Friday, June 20, 2014

UGAT2014: Samwise Gains a Level in Badass

http://bloodsuckinggeek.com/ultimate-gore-a-thon-2014/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+bloodsuckinggeek%2FppuA+%28Blood+Sucking+Geek%29
LINKIE!!!

And so it comes to my last entry for Ultimate Gore-a-Thon 2014 and I'm going to do something... Expected.

Since I've already covered both of the previous Cabin Fever films, I'm just going to say "In for a penny" and go ahead and give you my utterly unsolicited opinion regarding Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero.  And you can't stop me.  Nyaah.


I have to tell you I came into this with dread.  Fear and loathing were my constant companions as I re-entered the world of a flesh-eating virus that strikes in minutes rather than days.  Hatred infused my veins as I started the movie, wanting to deck the director if this had so much of a whiff of the stench of the other two.

Fuck me if I wasn't shocked as hell.  I actually... *shudder*... LIKED this one.  Probably because Ti West was nowhere near this fucker.  

The fact that I want to bone Sean Astin is completely beside the point.
This third installment of what, to now, has been an abysmal sack of rotten cocks, has an intelligent plot, decent acting (for the most part), gruesome special effects and humor that doesn't always meander straight over the line to Toilet-land.

This isn't to say that there isn't plenty to poke sticks at, though.

First off, this thing is trope-heavy as HELL!  See this guy?

Selfish McDickface.
This guy is a scientist that isolated the LAST outbreak of this shit and found the ONE guy that's immune to it (Sean Astin, above), and DAMMIT if he's not going to find a cure come Hell or high water because that will make him the most famous scientist in the ever-est of ever and fuck all of you because I'm awesome and y'all are dicks.  Of course, since the one guy is immune to it they can't just, y'know, let him leave.  Naturally, he's pissed about it and he figures out a way to get that shit spread to the entire complex because fuck it.

Enter our stupid young adults.  Not teens this time.  Shocking.

Beer.  You're drinking it wrong.
Of course, these dicks are on a vacation in CENTRAL AMERICA (idjits) because one of them is getting married.  So his brother and his business partner (along with his, unbeknownst to the rest of them, ex-girlfriend who happens to be fucking his brother, now) decide to take his bachelor party to a deserted island (idjits) whereupon they will snorkel and cavort with much booze and weed. Because THAT'S smart.

And, natch, the island they happen to land on houses the scientific compound where all but three of the scientists are really, truly and utterly dead.  (Except one guy but he gets his face mushed.)

And, because this virus has many vectors, the ocean around the island is a fucking graveyard, as discovered by the brother and the fuck-toy.  They discover that it's communicable like this:

Way to earn your red wings.
Fucking seriously, people.  If someone has visible signs of a skin infection, which she did and they were pointed out well in advance, DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEM!  Get them to a fucking doctor.  Toot-fucking-suite.  Pronto.  NOW, asslick!

Jesus.

So, yeah.  Additional hijinks ensue, including tunnels filled with the dead, sympathetic scientist, bimbo scientist with a faceful of rotten flesh and a goddamn rotted catfight.  Because we all need to see formerly hot girls get their tits literally ripped off.

Yes, yes, we see your fakeys.
All-in-all, though, this was a decent romp and I THANK director Kaare Andrews for taking a shitshow and making it actually fun to watch.

Well, as much fun as a disease they treat with BLEACH can be, anyway.






Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Ultimate Gore-A-Thon 2014: The Sickening Sequel!

http://bloodsuckinggeek.com/ultimate-gore-a-thon-2014/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+bloodsuckinggeek%2FppuA+%28Blood+Sucking+Geek%29


It's BACK! And gorier than ever.  Because that's how we roll, yo.

ANYWAY, since I didn't focus at ALL on gore last year, I'ma gonna give it to you in SPADES this year.  Shovelfuls.  Buckets.  Mostly because it's stinkin' up the place and I'm a delicate fuckin' flower.

In other news, Ti West still needs to be beaten with an oar.  Because before he gave us pseudo-80's, retro-not-inspired hipster horror, he apparently sucked Eli Roth's dick so much that Roth had to let him direct something to get him to uncork.  And we ended up with Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.


For those of you unaware of the franchise (and, frankly, if you're reading this, you are probably not unaware), Cabin Fever was all about a flesh-eating bacteria infecting a group of campers all unknowingly and causing untold mayhem because they were too stupid to go to the fucking hospital.  Now, we all knew how this was gonna go down if there was a sequel.  That shit was going to spread like the measles at Jenny McCarthy's house.

And it does.  At a school.  Just before Prom.  Because proms are never safe in a horror movie.  Horny teens all sweaty in expensive clothes they'll only wear once are ripe for the pickin', it seems.  So, yeah, and it's because of the world's obsession with bottled water which, seriously?  Does not come from a magical spring in the mountains of Katmandu no matter what they tell you.

Yeah... Bathroom BJs are... ummm... yeah...
I... I can't... I don't...  See, I REEEEEALLLY didn't want to watch this.  And it turns out that  I was right not to want to.  From the moment we see a kid get a blowjob in the bathroom from Hazel the Happy Herpes Donor to watching the same kid remove his finger nail and THEN TRY TO GLUE IT BACK ON HIS PUS-FILLED DIGIT to watching the big girl lose her virginity (and a tooth) and then bleeding out through her vag in the school pool, to the janitor pissing chunky, syrup-y blood in the punchbowl all the way through the end of the (sadly and unfortunately Ocean-Disco-themed) prom, this movie is gross but that's about all it gives us.

Blood and puke do not bounce on light-up dance floors.
Well, it DOES give us Noah Segan, whom I like, and the cute gay daddy-bear principal and his man-mountain of a husband who shows up for all of three seconds being all nelly with his waxed moustache and kids being tear-gassed and choking to death on their own blood in the school gym but, really?  This is trashy, z-grade filth.  Normally, I'd be all about that kind of thing but I just did not care for it.

I'm guessing it was because Ti West has no concept of the balance between horror and comedy because he's the worst horror director, ever, besides Adam Wingard, and I have a feeling that horror-comedy is what he was going for. Fail.

Plus this guy playing the cop should be driving a pedo-van.
Even the cartoon sequences were fucking awful, man.  That was some tacked on bullshit.

I mean, yay, props for gallons of fake blood but, for real, man, this movie was weak.  Weak and helpless like a baby kitten.  Weak like Skyline Chili.

Also, gross like Skyline Chili.  For realsies, never eat there.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Gimme an F! Gimme a U!

So, in an attempt to single-handedly destroy everything I know and love about Lucky McKee's movies, Lucky McKee half-asses his way through his latest b-grade monstrosity.

And I do not use "monstrosity" in a "horror compliment" kind of way, here.


When I saw this was coming out, I thought "Hey, neat!  Mr. McKee is going to try his hand at lighter teenage fare" and then I watched it and I THOUGHT it was gonna be all about a plot to get back at a football Playa with the morals of a stoat with a glandular condition which was gonna be awesome.

Boy was I wrong.

Yeah, it STARTS that way, along with a cheerleader breaking her neck which was pretty cool because this particular cheerleader happened to be a grade-A beyotch but then the stupid started happening.

See this guy?  Needs a slap in the dick.  Right on the head.
Oh, so much the stupid.  First you have the weird psuedo-wicca chick who actually hates the term Wicca because she "a real witch" with actual powers and shit who's all stalker-y with the lead girl who joined the cheerleading squad to sow discord amongst the blonde.  Then you have the cheerleaders themselves who have chosen to deliberately set the Women's Movement back about 60 years.  And then you work in some serious lesbian shit that would have made any normal, real-life, high-school lesbian hide her face.  I know cheerleaders can be out and proud and YOU know cheerleaders can be out and proud but the rest of the world?  Not so much which is why Blondie McLollipop-Shorts gets her face punched by her dickweasel ex.

And then we get into the super-strange where the guys legitimately run the girls off the road to stop them from going to the police and turning them in for assault which, granted, on the girl's part was the correct course of action but, for realsies?  Use your fucking phone. 

And then this happened.
I wanted to like this.  I really did but it was a giant ball of disjointed, unexplainable, not-very-entertaining fluff and Lucky McKee should be ashamed of himself.

SHAME!!

Insert standard "Hot girls prowl the hallways scene" here.
Now, I'll give him props for not just making the girls zombies and promoting healthy body images but, seriously?  Magic vampires that don't need to bite you?  They can just cause your blood to leave your body and float to their waiting, open, super-collagenated pouty-lips because pretty girls are supposed to get everything handed to them?  Powered by magic crystals like some kind of Sailor Moon, anime bullshit?  And they're the GOOD GUYS?

Plus, they don't get in trouble for trespassing.  Bonus.
AND!  And.  This was PART ONE!  That means McKee is making MORE of these barkers.  I feel bad for renting this shit, now, because I've AT LEAST paid for a sandwich from craft services, now.  If they mail me the sandwich, I MIGHT forgive him. 

As long as it's not tuna salad.  Nobody ever lost love over that shit.


Thursday, June 5, 2014

One-Word Title of DOOOOOOM

This week has been just fucked.  It's not that it's wierd or anything.  It's just one of those "I'm not accomplishing a damn thing" weeks which always suck.  So, in light of that, I'M ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING, DAMMIT while I wait for medical records to be available for pickup. 

So, anyway, I watched Oculus.





And it was disturbing...

...LY FLAT!

Let's outline the plot.  Kid gets released from a mental hospital into the care of his older sister who has an obsession with an antique mirror.  Said mirror is said to be cursed and she's going all "Ghost Hunters" on it with timers and food and water and cameras and computers and redundant cameras and... plants... an... and... a dog... Wait, what?

Gurl.  That picture is NOT ready for its close-up.
It turns out that this mirror, which was bought for their mother, has a REALLY long history of mayhem which, when they were kids, was not known.  It's only because chicky-boo got into the antique auction business that she found the history of the damn thing which, among other things, included a nanny tucking the children into bed.  And by "bed", I mean a well. 

So, in a semi-classic fashion, the story is being told via present-day activities and flashbacks to their childhood.  A childhood which included a mother who was so insecure about herself that she constantly worried about a caesarian section scar ruining her marriage (for real?) and a father who was maybe, kinda, sorta having an affair IN HIS OFFICE WHILE THE KIDS WERE HOME.  Who does that?  An idjit who wants to get caught, that's who.

Daddy, why are you touching that lady's no-no parts?
 Moving on... A childhood that contains a dying dog, and houseplants that Mom can't keep alive for shit and Mom going bug-fuck binkers after she snoops around Dad's office.  Like... chewing on the ceramics and chained to the wall, cray-cray.

Laura Ashley is not your look, Katee Sackhoff.
Seriously.  You've got a cursed mirror which can not only possess you but it can bring forth all of the ghosts of the people it killed, murder house plants and innocent doggies and make you think you're eating glass and this is what I get?  Two-dimensional characters plotting against a vanity? 

This.  I'd rather be doing this.
I mean, it's not bad and it's an OK way to turn your brain off for a few hours because there is a serious lack of thinking ability required here but fuck, this could have been so much better.  So much more intense.  As it stands, I felt like I was watching an uppity version of Goosebumps.

UPPITY, I tell you.

I did like how they tried to build in the "unreliable narrator" trope and make the kid that just got released into the wild the "sane" one but it felt a little tacked on.  The acting itself wasn't bad, either, considering what they had to work with but the story probably looked good on paper.  I should know, by now, not to trust a horror film that says "From the makers of Paranormal Activity and Insidious" on the poster but I do this for YOU.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a director I need to slap.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Jack Chick Can Kiss My Ass.

So... when you hear the word "horror", what comes to mind?

Blood and bone and sticky things?  Skitterings just outside your field of vision?  Great beasts capable of tearing a man in two? Hauntings of a paranormal sort?

How about nerds.  Do you think about nerds?  Ever?  Are they BENEATH YOU or something?  Why doesn't anybody ever think of the nerds.

Joe Lynch did and it was GLORIOUS!


Nerds do not get nearly enough screen time.  Or... they didn't until The Big Bang Theory came along.  Then, suddenly, they're all over the place.  I kind of don't count Revenge of the Nerds because, seriously?  Vader-Rape?  Not cool.

So, this Joe Lynch guy comes along and says "Hey!  Let's make a movie about LARPing gone incredibly wrong when some asshole buys a book off of EBay and treats it like a wizard's spellbook when, in fact, it actually is one.  WOOHOO!"

Seriously?  You HAD to follow the directions?  Really?

So... that's the movie.  Really.  Yeah, there's some cheesy romance and the getting over of exes, imagining your ex as an evil she-beast who is more than willing to tear the heart out of her victims and nosh on it in the middle of the woods, the temporary resurrection of fallen friends to assist in the defeat of your foes, new romance with Summer Glau (who is ADORABLE), Peter Dinklage on a WHOLE LOT OF DRUGS and prissy DMs who delight in making the game uncomfortable for everybody.

Verily, I dost believeth that this waffle of douche be deserving of yon can of whup-ass.
This movie isn't going to make sense to anyone who hasn't LARPed or doesn't know someone who has.  This is an entirely geek-centric flick and I, for one, am down with that.  I mean, barring the fact that the "hero" is the "cool guy" who gave up Dungeons and Dragons years ago and was literally shanghaied into the whole thing with the help of a shitload of alcohol and enough pot to stone your average brontosaurus.  Why it gotta be the cool guy, huh?  Why couldn't it have been the squeaky nerd with glasses, huh?  Oh, wait.  That's played out, too.  Well, fuck.  I guess I'll just have to live with it.

I'm pretty sure that a "continual light" spell doesn't require 3 triple-A batteries.
On the plus side, if, like me, you hold just a tiny touch of disdain for LARPers who take what they do entirely too seriously (Fucking Vampire: The Masquerade created some heinous geekery, man...), then you'll also get a kick out of Knights of Badassdom.  Because there's this:

Best.  LARP-monster.  Ever!
And for you Game of Thrones fans?  There's this:

DINKLAGE!  He can hear the wind on his skin... it's Burnt Orange.


Pay no attention to the idiots on IMDB because, as I said, they're idiots.  YES, the characters are two-dimensional.  YES, this is totally B-Grade comedy-horror schlock.  YES, this was written to pander to LARPers.  You know what?  I DON"T CARE!  This is a horror movie whose cheeks you wanna pinch and say "Oo's a widdle horror movie, den?  Oo's all adorable and I just wanna eat you up, yes, I do and when you grow up you'll scare EVERYBODY and mommy will be so proud of you, yes, she will."

Just fucking watch it.  You'll be glad you did.

And, on a final note:  I leave you with this to brighten your day: