's awesome.  Because Cary Grant makes everything awesome. 

Now, in basically everything from Night of the Living Dead on, for some reason, movie monsters are equipped with some kind of internal GPS system that immediately homes in and teleports said monster to the location of the mocker.  The mockEE is presumed safe for the time being. 

Barbara shoulda punched him right square in the nuts.

Tease Michael Myers?  Stabby.  Dump pig's blood on Carrie? Telekinetically fried and laid to the side.  Leave a successful girl group to star in Freddy vs. Jason and get typecast as "Sassy black woman"?  Chopped in half and nailed to a tree.

 

And, oddly, these characters last a while.  You would THINK that they'd get their faces gnawed on early on but they provide some tension, I guess.  Steve in the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake earned his bullet through the brainpan (after zombification) by bickering with Anna and nearly killing off our entire staff of protagonists by deserting his post.  See, it's THAT character that should ALWAYS get some kind of comeuppance.  

 

And how often do you get a chance to say "comeuppance"?  Unless you're Mae West, that is.  Damn, that woman was a ho.

Mamaaaaaa.  Just killed my schoooool!

 

So, WHY does this happen?

 

WHYYYYY do you WANT to KNOW?  

 

SHIT!  Oops.  Sorry.  I got mildly possessed by Samuel L. Jackson for a minute.  

 

Anyway, it happens because it's fun.*  There's really no other reason for it.

 

Everybody likes to see a jerk get slapped down a few pegs and nobody likes to be teased.  Also, movie monsters tend to have been victims of bullying to begin with and whatever karmic justice they're about to hand out is, to the monster, well-fucking-deserved.

There are also some interesting subversions of this trope.  In Scream, there are a couple of kids in the principal's office getting chewed a new one for pretending to be the Ghostface Killer.  Do they get punished (beyond detention)?  No.  The principal, however, gets it for being utterly obnoxious.  (When you know how it ends, you can see how the principal wasn't going to make it, anyway.  Asshole.)

 

So, I guess the only way to wrap this up would be, don't be a jerk.  It just hurts.  More than likely, it hurts YOU.

*Disclaimer: Candy-Coated Razor Blades does not endorse killing your bullies and tormentors in stylish and fitting manners as much as fantasizing about it is a decent form of stress release.  CCRB recommends that extreme bullying get reported to your boss, your teacher, your HR department, ANYONE who can help you get a handle on the situation.  CCRB also supports local and national programs like the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) and The Trevor Project to promote suicide awareness and prevention.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Zabloobloogrrrrlblblblbbbbb

""Karate Robo Zaborgar" said out loud sounds like you are getting ready to say something awesome and then had a stroke before you could finish it." 

Brandon's buddy Bill fills in at Movies at Dog Farm.  And it is RIDONKULOUS!! 

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: I Sense Hostel-ity

MK Horror gives us the low-down on Hostel III, dig?  'Cause what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. 

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Be Our Guest!

Here's the guest article I wrote on Aja's redo of The Hills Have Eyes for the most excellent Bloodsucking Geek!

I like how Jonny called it "nice".  Like I'm ever nice...

FINE, I'm a marshmallow!  Whatever.  Not like I care...  ;0-)

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Gore With a Message

Carl B over at The Info Zombie steps back from horror for a sec to display how gore can be used to illustrate a message in other genres, such as the anti-war message in Black Hawk Down.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Da-Doo-Director's-Cut!

One of my very favorite remakes, nay, MOVIES, of all time is Frank Oz's 1986 version of Little Shop of Horrors.

This is because I'm gay.  Call it a stereotype and tease if you want but showtunes are just FUN.  Keep in mind, though, that I can also lift two-thirds of my 250 pound body weight over my head repeatedly and occasionally do so for fun, self-control is not one of my skillsets and I don't have a problem with letting someone run home and tell their mother that they were beat up by a gay guy.  I'll let you know when you can STOP teasing.  KISSES!

This is ALSO the "One That Got Away" when I was in high school theater.  They didn't do this show until AFTER I graduated.  So pissed.  I was also pissed when they did Lil Abner but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway.

I know you all are asking "But, why, Uncle Bob?  Why is this on your blogroll for a GORE-a-Thon?"

First off, because it's my fucking blog.  Second, I have issues with rules and authority.  Third, because I LOVE Man-Eating Plants and they are my favorite movie monster.  And lastly, because "gore" doesn't always have to happen on screen.  We'll get into that in a little bit.

So, for the uninitiated, Little Shop of Horrors started life in 1960 as a Roger Corman film.  It was filmed in two days as a challenge and featured Jack Nicholson which is pretty much its only high point.  In 1982, along came Howard Ashman and Alan Menken (the award winning duo that gave us the music for Disney's 80's renaissance) who brought the tale to the off-Broadway and, subsequently, Broadway stages and the show kind of took the world by storm.  And then Frank Oz and Geffen got a hold of it.  It remains the only film written by Ashman who passed away in 1991 from AIDS.

In the 1986 version, we still have basically the same story.  Seymour (Rick Moranis), a poor schlub living in the basement of Mr. Mushnik's (Vincent Gardenia) florist shop and quietly living out his days with his broom, his sweater-vests and his unrequited crush on Audrey (Ellen Greene and her amazing, gravity-defying tits).  Audrey is in an abusive relationship with Oren Scrivello D.D.S. (Played to GLORIOUS excess by Steve Martin).  In the background there are three drop-outs who represent Skid Row as a whole and serve as a Greek chorus (Tischina Arnold, Tisha Campbell-Martin and Michelle Weeks).

Dressed pretty well for drop-outs, girls.  One might question your professions.

Our story really begins when Seymour shows Mushnik and Audrey this new plant he's found that's kind of like a venus flytrap.  They display the fucking-adorable-and-I-want-one plant (after naming it Audrey II) in the window and, like fucking magic, their shop is SWAMPED by people that want to see it and they buy the shop out.  Mushnik wants to celebrate but Audrey has a date and Audrey II appears to wilt causing Mushnik to tell Seymour to nurse it back to health and make it fucking snappy.

Making kissy-faces is cute on the plant but it does not make the plant grow, Seymour.

This is where it starts to get interesting because Audrey II won't settle for Miracle-Gro.  She wants blood and as much of it as Seymour can give.  So he gives it to her and she grows, a lot and quickly.  Eventually, Audrey II reaches a point where Seymour just doesn't have enough to give, because he's not the Red fucking Cross, and A-II  decides it's time to pick something else off the menu.  This requires informing Seymour that it can talk (and is actually a "he" and is voiced by the extra cool Four Tops frontman Levi Stubbs) and leads to one of the most awesome songs in the history of musicals on film, Feed Me.  This is the song that sets down the Faustian Bargain that Seymour is a little hesitant about but gets on board with when he sees Audrey getting beat up by Oren.

He THRILLS when he drills a bicuspid.

In MY opinion, EVERYONE should see this and not just horror fans because it's just fucking adorable in that dark kind of way that gives a little kick.  It's, as mentioned before, a classic Faustian bargain story wrapped up in B-movie madness.  WITH PUPPETS!!  'Cause puppets are AWESOME!

Some nifty trivia for you:

Except in the theatrical ending where Audrey II gets electrocuted, there is NO blue screen or animated effects.   That's all puppet, baby, and it took 60 people to operate the 1-ton final puppet.  You'll also notice that there are relatively few scenes where there are people in the frame interacting with the plant after it starts talking.  That's because it was filmed at about 14 frames per second because while they could completely animate the face and make it look natural, the cabling and remote control stuff could only work so fast.  Rick Moranis had a few scenes where he had to pantomime real slow-like.

Now, here's where the gore comes in.  The gore in this movie is mostly implied.  Just before the Feed Me reprise scene, there's only one direct murder by Seymour and frankly, that was an accidental death.  The gore comes in AFTERWARD when we (and Mr Mushnik) see Seymour chopping up the body in shadow.  We KNOW it's disgusting and we KNOW that it's bloody but we never actually see it.  Just pieces of it in the aftermath when he feeds them to A-II.  Our imaginations give us all the gore, anyway.

Another piece of implied gore is the Director's Cut's restored original ending.

 GIANT PLANT WITH THE SQUISHING AND THE EATING AND THE OY, GEFLAVIN!

See, the original ending had Audrey and Seymour get eaten and then, because some asshole made cuttings surreptitiously, they start popping up EVERYWHERE and basically take over the world which is the plan laid out just before my FAVORITE song on the soundtrack, Mean Green Mother From Outer Space.  Giant man-eating plants just tear the place UP!  This is how it ended in the play and this is how Frank Oz WANTED to end the movie. 

 Sorry about the crappy video.  Nobody seems to have put up video from the Blu-Ray, yet.  (Available on Amazon!)

But audiences in 1986 were fucking pussies and hated the downer ending.  They felt "cheated" when they found out that the plant won and Oz had to shorten the movie by about 15 minutes, shoot a new ending and replace Paul Dooley with James fucking Belushi, the "settle-for-it-even-though-we-hate-it" Belushi brother.  Fucking Reaganomics ruins EVERYTHING!

This is another one of those "starter" horror flicks that we should leave to our children.  It's THAT awesome.  I'ma go watch it again right now!  

Da-doo!

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Feeling a Little Fulci?

Erin over at Deep Red Rum takes us to The Gates of Hell.  Worst.  Vacation.  Ever.

You Don't Need a Date This Badly

My new buddy Brandon covers the uncut version of My Bloody Valentine! 

Too bad I beat him to it.  ;0-)

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: MORE FEASTING!

JD gives us MORE HGL with his review of Blood Feast 2 over at Bloodsucking Geek!

Gore-a-Thon: Hostel Takeover

MK Horror visits another Hostel! 

Just FYI? I caught Roger Bart going into the stage door entrance at Young Frankenstein on Broadway once. He was kind of a dick. Funny how he lost his dick in this one.

Also? Heather Matarazzo's flabby, upside-down, lesbian tits weirded me out. I love her, but still. Flabby, upside-down, lesbian tits.

Ultimate Gore-a-thon: MY TURN! Speaking of Glass Houses...

This Gore-a-Thon thing is FUN!  So many people's different perspectives!  I hope you're having as much fun as I am.  Feel free to comment below and let us know how we're doing!

So, I have to give a disclaimer for my articles.  First, I'm not giving up Trope Wednesday for this.  I love imparting my vast, yet completely irrelevant in the real world, knowledge.

Second, I'm writing about remakes for two weeks.  Nothing but remakes.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  A remake is not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, we've been remaking movies since movies began.  It started with the transition from silent film to talkies and it has never stopped.  A lot of our classic films were remakes.  Dracula, Frankenstein.  Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Alfred Hitchcock's Rope.  To people that are gonna bitch that remakes are automatically going to suck, I want them to watch each and every movie that has been remade and judge them on their individual merits.  And then I want them to shut their whiny hate holes.

That said, the reviews I'm handling over the next two weeks are not all good so, ON WITH THE SHOW!!

Today, I'm going to talk about one of my FAVORITE remakes.   Thir13en Ghosts.

In 1999, Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis and Gilbert Adler formed Dark Castle Entertainment which was meant to remake all of William Castle's films.  Apparently, they felt that this was silly and they only remade 2 of them.  I should write them a letter because I'm in the mood for a big budget remake of The Tingler.  And they should still TOTALLY put joy buzzers under the seats again.  Because it would make my butt terrified and happy.  And it would make my friend TerAnn scream like a little girl.  Which would make me giggle like a serial killer.

So, after the moderate success of House on Haunted Hill, Dark Castle went forward with Thir13en Ghosts.  It tells us the tale of Arthur Kriticos (Tony Shalhoub), a widower on the brink of financial ruin that cannot let go of his deceased wife (Of course it hasn't been that long, so give the guy a break, huh?) and his family, daughter Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth) and son Bobby (Alec Roberts). He gets a visit from a lawyer, Ben Moss (JR Bourne) who informs him that he has inherited the COOLEST mansion, ever!  It's made of glass and has ominous Latin phrases etched onto the panes.  Because Latin, in a horror movie, is always ominous.  And because nobody ever remembers this, we always end up with ominous Latin.

Oh, Shannon Elizabeth.  That face may be the only thing you ever got right.

Now, we know, because there is a prologue, that there's gonna be an issue, here because Uncle Cyrus (F. Murray Abraham) was a ghost hunter and Dennis, the crazy psychic (Matthew Lillard), meets the Kriticos family (and their, presumably unpaid, housekeeper, played HILARIOUSLY by Rah Diggah) at the door posing as an electrician.  He warns them that the house was meant to trap ghosts and he wants to make sure that they get out of the house for their own safety.  We all know THAT wasn't gonna happen, now don't we?

For the next hour and a half, we have the Kriticos family getting separated and trying to get out of the house that they have unwittingly been locked into by the lawyer, who, like all lawyers, is kind of a dick.  Scratch that, DEFINITELY a dick.  As a shout out to Castle's original gimmick, they find "Ghost Goggles" that help them see and escape the ghosts that have been released (because of the fucking lawyer).  And they HAVE to escape them because pretty much ALL of them are angry and violent.

This will only end in tears... and intestine jump-ropes.

  
See, Uncle Cyrus was collecting them to complete The Black Zodiac, a collection of spirits meant to activate something called Basleus' Machine and open the Ocularus Infernum, an eye in Hell that allows the user to see the past, present and future in Heaven, Hell and Earth.  And, seriously, no one remembers this.  Because this isn't the awesome part of the movie.

Now, I know that this is the Gore-a-Thon but this movie doesn't have a high body count at all.  Most of the gore is in the ghosts themselves and they are some bloody, bloody bitches.  The Torso is literally just that.  The Angry Princess is a series of slashes and botched plastic surgery (who also provides boobs for the straight boys).  The Hammer has a sledgehammer grafted to his arm, The Jackal wears a cage over his head that it looks like he gnawed his way out of and The Juggernaut is a series of bullet holes.

Here ya go, Straight boys.  Boobs.

 I would put an adult content warning on here but you all should know better.

The BEST gory moment, though is the Lawyer.  He ends up being a snivelling bitch and gets cut in half, front and back, not top and bottom (get your minds out of the gutter) by a glass door.  I saw that in the theater and went ZOMGTHATWASTHEMOSTAWESOMESTDEATHINAHORRORMOVIEEVER!!  Because it was.

SEE!!  That's just amazingness!

Outside of the gore, though, this is just brain candy but while it doesn't have the best plot and a lot of the movie is either "There's a ghost!  But you can't see it because you don't have the goggles!" or "I'm lost in the big glass house with the see-through walls!" (which does get questioned) there's a definite feeling that Steve Beck loved the original and just wanted to update the story for a modern audience.  He treated the original with respect and THAT is what I look for in a remake.  This movie has a soul to it and that's why I love it. You care for the characters (well, the human ones, anyway... and only most of them) and there's a good amount of tension that leads to some awesome scares.

I truly believe that this NEEDS to be in any good horror fan's collection.

I think I need a pair of those goggles, though.  Those are just stylish.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Crazy Bitch Say What?

Today, Jessica over at Gorror gives us #5 in : The 5 Craziest Bitches in Horror" 

Today?  Lucie in Martyrs. 

Gore-A-Thon: H.G. Lewis, You Scamp

Jonny Dead gives us some Blood Feast realness!

And The Hits Keep Comin'

Next up:

MK Horror on Hostel.  The woman wrote her thesis on "torture porn".  Love her! 

And They're Off!

The first posts are in!  Check out our buddies at Movies at Dog Farm and At The Mountains of Madness!

Movies at Dog Farm gives us an overview of gore in film.


At the Mountains of Madness talks about Dario Argento's most gruesome moments.