Friday, August 30, 2013

Anime Week: You can't spell SLAUGHTER without LAUGHTER.

Instead of covering a movie, today, we're going to talk about an anime series and, for serious, this is probably the creepiest anime series in existence besides Bobobo Bo Bobobo.



Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni (literal translation: When the Cicadas Cry.  Known in America as "When They Cry".) is a murder mystery/dating sim adaptation/horror series set in a small town in rural Japan.  Over the course of 26 episodes, it follows Keiichi when he moves to Hinamizawa and makes friends with Rena, Mion, Rika and Satoko. 

They LOOK normal, right?
So, yeah, anyway, they all have an afterschool club where they play games and the loser gets a punishment.  Because kids do that, right?  During the annual Watanagashi Festival, though (and what did I tell you about festivals?) things go tits up.  Every year for the past four years, someone goes missing and another is murdered during this festival.

So concerned...
During each story arc, someone gets paranoid and antsy and commits a crime, usually among the friends.

YEAH, BABY!!
Now, during the course of the series, there are four different mysteries, four different crimes, four different examinations of the festival and its goings on and four different dead girls.  It's kind of ballsy how they did that, really.  The series gives up some COMPLETELY creepy shit, too.  Like the one situation wherein a character is kidnapped and held prisoner and, rather than suffer whatever punishment at the hands of her attacker, takes a knife, holds it handle first against the wall and headbutts herself to death on it.

Wait what?

Stabby.
This series is a slow burn and SERIOUSLY fucked up but I say sit through it and give it a chance to sink in.  I guarantee you you'll not want to sleep for at least a week and you'll avoid your local craft fair like the plague.




Thursday, August 29, 2013

Anime Week: POOF! I'm a Ninja!

One of the most critically acclaimed Anime of all time, Ninja Scroll is, frankly, both completely badass and creepy as fuck.


And for a movie that's about 20 years old, it holds up really well.

Taking place in feudal Japan, Ninja Scroll follows Jubei, a wandering warrior who said "Fuck this" to his membership in a team of highly skilled ninjas who were retained to protect a gold mine and bugs out.  The movie (which is billed as an action/thriller) lets us know that Jubei actually killed the leader of his team, Gemma.

Gemma, on the other hand, apparently disagreed with having his fucking head removed and decided to resurrect himself and gets together with a new team called the Devils of Kimon who, in turn, are led by Tokugawa shogunate and they kind of just hate everybody.  They're made up of some truly freaky folks.

Quasimodo, here, has a fuckin' beehive in his back.
During his bout of, seriously, just trying to mind his own fuckin' business, he manages to get poisoned by this chick:

Wanna guess how?

Her tattoos do this:

And they take her nipples and vagoo with them.
The antidote involves sleeping with this person:

The girl... and he gets sloppy seconds, I guess.
Plus there's this chick:

I was never quite sure how she was involved.
Anyway, I'm not telling you any more.  This is one of those movies you have to see.  I love it, though.  It's spooky and action-packed and it's just fuckin' beautiful.  Plus, it brings us straight into Japanese mythology.  It's just an all around gorgeous example of storytelling.

Seek this one out.  It continues as a series.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Anime Week: What a Dick! (NSFW)

Today, we go from mild to wild.  If you're at all offended by sex, leave now, because this is the granddaddy of all Hentai.

Hentai, by the way, is Japanese tentacle porn.  I'll explain in a bit.

So, yeah.  We're gonna bring out the big guns (HA!  Guns.)  today and talk about Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend.

The story (if you can call it that) goes like this:

There are three worlds, the normal world (人間界 Ningenkai), the demon world (魔界 Makai) and the beast world (獣人界 Jūjinkai).  Every 3000 years they decide to get up and party like it's 1999 and all kinds of shit goes down.  Most importantly, the appearance of the Overfiend, whose job it is to completely fuck up the planet and erase all life so the whole fuckin' thing can start over.  Which is fuckin' weird because Japanese culture has been around for about 17000 years.


Yeah, she's as confused as I am.  The hula hoop does not help.
Anyway, basically there are 5 movies and 3 OVAs (Original Video Animation) that tell a huge, convoluted story about how a Man-Beast named Jyaku is trying to find the true Overfiend and ensure the safety of all three worlds.  In the meantime, there's this kid named Tetsuo that's destined to be the host body for the Overfiend, the tart pictured above, Akemi, who is portrayed much more innocently in the film than the manga, Yuichi, a nerd who replaces his dick with a demon's and gets into all kinds of trouble with THAT and a whole bunch of other characters that just confuse the fuck out of me.

That's it, nerd.  Hide from the girls.
Now, this is obviously supernatural horror because we're dealing with demons and people cutting off body parts and replacing them with demon wangs and teachers that are part lizard demon and people dying all willy-nilly and shit.

Willy AND Nilly...
On the other side of the coin, we most definitely have eroticism because the Japanese most certainly like their schoolgirls all tied up and stuffed full of stuff in the tender places.

See, here's the deal with Hentai.  Japanese laws on erotica are SERIOUSLY strict.  They are not allowed to show penetration (in live action), pubic hair or, really, genitalia.  They get around this with black bars, cartoons and, since they can't show penises, tentacles.  This also goes hand in hand with their religion and their post-atomic fascination with Kaiju.  In this case we wound up with Godzilla all hepped up on the viagra.

That big blue thing?  Dick.

In any case, I recommend this film to those of us that are truly twisted.  It's been a while since I've seen it but, as confusing as it is, I kind of enjoy it.  If you want to show someone Hentai, show them this.  You can probably skip the 4 sequels but if you want to watch them, go right ahead.  I'm not stopping you.  I WILL say that I'm not fond of the obvious sexism but it makes a fascinating case study in Japanese media.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Manga Man Says: NOT FOR KIDS!

Today, kids, we're going to step away from standard horror for a moment and look at, as mentioned previously, the horror adjacent. 

For today, and, seriously, all this week, we're looking at Anime and it's expressions of horror, from the relatively tame and often hilarious Soul Eater to the completely balls-out fuck-nutty Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni.  The Asian people have a totally different and utterly beautiful way of expressing their societal fears and people may scoff at Anime but some of the most twisted and nightmare-inducing shit has come my way via Funimation.

Today?  Soul Eater.


 I started watching this on Toonami a few months ago and it became a favorite REAL fast. 

The premise goes like this.  Soul Eater follows a group of students at the DWMA (Death Weapon Meister Academy).  The students are split into teams, a "weapon" and a "meister".  Weapons are people that have the ability to actually turn into physical weapos and they maintain a psychic link with their meister.  The weapons' collective goal is to become a "Death Scythe" or a weapon specifically used by Death himself.  The meisters' job is to defeat evil people so that the weapons can eat the evil souls (and the soul of one witch) in order to complete this task.

Awww.  So forlorn and pensive.
So, yeah.  The primary team we're following is Maka and Soul.  He's a scythe and she's pretty much Hermione Granger.  Like Hermione, she will WHUP your FUCKIN' ASS if you cross her.  She looks meek and mild but she's got power and she's not afraid to use it.  On the outside, we've got Black*Star and Tsubaki (he's a smug fucking jerk-face and she's even meeker than Maka but has the ability to change into multiple weapon types) and Death the Kid, Liz and Patty (He's Lord Death's son and the girls can change into a pair of pistols (or larger, more dangerous weapons if the situation calls for it and he's got enough "soul resonance" to do it).

Anyway, at the academy, they are learning how to be the best teams they can be and what they're actually fighting against.  Their instructors include a zombie, Maka's deadbeat dad and Dr. Franken Stein.  Yes.  That actually happened.

Stein's the one adjusting the bolt in his brain.

It seems that the witches are the major source of antagonism and one of them has a plot to resurrect what's called a Kishin, an extra-naughty person with horrible mind-bending powers.



And that's all I'm telling you.  Frankly, as far as I'm concerned, this series kicks and everyone should be watching it.  I'm counting this one as horror-adjacent because it contains horror elements like interpretations of some of the classic movie monsters.  Even though it is not true horror, I think that horror fans would enjoy the bits used for flavoring.  Don't get me wrong, there are some horrifying elements to it (children are NOT safe) but for the most part it's action with a hint of comedy.

All four seasons are on Netflix streaming and it's kind of an awesome way to spend the weekend if you don't feel like getting off the couch.

What are you waiting for?  Go.  Watch.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Real-Life Terror

Let's talk about why I'm inches away from twenty to life for aggravated manslaughter, shall we?  Because this past week (other then GenCon, which I'll get to later) was a fucking nightmare.

So, my buddy, Dave is already at GenCon and his wife says to me, she says, "Hey, I wanna go, too."  And I say "I would like to go.  Let's go."  So we go.

Life is excellent until about 30 miles out of Indianapolis, when I get a temperature warning.  I figure it's the anti-freeze so I stop to top it off.  No big, right?

Yeah, no.

Ten miles LATER, I'm at the side of the road with a smoking engine, assholes with iPhones hanging out their windows taking pictures, 2 police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck (even though there was no actual fire) waiting for a tow truck that the police called because I DON'T HAVE GOOD RECEPTION!  Please note, this is 7 o'clock on a Friday night.  There's no place open at that time.  This totally has a slasher setup and I'm not pleased.

I manage to get it towed to the nearest Pep Boys, because they have weekend hours unlike any other sane business.  This last statement is not, in any way, meant to indicate that the Pep Boys corporation is "sane".

So, yeah.  I tell myself that it's out of my hands and go to enjoy myself at GenCon.  I figure it'll be done the next day and I can go on with my life.

It's not.

So, OK.  They have Sunday hours.  Fine.  Do your fucking job.

And then I get a call.

They went to pressurize my cooling system and blew out my anti-freeze plug.  It's a quarter-sized piece of metal that, for some unholy reason, THEY CAN'T GET THEIR HANDS ON!  At this time, I'm PISSED but there's nothing I can do.  My friends take me to a hotel down the street and three fucking days of mind-numbing tedium begin.

But WAIT!  There's a light at the end of the tunnel.  They call me the next morning and tell me I'm good to go.  They replaced the water pump, the timing belt and a whole bunch of other stuff in the immediate vicinity.  I go get the car and I pack up and I head on my way.

That light I mentioned?  Is my temperature gauge ten miles later.

Because I'm still leaking anti-freeze, y'see.

And THEN, I get to wait TWO FUCKING HOURS for a tow truck to bring me back there because, dammit, these people are going to fix my car and they're going to fix it right.  It takes them until 7 PM on Tuesday to tell me that it's done and I go to drive it and the check engine light pops on and I think there's still a leak.  Those were minor and they were resolved quickly.

I drive home yesterday without a problem but after tooling around a bit, I start to get the temperature light again.

FUCKING LIVID!

So, the local Pep Boys thinks it's a bad sensor and it's with them now while I have a rental in the meantime.

Fortunately, I didn't have to pay for any of the repairs after Monday (which basically involved replacing anything ELSE in my cooling system that they didn't get to, before, including my radiator) but I still want my car back.

I'm NEVER going to recommend Pep Boys.  Ever.  And they had BETTER make this right or I'm going to call a lawyer.

So, there's my horror story.  It hasn't ended, yet and if it doesn't end SOON there will be blood and tears.

Let's talk about some of the awesomeness of GenCon, though.

I'm a gamer-nerd and GenCon is the bestest place EVER because I get to shop.  I pre-ordered Cthulhu Wars, got the new Shadowrun and a zombie RPG called Outbreak (designed by  Ivan Van Norman from King of the Nerds) and some CthulhuTech sourcebooks as well as some nifty costume pieces and some REALLY nice pieces of luggage (yeah, I know, but nerds need to carry stuff, too).  If you ever get the chance to go to a huge convention, try it at least once.  I love them.  I'm only sad that I don't get to go to Dragon*Con this year.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Trapped

My car broke down in Indianapolis, kids, so I'm bunkering up in a hotel.  Posts will resume as soon as I can actually not be so pissed I can't see straight.

Ad-fucking-venture.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Sorry...

I'm sorry, kids.  Today was a little hectic but I'll have TropeFest ready for you tomorrow.

In the meantime, look at what took up a largish chunk of my day.

Look at it!  Looooooook!

The cupcake commands it.
I am pleased.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Earworm

Occasionally, kids, I get to see things that very few people have and, while this is not always a good thing, I relish the chance to do it.  It gives me a little thrill.  It's like getting the fast pass at the amusement park. 

Of course, sometimes the wait just isn't worth it.

In 2008, Pat Higgins released his mockumentary The Devil's Music.  It hit the festival circuit and it did pretty well.  Let's talk about it, shall we?

The film follows the exploits of Erika Spawn, a "shock rocker" with a bit of a shady past who's known for her angry feminism, anonymous guitarist in a gas mask, bitchy bassist and gory stage work with a straight razor and a lot of fake blood.  Plus the occasional stuffed animal used to dispel those stupid rumors spread about everybody from Alice Cooper to Marilyn Manson in regards to murdering puppies.

Through the course of the film, we get introduced to band members and agents and publicists and eventually, along comes the hook.  A little psuedo-groupie by the name of Stephanie.  No one knows how she became so important but she joins the tour and brings along her own brand of strange with her.

Are you talkin' shit about my girl?

There's also Erika's "competition" to worry about, Robin Harris, an ex-boy band member and all-around goodie-two-shoes.  Punk-ass bitch.

Now, BECAUSE this movie hasn't gotten a whole lot of exposure, I'm not going to tell you too much because I kind of think you have to see this for yourself.

'Cause ex-boy-band members occasionally need a boot to the neck.
That being said, though, I didn't care for it much.  For an indie film it was OK and the shaky-cam (which I still fucking abhor) wasn't too bad but seriously, I was more scared watching Sandro explode on Project Runway last week.  I understand that the point here wasn't to instill a sense of fear per se but, rather, to give an unflinching documentary-style look at a mystery involving a missing woman.  Unfortunately, it was about a woman with whom I was not emotionally invested.

Not her. I liked her.
 Don't get me wrong.  I'm all about metalheads stickin' it to the man and giving the world a giant fuck you and I know that's what Higgins was trying to do.  On that front I give him total props.  The ideas presented are the right ideas and I'm glad someone had them. 

On the other hand, we also had to deal with, in my opinion, lackluster acting where it seemed like characters were afraid to get passionate.  You're fucking metalheads, bitches, SCREAM!  Rage at the fucking machine!  Only the actress portraying Adele, the bassist, seemed to be able to bring her voice to full volume.  I don't know if that's a British thing or not but it makes for a rather milquetoast movie.  Plus, there isn't a lot to bring the gorehounds to the yard and the Satan fans might feel a bit teased.  And, lastly, the music was not fun to listen to.  It did not have a good beat and I could not dance to it.  If you're going to make a movie about music, make sure that AT LEAST the music is good.

Sorry, Pat.  I know you brought this to me directly and it had it's good points but I can't call it a favorite.  It's a GREAT effort, though, and that scores you some points.  I do see some AWESOME potential in your work, and that's what counts.

If you want to catch it for yourself, you can watch it here (not for free, though, sorry) and make up your own mind.  As I always say, your mileage may vary. 

Monday, August 12, 2013

Conditioner. Invest.

Hidey-ho, kids!  Today we're gonna dip our toes into the vast, murky waters of J-Horror again because, dammit, I sat through Sadako 3D for you so you didn't have to.  Bitches.





Also known as Ringu 5, director Tsutomu Hanabusa drags us kicking and screaming back into the world of Sadako, the stringy-haired ghost girl we've all come to know and loathe in the previous four Ringu films.  Because, seriously, how long can she go on being bitter about being tossed into a well?  Also, this one is in 3D which makes it even more annoying.

We start out with a dude in white tossing a long-haired girl into a well.  There's really no explanation for it but there are a whole lot of women with long, black hair and nightdresses in the well so it seems he's been at this for a while.

Captain Douchenugget
So, anyway, this takes place thirteen years after the events of the first movie and there's been a rash of suicides but they're all pretty darn mysterious so Detective Koiso and his partner are investigating.  The only link they can come up with is that they were all playing video on portable devices and (unbeknownst to them... because I like saying "unbeknownst") there's a voice that says "You're not the one" just before horrible hurty pain.  Koiso is all "this is just stupidness" but his partner believes in the cursed video put online by Kashiwada Seiji (the asshole in white up there), an online artist that had a troll-fight and got his panties all twisted.

In the meantime, one of the suicides is a schoolgirl in Akane Ayukawa's class.  The girl's friend, Lisa, is frantically trying to find the video because she's a stupid heifer.  When searching for the video, it leaves a 404 error but it will still play when you're alone.  Which is, like, the worst coding EVER.

You paid extra for this shit?
The video, by the way, is Kashiwada saying "It's Showtime" like he's fuckin' Beetlejuice or something and then being strangled by an invisible force.  SMOKE AND MIRRORS, I SAY!!  But then S (she's not named until later in the movie) comes out of the screen and strangles you with her gross, unwashed locks.  She manages to get a hold of Akane and says "You are the one."

And then we find out that Akane is a telekinetic and Sadako wants her because she's powerful and with her power she can erase all humanity from existence.  That's not optimal.  Sadako snatches Takanori Andou (Akane's boyfriend?) and makes him disappear into an LCD screen on the side of a truck.  Akane tracks Sadako down to her original well and has to do battle with all of the Sadako grasshopper monsters and she wins the day by destroying an iPhone because the Japanese are fucked in the head.

Stabby.
Seriously, Japan?  You're not even trying anymore.  What happened to dark and suspenseful?  What happened to moody and atmospheric?  I mean, you didn't even try to go all off-the-charts crazy.  You're turning into mainstream Hollywood, Japan and I don't like it.  If you're gonna give me grasshopper girls you could at LEAST invest in decent special effects.  These were all Invasion of the Crab Monsters cheesy.  Ed Wood could have done this better and he didn't even have CGI to contend with. 

I know that this movie had some out there advertising but, fuck, man.  The 3D was laughable.  The script was boring.  The lead actress stumbled her way through this like she was sharing Sharon Stone's highball on the set of Catwoman.  There was no art here.  This was all about profit and it shows.

Skip it.  Skip it HARD.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Sick.

I have what appears to be a Summer cold, kids (which could be something else judging by what came out of my butt at 3 AM and YES that's too much information but I'm on the killer OTC cold meds so suck it).

That being the case, today's post will be very short and direct and to the point.



DO NOT watch August Underground's Mordum when you have anything even resembling (from a long distance when you forgot your glasses) a weak stomach.

Just don't.

It's fantastic guerrilla film-making if you're into shaky-cam torture porn but it's heavy on the bodily fluids and my stomach did not appreciate it.

I'm going back to bed.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Bitches of Eastwick

Picture it.  1996.  The DVD player is introduced to the world.  The Mars Rover is launched.  Dolly the sheep is cloned.  The Spice Girls are tearing up the airwaves... as much as English teen sensations hyper-publicized girl groups can, anyway.  Tickle-Me Elmo is causing mothers to devolve into ape-like creatures that will tear the arm off of anyone that gets between them and their child's dream-toy.  Wiccans are highly underrepresented in the media and Fairuza Balk is bored shitless.

Thus is born a cult classic.


Sarah Bailey has issues.  Like, not just a few issues.  Like an entire newsstand worth of issues.  Apparently these issues were enough to make her family move to LA.  LA is the answer to everyone's problems, for realsies.  Smog has an inhibiting factor on teenage mental illness.  Or so I've been told.  I think I may have been lied to.  She gets accosted in the new house by a homeless dude.

One of her issues is a thousand-yard stare that she just can't control.

So she gets to her new school and befriends the outcasts.  Because that's what troubled teens do, y'see.  Bonnie (Neve Campbell), Nancy (Fairuza Balk) and Rochelle (Rachel True) all have their own issues.  Bonnie is covered in burn scars, Nancy comes from po' white trash and Rochelle... ummm...  well...  she black.  There's really no way to sugar-coat that.  They discover that Sarah has magical powers and stuff when she levitates a pencil in class and they think to themselves, "Hmm.  She seems to be of a supernatural nature.  Let's get her to be part of our coven and she can help us do some really cool shit.  Praise Manon."

Girl, you trippin'.
To emphasize this, the homeless dude from the beginning of the movie shoves a snake in Sarah's face and then immediately gets hit by a car.  Nancy and the others firmly believe that they made that happen.  This does not bode well.

So, anyway, Sarah really likes this guy Chris (Skeet Ulrich) because he's SO Johnny Depp-like and popular and junk.

I'm telling you, girl.  You're gonna get hurt.  I heard he has the syph.
But when he decides to spread a rumor that they had sex after one date, Sarah is rightfully pissed but also a little stalker-y (issues) so she casts a love spell on him at a slumber party (where they learn to cast glamors that change their hair color and play "light as a feather, stiff as a board" which never actually works because I've tried it) and he becomes a loyal puppy dog.

You would think they'd invest in some fuckin' pillows.  You KNOW she's gonna fall.
At the same time, Rachel makes her racist bitch tormentor's hair fall out.

Like Silkwood only starring Marcia Brady.
Bonnie wishes for beauty and her scars peel off like a healed sunburn.

No more ouchies!
And Nancy wishes for power.  She gets this in the form of magic with no immediate results.  Well, at least not until she causes her step-father to have a heart attack.

Naturally, Nancy has tasted blood and wants more so she says "Hey!  Let's go down to the beach and do this ritual to appease Manon who's this god that nobody's ever really heard of but he's totally awesome and we'll be real witches and shit."  So they do and Nancy gets a face full of lightning.  Obviously, this is going to have negative consequences.  This is probably best indicated by the fact that she hugs a dead shark the next morning.  Eew.

And then there was lightning.


So, yeah.  After that, Bonnie becomes totally enamored with herself and gets kinda Hey-Boys-Look-At-Me-licious.  Chris tries to rape Sarah and Nancy kills him by tossing him out a window at a party (while glamored to look like Sarah).

Fairuza Balk does crazy better than Nicholson.  True story.

Rachel... well, Rachel gets to watch a white girl crying.  Rachel is kind of useless.  I mean she's pretty and funny and I'd like to see Rachel True in more things but they really didn't play up that whole Malcolm X thing that they could have had a BALL with.


ANYWAY!  Nancy's totally out of control so Sarah tries to cast a binding spell (with the help of Assumpta Serna (the lady who runs the occult shop) on Nancy but it doesn't work and the coven turns on Sarah.  Like turns as in "tries to drive her crazy again with snakes and bugs so she'll commit suicide".  Nancy, of course, can't wait, so she cuts Sarah's wrists herself.  Of course, this does nothing but make Sarah angry so she freaks out Bonnie and Rochelle and finally binds Nancy so she can't do anymore harmful magic.  Because Sarah is a good witch, she just makes sure that Nancy ends up in Der Boobyhatch.

See?  Craziness.
This is one of those movies that's ultimately brainless and is pretty much destined to offend any Wiccan teenager that comes across it.  "Wicca doesn't work like that and I should know because I come from fifty generations of Wiccans even though Wicca, as a religion, has only existed for about 50 years but you should listen to me because I'm just a couple of razor blades away from an official cry for attention."

Bitch, please.

In any case, I'm FAIRLY certain that Fairuza Balk, an actual Pagan who ran her own occult store for a while, wouldn't have signed on if she thought it was going to represent Wicca unfairly.

So, yeah.  This is one of those love it or hate it movies.  Personally, I love it.  It's campy fun.  It has some laughable special effects (Girl... that hair...) and it seems a little preachy but seeing as how the preachy is coming from Nancy it's not to be taken seriously.  Plus, Fairuza Balk is a hoot and a half to watch and I've been a fan of her since Return to Oz (which, by the way, is pretty much a horror movie).  She's DELICIOUSLY over-the-top.

One thing that I adore about it, though, is that it doesn't rely on conventional tropes.  The Craft covers a lot of territory but it does so in a wholly original manner and I find that refreshing.

The Craft BEGS for a movie night with friends.  You should bring wigs to braid (unless your friends are actually girls) and nail polish and try to do that light as a feather thing to see if you can actually make it work.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Simple Simon Met a Pieman...

OK, so the thought that Australia wants to murder you in the face has spread to outlying areas like New Zealand and Tazmania.  This is bad... well, bad for anyone but a horror fan.

The 2009 After Dark Horrorfest included, as one of its 8 Films To Die For, an Australian mid-range almost barker called Dying Breed.  It has a little basis in fact but, much like any movie that includes the words "Based On A True Story" on the poster (Dying Breed does not, by the way), the factual elements are glamorized and enhanced for the sake of the story.

We start with a flashback to 1820 or so, with the local constabulary hunting down escaped convict Alexander Pierce (who was a real dude) who, when he IS just about caught and going to get shot, takes a bit out of the policeman's neck.  He's known as The Pieman.  This is important. 

Fast-forward to the present (and past the opening credits because who wants to watch those anyway) where we find Nina and her boyfriend Matt who are on their way to Tasmania to find the supposedly extinct apex predator, (or at the VERY least extremely endangered) the Tasmanian Tiger (or, as it's more properly called, the Thylacine or Thylacinus cynophalus, Greek for "dog-headed pouched one").  One would think that she wouldn't bother since it's been reportedly extinct since 1936.  I mean, seriously, it's like planning a dodo dinner.  It HAS kind of reached a "cryptid" sort of status, though, as sightings are still reported.  Nina, naturally, is spurred on by the fact that a fresh footprint was discovered by her older sister right before she vanished near the Pieman River.

Of course, they bring along their friends Jack and Rebecca who offer a bit of financial and moral support to the scientific cause. 


Are we THERE yet?

The group gets on a ferry and Matt, trying to be all personable and charming, asks a little girl what she's playing when he finds her doing something with a bunch of yellowing teeth.  She bites him and he deserved it because he was STUPID!

Then they get to their destination and Jack, because he is a colossal fucking moron, deliberately punctures one of the tires of a local's vehicle.  Of course, HIS car's been scratched in return and this makes him angry because he's apparently an entitled prick that doesn't believe that he's deserving of retaliation.  Later, in their rooms, Jack and Rebecca are in the middle of a little "down-under" when they discover that they're being watched.  Jack, still naked, chases the voyeur down and gives him a whuppin'.

The next day, they take a boat to their campsite and that evening, Matt and Nina actually find a Tasmanian Tiger.  She tries to get a picture but it runs away.  The rest grab their cell phones and give chase.  Rebecca, because she's had sex, gets killed and, not surprisingly, eaten.  Cannibal's, y'see.  You guys thought the extinct animal was gonna be the monster, didn't you?  Nooooooope.  This is all Texas Chainsaw up in here.

Did we agree on confusing me?
So, yeah.  They regroup, Rebecca is discovered to be missing and Nina has blood on her pants.  While looking for Nina, they find the little girl from the boat.  In their dealing with her, she drops a picture of her sister.  The little girl snatches it up and exclaims "It's Mama!" to the confusion of fucking everybody.  The girl's "father" shows up and agrees to help our gang find Rebecca.  He takes them to an old mine and warns them of booby traps.  He's not going any further.  No, really, he isn't because he gets murdered after he leaves them to the mine.

Jack finds Rebecca's phone and jacket and, in his paranoia, shoots a local and pins him to a tree through his cheek because everybody that's in the midst of panic is like fucking Robin Hood.

Not a sanitary piercing environment.
So, they get the geezer peeled off of the tree and keep searching.  They find a cabin and, lo and behold, the dismembered remains of Rebecca.  Jack, because his panic buttons are pushed entirely too easily, steps into a bear trap which causes him to flail like a Muppet™ and fall, catching his HEAD in a bear trap and that's the best scene in the entire movie.  Nina runs screaming like a little girl and Matt chases her.

The cannibals...

These guys...
Chase Nina but, in standard horror movie fashion, she falls and injures her leg.  She manages to hobble her way to a bridge where the local cannibal clan informs her that her sister was fertile and had a kid but she escaped and jumped from the bridge.  There's heavy impliciation that Nina will be used for the same purpose, because even inbred cannibals know that incest can only go so far when it comes to genetic diversity.  Of course, her pretty, blonde head was all "What the fuck?!?"   When Matt gets there, the only one remaining is a village woman who cuts her own throat.  Presumably from guilt over, y'know, kidnapping, torture, rape, murder and possibly even jaywalking.

So, Matt makes it back to town and gets the police involved.  He gets a mug of something tea/coffee-like and discovers that he was given a paralyzing agent.  In his drug-induced paralysis, one of the locals tells him that, like the Tasmanian Tiger, their clan must stay hidden to survive.  Because cannibal clans sort of force themselves into hiding so that their activities aren't reported.  Nina's set to be raped, Matt's tied to a chair and Nina's niece is peckish.  The End.

Now, squeal...

This is another one of those movies that I can't really say whether I liked it or not.  I mean, it's heavily derivative, INFESTED with tropes (and you know I love them but too much is too much) and relies too much on the cannibal angle for the scares when, seriously, it's not new anymore.  The hunt for the extinct animal seemed like a more interesting story and had the film makers gone with that angle, the movie could have been AMAZING.  Instead, they gave us a weak cannibal clan, allusions to Deliverance and an arrow through the cheek.

I'm not saying to skip it.  I'm just saying that there are better ways to spend your time.  But if you have a couple of hours to kill and you're not, say, washing your socks, you could give it a try.