Curses! Foiled Again!

So, you all know how much I heart the Child's Play series, right?  (Barring Child's Play 3 which, frankly, can be removed from my memory any time, now, because it sucked and sucked hard.)  It is with that love of Voodoo-enchanted plastic in mind that I bring to you today's review...

EEEEEEEE!  CURSE OF CHUCKY!!!

At least, that's what I'd say if I managed to actually LIKE this one.

Our story is about Nica, a young paraplegic woman who lives with her mother (played by Fiona Dourif, Brad Dourif's daughter).  Mom gets a package in the mail that happens to be a Good Guy doll and since we've all seen Child's Play, we all know that this does not bode well.

Mostly because mom gets cacked in the first 15 minutes, thereby causing the rest of Nica's family to show up.

With the nanny.  The young, homewrecking nanny.

Of course, the sister is all "But you can't take care of yourself!  I don't believe you're a real person since you're stuck in a wheelchair."  She wants to sell the house and put Nica in a home.

Mind you, Big Sis comes out with this BEFORE THE FUNERAL because Big Sis is a complete cunt.  She's a money-hungry bitch who resents that her husband doesn't have a publishing job anymore and, as much as the signs say other is ACTUALLY the one who's having an affair with the nanny.  We find this out later.  We ALSO find out that he put a nanny-cam in Chucky's front pocket.  This is a plot point.

I'll keep you safe from your bitch of a mom!  And thunder!   I'm your friend 'til the end!

So, anyway, Nica tries to diffuse the situation by giving Chucky to her niece and, to prove that she's competent enough to live by herself, Nica makes dinner.  Chucky poisons one of the dishes of chili with rat bait.  because he's an asshole who doesn't like delicious chili.  I think it's because he's jealous of people who can still eat.

No one dies at dinner but the priest that's visiting has to leave early.  He gets to die in a wreck on the way home.  Likely because he's slowly dying of arsenic poisoning.

Aaaaaaaaand, that's all you're getting.  Over the course of the night, lots of folks die.  Not necessarily in new and interesting ways but they're entertaining enough.

Housekeeping!

There are truly no words to express my disappointment with this movie.  It was certainly better than 3 but it sucked out loud compared to the rest.  The end of the movie was the best part, really.  This is NOT, by the way, the fault of any of the actors.  They did the best they could with the script they were given (except in a gawdawful flashback scene).  The special effects were decent and the updated Chucky doll, well, there's a face for ya...

Sweet dreams, bitches.

On the other hand, the script was weak, they ACTUALLY HAD A ROTARY PHONE that went out in the house ALONG with the cell phone which, since she could use it in the house all along shouldn't have dropped a signal, and they didn't play out the whole "stuck in a wheelchair" drama NEARLY as much as they could have.  They also cut out a WHOLE lot of the humor of the series.  The whole thing was beige.

Watch it if you want but don't say I didn't warn you.

Paddle. Faster.

I suppose it says something about me that I kind of avoid the Chiller channel.  I mean, yeah, sometimes they show some cool shit but for the most part they just show stuff I've already seen and kind of hated.  I think maybe if I watched it more, they might get more money in which to show better shows but for now, their line-up does nothing for me.

And then there's their "Original Movie" division which, let's face it, is just as cheesy as their parent channel, SyFy.  And with that, I bring to you...

There was anticipation in this film.  There was suspense.  There was "Where the hell is this movie going?  I have to see because I need to know whether or not I wasted my time!"  And waste my fucking time, I did.

Holy shitballs, this was a fuckin' snoozefest.  I literally only kept watching to see if it would get better.

Someone should be beating them with those oars.  Too bad they lose both of them.

It didn't.

From the beginning of the film, which is your standard "High school kids out for their last hurrah", to the introduction of the characters to the introduction of the cheesiest giant fish monster, EVER, to the one girl dying of a fucking scratch...

Like, OMG, it HURTS!  

Yes, a fucking scratch.  There wasn't even enough blood to paint a postage stamp.  I've had hangnails that bled more.  I'm fairly certain that the stupid bitch bled more during her period but that's just not dramatic, is it?

Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUN!!

And the "OMG, everybody's sleeping with everybody else except the one kid who WANTS to sleep with Blondie McHotPants" badly acted faux-drama was just... ugh.  There are no words for the tedium.  None.

Seriously, Larry Fessenden.  Fuck you.  I should not be watching a movie JUST out of "There's nothing else on and I'm too lazy to flip through the channels."

Is this where they all jump in the water to die because that would be rad... Oh.  Guess not.

I suffer for you people.  Remember that when it comes to gift-giving.  Christmas is coming, fellow nerds.  I wear a large t-shirt and Legos are always welcome.

Bulgaria? BULGARIA?

Apparently, this year is a big year for filming sequel remakes in Eastern Europe because this is the second one I've seen in a fuckin' week.

That being said, there's a VAST difference between the gigantic suck-fest that is Fright Night 2 and the newest iteration of I Spit on Your Grave 2.  Most notably the presence of a 20 minute rape scene that puts Irreversible to shame.

ISOYG2 follows Katie.  An aspiring model in New York who desperately wants work.  She finds an ad for a free photo shoot which, of course, is run by a skeevy Eastern European dude who, seriously, just wants her to get all oiled up and nekkid.  She refuses, natch, and gets to maintain her self-respect and dignity.

Take it off, Coco!

The uber-nervous Georgy feels bad for her and brings her her pictures.  She's rightly creeped out and locks him out.  Later on, she wakes up to find that he's in her damn bedroom snapping pictures on his iPhone.  She tries to get him out but he managed to be all "You like me, right?" and gets her hogtied on the floor.  Her neighbor hears her screaming and bursts in all hero-like only to get stabbed.  A lot.  And then Katie gets poked up the butt because Georgy is convinced that she really likes him.

And then Georgy calls his brothers to help him clean up the mess.  In the process, Katie gets drugged, forced to touch the knife that killed her neighbor, and stuffed into a box and then wakes up chained to a pipe in a basement being raped AGAIN.  She escapes and finds out she's in fucking Bulgaria. Because people weren't freaked out by Eastern Europe enough in A Serbian Film. 

The social worker that comes to get her from the cops turns out to not be a nice lady.  Who just happens to know the rapey brothers.  Because she's their mom.

This won't end well.

The rest of the film follows Katie and her roaring rampage of butthurt.  (HA!)

An eye for an eye, bitches!

Now, from a feminist standpoint, just like in slasher flicks, Katie makes the audience (particularly the male audience) empathize and root for a female protagonist.  Even taking into account the fact that there are not one but two extended rape scenes, the evolution from victim to survivor is Kind of awe-inspiring.

And a dude gets drowned in poop.

On the other hand, this movie was about 20 minutes too long, had superfluous plot points, made me suffer through some truly horrendous noises that should never come from a woman and had about the worst deus ex machina I've ever seen in horror fiction.

All of that aside, as a rape-revenge film this one is pretty high up there.  It makes you uncomfortable and it makes you think about what you would do in that situation.  About the only thing that's improbable is smuggling a human being in a trunk to Bulgaria.  In this day and age, getting that shit past TSA is not an easy thing.

X-ray this, motherfucker!

If you think you can handle this, give it a shot.  Don't seek it out if you have the least problem with rape because this is unflinching.

Remake? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

You know, I spend a lot of time defending remakes but sometimes a director just needs to be slapped.  Slapped until they reveal the person that gave them their funding then slapped again just to make sure.  And then we find the funders and slap them until they pay me lots of money to stop slapping them.

Because, seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  What the fuck were you thinking?

I was looking forward to Fright Night 2 because I really like Jaime Murray.  This'll teach me to look forward to stuff.  I can never have nice things.

Never.

We all know how the original Fright Night went and we all know how the first Fright Night 2 went.  Because I told you.  Because I'm awesome and I look out for you.  I'm your bestest friend.  Just like Evil Ed.  Evil Ed loves you.  Or at least he did in the original.  And then he died.  A lot.  I'm not going to die.  Not right now, anyway.

And, we all know how the remake of Fright Night went.  Because any good horror movie fan would have seen it.  It was OK.

And now, here we are with a remake of Fright Night 2.

Oh, fuck me.

Or, should I say, a gender-swapped remake of Fright Night with half the premise, half the excitement, half the talent and half the budget.  And it shows.  A lot.

This is EXACTLY like Fright Night except it takes place during a school trip to Romania (thus explaining the budget) and the vampire is a woman.  A very famous woman.

You know who I'm talking about.

I bet you'll never guess who she is.  I'm gonna tell you anyway because I hate surprises.  Bitch is Elizabeth Bathory.  Bathes in the blood of virgins.  Very fucking Polish.  Not related to Dracula at all, even though the director (I'm looking at you, Eduardo Rodriguez... AND you, writer Matt Venne) chose to link her to Stoker's novel AND base her in "Dracula's castle".  Do your fucking homework, for serious, assholes.  I don't want to hurt you but I feel I must at this point because you're just muddying everything up AND giving Bathory a history she does not possess.

That is a big-ass tub of blood.

As a lifelong fan of vampire stories, that just pisses me off.

But, anyway, let's talk about sequels for a minute.

Aren't sequels supposed to at least acknowledge the events of the first movie and not retell the story of the first movie with the only changes being a gender-swap here and there?  Isn't Evil Ed supposed to be a nerd, not a bro?  Seriously, Evil Ed should be a BRONIE before being anything resembling "cool".  Evil Ed is not all leather jackets and swagger.  Evil Ed is cosplay and comic books.  This ALONE makes me hate this movie.  Didn't Amy have more sass even when she was played by a perky lesbian?  Didn't Jerry Dandridge (not GERRI Dandridge, as she's named in this one) ooze more sex?

Yeah.  Not scary at all.

Seriously, the only thing I can recommend about this movie is the guy playing Peter Vincent and even he's a fucking douche.  The only bit of hilarity?  Vincent has a tattoo of a cross on his chest and he tries to kill Evil Ed with a fucking hug.  A HUG!  He's like goddamn Mati in Captain Planet.  The power of heart does not fucking help.  Why do people always forget that?

Steer clear, kids.  Even the boobs in this one are sad.