Friday, April 25, 2014

Bits and Bobs

HA!  "Bobs"  See what I did there?

ANYWAY!

Hiya!

I really like how people are seeing the blog and recognizing the potential for it to get out new content and promote the little guy.  'Cause I like little guys.  They're bendy.

Wait... no... not what I was talking about.

So, yeah.  Occasionally, I get asked to review indie projects and I really do get a kick out of them.  It seems like the indie film maker kind of understands more of what horror is about, particularly in the short form.  And it's with that, that I present to you the short films "Like a Doll" and "Black Spot".


Like a Doll, by French director Joseph Catté, is a soliloquy, of sorts.  There's almost no history to it beyond what the narrator (also the "final girl") tells us.  It just starts with a razor and ends with blood.  It's elegant in it's simplicity and, goddammit, everything sounds better in perfect fucking French.  It has a definite "art house" vibe to it that I appreciate and it's one of those films that, without being familiar with the spoken-word piece that it's derived from, begs to be analyzed.  In this case it feels very "pro-feminist" and "ridding one's self of demons".  Because it's subtitled, I know a lot of folks won't watch it but I like a good foreign film so catching it is up to you.




The second in our gruesome-twosome of shorts, today, is "Black Spot" by director Luther Bhogal-Jones.  

No title screenshot of this one.  Boo, Luther...  Boo
 
There's little to no dialogue in this one which enhances the creepy.  It's a home invasion film in miniature with nods to the cannibal-clan  which makes it a nifty little number.  While there's no true claustrophobia, he does give us a wonderful sense of isolation with the setting being a lonely road.  Plus, Mr. Bhogal-Jones made it in 3-D which just adds to the mild sense of awesomeness.  I say mild because this one does need some work.  It's brightly lit which detracts, some, from the sense of dread (although, I certainly get the "horror in daylight" deal) and while there's some of the protagonists history interwoven into the story, I get the sense that the violence is just for the sake of violence.  There's no deeper purpose beyond implied cannibalism.  It's still a decent watch, though, and, of course, your mileage may vary.  

Unfortunately, Youtube is being a little bitch and I can't link a video from Vimeo over here so if you want to catch it, head on over to: www.vimeo.com/fasterproductions where you can watch both the 2D and 3D versions of the short.

So there you are, kids; a little somethin'-somethin' to wipe away the stink of boredom.

Enjoy!  I did.


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Goodbyyyyyyye, Nurse.

OK, Bitches, I'm back.  I love you, I missed you, smoochie-smoochie, let's get to some trash talk.

What.  The.  Fuck.  Nurse 3D?






No, fucking seriously.  What the fuck were you thinking?  I have never (OK, I'm lying but it's for effect.  Roll with it.) in my life seen such a half-assed piece of shit trying to pass itself off as an A-Grade horror film.  This is C-Grade at best and I'll tell you why.

This bitch.

Yeah... That's a sexy face.  Uh-huh.  Sure.
Paz De La Huerta, who, in case you don't watch Boardwalk Empire, is basically Lindsay Lohan without the good hair or actual career to fall back on should she straighten up and fly right.  (No, seriously, Lindsay.  We care about you.  Get help.)  Paz De La Huerta, who could die in relative obscurity tomorrow and the only person who would actually care might be Jack Nicholson and the reporter who had to endure her being naked and smeared with honey in a sauna during an interview.  Paz De La Huerta whose voice I cannot stomach and, for realsies, made me want to turn this shit off but I watched it for YOU!  You owe me.

Are you talkin' to ME?  I'll fuck yo' shit up.
SO, the premise of this movie is actually kinda neat.  It's all Dexter with a slice of naughty nurse (which proves, yet again, that the target audience for horror movies is young men).  The flavor text at the beginning of the movie reminds us that more murders happen at the hands of medical personnel and the field, in and of itself, contains more serial killers than any other profession.  I don't know if it's true or not but it's a nice touch.

This being said, Defender of the Brazilian Bikini Wax (and eventual Rehab Patient of the Year) Paz De La Huerta slurs her way through trying to be all slinky and sexy and bisexual and shit (none of which is a problem unless you're doing it badly... which she is), all the while being a serial killer that preys, specifically, on cheating husbands.   And she has a crush on her nursing student trainee.  Whose stepfather is cheating on her mother.

Ooooooooh.  A plot.  Kinda.

Bitch, please.
So, we've got Dexter, naughty nurse, and Single White Female...  ummm... yeah...

Hell.  This movie was pure, 100%, no doubt about it, fucking Hell.  If this was any more Hell, you would find lawyers and politicians groveling in their own waste and getting poked with pitchforks.  It didn't even make up for it with a decent body count, except until the end, and even then, it was disappointing because all the victims were strapped down on gurneys.

People need to be hurt for this movie.  The only bright spots it afforded me were the return of Judd Nelson and Kathleen Turner and their parts weren't even that big.  If I had to stare at De La Huerta's freaky, lopsided titties any longer, I was going to hire a crack team of mercenary plastic surgeons to hunt her down and fix them.  That shit ain't no joke, yo.

So, yeah.  Skip this one with a song in your goddamn heart.  Yuk.