Thursday, February 28, 2013

Shut Yer Hole

Today, kids, we're going to talk about The Hole.

Not THAT hole, you pervs.

THIS hole:





This annoying, cloying, saccharine sweet "family horror" flick that took 3 years to be released on video because it tastes like fail.

Joe Dante needs to be slapped in the dick for this, seriously.  I know he likes to make family-friendly horror films and that's OK because Gremlins was fucking amazing but this?  I don't even KNOW you, anymore, Joe Dante.

It's your basic, "finding weird shit in a new house" movie.  Kids move into new house, find trap door in basement, open it and release the evil in the form of the thing you're most afraid of.  Kids try and investigate the evil.  Kids find old dude who tells them exactly what kind of evil they've set loose.  Kids must put evil back.  Kids win the day because this is some Scooby-Doo bullshit.  Mom knows NOTHING about any of this.

 
Yep.  Evil.


No, really.  This OOZES bad syndicated cartoons.  (Not that Scooby-Doo is bad, it's just formulaic).

There is a character in this movie named Creepy Carl. The token girl is all "smart-girl-proto-feminist-reading-above-her-grade-level" (not a bad thing but "anvilicious" does not begin to cover it).  The younger kid is way too old to be begging his older brother to play with him.  Kids his age can find things to do by themselves.  The older brother (Chris Massoglia from Cirque du Freak)?  Just a douche with a Beiber haircut.  And, seriously?  If you FIND a locked wooden door that would look more in place in a castle dungeon than a modern garage, DON'T FUCKING OPEN IT! 

Did they listen?  Noooooo.


Really, Joe Dante? You're better than this.  Did you need to pay some medical bills?  Was the mortgage late?  Were you low on cocaine?  What sudden need for cash sank you to this level of film making?  This is not the late-80s/early 90s, anymore.  Kids are, much as you hate to admit it, more sophisticated than this.  No serious director would bring us this crap.  This is the shit you leave to the new guys.  If you HAD to make this, why didn't you punch it up and make it for Masters of Horror.  It feels like it would fit better there.

Seriously, I cannot tell you how much I hate this movie.  The Hole might be great for starting your kid on all things spooky, which is noble, but do yourself a favor and be in the next room while your kid watches it.  You'll feel better about it, trust me.
  
Better yet?  Sit your ankle-biter in front of Gremlins.  It's an infinitely better film.

And now you know.  And knowing is half the battle.  Go, Joe. 

No, really, Joe.  Go.  Away. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Balloon Animals and Gin

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  British Horror is kinda awesome.  That brings us to today's fucked-up-ed-ness, Stitches.

Anyone with coulrophobia may wish to leave.


Stitches tells us the story of the brats at a party that kill a clown by accident.  Granted he was a disgusting, gin-soaked (presumably... he certainly LOOKED like he was a drunk) wreck of a man in a clown suit who probably should never have been near children in the first place, but there's no reason he should have been stabbed in the eye (and out the brain pan), even accidentally, by children.  This death, of course, leaves the children traumatized and they develop their own quirks of dealing with it.  

There's the ultra-shy kid who's on Hypnocil (yes, the fake drug from Nightmare on Elm St.) and is afraid of clowns, the wicked flirt (male version, and he's not good at it), the pants-wetting practical joker, the mean girl, the nice goth girl, the stoner and the fat gay kid who is so stereotypical it makes me want to cry.  This has very little to do with the story, though, because, really?  The story is that there's a secret magical society of clowns that make sure that clowns finish their damn parties and if they have to be risen from the dead to do it, then, so be it.

What.  The fuck.

 
Totally not kidding.

This movie is fucking silliness on a stick.  It's not a perfect blend of horror and comedy and Ross Noble, as a fucking stand-up comedian, probably should have been funnier and stopped fucking mumbling, but I realize that he didn't write the script and it was an entertaining watch for what it was.

I was expecting a lot more out of it, though.  I mean, most of the deaths are clown-related.  Parasol through the back of the head.  Intestines made into balloon animals.  It's campy as fuck but it's not really  over-the-top which is why I'm a little disappointed. 

Most.  Disappointing.  Death.  Ever.


Plus?  FUCKING OBVIOUS CGI, EVERYWHERE!  Oh, MAN do I want to punch the asshole that decided to mix CGI and film without figuring out how to make it seamless first. 

Yeah, he's got a cute little clown nose pet that finds the kids for him but you can do that shit with a string and it would be FUNNIER! 

That said, it's got PLENTY in the way of practical effects that are... OK, and it DOES do a better job of hearkening back to the 80s slashers we all love so much but damn.  You've got an undead clown killing guests at a house party and nobody does anything about it?  No one notices a damn thing?  Seriously?  The pants-wetter gets his head kicked off his shoulders and into the pond and no one sees this? 

Except the fucking clown, but he doesn't count.


My gullibility has a threshhold.  You have exceeded it.

Yes, I know it sounds like I hate this movie but I really don't.  I like it, I really do.  There's just too much wrong with it for me not to bitch.  It is kinda worth it for the party-favor dick joke, though.

One mo' time.  Your mileage may vary.





Monday, February 25, 2013

Did NOT See That Coming...

Part of my dream is coming true!  I'm actually being ASKED to review stuff!  I hope the people that do this realize that I won't cut them any slack, 'cause I don't roll that way, but I'm still EXTRA flattered.

To lull these folks into a false sense of security, though (KIDDING), I'm perfectly OK with supporting indie horror in any way I can.  A lot of it is fresh and new and it may not be summer blockbuster but it's certainly worth a watch.  (Stick me with bad acting, audio that sounds like you filmed the entire movie in a locker room and an ultra-slow pace that tells me you can't edit, though, and I'll cut you.)



That said, Lawrie Brewster just let me in on his new film, Lord of Tears which needs a little help to get released.  Here's the trailer:



Now, I LOVE films like The Woman in Black and the old Hammer and Amicus stuff and this kind of has that feel to it so I'm pre-recommending this on the trailer alone with the proviso that it IS an indie film and it does not look perfect.  That is a perfectly OK thing and films that try to be too perfect usually end up sucking dead donkey dick.

You can find out more about Lord of Tears at its website:  www.lordoftears.com  or show it some love on Facebook.

Here's the thing, though.  They do need a little help, so if you can spare it, maybe consider kicking in a little at Kickstarter.  Every little bit helps, y'see, and this looks like it'll be a quality product.  They have some sweet doodads you can get for donating and a vid from Lawrie himself giving us a look into the film's making.

Plus he has an awesome accent.

In all seriousness, though, this looks like it'll be a lot of spooky fun and it's been my experience that indie horror from across the pond is TONS better than the indie horror made here.  Get into it, kids.

I Would Rather...

OK, kids!  I had a ton of fun with the other bloggers and we're already planning our next event so keep an eye out for that but, for now, we're back to business as usual.

That said, I'm thinking that the torture porn sub-genre has quite possibly run its course.  It also seems to me that under no circumstances should Brittany Snow be producing her own films.





Iris (Snow) is taking care of a brother with leukemia and is having a rough time of it, financially, because, seriously, if she wasn't, this movie would be fucking pointless.  She gets invited, through her brother's doctor, to a dinner at a local philanthropist's house (Jeffrey Combs, who still excels at gnawing on the scenery) that promises to get her the money she needs to save her brother's life.

And for the next hour and a half, we get to see the idle rich work their painful wiles on the poor and the poor play right along, ditching their morals and sense of right and wrong along the way.  Because humans are weak idiots.

 
You wanna cut my WHAT?!? 
Oh... my 'fro... I can live with that.


Plot-wise, there's not a lot more than that.  A bunch of people are required to torture each other because a depraved and bored rich dude and his doubly-depraved, rapist asshole of a son want the poor to beg for their help and they LITERALLY say this during the course of the game.  Because that is what rich people do.

I assume that's what rich people, do, anyway.  I'm not rich so all I get to do is live with my fantasies of rich people staging hobo fights and feeding puppies to the great white sharks they keep in aquariums and blaming their losses in profits on the fact that we would like a living wage, please, and kinda getting off on making us sing "Food, Glorious Food" as they shoot rubber bands and flaming twenties at our faces. 

Apparently, rich people hire butlers that used to be government interrogators and know where and how to hide bodies, too. 

ANYWAY, I know that a lot of people are giving this movie mad props but, seriously?  This is dry white toast.  It's INTENSELY fucking bland and it hurts going down.  For a first time out producing, Ms. Snow should have known better.  She's done some great things (Pitch Perfect) and she's done some things we'd rather forget (Prom Night).  She should know by now what the public wants to see.  

Tiny octopi in top hats.

As a social commentary it's OK.  I mean, there's really no tactful way to say what director David Guy Levy (who seems to be pretty damn pretentious what with insisting on the use of his middle name) is saying.  The rich are cruel and merciless and in order for us to get them to give up their not-so-hard earned cash we need to be prepared to give up our morality and revolution against the rich doesn't work when you don't have the resources to fight them.  I don't personally believe that but there is truth to it on some level.  Would You Rather certainly gets the message across in an anvilicious sort of way.

Anvilicious:  When some form of social message in film is about as subtle as dropping an anvil on your head.

Look at that!  You learned something!  Awesome.

I love expanding vocabularies.

The acting in Would You Rather is... well... creamed chipped beef on toast.  You don't want to eat it but it's right there in front of you and you're hungry.  It shouldn't go to waste. 

This is the best way to prepare bad actors.  Mmmm... tender.

Considering that most of the film takes place in one room with the actors being your main focus, you would THINK that we would be witness to some Oscar-caliber performances but, no.  They barely kept me interested and, frankly, I was more interested in watching the jerks (conveniently sat on the left-hand of the host (the sinister hand, if you will)) get injured. (Iris gets moved over there at one point... it's all meaningful and shit.)

Even considering the downer ending wherein the rich bad guys definitely win, I'm kinda thinking that Ms. Snow should have spent her money on better projects.  Also?  I'm thinking we need to get back to monsters or slashers for a while because if Vile is a better movie than this with an unknown cast and a micro-budget, then we need to start leaving torture horror alone for a bit. 

Unless, of course, we're going to start remaking the Roger Corman/Edgar Allen Poe flicks like The Pit and the Pendulum.  Because that would be fuckin' amazing.

(UTTERLY UNRELATED SIDE-NOTE!  If any horror bloggers that follow me would like to get in on a blogger community that includes avid and active networking, let me know.  I got the hook-up, yo.  I like letting people know about the cool stuff.  You kinda have to be prepared to reciprocate, though.  Sharing is caring.  ;0-)  )

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Almost There..


Almost done with the Gore-a-Thon Round-up!

Gorror gives us the number one craziest bitch in horror, Charlotte from Antichrist

Bloodsucking Geek introduces us to Bloodsucking Freaks.  There's meaning there, somewhere... 

Disturbing Films gives us a taste of the new Evil Dead remake.  And it is glorious. 

Bloodsucking Geek lists the 10 goriest movies of all time!  Let him know if he's missed any. 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Shits and Grins


Surprise post from Deep Red Rum!  Death Smiles on a Murderer.  Who knew? 

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Dysfunctional Relationship. You're Doing It Wrong


So, I've mentioned Dark Castle Entertainment a couple of times already so you should all know the drill.  DCE was originally started for the purpose of updating the classic William Castle movies for a modern audience which is an awesome dream that was, apparently, doomed to fail because they only remade 2 of them.

The film that started it all for DCE, though, was House on Haunted Hill.






House on Haunted Hill started its life as a poor black-and-white child brought into this world by William Castle and Robb White.  Robb makes me think a combination of Mad Men and Robb Petrie because everyone needs a little Dick Van Dyke in their lives.  There should be martinis and smoking in the office.

ANYWAY, this horror classic starred Vincent Price (as all horror classics should) and is, basically, your standard "If you can stay the whole night, you get paid" story, originally found in the Grimm fairy tale "The Boy Who Could Not Shudder".  A group of people are led to the titular house and told that if they can spend the entire night in the house with the doors locked, they get $10,000.  Sounds easy, right?  Wrong.  There are ghosts and psychotic hosts and vats of acid and a whole lot of firearms and one of the BEST Castle gimmicks, EMERG-O which flew a plastic skeleton over the audience at appropriate times.  Many, many poodle skirts left the theater stained with urine.

Fast-forward to 1999, we're basically given the same story except BOTH of the hosts (Geoffrey Rush and Famke Janssen) are trying to kill one another and the "house" is an abandoned mental asylum... and we ALL know how much I love those.  Stephen Price (whose name and appearance are a nod to Vincent Price), a thrill-ride impresario,  and Evelyn Stockard-Price, Stephen's spoiled trophy-wife, are leasing the asylum from Watson Pritchett (Chris Kattan, whom I despise and is the worst part of this movie) for Evelyn's birthday party.


What kind of smug asshole holds his wife's birthday party in an old asylum?
This kind.

Then the weird starts.  The five people that show up?  Neither Evelyn nor Stephen know any of them.  None of them.  But being the asshole that he is, Stephen continues the party.  The theme?  Survive the night, go home with a million dollars with the cash from anyone that doesn't make it being added to the survivor's pot.  Sounds easy, right?
We DO know that at least one of them is a stupid bitch with a REALLY big digital camera.

Now, this being the late 90's, the door can't just be locked.  This building goes into full-on, ain't no radiation gettin' in here, prison-bitch lockdown. It won't open for 12 hours.

And there's something I haven't mentioned.  The place actually IS haunted by the former inmates AND the sadistic doctor Vannacut that caused the place to be shut down to begin with (played with silent and malicious glee by horror notable Jeffrey Combs).

Who needs anesthesia?

Oh, and the party favors?  Handguns.  It's a PARTY, now, bitches!

Now, I like this movie.  I don't LOVE it, but I don't hate it, either.  The characters are delightfully mysterious.  Why are they there?  How did they get an invite?  How do they survive the night without slapping Stephen and his disgusting little French tickler mustache?  The plot itself is simple and direct.  We're here to watch a horror movie and the update from the campy original is maybe not the freshest thing on the block in terms of plot but they kept the humor while taking it to a much darker place and I appreciate that.  Once again, your mileage may vary.
That watery ghost effect?  Awesome for the time.  A little dated, now.

One totally cool thing about the remake, though, is that Dark Castle Entertainment originally meant to release each movie with a gimmick and this is the only one wherein they followed through.  Instead of EMERG-O, there was a scratch-off game given with each ticket so that movie-goers had a chance to win some cold-hard cash.

I could use some cash right about now...

So, anyway, this is my last entry for the Ultimate Gore-a-Thon.  I know, sad face, right?  But it's still going on until tomorrow night at Midnight!  I'll still be posting links to my fellow bloggers' articles and I'd like to thank JD at Bloodsucking Geek for inviting me.  This was a LOT of fun and I think I've made a few friends out of the deal.  Hopefully they don't think I'm just a loudmouth asshole.  They wouldn't be WRONG but nobody likes to believe that about themselves.  :0-)

Show my new buddies some love at:

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: SPIT IT OUT!



Ultimate Gore-a-Thon:  JD over at Bloodsucking Geek proves to us that he has Bad Taste

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon:  Movies at Dog Farm takes a pregnant pause to tell us It's Alive

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon:  Gorror gives us Crazy Bitch #3 with Asami from Audition. She is 100% correct.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon:  MK Horror takes us on a tour of the House of 1000 Corpses

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Lovecrafty!


At the Mansion of Madness brings us a tale From Beyond

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: That's Hot.


So... you guys are probably gonna hate me for this but I kind of don't care.  I can't help what I love and I love the 2005 version of House of Wax.

Because it's hilariously awful.





No, seriously.  If it weren't for the delicious idiocy displayed by the characters in this film, it would suck.  As it stands, though, I giggled my way through this like a toddler hopped up on pixy-stix and root beer.

So, the remake backstory goes like this.  In 1933, the last dramatic film made in two-color technicolor was Mystery of the Wax Museum, based on the unpublished short story/three-act play "The Wax Works" by Charles Spencer Belden and starring Fay Wray and Lionel Atwill.  People were kind of sick of the artificial colors that the two-color process displayed so this film kind of went away.  It was never reissued and for a long time it was considered a lost film.  (A new copy was discovered in 1970 and it's been recolored by Turner Entertainment and it is utterly alarming in its garishness.)  ANYhoo, the film was remade in 1953 in 3D, with the same plot but without the comic touches of the '33 film, and starring Vincent Price, Charles Bronson and Carolyn Jones.  The film is awesome but, considering it was a 3D film directed by Andre Toth, who was blind in one eye and, therefore, could not experience 3D, it fell a little flat in the gimmick department. 

52 years later, Dark Castle Entertainment, who, after Thir13en Ghosts, had taken to remaking films other than William Castle's, gave us their own take on House of Wax.  It bears some, but not much, resemblance to either of the first two films and it's saving grace, as much as I hate to say it, is the fact that it features Paris Hilton who was probably hopped up on the goofballs throughout the entire shoot.


That's her actin' face.

The film starts in 1974 with a woman making a wax mask; her child sitting quietly at the table with his Cheerios.  And then dad comes in with a screaming ball of angry child.  This child, as should happen with any child that is a danger to himself or others, is duct-taped to his high chair.  (I'M KIDDING!  Duct tape should never be used for infant control!  I hear it keeps diapers in place pretty well, though.)  After scratching his mother, she provides the pimp-slap.

And the Parent of the Year award goes to...

Enter ubiquitous herd of oversexed alcoholic young adults on their way to a football game in Louisiana.  Because without them, there would be no story.  They set up camp one night and get mildly terrorized by a pickup truck.  The next day, Carly, our heroine, played by Elisha Cuthbert, trips and falls down a hill and lands almost face-first in a pile of dead deer.  Because eew.  She sees a human hand in the remains and the slack-jawed yokel who shows up to add to the pile shows her that it's just a mannequin.  In the midst of the gross-out moment, Carly's boyfriend, Wade (Jared Padalecki) discovers that his fan belt is busted.  Slack-jawed yokel offers them a ride into town to get a new one and freaks them out on the way so they get out and walk.

They arrive in Ambrose which is practically a ghost town and interrupt a funeral.  Bo, the local mechanic, offers to help them fix the fan belt after the service.  Because he's all helpful.  While waiting, Carly and Wade visit the local wax museum which is actually made entirely of wax.  
 
After meeting up with Bo, who, oddly, keeps the correct sized fanbelts at his house, Wade gets his hamstrings slashed by a long-haired freak-nugget by the name of Vincent who operates at the same frequency as Leatherface and wears a mask made of wax.  Bo grabs Carly and super-glues her mouth shut while Vincent strips Wade, removes all of his facial hair, puts him in a contraption that pins his eyes open and showers him in hot wax because the people in Ambrose are all wax statues and I guess they needed a few more displays.
 
Aren't people normally told not to touch the exhibits?

And from there, we get to watch Carly's brother try to rescue her after she gets a finger cut off with a pair of tin-snips.  There's more Vincent action, there's Bo showing his true colors.  There's life-sized wax conjoined twin infants getting a hot knife separation.  There's melty staircases.  It's got everything!  Everything that no one needs, ever.

Seriously, kids, there is SO much wrong with this movie but you have to give props to any movie that allows me to cause the entire theater to bust out laughing with the words "That's hot."  

And this is where that happened.

Interesting newsy-notes about this one:

There was a $7 Million lawsuit against SFX expert David Fletcher and Wax Production because of a fire on the set that could have been avoided had they not kept timber props near an open flame and had a firefighter on set.  Because people tend to forget that wood and wax are all flammable and shit.

Also, the film was up for three Razzie awards that year with Paris Hilton winning the Worst Supporting Actress award.  She, unlike Halle Berry, did not show up to collect.

But, really, as compared to most slashers, the premise for this is OK.  It's not revenge or the hunt for a long pig sammich, it's just madness and I can deal with that.  This was a lot better than some of the other crap that came out around that time.  It's just not great.  Definitely a popcorn flick.  Turn off your brain, watch it for hilarious irony and forget the gaping plot holes.  Do not forget the gaping hole in Ms. Hilton's head.  'Cause that shit's funny.

This post brought to you by Glade 2in1 candles.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Ladle Sockhop!






I think I can feel Movies at Dog Farm's TCM2 geekery from here

Remember:  TCM3D is not your friend.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: King of the Hill



Bloodsucking Geeks treats us to the goriest album covers, EVER!

This one's not safe for work, kids.

And

Seven Days of Saw concludes!  MK Horror takes us straight to Pay Day with her review of Saw 3D.

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Masks and Makeup


In 2007, the squee heard 'round the world was every present/former techno-goth, noise rock, industrial horror-core kid in the world saying "ZOMGROBZOMBIE'SDIRECTINGHALLOWEENI'MGONNADIE!!"  I am not ashamed to say that I was one of them.  Because both Rob Zombie and the original Halloween are awesome.






I am now arranging the line-up of every former techno-goth, noise rock, industrial horror-core kid in the world for the purposes of giving Rob Zombie a kick in the taint because this shit was wack, yo.

In Zombie's movie, we get 45 minutes of "prequel".  That's half of the fucking movie.  Half of the damn movie looking at an ugly child, that we already know is psychopathic, kill his pet and other small animals and take pictures of them, stalk silently, beat the boy from Spy Kids to death with a stick and then murder his step-father, sister and her fuck-toy. Considering their treatment of him, I'm not surprised.

There's a mosquito!  Hold still!



On top of that, there's Sheri Moon-Zombie, who sneers, strips and swears her fuckin' way through her part (see what I did there?) and is in desperate need of some damn FOOD and warm clothing, and to round out the nasty, there's Malcolm McDowell with the worst wig, ever.

Sherri Moon-Zombie, queen of the anorexics.

Ugly child gets placed in the local Sanitarium with Dr. Loomis taking care of him and he becomes fixated with masks.  His mom is OK with visiting him until he kills a nurse and then she snaps like the twig she is and kills herself.  This is probably the wisest course of action anyone in this movie will ever take.

Upon attempting to migrate Michael to a maximum security location, he murders his guards, escapes, kills a trucker for his jumpsuit and goes home.  He locates the mask he killed his sister in, which had been hidden under the floorboards.

And now he goes on the hunt for his sister, Laurie Strode.

Not Laurie. 


And... ummm... yeah... the rest of the movie is standard, formulaic, 80's slasher schlock.  About the only thing cool about this movie is the sheer number of classic horror cameos Zombie managed to wrangle.  Leslie Easterbrook, Sybil Danning, Bill Moseley, Dee Wallace, Sid Haig.  Hell, the man managed to cast Mickey Dolenz for cryin' out loud.  Well, that and the letter jacket with Cherry Bomb stitched on it because Joan Jett is extra-cool and I love her.

The problem here isn't that the movie is filmed or edited badly.  The problem isn't the acting (except on the part of Sheri Moon-Zombie).  The problem isn't our ability to play Fleur de Lis on Sheri's ribs (although, she does not present a healthy body image and little girls everywhere should just ignore her presence entirely).  The problem isn't Tyler Mane (who is one of the coolest, and tallest, celebrities I have ever met).  The problem isn't even Brad Dourif and Malcolm McDowell gnawing on the scenery (which is just to be expected, really).

Anybody else get "creepy old man" vibe, here?


The problem is that Zombie tried to make Michael Myers human.

In giving us a sympathetic view of Myers, Zombie has utterly ruined the feel of the character which, in turn, ruined the movie.  We, as the audience, might appreciate enough backstory to get the villain where he needs to be but we don't need an hour of it.  We need to know that Loomis finds Myers to be evil and that Myers is out to find Strode.  That's it.  We don't need "he was a bullied psychopath".  We don't need "but his mommy loved him".  We don't need to know that he had an orderly buddy.  We don't need "an obsession with masks".

We need "I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the *devil's* eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... *evil*."

Seriously, Hollywood, we only want enough "why" to get us through to the splatter.  Then we only want "how".

Sorry, Rob Zombie.  Hated it.  It's only purpose was to allow my friends and I a reason to disturb other movie-goers with our laughing.

Prepare for your taint-kickin'.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: More Gore!





And the splatter-fest continues with:

MK Horror continuing her Operation with Seven Days of Saw.  Today?  Saw VI.

And

At The Mountains of Madness gives us a taste of being Faceless.  Dr. Orloff can bite me.

And

Gorror explores some fucked up Greek noir with Singapore Sling.  Crazy Bitch #3

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Superstition


I am not a superstitious person.  I am totally cool with black cats, ladders, the occasional broken mirror.  Y'know.  Accidents happen.

And when Friday the 13th was remade in 2009, I thought "This won't be so bad.  The series needs a facelift.  It'll be fun!"





And that's when I gave up on "good luck" altogether because they decided to hand the facelift to the same guy that turned Joan Rivers into a small Chinese man and, thus, this remake tastes like shame.


For those of you not familiar with the reboot, this gives us two, two, two stories in one!  Why they went for an almost anthology feel with this one, I'll never know.  Oh, wait, I do know.  It's because Marcus Nispel is a FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!

So, the movie starts with about the only cool thing for the next hour and a half.  Nana Visitor gnawing on the scenery as Jason's mother.  Jason gets to watch her get beheaded by the 1980 final girl which, of course, does not lend itself to proper mental health on Jason's part and we all know he wasn't right in the head to begin with.. 

 PAY.  For THERAPY!  
Murdering teenagers may feel good for now but it doesn't solve anything.

Then, many years later, the ubiquitous gaggle of teenagers sets out to party in the woods.  Two of them have an ulterior motive in that there's a huge marijuana patch there.  Unfortunately, this patch happens to lie within spitting distance of Camp Crystal Lake.  Because, duh.  Jason hacks, cleaves, bear traps and slow-roasts all of them except one.



The "final girl" here, Whitney, just happens to remind Jason of his mother...  so he keeps her captive in his subterranean lair of tunnels which also provides a handy means of popping up unexpectedly behind clumsy bitches that can't fucking stand up properly. (This doesn't get explored until later in the film but I'm not going that far.)

Enter NEW group of ubiquitous teenagers including rich asshole, kinda-hippie dude,Willa Ford and her boobs, other set of boobs, Token Stoner A (black) and Token Stoner B (Asian) and brown-haired smart girl.  Also, there's Jared Padalecki who's looking for Whitney and is really only there to bring in the Supernatural audience (much like My Bloody Valentine 3D used Jensen Ackles).

Neither of these two get laid.  This gives me hope for the gene pool.
Not because they're minorities.  Because they're fucking stupid.

So, yeah.  Ominous warnings from the locals.  Useless cops.  The introduction of the Hockey Mask.  Every slasher trope in the world is all right here and it's not even ironic.  
They just found Sarah Palin's sex tape.

See Nispel DELIBERATELY stepped back to the 80s in this one and didn't want to be at all self-referential like Scream and I'm pretty sure that was the number one failure in this film.  Had it tried for even a TRACE of irony, it might have been good but, no.  We did not get irony.  We got the stoner Asian kid who actually brings a WOK to defend himself.

I came here for horror, not a minstrel show. Just FYI?  Racism is not really all that funny.

On top of that, this is big budget Hollywood, assholes.  We don't want digital kills.  We don't want CGI blood.  It's bad enough we had to deal with Willa Ford's fakeys and rich kid going all "awful pillow talk" with other set of boobs.  If practical effects got the job done in the 80s, they can most certainly do the job, now.

Hated it.  Hated every last minute of it.

THIS ONE, can be used as an example of the horrors of bad remakes. 


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Ultimate Gore-a-Thon: Damn, this is going fast!






WHOO! This is goin' by QUICK!!

Movies at Dog Farm has 13 Terrifying Taglines to taunt and tittilate your tense and turgid thoughtful bits

And

Seven Days of Saw has a Monopoly on Jigsaw this week! Join us at MK Horror to keep playing along.

Also, I'm watching Friday the 13th for you.  Not the good one.  I'm a little drunk.  This is making it easier.  You'll hear all about it tomorrow.