tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59605207123765068562024-03-09T21:46:13.999-05:00Candy-Coated Razor BladesHorror. Snark. Occasional gummy bears. 'Cause they're rad.
HI! I like horror movies. A LOT. I like 'em so much that I want to make fun of them. ALL of them. Except maybe the ones I really like.
So come join me Monday through Friday as I smack around YOUR favorites, too! Plus, I'm all smart and junk so you might just learn something in the process.
TROPEFEST!: Attack of the Killer Cliches is now available on Amazon!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1520784511BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.comBlogger365125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-20399829486570961842019-10-02T12:44:00.000-04:002019-10-02T12:44:05.364-04:00We Has Nightmares News!<span id="gmail-m_-727941507700207050gmail-m_8254185969328738299gmail-docs-internal-guid-f2332a32-7fff-704c-0315-31e54987f801" style="color: black; font-family: -webkit-standard;"></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We have the OFFICIAL 2019 press release for <a href="https://www.nightmaresfest.com/">Nightmares Film Festival</a> with the full line-up for your viewing pleasure!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Get into it, kids!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">************************************************ </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NIGHTMARES FILM FESTIVAL REVEALS KILLER 2019 PROGRAM </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Four-Day “Better Horror” Lineup Brimming with Premieres, Coveted Films from Around the World</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Columbus, OH - If this is a Nightmare, horror fans won't want to wake up.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Closely-watched Nightmares Film Festival has outdone even its most legendary stuffed-to-bursting programs with 2019’s lineup, which will pack 190 of the world’s best features and shorts from around the world into this year’s four-day event, Oct. 24 to 27.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“We are so honored the world’s best genre creators trust us to present their work,” said co-founder and programmer Jason Tostevin. “This year, we have assembled more ‘better horror’ for our Nightmares audience than ever before.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Leading the lineup are 24 features from both beloved horror filmmakers and important new voices in genre film. Included are Hammer Films’s </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Lodge</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, from the makers of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Goodnight Mommy</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">; </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Daniel Isn’t Real</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, from the producers of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mandy</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Greasy Strangler</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">; </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">VFW</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, from the director of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Almost Human</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">; </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Eat Brains Love</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, adapted from the popular novel; and closing night film </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Z</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, from the creators of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It Stains the Sand Red </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Still/Born</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The fest will also present a screening of </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jörg Buttgereit‘s infamously banned necrophilic exploitation film </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nekromantik</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> … brand new horror comedy anthology </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Scare Package</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">…</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She Never Died</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, the sequel to the 2015 Henry Rollins action-horror film </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He Never Died </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">… the Carpenter Brut-scored </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Blood Machines</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> ...</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the world premiere of FX artist Marcus Koch (<i>We Are Still Here</i>)'s doc on the history of extreme cinema, <i><b>Beyond Horror </b>... </i>and the world premiere of Tommy Faircloth (</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dollface</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">)’s newest film, </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A Nun’s Curse</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of Nightmares’s best known traditions, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the Late Night Mind Fuck</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> -- called “one of the most dangerous and challenging blocks of programming at any festival” (The Film Coterie), returns this year with two world premieres. First is </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Obsessed </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">from Italian extreme director Domiziano Christopharo (previous NFF winner </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Torment</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">), a body horror freak-out based on the manic descent of Bjork’s stalker. And at 2 a.m. is the dark, harrowing and sexually explicit </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">29 Needles</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The festival’s reputation for presenting the best curated shorts blocks on the planet continues with a lineup of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">150+ horror, thriller, midnight and horror comedy short films</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, including dozens of world premieres. Its Recurring Nightmares blocks are also back, highlighting NFF audience favorites returning with new work, and its Ohio shorts blocks will offer up some of the best locally made films.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nightmares has also named the 13 finalists in its short and feature screenplay contests. These screenwriters will be given the chance to connect with selected filmmakers to explore production of their scripts through the NFF FinaLIST matching service.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All selected competition films and screenplays vie for a coveted Night Mare statuette, representing the dark horses of genre. The Night Mare is sculpted and painted by renowned toy and figure creator Tony Simione (Marvel, Star Wars, Godzilla, Alien). </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A complete list of features, shorts and screenplay finalists follows below.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Want to make the pilgrimage to Nightmares this year? Some </span><a href="https://gatewayfilmcenter.org/nightmares-film-festival-2/" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">passes are still available</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, though they always sell out. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nightmares Film Festival has been called one of the world’s best horror film festivals by every major genre outlet. It has maintained its position as the world’s top-rated genre festival on the submission platform FilmFreeway for 35 consecutive months. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">###</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">NIGHTMARES FILM FESTIVAL 2019 PROGRAM</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">FEATURE FILMS</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Lodge </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Swallow</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Girl on the Third Floor </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">VFW</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Nekromantik </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Eat, Brains, Love </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Daniel Isn't Real</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">She Never Died</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Blood Machines</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">A Nun's Curse</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Reckoning</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Antrum </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">1BR </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">To Your Last Death </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Making Monsters</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Z </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Beyond Horror </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Slaughterhouse Slumber Party</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Ghost Killers vs Bloody Mary</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Obsessed</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Scare Package</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">29 Needles</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Puppet Killer </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Lake Michigan Monster</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SHORT SCREENPLAY FINALISTS</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Bathwater - Kevin Talley</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Demon Inside Me - Brandon Rutherford</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Gender Reveal Party - Alison Parker</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Hush Little Baby - Ricardo Bravo</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Cave of Tits - Stephen Stull</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Vuorwro - Ron Riekki</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Boogeyman Bait - Kay Phillips</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Field Test - Chris Hicks</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Love as a Practice for Dying - Shayna Connellly</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Mary, Dispossessed - Kristy Walsh</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Garden - Guillermo Ortiz</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Squirrels in the Attic - Rachel Thomas-Medwid</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Who Wants Dessert? - Venita Ozols-Graham</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">FEATURE SCREENPLAY FINALISTS</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Night People - Søren Budge</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Mom Died - Michael Klug</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Chamber - Sergio Pinheiro</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Timmy Cooke: A Cannibal Love Story - Aaron Barrocas</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Persona - Jeffrey Howe</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Mothman - Jackson Murray</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">No Overnight Parking - Meg Swertlow</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Serial Killers Anonymous - Robert Forsberg</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Daughters of Virtue - Michael Escobedo, Greg Sisco</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Third Date - Avishai Weinberger</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">He Brings The Night - Kevin Donner</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Monger - David Axe</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Girl Trouble - Devi Snively</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">HORROR SHORTS</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Boo</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Trust Me</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Melody</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">In Sound, We Live Forever</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Tattooist</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">To Enter You Must</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Off Fleek</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Atomic Ed</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Steve And The Dead Girl</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Creaker</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">She Must Vanish</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Inferno</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Piggy</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Lippy</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">A-Symmetry</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Burden</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Destroyer of Worlds</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Room 106</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Vicious</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Water Horse</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">How To Be Alone</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Night Crawl</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Nest</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Plainsong</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Tick</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Twig</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Portraits of Fright</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Z-GOAT: First Bleat</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Asian She - Competitive Mourning</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Third Hand</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">She Fell</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Songs My Mother Taught Me</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Attention</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">MJ</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Tagged</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Ferine</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">A Doll Distorted</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I Learned How to Drive at the End of the World</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Limbo</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Headcleaner</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Check</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Orchestra</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">THRILLER SHORTS</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Feeder</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Nineteen Ninety Nine</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Cassandra</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Lili</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Gaslight</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Taste of Blood</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">A Clown's Tale</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Man in the Corner</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Prefigured</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">It Came Nameless in Spring</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Mutiny</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Housesitters</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">We Die Alone</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">September</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Maggie May</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Communication is Key</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Broadside</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">SICK</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Chickens</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">One Bad Night</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Automaton</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">A Noise That Carries</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Lock and Key</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Buffalo & Trout</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Itch</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Playtime's over</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Catfight</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">MIDNIGHT SHORTS</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">VR Food</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Adams</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Hot Dog</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Existential Donut</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Bennifer</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Valerio's Day Out</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Demons</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Cured</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Together</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Malacostraca</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Program</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Herman</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Mannequins</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Changeling</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Stucco</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Little Willy</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Outsider</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Farsight</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Five Course Meal</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Animator</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Imagine a World</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Sasquatch</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Breathe</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Guy</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Contract</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Unholy 'Mole</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Diddie Wa Diddie</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Daughter of Dismay</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">I See Through You</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">A Night Without</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Dad</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Jackie</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">HORROR COMEDY SHORTS</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Killer Date</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Dead Teenager Séance</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Bad Fun</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">OverKill</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Exhibit Man</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">NeckFace</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Inflatio</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Possessions</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Zebra</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">We Got a Monkey's Paw</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Half-Cocked</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">We Follow You</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Ghost Turd</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Reunion</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">SHHHH</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Blow Out</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Scary Stories: Bloody Mary</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sleep Tight</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">OHIO SHORTS</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Winter's Blood</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Forgive Me</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Look Twice</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Where The Shadows Fall</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Drainage</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Unknown Number</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Madness' by Black Liquid</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Tea Time for Lions</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Wake Up Mark</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The Coffin</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Benito's Brew</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The End of the World: An Update</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Tethered</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Weight</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Calibri,sans-serif; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Things With The Glowing Green Eyes</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<br /><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">CONTACT: Jason Tostevin, co-founder and programmer</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="gmail-m_-727941507700207050gmail-m_8254185969328738299gmail-Apple-tab-span"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">nightmaresfilmfest@gmail.com</span></a></div>
BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-91543866726218402019-03-27T09:54:00.001-04:002019-03-27T09:54:30.936-04:00Ugh, We're sorry. AGAIN.OK, Kids, I know it's been FOREVER since there's been an update but we've had to make some changes.<br />
<br />
Andy is no longer with us, unfortunately. Not permanently, not
forever, and he may give us a guest spot from time to time but his job
is booming, at the moment, and he just doesn't have the time to spend
with us that he used to have. We wish him all the luck and love in the
world.<br />
<br />
I, on the other hand, have had the year from Hell, and what with one crisis or another, have j<span class="text_exposed_show">ust
not had the energy to give to you. I really wish I did, and I really
wish that this year hadn't just halted me in my tracks, but it did and
my brain thanks you for being understanding.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
I'll be taking over our Producer duties (heehee... duty) for the
foreseeable future and it'll just be RC and I until we find a suitable
and compatible co-host. (Local folks that want to join us can see me
about an interview.)<br />
<br />
We're not looking to make huge changes, but
we do want to put a little more into marketing materials so that,
y'know, you guys actually get your money's worth here and in Patreon.
We're well aware that the Discord bennies are bullshit.<br />
<br />
We ALSO
want to take the show on the road from time to time. We're discussing
trips to, say, HorrorHound in Indy and a repeat of Nightmares, so all
the assistance you give is super-helpful, there. But, we've also
upgraded some equipment and made sure that our presence is visible at
these events so folks know where to find us.<br />
<br />
Anyway, we're coming
back. Our schedule for the next month is:<br />
<br />
April 3rd: Clowntergeist (Available on Amazon Prime)<br />
<br />
April
10th: Little Shop of Horrors (1986 version, not the original.
Available for rent on iTunes, VUDU, or Google Play. Yeah, I've wanted<span class="text_exposed_show"> to do this for a while. It will not be a musical episode because I said so.)</span><br />
<br />
April 17th: Under the Shadows (Netflix)<br />
<br />
April 24th: The Rake (Amazon Prime)<br />
<br />
I know. I'm scared, too.<br />
<br />
But, seriously. THANK YOU for your support and for being a part of our story. Without you, we wouldn't be here.<br />
<br />
We still love you, unconditionally.<br />
<br />
Except you, Chuck. You know what you did.</div>
BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-37660263846580366112018-10-12T07:57:00.001-04:002018-10-12T07:58:38.015-04:00UPDATE! I KNOW, RIGHT?!?Hey, all!
I know the writing has been sparse here, lately, as we focus on the Podcast, but I do, at least, want to start using this page as updates for that piece (and maybe still throw in a review from time to time).<br />
<br />
That said, I just want to announce that there will be no episode next week because we're podcasting FROM <a href="https://www.nightmaresfest.com/">NIGHTMARES FILM FESTIVAL</a> starting on Thursday, 10/18/2018!<br />
<br />
We'll have mini recap episodes posted every day, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/CandyCoatedRazorBlades/">live Facebook feeds</a> throughout the weekend with, hopefully, interviews with some of the directors, writers, and stars of these awesome films, a WHOLE lot of flirting with Jason Tostevin, the devilishly handsome maniac behind the festival, swag updates (because who doesn't like movie stuff?), and a big wrap-up on Sunday. (Which might, possibly, not go out until Monday, but this is our first time. Be gentle.)<br />
<br />
LET'S GET SCREAMING!BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-90494849863826761602018-05-10T08:06:00.000-04:002018-10-12T08:00:42.641-04:00Importance...Hey, kids!<br />
<br />
I'm still with you and I hope you're enjoying the podcast! Sorry I haven't written a lot lately. Tons of irons in the fire, as it were. I just had a moment with someone on Facebook and I thought I'd share.<br />
<br />
A person wrote in a horror forum I belong to that "everything is misogynistic these days" in response to the original post about someone's lesbian co-worker saying that he shouldn't enjoy horror movies because they're all misogynistic.<br />
<br />
Now, first off, people have been saying this since the Women's Rights movement began (and, really, way before then, because it's true that horror movies tend toward the sexist due to their primary demographic being young men) but things are changing, particularly since the advent of the Final Girl trope, but when I pointed this out to him, his response was "Makes my point no less valid."<br />
<br />
My response at that point went as follows:<br />
<br />
"I mean, saying that something is misogynistic isn't automatically false, either. There's a LOT of anti-feminist material in horror movies even to this day and we do have to recognize that women, even though they make up the larger half of the population, are still mistreated.<br />
<br />
Is EVERYTHING about horror misogynistic? Absolutely not. Should we recognize and call out misogynistic cinema and work to change it? 100% yes. If we can call out homophobic, transphobic, or racist material, we should be doing the same for women.<br />
<br />
For example, the gay-themed slasher Hellbent. Hellbent contains a scene in which a character is beheaded ON A CROWDED DANCE FLOOR AND NO ONE REACTS TO IT, which displays gay people as shallow, narcissistic, puppets that don't pay attention to the world around them. I don't want that kind of representation, do you?<br />
<br />
I'm not saying "Write me Mary Sue Horror" at all, just make things believable. Write in misogynistic characters but write women strong enough to see those characters either quake in their boots or learn how NOT to be misogynistic. Write in misogynistic situations but then let women side-step or confront those situations in a positive way. Write LGBTQIA characters as actual people and not caricatures of themselves and, for fuck's sake, stop giving me AIDS-era tragedy porn.<br />
<br />
We can make better and more positive cinema happen. We just have to make sure that problematic subject matter is written well and handled appropriately."<br />
<br />
ANYWAY, kids! Reach out to us! Let us know what you like and what you don't like about the podcast and continue to like, subscribe, rate and review the podcast so that we can TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND INSTITUTE CTHULHU-CULT-LIKE MADNESS! BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-66696818596108679822017-09-29T10:04:00.004-04:002017-09-29T10:04:55.603-04:00ExpansionWHEW!<br />
<br />
Having multiple irons in the fire is ROUGH!<br />
<br />
I'll get back to writing reviews, I swear. I'm just trying to get into a groove with <a href="http://www.candycoatedrazor.com/p/blog-page_28.html">the Podcast.</a><br />
<br />
I have not forsaken you! <br />
<br />
In the meantime, though, please feel free to like, subscribe, rate, review and all of that other stuff that makes a podcast happy!<br />
<br />
Thanks! BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-17275305901905580342017-09-18T16:01:00.000-04:002017-09-18T16:01:10.443-04:00An Apology.It's come to my attention that the "Transgender nun" comment made during the trailer portion of the <i>It</i> podcast was offensive. <br />
<br />
The villain of <i>Insidious</i> 2 was not transgender. He was an abuse victim, forced to live as a female, and could not break the cycle of abuse which is why he was the villain of the piece. This is akin to Dorian Gray and Buffalo Bill and we no longer wish to portray members of the LGBTQIA community as abused, unstable, or deranged as we feel that this can and does lead to violence against us. While we recognize the "Depraved Homosexual/Murderous Transsexual" trope exists, we do not wish to further it. James Wan should have known better than to use the trope.<br />
<br />
The comment (while, at the time, we felt it was an accurate descriptor, it wasn't) was not intended to harm and we now know that it is inappropriate as it is misrepresentative of our trans brothers and sisters.<br />
<br />
Please forgive us. We can do better.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-60776056996301309832017-09-07T09:46:00.002-04:002017-09-07T09:46:44.614-04:00But, What if I Don't WANT To Float?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJiUvGc-P6s6Lk8ywgZ7Mj2jmslYSg3yO4hlj4XkLnTSDTCzgQL6gmz16F7r4S5G3KDCTBaW7u3xU355ssLGiOhca6cmbIdCr2dsTr_eo-s6OvL1P7hSDYplNb1XBePBNhcI38DG_ewKhu/s1600/IT-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1050" data-original-width="761" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJiUvGc-P6s6Lk8ywgZ7Mj2jmslYSg3yO4hlj4XkLnTSDTCzgQL6gmz16F7r4S5G3KDCTBaW7u3xU355ssLGiOhca6cmbIdCr2dsTr_eo-s6OvL1P7hSDYplNb1XBePBNhcI38DG_ewKhu/s320/IT-1.jpg" width="231" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
You thought I was gonna write a review, didn't you?<br />
<br />
*NELSON MUNTZ LAUGH*<br />
<br />
No. You're not getting a review right yet. Next Wednesday, though, <a href="https://candycoatedrazor.podiant.co/">the podcast</a> is gonna be FUN! <br />
<br />
At least, that's the plan.<br />
<br />
See ya then.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-33644725393996558142017-09-03T23:07:00.001-04:002017-09-03T23:07:43.153-04:00What Did I Fucking Tell You About Children?"Oh, hey! How ya doin'? Podcasting is going well. Work is fine. How's the wife and kids?<br />
<br />
Oh, your stepson is the Antichrist. That's fun to know. I'll, aaaahhhh... I'll be over here. Not pointedly laughing at the horrible birthday clown who IS NOW ON FIRE, WHAT THE SHIT, MAN?!?"<br />
<br />
And THAT'S the conversation I would be having with Adam Scott in the new Netflix piece, <i>Little Evil</i>, which wins absolutely no awards for having such a douchey name but it's still kinda fun, should I have gone into acting like I always wanted but my lack of any drive whatsoever kept me from pursuing, except I'm ALL ABOUT the casting couch because I am a sex-positive person and if a blowjob is gonna get me some choice parts, I swallow, thanks. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXMBV7nrVgclE8Xh1DolBywJzkI_XNMenL7g7BoAur5gebeN9yyVMzF_s96JOTtP0XB-88lb7cx7rWxeWhJ1OnfsStBi3o1TB58YZZJ4xZc8g82B8sP-6Grd8R3oVoKfU7iY5B0nQO-ya3/s1600/LilEvil1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="888" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXMBV7nrVgclE8Xh1DolBywJzkI_XNMenL7g7BoAur5gebeN9yyVMzF_s96JOTtP0XB-88lb7cx7rWxeWhJ1OnfsStBi3o1TB58YZZJ4xZc8g82B8sP-6Grd8R3oVoKfU7iY5B0nQO-ya3/s320/LilEvil1.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
So, Adam Scott is playing Gary. New stepdad to Lucas, the titular Little Evil, and new husband to Samantha (Evangeline Lilly) who is adorable and lonely and clueless. She's really not a helicopter mom but she watches out for her boy. Her boy who was conceived during a cult ritual and she fucking knew it, so her son being the actual Antichrist really shouldn't have come as such a shock to her but, y'know... here we are.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioEQ3usXXO3vzs3KSoem0M7wNdKyGskRQap9p7e3HXuqBgz_Dts-WNq_acQW-LMFBbTwqJvd0d6ZzqY0-ENtY4xIUOdLAjXTEFlE9nzsMsI9n5OrSCQ3oIuHFs6RXyZsrtgY2bIhYPGUxK/s1600/LilEvil3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioEQ3usXXO3vzs3KSoem0M7wNdKyGskRQap9p7e3HXuqBgz_Dts-WNq_acQW-LMFBbTwqJvd0d6ZzqY0-ENtY4xIUOdLAjXTEFlE9nzsMsI9n5OrSCQ3oIuHFs6RXyZsrtgY2bIhYPGUxK/s320/LilEvil3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awww, lookaher... All smiles and adorableness... and stupidity...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Gary, of course, being the stepdad, just wants to be a good guy. Soapbox derby cars, ice cream, the works. The kid, on the other hand, has some fuckin' issues. The most pressing, of course, being that he is literally the spawn of Satan, begat via creepy reverend (Clancy Brown) who moves into town to harvest the goddamn crop. Gary, meanwhile, is showing this dude property, none the wiser. He's ALSO getting calls from the wedding videographer who, while taping the ACTUAL FUCKING TORNADO THAT DESTROYED THE WEDDING GROUNDS, noticed that Lucas was untouched by winds that have been known to pick up and toss around cows and trains.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTFVOe6FRp4M8VydQYYbWZ8ViJ_jjAo71bg59Ijv42UIQgp-ykR05aFTx5rVU-d081pMWfxO8yPr6f0BLluoNfGDi-vPwgzN_n_2dfY-FAcSqd2S5VY-aQrNB5kfCzlnWkJMOTfFn9piYt/s1600/LilEvil5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="430" data-original-width="940" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTFVOe6FRp4M8VydQYYbWZ8ViJ_jjAo71bg59Ijv42UIQgp-ykR05aFTx5rVU-d081pMWfxO8yPr6f0BLluoNfGDi-vPwgzN_n_2dfY-FAcSqd2S5VY-aQrNB5kfCzlnWkJMOTfFn9piYt/s320/LilEvil5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yo, Damien. It's past your bedtime, buddy.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So, what does Lucas do to Gary the first day he drives him to school? Manages to get himself detention and get Gary blamed for it. Gary, who has to attend mandatory therapy and now has a Child Protective Services agent visiting (played delightfully by Sally Field). His co-worker, a male-identifying individual by the name of Al (Bridget Everett), is also part of the the group, and they form a bro-bond over the whole thing. A bond that is as tight as Octomom's pelvic floor. At least at first.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6j5CShi8UeYIFYzhkObzNvaU4Th7mrllhg4QMNdJMd-cWjfYj24RA9EeIX5omRXbq5JsnbAB_0zgxthaM4bB-uBbB3ercKMT6ukHlcq1KREWcr5haIN_IERVUqVkgX8Q0BfecKSNBJnZF/s1600/LilEvil4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="249" data-original-width="600" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6j5CShi8UeYIFYzhkObzNvaU4Th7mrllhg4QMNdJMd-cWjfYj24RA9EeIX5omRXbq5JsnbAB_0zgxthaM4bB-uBbB3ercKMT6ukHlcq1KREWcr5haIN_IERVUqVkgX8Q0BfecKSNBJnZF/s320/LilEvil4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She has a fantastic eye for sweater-vests.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Suffice it to say that Lucas is so upset at having a new daddy that he buries him alive. Literally. Called Samantha from a box under the swingset. She DUG HIM OUT. Which upsets Gary which upsets Samantha who puts Lucas in a time-out (seriously?) and proceeds to not believe Gary which almost gets divorce papers signed but flowers and a trip to the water park for Gary and Lucas are all it takes for happy families, I guess.<br />
<br />
If this SOUNDS like a set-up, that's because it is. What do we do with the
Antichrist when we find him, kids? That's RIGHT! We try to kill him. And that's when the fun REALLY starts.<br />
<br />
No, for real, kids, other than that whitewashed sack of weeaboo fangasm,
Death Note (which I'm currently in the middle of and thoroughly
hating), Netflix is putting out some good material and, while this is
not really Oscar-worthy (and come on, how much do I watch that is), it's
actually pretty good. It funny, it makes good use of its people, it's heartwarming in that "You can be whatever you want to be and I don't want to kill you, anymore" kinda way. It's actually a decent "family" horror-comedy. <br />
<br />
Give it a shot. It's cute. <br />
<br />BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-59799839669216607032017-08-28T10:41:00.001-04:002017-08-28T10:41:49.746-04:00CCRB: The Podcast!IT'S HERE!!!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.candycoatedrazor.com/p/blog-page_28.html">CCRB:The Podcast</a> is finally here!<br />
<br />
We're hoping to have episodes up weekly and we're just waiting on iTunes to approve the feed so we can get it out that way.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, enjoy our delightful conversation about Kong Cock.<br />
<br />
Nobody ever said we were classy.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-51809579557679528422017-08-03T10:09:00.001-04:002017-08-22T10:12:30.631-04:00A Momentary InterludeAs we prepare for the launch of CCRB: The Podcast...<br />
<br />
Wait, I didn't tell you about that? Yeah, that's TOTALLY gonna be a thing. Tell your friends! I'm thinking the first ep will be available in a few weeks just so we can get a head start on things.<br />
<br />
AYNWAY! As we prepare, I have taken a mild break from TROPEFEST II to start another project.<br />
<br />
MYTH-TAKES WERE MADE will be my retelling of the Greek myths. I think you'll get a kick out of it. Just because I'm SO excited about it, here's the first chapter!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>CHAOTIC NEUTRAL</b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To
tell any story properly, we must first start at the very beginning.
And our collection of tales would be absolutely incomplete if we did
not do the same.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Enter
fucking Chaos. Chaos, the Greek word for “chasm”, is the first
of the known primordial gods. He was a giant expanse of nothing
where all of the elements were jumbled up and confused and
eventually, Chaos got super-lonely, so from Chaos came Gaia, the
Earth, Tartarus, both a god AND a place, grandfather to monsters, and
Eros, the god of love…</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wait,
what? Eros came BEFORE his mom? What fuckery is this? How the hell
did this happen?</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Yeah,
it gets worse. I told you to buckle the fuck up.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So,
there they were. Earth, Hell and Love. Together at last. Fit to
make the world their bitch. And, in the meantime, Chaos just kept on
going with the spawning. Divine jizz everywhere, staining the carpet
and getting in people’s eyes. After the big three, there came
Erebus (darkness) and Nyx (night). Because nobody needed to fucking
see or anything.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And,
because no set of Greek Mythological tales would be complete without
some sweet, sweet, incest action (ick), Erebus and Nyx got bizzay and
brought into the world Aether and Hemera (light and day). Uranus and
Pontus (heaven and ocean) were the result of Gaia flicking her bean
because she’s a strong, independent, woman who don’t need no help
from no man.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Everything
went fine for a while until Uranus decided to play “ride the
bologna pony” with mom. Heaven and Earth, goin’ at it like two
pigs in a sack. All rollin’ around, destroying the landscape and
frightening little primordial whatevers. Condoms? Who needs
condoms? We don’t even know what incest IS, yet. I bet Eros
watched. Kinky fucker.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And
from all that, we got the Titans. Gigantic, ugly motherfuckers who
ruled as gods during the Golden Age and also lived on a very
climbable mountain, Mount Othrys. Since there were no actual people,
though, they didn’t get the respect they deserved. Which is to say,
none. Because they didn’t really do a hell of a lot to earn it
other than just exist.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">ANYWAY,
the first round of Titans was comprised of Mnemosyne (memory), Rhea
(fertility and motherhood), Oceanus (the sea, duh), Hyperion (the
sun/heavenly light), Coeus (rational intellect), Cronus (the harvest
and, later, time), Phoebe (irrational intellect and prophetic
wisdom), Tethys (fresh water), Iapetus (mortality), Theia (sight and
a clear, blue sky), Crius (constellations), and Themis (divine law
and order). </span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Oh,
and there’s more, because, seriously, fucking out of boredom is an
OK thing, I guess. (It totally is. I recommend it.)</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
second set was a little more genetically diverse, but not by a whole
lot. Hyperion and Theia went all horizontal and brought forth Helios
(the Sun before he got replaced by Apollo), Selene (the Moon before
that little upstart virgin, Diana, got in the way and who also went
by the name “Mene” which is where we get our word “menses”)
and Eos, the Dawn, who managed to keep her job.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">More
about all of these guys later, for sure. Even though some of them
got replaced (We’re getting to that! Hush.), they still get to
play along for cash and prizes… and babies… and kidnapped lovers…</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">SO!
Everything was all hunk-dory until Cronus got a wild hair up his ass
and said to Uranus, he said, “Dad, you totally suck because we all
know you hate your kids and you’re totally gonna be the butt (hah)
of asshole jokes for all eternity.” Which he did because not only
did Uranus father the Titans, but he and Gaia also popped out the
</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Hecatonkheires</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">,
three one-hundred-handed giants, and the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Cyclopes</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">,
one-eyed motherfuckers with a taste for flesh and, for real, who
wouldn’t feel a bit of revulsion knowing that your kids were
cannibals? I know you’re supposed to love your kids
unconditionally but there are limits to everything. Hell, there was
recently a London newspaper opinion article where a mom basically
disowned her kid for getting a tattoo. Parents can sometimes suck
out loud. Like Uranus who banished the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Hecatonkheires</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">
and </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Cyclopes</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">
to Tartarus (the place, not the dude) which was deep within the earth
(the goddess, not the place) and caused Gaia great pain. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Cronus
continued by saying “You sent the ugly kids away and I think that
it’s time someone better than you came along and took over because
you are obviously derelict in your duties as a man, a god and a
father. Eat it, dickface.” </span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And
with that, Uranus, using a sickle that Gaia had crafted especially
for this purpose, jumped his dad and castrated him. This was not
just a circumcision, folks. This was straight up removal of twig AND
berries. And, of course, Uranus didn’t survive the ordeal because
he was all kinds of “Quiverfull” creepy and he needed to leave
that poor woman and her uterus alone but spent so much of his time
dick-deep in Gaia that he didn’t know what to do now that he had no
dick. After this, he was no longer a “he”. He was just the sky,
the only thing left of him as being even remotely thought of as
human-shaped was his pants-prizes.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Cronus,
with his dad’s severed junk in his hand shouted to the world “I’M
YOUR KING NOW, eew,” and splattered Uranus’ dick blood around
while trying to shake the gore off of his hand. Thus sprang forth
the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Titanes
Theoi</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">
(“straining gods” which sounds like they’re totally the
culprits behind constipation but that just isn’t true at all). The
</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Giants</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">,
basically made up of anger and spite, the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Erinyes</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">
(The Furies), who took “basically” out of the equation (more on
them later), the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Meliae</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">,
the first tree nymphs, and the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Telchines</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">,
the fish children who were basically humans with sea lion flippers
for hands and how that made them skilled metallurgists is completely
beyond me because thumbs are a fucking thing but we have to accept
that genetic abnormalities do not make a person a failure and more
power to them. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Finally
freed of the blood, he tossed the offending genitalia into the sea
and, from this, we get Aphrodite, the goddess of love. Because OF
COURSE she’s made of something soft and wet. Apparently, sea foam
is post-mortem Uranus spunk and now you have one more reason to avoid
that beach vacation. More on Aphrodite in a bit. She’s important.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now
that his dad’s junk was safely out of his hand and Papa was
deposed, Cronus took a look at his brothers and sisters and said to
the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Hecatonkheires</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
and the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Cyclopes</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">,
“Y’know what? I don’t particularly want to look at you,
either, soooooo...,” and banished them back to Tartarus, because
fuck you, Mom/ex-girlfriend but, to be fair, he DID give them a pet,
this time, in the form of the great dragon </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Campe</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">.
</span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Cronus
and his sister, Rhea, ruled as king and queen and during their reign,
there was no need for rules and laws because everyone got along
peacefully and immorality was not even a thing, yet. People just did
the right thing. At least, until Cronus received a prophecy that
said that his own sons would overthrow him as he did with dear, old
Uranus. Once he got that news, he was all “Oh, no, fuck that”
and hatched a horrible plan.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Oh,
he went about his daily business of sticking it in Rhea and having
her give birth to the gods we all know and love (Demeter, Hestia,
Hera, Hades and Poseidon) but he just kinda sat at her cooch with his
mouth open and ate the kids as they were born. The romantic
paintings don’t show you THAT. Mostly because it’s kind of a
gross image and I’m sorry I put it into your heads. (I’m not
really sorry.)</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">BUT!
And it’s a big “but”, much like my own. BUT, Rhea still had
one more child and Gramma Gaia and Rhea hatched a cunning scheme.
Before Cronus could get all up in there during the birth of Zeus,
Rhea took a trip to Crete and gave birth to him there in secret. She
then took a stone (called the Omphalos stone, which is where we get
the term </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>omphaloskepsis</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
or “contemplating your own navel”), wrapped it in swaddling
clothes and gave it to Cronus who swallowed it whole. I mean, the
lie the rock and everything. Cronus might have been clever but he
wasn’t THAT clever and he was apparently blind. Who confuses a
rock for a baby? Come on. Now.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
story gets a little hazy, here, at least in terms of the upbringing
of Zeus. They say that he was raised by Gaia. They say that he was
raised by a goat named Amalthea while his own personal rock
band/personal guard, the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Kouretes</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">,
danced and sang so loud that Cronus couldn’t hear his cries. They
say he was raised by a nymph named Adamanthea who hid him from Cronus
by hanging him by a rope from a tree so he was between the earth, the
sea, and the sky and, thus, indetectable by Cronus, the ruler of all
three. Whichever is the real story, we don’t know and we don’t
care because that isn’t the interesting part.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
COOL part is when Zeus reached adulthood. Adulthood that somehow did
not end up warped out of control due to being raised by a goat while
hanging from a fucking basket and having to listen to musclebound
proto-Greeks get their disco on for 18 years or so. I mean, other
than that whole “I’m basically being raised for the sole purpose
of killing my father and becoming ruler of Heaven and Earth so I
guess I’m SUUUUUPER entitled to pretty much everything” thing.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Nobody
knows for sure but either Metis or Gaia handed Zeus an amphora of
Ipecac and said “Go get’im, tiger,” and sent him on his merry
way. He eased his way on down the road to Mount Orthys and met up
with dear, old Dad. That conversation was either totally “Yo, man,
I got something good for ya,” in which Cronus, who was never taught
not to take candy from strangers, just downs the emetic or “This wine
is off, kid,” and Zeus just says fuck it and disembowels Papa
causing the contents of his stomach to spring forth in reverse order,
starting with the fucking rock that he was stupid enough to swallow.
That rock was set at Pytho under Mount Parnassus as a sign to the
mortals that the new guard is here.</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Zeus
then got the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Hecatonkheires</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
and the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Cyclopes</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
freed and the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Cyclopes
</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">got
busy arming Zeus and his male siblings (Oh, hey, did I mention that
these stories are rarely feminist in nature?). Zeus got super-rad
lightning bolts, Poseidon got a trident and Hades got his helmet of
darkness. They needed all of this stuff because war was coming. A
war called the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Titanomachy</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">,
the first of all wars.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Zeus
and all of his brothers and sisters (who, apparently, fought
unarmed?) and the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Hecatonkheires</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
and the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Cyclopes
</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">waged
a war with the old gods and the Titans so vast and so widespread that
it changed the face of the planet. Zeus prevailed, though, and
confined most of the Titans in Tartarus. There are some notable
exceptions: Atlas, Epimetheus, Prometheus, Menoetius, Helios and
Oceanus. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">After
all of this, Gaia, being extremely tired of being used as a prison by
her first husband, her son/ex-boyfriend, AND her grandkid, had
finally had enough and with the advice of her therapist, gave birth
to Typhon, the father of monsters, as revenge for her children and
their unjust imprisonment. It didn’t really do a whole lot of
good, though, except for guys like me because you’re gonna hear ALL
ABOUT the monsters.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Now,
Cronus, during all of this, is not fucking dead. He fought the whole
time. We’re not quite sure where he and his PTSD ended up, though,
after the war. Some say he was imprisoned in Tartarus, too. Some say
he was locked up in Nyx’s tastefully decorated cave for eternity.
Some say he escaped to Latium and became a king and lawgiver. In none
of these stories is he ever considered a god, again. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">And,
so, with the evil ancestors defeated and those unsightly cousins
FINALLY out of the attic and co-mingling in society, because ugly
kids need fresh air and love, too, our TRUE stories begin.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-1318393674948906032017-07-22T11:20:00.001-04:002017-07-22T11:26:48.726-04:00A WOOKALAR!It's time to step into the Wayback Machine and have a jolly trip to 1980... or, rather, sometime before 1980 but it's not quite clear in which decade our "jaunt into Horror-Adjacent<i> </i>City" pick for today, <i>The Private Eyes</i> (not to be confused with the 1976 Jackie Chan flick of the same name), occurred.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnuqtfxJjS-NeDuwjlZ5xB0Vj1yal0-ZCooLmlJM1DUynNLeMOyc5q5NXj42xSvnZrAE8S4NRgno7mgjp6cn-xPgIdE8_lMYvKy96hunGLlxhrH_j6X5qrBw11tLXf3TZTotz_8yUndVrt/s1600/PI1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1091" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnuqtfxJjS-NeDuwjlZ5xB0Vj1yal0-ZCooLmlJM1DUynNLeMOyc5q5NXj42xSvnZrAE8S4NRgno7mgjp6cn-xPgIdE8_lMYvKy96hunGLlxhrH_j6X5qrBw11tLXf3TZTotz_8yUndVrt/s320/PI1.jpeg" width="218" /></a></div>
We DO know that it's in the early 20th century and we ALSO know that Inspector Winship (Don Knotts) and Doctor Tart (Tim Conway) are morons that managed to get exiled from America and are now working for Scotland Yard because that always happens to people that get expelled from their own country for being a fucking hazard to themselves and others.<br />
<br />
Seriously. Tart invented a gun that fires itself but only every hour on the hour. What the fuck use is that? Comic relief, that's what the fuck use that is now hush and let an old man reminisce.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3FLyjelL7hCMaJw7d3hMtF85624ee1aqK3xrzXYGOLVLYa3gX4A-GH7bqJneWEvrxenkA-Lg5Ia-bxgW9x9pXB2tmTfLCDsX0m9AcMSDBaEe26mu0BQhY8LRE6JDgJvJJrpEHfcRREY7/s1600/PI6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="355" data-original-width="640" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu3FLyjelL7hCMaJw7d3hMtF85624ee1aqK3xrzXYGOLVLYa3gX4A-GH7bqJneWEvrxenkA-Lg5Ia-bxgW9x9pXB2tmTfLCDsX0m9AcMSDBaEe26mu0BQhY8LRE6JDgJvJJrpEHfcRREY7/s320/PI6.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You would think that she would at LEAST wait for the opening credits...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
Winship and Tart are at the Morley Manor, a quaint English mansion, to investigate the murder of Lord and Lady Morley. Among the suspects? Their adopted daughter, a homicidal butler around whom you cannot say the actual word "murder" (Bernard Fox, best known as Dr. Bombay in <i>Bewitched</i>), creepy German head of household affairs (fans of the American remake of <i>The Grudge</i> will recognize Grace Zabriskie as Emma, a psychic dementia patient) who rules the staff with an iron fist and the quickest knee to the groin East of the Pecos, a racist portrayal of a samurai chef, stereotypical busty maid in short frilly uniform, hunchback groundskeeper with no tongue, and racist depiction of a gypsy groundskeeper.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1vF1_eAKkknywCOvv2QKCP-rOZwDpYY2TaRQcoLJrxnhxYHr5cU-6CBWmYuBB3VMTISrtWrbfe0VI1xrJqM70mXcTJBLLNB5ZxT14CmcBqI0bIOS9GrffD3c3KT6pWZP9mTVYE5rTF8NW/s1600/PI2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="308" data-original-width="550" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1vF1_eAKkknywCOvv2QKCP-rOZwDpYY2TaRQcoLJrxnhxYHr5cU-6CBWmYuBB3VMTISrtWrbfe0VI1xrJqM70mXcTJBLLNB5ZxT14CmcBqI0bIOS9GrffD3c3KT6pWZP9mTVYE5rTF8NW/s320/PI2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ready for inspection.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
This is 1980, kids. Malice-free racism was still in full swing. We're working on it. Be thankful we didn't get a legit African witch-doctor up in here.<br />
<br />
ANYWHOSAWHATZIT! This plays out pretty much like your standard Agatha Christie "<i>And Then There Were None</i>" mystery as the staff is dropping off like flies while our resident morons try to figure the whole thing out. In case you all were wondering, this type of movie is the definitive forerunner to what we now call slasher flicks which is what lands it in the "horror-adjacent" category. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPzOq6xPdKpWqyGJ5loXNL6SxUEGGzG0wpOi4qN0qzo3H84tKH7mLTjooaHUkDTM8wsZmtDjCQln4MDguLEM3PkeNucBDdkWSPALTDcm4ERdkk54kQeWfZAu90-mDL01IbOX8j1loM0LhQ/s1600/PI5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPzOq6xPdKpWqyGJ5loXNL6SxUEGGzG0wpOi4qN0qzo3H84tKH7mLTjooaHUkDTM8wsZmtDjCQln4MDguLEM3PkeNucBDdkWSPALTDcm4ERdkk54kQeWfZAu90-mDL01IbOX8j1loM0LhQ/s320/PI5.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poor Dr. Bombay.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
As for our leads, Winship is the serious one but that doesn't make him any brighter than Tart, our addlepated but lovable moron with a penchant for harboring differently-abled pigeons. Watching these two bumble their way through this mystery farce is a master class in fucking stupid. From they way they accidentally find themselves in hidden passageways to they way they fight over lighting a goddamn candle, you can smell the dumb coming from your blu-ray player. It's a strong stench but not an unpleasant one.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf7BH7a-Pq3La5sXF0oLVDhxojvtlxdf6CWlHwkpYibEJ8klcc8F7vZwhklOvFK81vxXkJbB0Cupl8bU_F_4YPuyCoGu79ckLkCHK6KqpGpgUXniB_RHxXYlv8OsDEzoc2cbPJRqvONrnT/s1600/PI3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="400" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf7BH7a-Pq3La5sXF0oLVDhxojvtlxdf6CWlHwkpYibEJ8klcc8F7vZwhklOvFK81vxXkJbB0Cupl8bU_F_4YPuyCoGu79ckLkCHK6KqpGpgUXniB_RHxXYlv8OsDEzoc2cbPJRqvONrnT/s320/PI3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why does the dumb one have A) the writing duties and B) a fucking doctorate?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I gotta say, kids, I love this movie but that probably has more to do with nostalgia than anything else because by any professional standards, this movie sucks on toast. Watching it again brought up some very nice memories of my childhood watching this kind of thing with my Mom. It's got a simple story but it's funny in that Sheckey Greene kinda way where pratfalls were king and dad-jokes reigned supreme. It's no <i>Clue</i> by any stretch of the imagination and, frankly, if we're looking for any kind of intellectualism in our horror-adjacent comedies, neither of them hold a candle to <i>Murder by Death</i>, but it's a fun way to spend a couple of spooky, but not scary, hours with the family and a bucket of popcorn.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5Ll-594q0gi4aWeFjN-VucJcTTGqRcoUCvSrQui02UMaVO-fOQmOygK04HQsm3FlPQfkq8jiT7Y878KgNUbASPZJq-00fwHaiwAbdcysI1HPHCHZoGPly_IeWAfC1qDC4UTAHWjhvXit/s1600/PI4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5Ll-594q0gi4aWeFjN-VucJcTTGqRcoUCvSrQui02UMaVO-fOQmOygK04HQsm3FlPQfkq8jiT7Y878KgNUbASPZJq-00fwHaiwAbdcysI1HPHCHZoGPly_IeWAfC1qDC4UTAHWjhvXit/s320/PI4.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You might want to ask your little kids something to distract them at around this time, though, because the "boobs are not pockets" concept is definitely a "teen" conversation.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
It does make me sad to know that this was the last movie Conway and Knotts made together (not counting a cameo in <i>Cannonball Run II</i>)<i> </i>but those two had a comedic rhythm that was unstoppable and I miss that sort of thing. I haven't seen any kind of comedy duo, lately, that compares.<br />
<br />
But, YES! I still recommend this one, preferably as part of a theme night with the aforementioned <i>Clue</i> and <i>Murder by Death</i>. Because they're all awesome in their own ways.<br />
<br />
Just beware the dreaded Wookalar.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL95gJjjxXUTbFZ9y6JY8W8PEQwFPIPxNOvWwv4-aSKQo07SvBeCz5yJcYs4kbCT2VuoYHenlUR9kF8GqlBwR2b4Zz9lxecD1Dx5vhfKXIB6QuAruS9zpSKhdRqom7IB6PboosAghyphenhyphenG4-3/s1600/PI7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="702" data-original-width="936" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL95gJjjxXUTbFZ9y6JY8W8PEQwFPIPxNOvWwv4-aSKQo07SvBeCz5yJcYs4kbCT2VuoYHenlUR9kF8GqlBwR2b4Zz9lxecD1Dx5vhfKXIB6QuAruS9zpSKhdRqom7IB6PboosAghyphenhyphenG4-3/s320/PI7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boo.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-77926370050549371592017-07-11T10:17:00.003-04:002017-07-11T10:19:09.254-04:00James Franco got paid HOW MUCH for this?HIYA!<br />
<br />
Wanna go exploring? I sure as hell don't. I don't like the outdoors at the best of times and the thought of doing something no one else has done in the great outdoors makes me want to vomit a little . Wanna know why?<br />
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Because exploring the great outdoors is one step closer to exploring outer space and, as cool as that would be, I would be the very first to get a <a href="http://www.candycoatedrazor.com/2013/04/iwannaneasteregg.html?m=0">face full of alien dick</a>. Don't get me wrong. Living in a Ridley Scott film would be awesome but I like my face and organs where they are, thanks.<br />
<br />
All of that being said, let's look at <i>Alien: Covenant</i>.<br />
<br />
So, after the events of <i>Prometheus</i>, which were never really explained to the folks on Earth, it seems, the <i>Covenant</i> is out to colonize a whole new planet and, in the process, get a radio signal from "planet number 4". Turns out it's Doctor Shaw singing old John Denver tunes all creepy-like.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN09o5KysUJUJALtXXbVlhHXYIoAqjxdFOJWL1uQmsbzma5ZDUQriJ9Bw3oZGQ1Vk8IfbfnNYZGii1kktMVeDbzcaskz8xzsfeJZBYpcyY8Zn7aSf4frX2AGkofLrgkJptw5GoQ6uaoCvN/s1600/AC5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN09o5KysUJUJALtXXbVlhHXYIoAqjxdFOJWL1uQmsbzma5ZDUQriJ9Bw3oZGQ1Vk8IfbfnNYZGii1kktMVeDbzcaskz8xzsfeJZBYpcyY8Zn7aSf4frX2AGkofLrgkJptw5GoQ6uaoCvN/s320/AC5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These people are all stupid and shouldn't be the founders of a new home planet.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Since our crew is full of cinematic morons, of COURSE they go to investigate and thus our mystery begins.<br />
<br />
Since this is super new, I'm not going to get too deep into the events because I DO recommend this film and I'm gonna tell you why. I mean, you're here, right? That's what you wanted, yes? Is good? Is good.<br />
<br />
A TON of folks went into this film thinking, "AWW, YEAH! Ridley's gonna melt our faces and we're gonna get back to the straight-up horror from Alien!" Those people are presumptuous assholes and need to sit the fuck down for a sec and really watch this movie. Because while we DO have the horror of the first film and the action of the rest, there's more to this film than meets the eye.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAQdVl_wHrwOGe_36d79V4Efu8IMhb8iZMZ85bwHJKNulc-eDVR58_Hq14vWPA0YRoKzTPfaJ6u1155RxtnqMFsdgyxPOGZ8ps4Cd5kU5JoU2zpAVv2N0-3d6dLvpRV6RYN9OfwtcAUyzd/s1600/AC2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="539" data-original-width="960" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAQdVl_wHrwOGe_36d79V4Efu8IMhb8iZMZ85bwHJKNulc-eDVR58_Hq14vWPA0YRoKzTPfaJ6u1155RxtnqMFsdgyxPOGZ8ps4Cd5kU5JoU2zpAVv2N0-3d6dLvpRV6RYN9OfwtcAUyzd/s320/AC2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not counting the things that will snatch that eye right out of your head.</td></tr>
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I'm sure you've noticed that each of the films in the <i>Alien</i> franchise has a very different feel and theme. Regardless of whether Mr. Scott envisioned any of this for his original intellectual property, each person that has come on board has brought a very different flavor of film to the series. <i>Aliens</i> went super-patriotic and blended that with a woman's need to nurture. <i>Alien 3</i> told a story about the mistreatment of prisoners. <i>Alien: Resurrection</i> went totally off the rails and gave us the horrors of genetic engineering. <i>Prometheus</i> started giving us a very religious feeling about the whole thing. What are our origins? Where do we come from? Are we part of a vast experiment?<br />
<br />
And, now, <i>Covenant</i>, where we describe our relationship with our "gods". David, our android pal from <i>Prometheus</i> has moved on. He found the Engineers' homeworld and, because he is our resident fallen angel, has displayed a decidedly antagonistic attitude about it. David is, for all intents and purposes considering that he is NOT a human being, insane. Insane and full of hate.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHIP0wJ4Ts7SnK7oHA26K9gsCLUcT8M9LelF0hcjps74YG1Ghb_xUekoQ-VENthdL4LPtdzn2S8GigfXdBAyyHi3cA8Wjp-MReEyG1ism-1kTpJPHz3KMW7Erz84dwKPEO3rXyLuVj28fp/s1600/AC4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="418" data-original-width="768" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHIP0wJ4Ts7SnK7oHA26K9gsCLUcT8M9LelF0hcjps74YG1Ghb_xUekoQ-VENthdL4LPtdzn2S8GigfXdBAyyHi3cA8Wjp-MReEyG1ism-1kTpJPHz3KMW7Erz84dwKPEO3rXyLuVj28fp/s320/AC4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And well-armed.</td></tr>
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Not only does he hate humanity for not treating him as the living thing he believes himself to be, but he hates the engineers for fucking up their own process. For not coming back and finishing the job. Because he thinks he's better suited to it than they were. He cannot create biological life on his own (see the Biblical character "Satan") so he must tinker with the life that is there. Which is why we're seeing such rapid shifts in the xenomorph biology throughout the course of the film. We go from the spores that the <i>Covenant</i> crew are infected with to the neomorphs, pale and sickly-looking, as our "natural" infection straight to the facehuggers and familiar xenomorph shape due to David's ministrations.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7YR8wkLPvlfotq4WwC21NnBAZA47DCX_po6yDOejegLN9yohSCpLEEjHZGlM9KCKX9EzKpIu7kC4Xrvu3Lu2vqcD3yaAB_8ZvmTrlD_nflfqNwmR8lXTgQLpIm7GgHBeL3PZOge1jAujX/s1600/AC8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1032" data-original-width="1600" height="206" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7YR8wkLPvlfotq4WwC21NnBAZA47DCX_po6yDOejegLN9yohSCpLEEjHZGlM9KCKX9EzKpIu7kC4Xrvu3Lu2vqcD3yaAB_8ZvmTrlD_nflfqNwmR8lXTgQLpIm7GgHBeL3PZOge1jAujX/s320/AC8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'Dorbs.</td></tr>
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So, not only is David our representation of the origin of evil but we can also throw a full-on fear of GMOs in there, too. I mean, a potato isn't scary but people seem to think that one that was bred to be heartier and maybe had it's DNA tweaked to resist fungus is. A neomorph is a bit more of an immediate threat, really.<br />
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But what I noticed in reading other reviews the most is that people didn't care for the atmosphere of the film. They didn't want it to be deep and insightful. They didn't want it to be the mystery/thriller it was. And it WAS a mystery. We kind of knew that David was shady but we didn't know what he was really doing until the end. We had to cope with a fucking "evil twin" plotline, which I'll forgive BUT JUST THIS ONCE. We needed to watch this misotheistic Machiavelli hatch his evil scheme so that we could move forward towards seeing the things we're used to.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_LvDnzv28NlvWFpllWElQkfbhoX3Cc0rNUsINDBit0aSRqAX1yrqdMFG3neVv4F1zaJEhuVJXA-_iuXetpJL9_Ywf6A2lHFBQXDuSBdL4wRm3Fv6W_aLVlsNs2OW3tTWalIIiybcYuPYB/s1600/AC3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="683" data-original-width="1024" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_LvDnzv28NlvWFpllWElQkfbhoX3Cc0rNUsINDBit0aSRqAX1yrqdMFG3neVv4F1zaJEhuVJXA-_iuXetpJL9_Ywf6A2lHFBQXDuSBdL4wRm3Fv6W_aLVlsNs2OW3tTWalIIiybcYuPYB/s320/AC3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Frankly, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I liked that it was much more nuanced than the main franchise and I like that it kept the flavor of <i>Prometheus</i> while adding the tiny twists and turns. I like that it wasn't just straight-up face-murder. I mean, it was a little predictable but when you're dealing with prequels, some of that is to be expected. I fully expect the third prequel film to have David ruling an entire planet of xenomorphs and plotting to spread them throughout the universe in an effort to rid it of all biological life or incorporate the best of all species into a single, deadly, organism, because that's how the xenomorphs work, kinda like the Borg in <i>Star Trek</i>.<br />
<br />
If you haven't seen it, do. You may not like it the way I did or see the things that I did but I like to think that a little post-horror needed to find its way in here and Ridley Scott succeeded beautifully.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-25092335125457651952017-07-03T10:26:00.003-04:002017-07-04T00:26:34.832-04:00Welp... That's All Wrapped Up...In the interest of saving my reputation as someone who watches bad movies for pleasure, I have suffered through another couple of hours of celluloid trash for you. I do this because I love you. It's for your own good, really.<br />
<br />
Today's shitheap?<br />
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<i>The Mummy (2017).</i><br />
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<i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHFkBV5gpl8rl9Ijr2FZUDEy8OTEGbaGrLyta-6kYZRBx8im8jhXm4EIGNF49YuXPu27ju5VyCQEVzdWIzBLpICvBp6r-QTYB-kf9PYQZbkdkqd1czFIArPynFmZl0PvPFbx2jMQyX9pOt/s1600/mummy1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="755" data-original-width="477" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHFkBV5gpl8rl9Ijr2FZUDEy8OTEGbaGrLyta-6kYZRBx8im8jhXm4EIGNF49YuXPu27ju5VyCQEVzdWIzBLpICvBp6r-QTYB-kf9PYQZbkdkqd1czFIArPynFmZl0PvPFbx2jMQyX9pOt/s320/mummy1.jpg" width="201" /></a></i></div>
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Because, really, we needed to take all of the humor and fun out of the Brendan Frasier 1999 version, move it to the present day, add a few new characters and references to other classic movie monsters so that audiences have "easter eggs", and gender-swap the whole thing so that it LOOKS like a whole new movie but, in all truth, it's really fucking not.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmsdhjiL0sjXf1CaLtqtUHPJO0e2xCA_AiqOSqSU2UprCGv6mpxGQmnRzd2o4UjxMvoRgnzkCUfOxOBcfdE_8V_96-CVD50g9tn8-ww30dGsrltSxthYGc3S_UBfLenES5zPbD4QtC8dpa/s1600/mummy5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="669" data-original-width="1600" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmsdhjiL0sjXf1CaLtqtUHPJO0e2xCA_AiqOSqSU2UprCGv6mpxGQmnRzd2o4UjxMvoRgnzkCUfOxOBcfdE_8V_96-CVD50g9tn8-ww30dGsrltSxthYGc3S_UBfLenES5zPbD4QtC8dpa/s320/mummy5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>That face says it all, really...</i></td></tr>
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SO, the deal is that Tom Cruise plays Nick Morton, an utter dickhead who spends his life an an antiquities thief in the military who, for real, just should have ended up incarcerated for the shenanigans he pulls with his buddy, Chris Vail (Jake Johnson), at the very beginning of the film because he deserted his unit hunting for a town that's basically named "Curse". That's even before they found the tomb that was a giant health and safety hazard because of a whole shit-ton of free-flowing mercury (which was used because it supposedly holds evil spirits at bay). We get introduced to Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis) as part of the aftermath of the drone strike that opens up the tomb. She hates Nick, too.<br />
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As we all should.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5zVsfftJd28VGDATZiShH5WDqSjGegzLQal1JEurBxOeMiIyGxh3kABHzo7oYt0Dn6zxSSfBEcRdTkHCsp5ldxWQo1QenzC-gLkUlmlC0vCQveWqSiy0VmDr6ga3alZ-Y3b3NHejQehpX/s1600/mummy6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="1360" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5zVsfftJd28VGDATZiShH5WDqSjGegzLQal1JEurBxOeMiIyGxh3kABHzo7oYt0Dn6zxSSfBEcRdTkHCsp5ldxWQo1QenzC-gLkUlmlC0vCQveWqSiy0VmDr6ga3alZ-Y3b3NHejQehpX/s320/mummy6.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>See that hole? Just fill it right the fuck back in.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Moving forward, Nick does something monumentally stupid and raises Ahmanet, our titular Mummy (Sofia Boutella)... yes, she's female, no that's not meant to be punny... unless you want it to be, I guess I can't stop you. Rude. ANYWAY, as part of this whole schtick, Nick gets saddled with the curse. The curse of Ahmanet choosing him to be her vessel for Set, who, according to people that really didn't do their fucking homework, is basically the Dark Universe's (Yes, that's what Universal is calling their remakes of their classic monster films... I don't know why their team couldn't have gone cooler but the logo is nice, I guess) Egyptian Satan. And possibly her baby-daddy because she gets ALL up in his grill a number of times throughout the film.<br />
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Yeah. Because moldering linen, missing flesh, and the ability to summon sand and vermin are so fucking hot, right now. She also kills Chris and keeps him around to haunt Nick into doing more stupid shit, a la Jack Goodman from <i>An American Werewolf in London</i>. YAY, hallucinations and what very little humor they left in the film! <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbau8gpbs9p4hgIezt4_J1kxw99uAiHvaDEftxRKjajssQ5F3m2WpT4aMHBO0jsoKVzMl2GoN1lW2nblhIDQKt5RUCHL17Z_dwRBO_Jqucv0kUv8lTQDzzLYL82NTxnsKn0F0OpLYT0MKr/s1600/mummy4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="464" data-original-width="825" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbau8gpbs9p4hgIezt4_J1kxw99uAiHvaDEftxRKjajssQ5F3m2WpT4aMHBO0jsoKVzMl2GoN1lW2nblhIDQKt5RUCHL17Z_dwRBO_Jqucv0kUv8lTQDzzLYL82NTxnsKn0F0OpLYT0MKr/s320/mummy4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>And double irises. Thus confounding cosplayers FOREVER!</i></td></tr>
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We also get introduced to Prodigium. A secret society, led by Dr. Jekyll (Yes, that Dr. Jekyll and portrayed by the always UNFH-worthy Russell Crowe... seriously, that man can wreck every inch of it, for real. Call me, Russell. Call me.) that exists to hunt supernatural threats. Because of COURSE it does. It's absolutely amazing that these things can cause such massive amounts of property damage and loss of life that no one knows they even exist. These folks must have some Men in Black level memory-erasing bullshit to deal with every fucking window in London being broken down into sand and flung willy-nilly, blinding and choking the entire fucking city.<br />
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So, yeah. This movie got pretty much nothing but negative reviews from everybody most fucking deservedly because it's in that grey area between Action and Horror that nobody likes or wants. As an action film, it was middle of the road. As a horror film, it was not enough. Just because you throw in a soul-sucking dead thing who can create more dead things to follow her command and her goal is to stab Tom Cruise (which... seriously? I'm down) making him the living embodiment of fucking DEATH, does not mean you have a horror movie and, listen right the fuck up, Universal, these ARE horror movies. Stop fucking pandering to the lowest common denominator and fucking scare us. I know you can. You've done it before.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhWGdgqi8XI-1JjEhixjumXvqmJczwCIN_88-FlID0xg_xxknDMkXoR_lAxDfJ5HMn9LISSYzv6d0HA0mEVluJz6Q7z4oRKkOcZJ1g1mprGyNJBsPs53jI-1_CDlidUGA2aVz7yjWP9CNu/s1600/mummy7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhWGdgqi8XI-1JjEhixjumXvqmJczwCIN_88-FlID0xg_xxknDMkXoR_lAxDfJ5HMn9LISSYzv6d0HA0mEVluJz6Q7z4oRKkOcZJ1g1mprGyNJBsPs53jI-1_CDlidUGA2aVz7yjWP9CNu/s320/mummy7.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Oh, look. Evil fan service. Her lack of nipples is disturbing.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For me, I didn't hate it. It's not a great use of your time. You COULD be volunteering somewhere or walking with children in nature but if you feel the need to spend a few bucks and get out of the Summer heat, you could do much worse.<br />
<br />
But, I didn't fucking like it, either. I am not a fan of making the utterly devoid of human compassion jerkface the main protagonist (and this is brought up a few times without any tangible glimpses of redemption on the part of Nick). I don't like that they took what could be a very strong female character and made her simper at the man who saved her life for the remainder of the film. I don't like that they took the villain and made HER simper at the man she wants to turn into a god. She HAD the power. She didn't HAVE to do anything but wreck shit and rule Egypt for fucking ever (and, y'know, pay Set back for his part of the bargain). But, no. Let's take a being that can literally sand blast the pyramids to dust and make her vulnerable to a fucking poison dart so we can entomb her alive for 5000 years to come back to wave her decrepit genitals at Tom Cruise, The Tiniest Scientologist.<br />
<br />
I'm not going to say that you should skip this one. There ARE elements of this movie that I enjoyed greatly. There are a metric ass-ton of Easter eggs that it's fun to watch for (like the Book of the Dead from the Frasier flicks popping up and all sorts of delicious nasties in glass jars). The special effects are decent and I actually really liked Sofia Boutella's performance. I liked that they basically gender-swapped the entire story. I liked Russell Crowe in a well-tailored suit, and WHO DOESN'T?!? None of these things make up for a lackluster story with too many extraneous elements and a complete lack of judgement when it comes to time and distance.<br />
<br />
It's not good, it's not bad. It's just meh. Bland. Not necessarily boring. But bland. Salt required.<br />
<br />
And I SWEAR TO GREAT BLOGATHOTEP, IF YOU WRECKED MY CHANCES AT A REMAKE OF <i>CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON</i>, TOM CRUISE, I WILL ENSURE THAT YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE REGRETTING THAT YOU SIGNED ONTO THIS PICTURE!! Seriously, bitch. Run.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-79089353998604733052017-06-23T09:32:00.003-04:002017-06-23T09:32:59.901-04:00Updates and such...Hey, kids! <br />
<br />
I'm still here. I'm still watching horrible movies but my life has been upheave-eth-ed again and I had to take a little break while I continue to write TROPEFEST 2. Hopefully things will calm the fuck down again so I can concentrate.<br />
<br />
I miss you!<br />
<br />
Uncle BobBobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-15502579110044051102017-06-06T10:33:00.002-04:002017-06-06T10:34:10.469-04:00Haunters Against HateI know it's early, yet, but Halloween season is coming up soon and I thought I would spread around some good news.<br />
<br />
Because of the Pulse massacre in Orlando, many folks exhibited, shall we say, less than polite reactions to the slaughter of 50 LGBT Americans to the tune of "Let's give everybody guns so they can wipe out the rest of the faggots."<br />
<br />
A group of haunted houses/SFX artists/actors/graphic artists/etc. have banded together in the Ohio Valley to stand against this hate. Because we all know that hate, in any form, is wrong and it really is the scariest thing of all.<br />
<br />
They call themselves Haunters Against Hate and they straight up asked the Ohio Valley Haunts Review team to stop coming to their haunts because of their remarks.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw9x2cJHKWBJUZeQJxf-5bENAPJcBKlIj6HDguH7hL5uT_GvvmNyE4c-iDlSVUGiHIG1LXsaja8XdChq7ZOLvcF49R9ejxLxWUAI9U0o0srJ9zBbzyQfap7-3sMC0W7XPqrB___IiJeSjS/s1600/HaH.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="476" data-original-width="419" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw9x2cJHKWBJUZeQJxf-5bENAPJcBKlIj6HDguH7hL5uT_GvvmNyE4c-iDlSVUGiHIG1LXsaja8XdChq7ZOLvcF49R9ejxLxWUAI9U0o0srJ9zBbzyQfap7-3sMC0W7XPqrB___IiJeSjS/s320/HaH.jpg" width="281" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apply cold water directly to that burn.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
I fully support this organization and, frankly, will help them in whatever they do. They are heroes in a country where hate crimes are on the rise (fuck you, Trump... you AND your campaign trail stochastic terrorism).<br />
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Check them out. Buy a t-shirt. Attend their haunts. Do some good and have a spooky good time doing it.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-81447915361343015972017-05-30T22:05:00.000-04:002017-05-31T18:19:46.920-04:00The World’s Biggest Trigger Warning<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This
title is not a joke. This post is without pictures for a reason. If discussion of rape in fiction, or in
general, upsets you due to personal reasons, I do not blame you for
an instant and would much rather you skip this chapter than find
yourself in an uncomfortable situation. This chapter will be as
snarkless as I can make it because when it comes to this subject, I.
Do. Not. Play.* </span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Barring
murder, which is a crime that really won’t go unreported for long,
rape is probably number two on our list of heinous things that human
beings can, and sadly will, do to one another. Rape statistics,
though, can be wildly misleading depending on the country one is in.
Inconsistent definitions of rape can take 0.2 reported instances per
100,000 people in Azerbaijan to a whopping 132.4 per 100,000
reporting rape in South Africa (oddly, one of the countries with very
progressive laws regarding rape in several circumstances which came
about due to local superstitions claiming that having unprotected sex
with a virgin will cure AIDS which caused grown-ass men to rape
BABIES, sick motherfuckers).</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It
is a supremely under-reported crime and this is what makes people
think that it isn’t actually a problem. Statistics can’t even
really be considered accurate because there are SO many reasons why it
will go unreported. Fear of retaliation. Not wanting to get the
offender in trouble (Wait, what?). Unsure if a crime was actually
committed or if the local laws will consider it rape (many countries
will only recognize “male-female” rape and almost NO studies have
been performed in regards to “female-female” or “male-male”).
Not wanting others to know because of shame and stigma. A lack of
trust in local law enforcement. Not knowing HOW to report the crime.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And,
as a big detractor. in many countries, a person who reports rape but
cannot prove it will suffer criminal penalties themselves (alongside
those countries where extramarital sex has its own set of
punishments, thanks, self-righteous Abrahamic religions). In Africa,
several countries have laws that institute the death penalty for
consensual sodomy so if a victim cannot prove, without a shadow of a
doubt, that they were raped and not a willing participant, guess
who’s on the chopping block?</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
statistics I found in regards to the US
(<a href="https://www.ncjrs.gov/app/publications/abstract.aspx?ID=240972">https://www.ncjrs.gov/app/publications/abstract.aspx?ID=240972</a>)
can also vary based on the circumstances of the incident. Was the
victim forcibly raped? Was the victim drugged against their will?
Was the victim otherwise inebriated or incapacitated? Was the act
violent or coerced? Those statistics tell us that nearly 20% of
women in the US (and 11.5 percent of women in college) have been
raped based on surveys and only 16% of those crimes were reported to
law enforcement.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Keep
in mind that I am deliberately </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">mostly
</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">sticking
to figures regarding women, here. This is because there is one trope
used in several kinds of fiction that disturbs me on a number of
levels. The child born of rape.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We
all know that rape is often written into a fictional work as a
power-play. It’s mostly (read “99.9999999% of the time)
unnecessary but can provide tension and a cause for a rape-revenge
scenario. In works by female artists, it’s </span></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">used as</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">
a cathartic move. In works by men, it can be either sympathetic,
created out of solidarity toward women, or just a sick fantasy.
</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">(Seriously,
this is the one kink I will actively shame someone for. Yes, I get
that it’s impossible to rape someone who refuses to withhold
permission but there are going to be those times when you say no and
if people don’t expect it, there’s gonna be a problem.) </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A
lot of times, particularly in bad Mary Sue fanfiction and despite
what some politicians would have you believe regarding the human
female’s ability to “shut down” a pregnancy, that fantasy
extends to a child born of a violent and unnecessary union.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As
a sub-trope, though, the child of rape can bring us to some
interesting places. </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Most
often because the child of rape is largely portrayed as the
evilest evil thing that ever eviled evilly.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We
all know that marital rape is actually a new concept and even serial
killers don’t always have horrible childhoods so we know that "rape children are evil"
REALLY isn’t true. Thing is, though, it does provide a
thought-provoking facet to an otherwise two-dimensional character’s
life, </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">whether
the victim or the child. </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">In
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Night
of the Demon</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">,
a girl is raped by Bigfoot and bears his child. Even the Final Girl
isn’t immune, as seen in </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>The
Prey</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">.
</span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In
terms of just the children, though, o</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">n
the </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">heroic</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">
side, we have those characters that are wholesome and good despite
their parentage. Of course, on that same side, we have the character
that wants to white knight for their wronged mother and slaughter the
son of a bitch that hurt her. And, on the other hand, we’ve got the
villains.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Oh,
yes, the villains.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
ones who kill for fun. The ones whose parents treated them as if
they were a curse. The neglected and abused children who, through no
fault of their own, get back-handedly blamed for the crime committed
against their mother and grow up believing that they are monsters so they act like it.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We
all know that Freddy Krueger (</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>A
Nightmare on Elm St</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">)
was called “The bastard son of 100 maniacs”. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">The
deformed murderer in Dario Argento’s </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Phenomena</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
is a product of such a union. The killer from </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Cherry
Falls</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
was the child of a woman that the local police chief (and father of
our Final Girl) and his jock buddies decided to “have a little fun
with”. Eleanor from </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Byzantium</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">,
while not technically a villain, is still a vampire. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">In
rare cases, because fiction usually assumes that a rapist is male, the child is the result of the mother raping the father,
such as </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>La
Morte D’Arthur</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
where Mordred is the result of Arthur being tricked into getting
Morgan Le Fey pregnant and in </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Black
Christmas</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
where jaundiced and </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">yellow-eyed
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Agnes
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">was
conceived in much the same way. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">It
may not be right to almost celebrate rape with the enjoyment of these
characters but their origin does give you something to think about no
matter how bad the rest of the movie is. Would they be different if
their parentage was legitimate? What if they ended up being adopted
and lovingly cared for? Are characters like this written as a subtle
means of promoting a pro-choice message? Why did the creator imagine
them with this particular origin?</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">I
mean, I get it but of all of the different means of becoming a
villain, why is rape kind of a go-to? Why does an innocent child
have to be written with that stigma. Is the pathos worth it? If the
writing is well-handled and the actor doesn’t go off the rails with
it, sure. As long as it’s not a cheap shot to the nuts, go for it.
If the rape itself is treated with the respect an actual crime is
due then, by all means, give us the goods. </span></span></span>
</div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Just
don’t sell us on a crappy character with this background being shitty based solely on the shittiness of their conception.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> *If you are a victim of sexual assault and need someone to talk to,
please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or
use their online chat at <a href="https://ohl.rainn.org/online/">https://ohl.rainn.org/online/</a>.
</span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Hell,
I can be reached on Facebook and Twitter if necessary.*</span></span> </span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-59941641849409592022017-05-21T09:57:00.000-04:002017-05-21T22:56:28.928-04:00You In Danger...AT LONG LAST! I have seen the brilliance that is <i>Get Out</i> and I have things to say. Things that may seem like I didn't like it. Things that may seem as if I'm tearing down this utterly fantastic film.<br />
<br />
Are you new here?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhncFmx0de2Cu5lg0iiZTRVJZIxsOG3YWKUzRM1WQyKpZ6XIXOA5GTLMU360FDv5FaRcFl0Qghqm9aO7qNHQ5kNtE3uA6BzEpo_ZzxPsWrHG0bnzbJ_2yRwGyDalU7IP87JxrRUZ2lYc-Hh/s1600/GO1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhncFmx0de2Cu5lg0iiZTRVJZIxsOG3YWKUzRM1WQyKpZ6XIXOA5GTLMU360FDv5FaRcFl0Qghqm9aO7qNHQ5kNtE3uA6BzEpo_ZzxPsWrHG0bnzbJ_2yRwGyDalU7IP87JxrRUZ2lYc-Hh/s320/GO1.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
All strapped into your comfy chairs? Are you ready for this?<br />
<br />
Let's begin.<br />
<br />
So, I'm sure you've heard all about Jordan Peele's horrific vision of the face of modern racism. Even if you only saw the commercials, you got the gist of what was happening. Interracial couple goes home to get the black boyfriend introduced to the parents. You expect the sobbing and the wailing and the gnashing of teeth all <i>Guess who's Coming to Dinner</i> style, right? The girlfriend being super-positive and "They're gonna love you!" while our guy, played with a sassy smirk throughout the whole film by Daniel Kaluuya, is all "But... I'm black. You told them, right? They know what's coming, right?"<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1f_f8RVIu3ZodG9mtYMj9fa0r-Q0ANWfNSaCh7hvzdRSWz9X6XUxuXwXi4AB3jdNcpGfZa_MDX1pULsyVMS7KaEmUwhG0rTx_7-WXuqJ-iyUX6ZVP8kTtJn21uBPtDuY2Ii8gacf5tFRV/s1600/GO4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1f_f8RVIu3ZodG9mtYMj9fa0r-Q0ANWfNSaCh7hvzdRSWz9X6XUxuXwXi4AB3jdNcpGfZa_MDX1pULsyVMS7KaEmUwhG0rTx_7-WXuqJ-iyUX6ZVP8kTtJn21uBPtDuY2Ii8gacf5tFRV/s1600/GO4.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The 'Rents are looking particularly white, today.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
They DO hit a deer and get racially profiled on the way there and that freaks our hero out, but otherwise the trip to the house is uneventful.<br />
<br />
I'm going to do my best to not spoil this but it gets SUPER-weird from here on out.<br />
<br />
So, Dad is a neurosurgeon and Mom is a licensed hypnotherapist who REALLY likes her tea. She has that same cup in her hand throughout the whole movie, kinda like Sharon Stone in <i>Catwoman</i> but without the booze and smug satisfaction of doing a film for the sole purpose of buying a pool. Sharon was the best part of that movie (which I love for its utter horribleness). I didn't realize you could actually get paid in highballs. BOOZE, kids! The great motivator.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdf9QsKPcKUZRTPHSZsmIDs4smpiv3Z1pEFMX9kAAsidkfRaCZ8cGAXQZWKz5PhnA_e-kk6b1PWTzVeaIhgXOK2o78qgXy6-emNqd680kJiUbLVAw0S55KyD61Zu3r0g0SW_l2hKJv-cVS/s1600/GO5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdf9QsKPcKUZRTPHSZsmIDs4smpiv3Z1pEFMX9kAAsidkfRaCZ8cGAXQZWKz5PhnA_e-kk6b1PWTzVeaIhgXOK2o78qgXy6-emNqd680kJiUbLVAw0S55KyD61Zu3r0g0SW_l2hKJv-cVS/s320/GO5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awwww... he looks so proud of his new token *ahem* potential son in law.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
There's a party but that's almost not the important part. The important part is MOM IS A GODDAMNED HYPNOTIST! And she's SHADY about it. Like, doing it without you realizing it until it's too late. But at least he can quit smoking, so, bonus, I guess.<br />
<br />
Oh, and did I mention the Stepford servants? The ones they say are just like family? Yeah... hold that thought. You'll need it at the end.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgidsC-Jyj97bBA2tsoGv0c_oq_JXVSjPYtQxisXXG4l_CP6KXnQWhpJDsVmfQk8SkxTvgbIBpiy6hkfMe5LqhPmOEz8jjEY-UtkLtq7L9zjKheYKVwW8DQMXWPHzYPYljFWxpmvxWemJjH/s1600/GO3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgidsC-Jyj97bBA2tsoGv0c_oq_JXVSjPYtQxisXXG4l_CP6KXnQWhpJDsVmfQk8SkxTvgbIBpiy6hkfMe5LqhPmOEz8jjEY-UtkLtq7L9zjKheYKVwW8DQMXWPHzYPYljFWxpmvxWemJjH/s320/GO3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Why, no, I didn't make a concerted effort to strand you in Upstate New York with the rich, white folks at ALL!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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There's a twist. It's a BIG twist. A twist so audacious, you don't even see it coming until it fucking steamrolls you into a popcorn-filled pancake. A twist that, had it been used in ANY other manner, would have earned Jordan Peele every Razzie in existence. <br />
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First of all, let me say this. Holy. Fuck. This is fucking AMAZING!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhIMVcXL005BHTHPLM4q79H4jv-Jh0w2PLjwkGMEalYXZhQH5d-Q6t3aZ4iUPe36cOMhwBNmW8T2Uv-xqQ-YRgjwnfumoDC1_QIof1pq_xthjjyx_y_v6B-1FcAHvijGryqSo360GFD2aD/s1600/GO6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhIMVcXL005BHTHPLM4q79H4jv-Jh0w2PLjwkGMEalYXZhQH5d-Q6t3aZ4iUPe36cOMhwBNmW8T2Uv-xqQ-YRgjwnfumoDC1_QIof1pq_xthjjyx_y_v6B-1FcAHvijGryqSo360GFD2aD/s1600/GO6.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not as amazing as this guy. I hate cardio.</td></tr>
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This, kids, in the guise of a horror film with some deep comedic roots that knows when to dial back the silly, is "cultural appropriation" writ large and in fucking charge. The line is obliterated at "appropriation" and sends you screaming straight into cultural PILLAGING. When you watch the trailers, you think this is all about some kinda slavery thing or some way of forcing the black man into assimilating into white society but it's so much fucking worse than that.<br />
<br />
See, these people LIKE African-Americans. Like, a LOT. They want to know and understand their culture. They think that hanging out with "the coloreds" is cool and they're INCREDIBLY impressed with their physical superiority.<br />
<br />
Wait, whut? They did this because white men can't jump and black don't crack? THAT'S what they got out of repeated viewings of <i>Roots</i>? Fuck, Peele, you went in DEEP.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg64STAT2ikkdLHPhYjHtfkXYTjwW4-e8_kgJ4hFZad1S8PlYtDZfBmuvACmUltwU8_QudjzbMJkkY3vVYhPyJ-y96ZjnTsY3bMyMOLTK_nNAXbd7CHZlRWgXqhoZGVtp1UFULpiJyDz4aV/s1600/GO2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg64STAT2ikkdLHPhYjHtfkXYTjwW4-e8_kgJ4hFZad1S8PlYtDZfBmuvACmUltwU8_QudjzbMJkkY3vVYhPyJ-y96ZjnTsY3bMyMOLTK_nNAXbd7CHZlRWgXqhoZGVtp1UFULpiJyDz4aV/s1600/GO2.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You hurt my feelings, man...</td></tr>
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<br />
ANYWAY! There are times, watching this film, that made it hard to remember I was watching a horror movie. That's good. I complain about being lulled into a false sense of security but it obviously works or filmmakers wouldn't keep doing it. In this case, you almost expect this to go off-track into a <i>Key and Peele</i> sketch but it doesn't. Those little detours are what make the actual horror pieces slap you right in the goddamn nuts and say "PAY ATTENTION!"<br />
<br />
And pay attention you fucking should because this is, to date, the most culturally significant horror film, in regards to race relations, to come along since <i>Night of the Living Dead</i>. Socially CONSCIOUS horror is a fantastic thing and this one gets the job DONE.<br />
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Go. Watch. Now.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-10356084695098277802017-05-20T10:24:00.000-04:002017-05-20T10:24:44.348-04:00The Road To My 15 Minutes... maybe...SO! I've done some stuff, as you know (*ahembuyTROPEFESTahem*) and, in the process I've been getting around and, y'know, TALKING about TROPEFEST as if it were an earth-shattering revelation.<br />
<br />
And, people actually wanted to hear about it! Check out the first two, of, I hope, many interviews about myself, my writing and the book itself!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIWKVCMnVUsshhw9TzjJnM8Gtv4ehuebnicSQGjWZua48B1sTOlGyzUY8H88oavy0_WKV8GD6pbgmimDbP-cZaLzcllc2sXlIKHX_2wmM01bvriLXnSazcqGr6BktyawMzrmfKuw44COrB/s1600/3d+template+of+Tropfest+Bob++Green.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIWKVCMnVUsshhw9TzjJnM8Gtv4ehuebnicSQGjWZua48B1sTOlGyzUY8H88oavy0_WKV8GD6pbgmimDbP-cZaLzcllc2sXlIKHX_2wmM01bvriLXnSazcqGr6BktyawMzrmfKuw44COrB/s320/3d+template+of+Tropfest+Bob++Green.png" width="233" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1520784511">Available on Amazon!</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
<a href="https://anniesbookstopworcester.wordpress.com/2017/05/19/spotlight-bob-green-and-tropefest/">First up, Annie's Book Stop of Worcester, MA!</a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://norajones20524684.wixsite.com/familiarus-4684/author-spotlight">And second, fellow author, Nora Jones!</a><br />
<br />
I had a LOAD of fun with these and I'm hoping you enjoy them, too. If you know anyone who wants to ask me stuff, send 'em on over. bob@candycoatedrazor.com<br />
<br />BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-14670755921690403042017-05-10T10:34:00.003-04:002017-05-10T10:34:30.355-04:00Night of Something... I Don't Know What, But SomethingI'm really going to have to stop watching things my roommate tells me I should watch because this shit is getting ridiculous, yo. For today's little fun run, let's take a look at <i>Night of Something Strange</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTlgJmFUEoxyXqaEXy2xxZwBK4J4hEbcPhZNinIpFeGxztYIOCooisOb_VUl9xzUMm3CGJ3udIQWJip1cguptqb999-J7p55LVKQWTL5TLFT-IPjccJ-yLhI8uquSVLsmQ3Ju029qwbpUx/s1600/strange1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTlgJmFUEoxyXqaEXy2xxZwBK4J4hEbcPhZNinIpFeGxztYIOCooisOb_VUl9xzUMm3CGJ3udIQWJip1cguptqb999-J7p55LVKQWTL5TLFT-IPjccJ-yLhI8uquSVLsmQ3Ju029qwbpUx/s320/strange1.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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Words cannot adequately describe the revulsion I feel for this film. Remember how actual, real, paid critics used to say that horror had no redeeming social value? Yep. None. None at all to be found here. Negative social value is the watchword of the day. The director, here, needs to be beaten with an oar and pay US for the opportunity to do so. Because his shit is weak. Weak and off-putting. I would rather put my dick in a blender than watch this again.</div>
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Because it all starts with this guy:</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9YfLyMJF4HVFUbww7HsqR-zjnaZggmjuHV-p-psDnHfC7ToOXeUQzKcMkJDEO-1F-9yNb-63FHUC6MxVc3igfmNWYy2g7pcgQ7ZlvC-ofsbAs1l92W7rd_xYLout98YqqiAFd2QrDLkvg/s1600/Strange5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9YfLyMJF4HVFUbww7HsqR-zjnaZggmjuHV-p-psDnHfC7ToOXeUQzKcMkJDEO-1F-9yNb-63FHUC6MxVc3igfmNWYy2g7pcgQ7ZlvC-ofsbAs1l92W7rd_xYLout98YqqiAFd2QrDLkvg/s320/Strange5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jokerface McCorpsefucker</td></tr>
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First off, asshole, if you're GONNA fuck a corpse, at LEAST read the toe tag if you're not the actual cause of death. It says right there that she died of an STI. But, noooooooo. You and your creepy-ass face just <i>neeeeded</i> to get your dick wet. Probably because no one else was gonna touch you. I bet you belong to a Men's Rights group and believe that raising a daughter is the ultimate in cuckoldry because you spend 18 years spending money on a girl for other men to have. Grooooooooss.</div>
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SO, yeah. It all started there and, like all shit, rolled directly downhill, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 (or, rather, $3500 in today's money which I could totally use because I like nice things, go buy my book). </div>
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Oh, and OF COURSE we have teenagers getting ready to graduate and going on a beach trip with no parental supervision. Teenagers who can't stop at the side of the road to pee and, instead, have to use the gross toilet that Necro-Dick pissed blood and pus into AFTER eating the used tampon that was in there because we ALL needed to see that, right?</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2D8zWxxF56Q-s-JwMfqS8ex304kzaWI2B2C3wJH0wWWKV4r2wLbTfdfK1R4xImluC2zdgw4BkwkZAeisiniEmfpbw5urVNpLHzWo_IuiAjHC4EEBV8xac2E2rmjW5a6QLzE2YW3ADjrQX/s1600/strange3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2D8zWxxF56Q-s-JwMfqS8ex304kzaWI2B2C3wJH0wWWKV4r2wLbTfdfK1R4xImluC2zdgw4BkwkZAeisiniEmfpbw5urVNpLHzWo_IuiAjHC4EEBV8xac2E2rmjW5a6QLzE2YW3ADjrQX/s320/strange3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Awww. Poor teenager in old-age makeup making sure she gets a last drag in before she cacks it.</td></tr>
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AND THE FUN CONTINUES with everyone slowly turning because the one chick just HAD to go and she fell into the gross toilet, the fat kid finally getting laid (and getting his first STI AND his first anal experience in one go, bless him), the disgusting rimming jokes and other super-homophobic bullshit like the dude getting literally stuck in Chunky's asshole.<br />
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No, children, I cannot recommend this even as a horror-comedy (which is what it's supposed to be, I guess). I would not even recommend watching this with a shitload of weed because it's just not that funny. Maybe if it relied less on toilet humor, I wouldn't have a problem but, as I age, kicking and screaming, toilet humor does nothing but make me want to throw things at my very expensive monitor and that, kids, is a very bad fucking thing. <br />
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Don't get me wrong. I LOVE bad horror but it either has to be the kind of bad that doesn't think it's bad or the kind of bad that knows it's bad but uses the awful to it's advantage. This movie is neither. I mean, seriously. If you're going to give me dick jokes, at least give me some dick and NOT the hideous fucking puppet you so graciously provided. <br />
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Don't watch it. Just... don't.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-78632941269370527952017-05-07T11:10:00.001-04:002017-05-10T08:54:12.202-04:00Crime Doesn't PayI'd heard good things about today's piece. <i>The House on Willow Street</i> is supposed to be this new, edgy, South African horror flick that's sweeping the nation via OnDemand and IFC Midnight. I mean, LOOK at this poster art. It's delightfully creepy, right?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg06cJT69wMmuPWLBjFyIFd7Gt4W0zaiTMO16ISUufUyVvO7J_N6Ke1kkCJ_Gr9DF1cD-tPCCtLCak8YUrq9gDdRH8VKl-LuUthB3u-iCYoXFYyKH4WaW1RyIf_1g3frihBBM6Sc3VTlza/s1600/Willow1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg06cJT69wMmuPWLBjFyIFd7Gt4W0zaiTMO16ISUufUyVvO7J_N6Ke1kkCJ_Gr9DF1cD-tPCCtLCak8YUrq9gDdRH8VKl-LuUthB3u-iCYoXFYyKH4WaW1RyIf_1g3frihBBM6Sc3VTlza/s320/Willow1.jpg" width="168" /></a></div>
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So I watched it. I got my snacks and my drink and I settled into some demonic shenanigans.<br />
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Nope. Nope. Nope.<br />
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So, here's the thing. These 4 career criminals (refugees from the foster care system from the sounds of things), who all seem to be related spend WEEKS coming up with a plan to abduct and ransom a teenage girl which, for all intents and purposes, goes off without a hitch.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmshungNi2kqvNbdPbXdCNff8Acr1Zz_o6L7FDBHoVpgRdxdDQZ25ss-MZKm6S7984SMiJ6FAzhl_oe3SpntMI6Q3WDTv03QGmjzWDlQrwoe_pMd-gJseqt-XZz1OEfN5S1X0cFb_Piq9S/s1600/Willow2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmshungNi2kqvNbdPbXdCNff8Acr1Zz_o6L7FDBHoVpgRdxdDQZ25ss-MZKm6S7984SMiJ6FAzhl_oe3SpntMI6Q3WDTv03QGmjzWDlQrwoe_pMd-gJseqt-XZz1OEfN5S1X0cFb_Piq9S/s320/Willow2.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There's a bell. WHY is there a bell? Is she part cat?</td></tr>
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Of course, this being HorrorMovieTown, this is not quite as simple as they would like it to fucking be. (Because it never is. It's better to learn this lesson, now, kids. Don't take the easy way out. EARN your shit. If you work hard for it you don't have anyone else to blame when things go tits up but you don't have anyone to thank but yourself for the cool shit, either. Just a tip from your old Uncle Bob.) ANYWAY, their target is all legit possessed by a demon who can project your deepest fears and has a SUPER need to physically manifest. I'm guessing because it's dying for a Pinkberry but I could be wrong.<br />
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So, these four douchebags (yes, including you, sole female member of the team) spend the rest of the movie getting chased by people they thought were dead, getting infected with "Tha Evuls" via spiky penis tongues and generally making use of the hastily rented abandoned warehouse .<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPCkkWo-MMXKNRmZ5Ct9XE7lytsXCdOUe4wbBar6GnBq0ygniPO44WMh1hWCiFSLHYGasDV5pb0e-V0s0QT20GraI0rQHp0MIzwppjzHWIJphgogN4sfULNdOs47-jiWgKBdaJqMRIIRZk/s1600/Willow4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPCkkWo-MMXKNRmZ5Ct9XE7lytsXCdOUe4wbBar6GnBq0ygniPO44WMh1hWCiFSLHYGasDV5pb0e-V0s0QT20GraI0rQHp0MIzwppjzHWIJphgogN4sfULNdOs47-jiWgKBdaJqMRIIRZk/s320/Willow4.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And making me continually give you the thousand-yard Cheech-stare because I thoroughly blame drugs for this movie.</td></tr>
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Oh, come one, now! Really? Truly, kids? You can't do better than this? I thought IFC Midnight was supposed to have GOOD taste and they distribute this pile of steaming, corn-filled shit?<br />
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Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.<br />
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First of all, this has already been done and been done WELL. Take a gander at Tales from Halloween (because it's awesome) and check out the segment called "The Ransom of Rusty Rex" and you'll get a much slimmer, much more intense, and actually FUNNY version of this movie. This movie makes me wish I made better choices in life, for real. It was a bland, boring mumble-fest.<br />
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Save yourself the two hours and go walk in nature with children or something. At least then you've done something worthwhile.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-30674877115488188312017-04-30T08:57:00.000-04:002017-03-09T09:29:20.907-05:00Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!You all may have noticed that there are some things missing from the site as of late.<br />
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Specifically, the Tropefest posts.<br />
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Well, there's a reason for that.<br />
<br />
Those posts have been compiled and published in my very first book!<br />
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Tropefest!: Attack of the Killer Cliches is now <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/1520784511">available on Amazon</a>!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghZXL2H1nNMKvBYyFW0U5KdCOpX-sIuRKM4JfmYDsS9atPS-VRXEsHF6WlObpyyPa_J11otPyPZ_5g145fQK0EIViDZ-D6JWCIN2Lyx6-JXYzFjfLAw7t3zXyJ6Y1di2SOYVmas1E6GRjK/s1600/Tropefest.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghZXL2H1nNMKvBYyFW0U5KdCOpX-sIuRKM4JfmYDsS9atPS-VRXEsHF6WlObpyyPa_J11otPyPZ_5g145fQK0EIViDZ-D6JWCIN2Lyx6-JXYzFjfLAw7t3zXyJ6Y1di2SOYVmas1E6GRjK/s400/Tropefest.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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This has been such a labor of love. I hope you all enjoy it! More Tropefest posts are coming. I promise!BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-74645886394634717132017-04-25T10:30:00.001-04:002017-04-25T10:39:26.596-04:00Don't Think It, Don't Say It, Don't Watch ItIs it just me or is horror just going straight to shit these days? Because I just (and I cannot tell you why) watched <i>The Bye-Bye Man</i> and thought to myself, "Y'know what, Bob? You deserve everything that's coming to you. You brought this on yourself."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxha61CvcCQKGpu9EUJpz6dwKxsc4bJr9gQlKctJA2o6kKvxyC0XVGvouYhMUzJxeRtvd-ZjAGGU5xL5yGtMIQYFHQOfVetuGOqG-kWj4N3V5sjaM3cwj3Ln8n5oH9XFuE7wRw_r8NGZ7c/s1600/BBM1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxha61CvcCQKGpu9EUJpz6dwKxsc4bJr9gQlKctJA2o6kKvxyC0XVGvouYhMUzJxeRtvd-ZjAGGU5xL5yGtMIQYFHQOfVetuGOqG-kWj4N3V5sjaM3cwj3Ln8n5oH9XFuE7wRw_r8NGZ7c/s320/BBM1.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
What kind of drugs were Stacy Title, Jonathon Penner and Robert Damon Schneck on when they decided this was going to be a good idea? What have I told you about drugs, kids? DON'T DO DRUGS! If you do drugs, you end up with assholes like <a href="http://variety.com/2017/tv/news/erin-moran-dead-scott-baio-god-happy-days-1202393831/">Scott Baio being insensitive dick-faces all over the landscape</a> when you kick it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnkmUC9V3yuykMwj5uf-pHwTLW3zvK4rJzU8zHBWQdzwUTEvuMb7wX3EKD3diQhZycmPpdjSyVcQE5OKOEKff-vK8QU7xOfCXzR6ODcgjYcskUCARxJDzgrVdRC6GTdie7_bqHmkcMPYaQ/s1600/BBM6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnkmUC9V3yuykMwj5uf-pHwTLW3zvK4rJzU8zHBWQdzwUTEvuMb7wX3EKD3diQhZycmPpdjSyVcQE5OKOEKff-vK8QU7xOfCXzR6ODcgjYcskUCARxJDzgrVdRC6GTdie7_bqHmkcMPYaQ/s1600/BBM6.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And former A-listers clogging your drains and making sure you don't talk about <i>Mommy Dearest</i>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So, yeah. The movie starts with Leigh Wannell on a shooting spree because that's always a good start. Blah, blah, blah, cut to present day when three college students rent out a full-sized fucking mansion because college students can afford the rent on this place really and for truly. It's furnished, which is great because with the rent on this place there's no way they were going to be able to afford furniture. They still won't be able to eat. I suppose that's OK because they'll just fit right in with Hollywood's unhealthy standards of beauty.<br />
<br />
So, yeah. They find a nightstand with writing all over the drawer. The writing says "Don't Think It, Don't Say It" again and again along with one large note "The Bye-Bye Man".<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit96PzSk8lHP4D5_py9m1ShwMVpSaqvu_QrtyCQKN2V-PNKNywTPXoFhPgy6FPyHPe9CNMhZVOg0W1pTd7mMEnvQE7JyOgnqWafMsin7yx21AfHYIf7XllMKnbDJjQmfHAqTWHR1HNOMrs/s1600/BBM2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit96PzSk8lHP4D5_py9m1ShwMVpSaqvu_QrtyCQKN2V-PNKNywTPXoFhPgy6FPyHPe9CNMhZVOg0W1pTd7mMEnvQE7JyOgnqWafMsin7yx21AfHYIf7XllMKnbDJjQmfHAqTWHR1HNOMrs/s320/BBM2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This bitch...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Now, are you gonna sit there with your bare fucking face and tell me that you didn't stop to think "Hmmm... maybe I shouldn't, oh, I don't know, WRITE THE GODDAMN NAME OF THE THING I SHOULDN'T BE THINKING ABOUT ALL OVER THE FUCKING LANDSCAPE?" (It's amazing what you can spread all over the landscape, really. Writing. Insensitive assholery. Shit. Truly fascinating.)<br />
<br />
Now, what has daddy told you about the stupid people, kids? That's right. They're stupid. And without them we wouldn't have a movie.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKneOyIqZXjPrwweZTmzhyphenhyphen2XMxTxvkwAeuh2TTDpgvKERTZGKwrpwZfXSdtgL01hJVTrWWnJjE3QfSwWnGITcgYHuR0oWLtxka-eMk2PMJPzKeLHcKx8x8dSRIh2OqPJwHXDFYHcewLceu/s1600/BBM3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKneOyIqZXjPrwweZTmzhyphenhyphen2XMxTxvkwAeuh2TTDpgvKERTZGKwrpwZfXSdtgL01hJVTrWWnJjE3QfSwWnGITcgYHuR0oWLtxka-eMk2PMJPzKeLHcKx8x8dSRIh2OqPJwHXDFYHcewLceu/s320/BBM3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's where you should be smacked repeatedly.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So, yeah, they start thinkin' it and sayin' it and, of course, all sorts of forgettable dumbness occurs. Like the lady in the records department, with whom the lead has a full-on conversation about TBBM as if it were all "Ho-hum, it's Tuesday", silently killing her entire family off-camera and then coming for the lead. I wish she'd been successful.<br />
<br />
Oh, and the psychic friend that murders her roommate and then decides she wants to take a walk on the train tracks. That was fun. But, at least they used her to bring us some Carrie-Anne Moss. She and her super-frowny-face just waltzed through this movie like "gimme my damn paycheck and fire my manager".<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_AK_qLLjpp7UO6GkWvzf3JJD1AZ2p64x91E9t3kwRrJIamyXIjoi0bQrrG-1rbWndqiWaefvSBIDdRka7A7WE63K8pSpWr603wIlJJH622b06kEQknxi205Z70r_5lpjSpODYSRZw2BWD/s1600/BBM4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_AK_qLLjpp7UO6GkWvzf3JJD1AZ2p64x91E9t3kwRrJIamyXIjoi0bQrrG-1rbWndqiWaefvSBIDdRka7A7WE63K8pSpWr603wIlJJH622b06kEQknxi205Z70r_5lpjSpODYSRZw2BWD/s320/BBM4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You and I had a deal. I would be a second-string character in your movie and it wouldn't suck. You OWE me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For real, kids, just don't waste your time. I fully expect this to be on the next season of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's THAT bad. I actually feel horrible for Doug Jones because he had to sit through hours of makeup and cope with a CGI dog for this piece of shit. I literally had to watch this in 3 sittings because I could NOT sit still for the boring, lackluster, what-the-fuckness that is <i>The Bye-Bye Man</i>.<br />
<br />
Skip this bitch with a song in your goddamn heart unless you want to make sure that Faye Dunaway has a few years worth of Botox money. Poor thing.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-30063660951843150822017-04-19T09:49:00.001-04:002017-04-19T09:58:41.162-04:00Sneak Peak: You MONSTERThe following is a sneak peak at the first chapter of TROPEFEST II: Return of the Killer Cliches. The format of this article will likely not be the same as in the book because I can't afford the rights to the pictures. Enjoy, bitches.<br />
<br />
***<br />
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<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">From
the beginning of storytelling time (or at least back as far as Edgar
Allen Poe), there has always been that one villain that is so utterly
unhinged, so deranged, so apathetically mean, that their actions,
regardless of the payoff at the end, are cruelly random and
absolutely unreasonable.</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">These
characters, as TV Tropes so eloquently phrases it, are doing this
“for the evulz”.</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAOo7lvaN8H_58TxHLpMNCY_j08iBvcO6GR0HAMBJNmbWUu3jnJLNep4XV0veCE-eG8Caaf81JWPzPFoZO2LWwtovY33ctOd-aVArjlaQh5lRm4UHPqtX3uDER6rsJmzZCZF7bU1zJ7EQ9/s1600/evulz4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAOo7lvaN8H_58TxHLpMNCY_j08iBvcO6GR0HAMBJNmbWUu3jnJLNep4XV0veCE-eG8Caaf81JWPzPFoZO2LWwtovY33ctOd-aVArjlaQh5lRm4UHPqtX3uDER6rsJmzZCZF7bU1zJ7EQ9/s320/evulz4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ya don't fuckin' say...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This
portmanteau of “evil” and the internet slang “for the lulz”
basically means “I don't need a reason to do what I'm doing, I'm
evil. Suck my dick. And this stick of dynamite.” Kinda like the
Trump presidency. Fuck you, Trump. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We
have to bear in mind that this doesn't have anything to do with a
similar trope in which the character just does something because it
amused them (see the home invaders in </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>The
Strangers</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">).
In this case, the character is in full fucking possession of their
morality and they deliberately choose to perform acts of evil based
on that trait alone. One more time for the folks in the back, the
Trump presidency, ladies and gentlemen.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7c5L60Gzop8_U8ar_o03H_Qpu5lXNWAB-GYP0T4e65U72atndyfFXcezEd-622QpJo5lsCrCLrQ4t6hmq8Yi7ISlir13-nBdM7XTocGHvFn4NJILawoJ8jS6CNgqnLbSCcGbYz18BFnnW/s1600/evulz3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7c5L60Gzop8_U8ar_o03H_Qpu5lXNWAB-GYP0T4e65U72atndyfFXcezEd-622QpJo5lsCrCLrQ4t6hmq8Yi7ISlir13-nBdM7XTocGHvFn4NJILawoJ8jS6CNgqnLbSCcGbYz18BFnnW/s320/evulz3.jpg" width="228" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And whoever made this piece of trash.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Whether
or not the character gets any actual enjoyment out of their actions
is also questionable. They don't NEED to enjoy dangling your scrawny
ass over a shark-filled aquarium with a laser pointed at the rope
holding you there while waiting for whichever tights-clad paragon of
fucking virtue (nerd) to show up and rescue you, but it's sometimes
nice, I suppose. No, they do it to inflict their own suck-ass life
on you to share the pain. They do NOT give a shit if their actions
hurt them, too.</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">There
is also a sub-trope of this where the villain is an actual
personification of evil. That's where we're looking at characters
like the Loc-Nar (not a person but sentient, it counts) from </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Heavy
Metal</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">,
Evil (yes, that's really the name of the character, thank you David
Warner and Terry Gilliam) from </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Time
Bandits</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
and, in a kind of lame-ass attempt to explain how he comes back every
few years to torment Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Myers from </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Halloween.</i></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMAktxPMlTHu082bSFIHHnVUfFMOVaxUNNdt22V2L4GB0I7DF1IY5-bsIVF2seoCAkHmA_K1wCk2n7HaG4VuMS2MQFNgs0k_mXnpbKxPMthbF1v4NzJaXe5kg6Lw6J86w3W583kn0VADZK/s1600/evulz2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMAktxPMlTHu082bSFIHHnVUfFMOVaxUNNdt22V2L4GB0I7DF1IY5-bsIVF2seoCAkHmA_K1wCk2n7HaG4VuMS2MQFNgs0k_mXnpbKxPMthbF1v4NzJaXe5kg6Lw6J86w3W583kn0VADZK/s320/evulz2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nui Harime from Kill la Kill, ladies and gentlemen. Shoot on site.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">Now,
as I said earlier, this trope does go back to at least Edgar Allen
Poe. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>The
Black Cat</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
gives us a protagonist who hurts people and animals out of the
“spirit of perverseness”. This didn't just extend to the people
and animals he harmed, it also encompassed himself. He just didn't
care and was driven to do things that he KNEW were wrong and did them
anyway, seemingly out of pure spite. He hanged the titular kitty
because “I knew that it had loved me, and </span></span></span><i><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">because</span></span></i><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
I felt it had given me no reason of offense; hung it because I knew
that in so doing I was committing a sin “</span></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">But
we also have characters like EVERYBODY'S favorite Batman rogue, The
Joker. Not only does he do things specifically because they're funny
but he tries to wax all philosophical about it and shit. In </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>The
Killing Joke</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
(now an animated feature), he (SPOILERS, BITCHES!) shoots Barbara
Gordon (AKA Batgirl), paralyzes her, and kidnaps Commissioner Gordon,
strips him naked (Well, hello, Daddy...), and tortures him with
photographs taken of Barbara's broken, nude, helpless body. It's
assumed that J-man raped her but that's not canon. Why did he do
this? Because it's fun AND because he wants to prove that all it
takes is one bad day to utterly ruin your life and make you take the
short bus to cuckoo-town.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSLl3mIYgp1dVnni2dKsLOHYQd9YSR6BU_HM3k6NOHf7P_obxSM3j9-uUHb9x33-HsJgjFST1aDBElDgW5OTxjU79Bcuuj9F9W7BEXAgvel5_0lfBPVoj1kj9jzZfCgF88k5U8O-CN8jgO/s1600/evulz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSLl3mIYgp1dVnni2dKsLOHYQd9YSR6BU_HM3k6NOHf7P_obxSM3j9-uUHb9x33-HsJgjFST1aDBElDgW5OTxjU79Bcuuj9F9W7BEXAgvel5_0lfBPVoj1kj9jzZfCgF88k5U8O-CN8jgO/s320/evulz.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">And
in video games, we have the myriad of games wherein you, the player,
get to decide if you're going to fight on the side of the angels or
wreak havoc because you can. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Infamous</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
is pretty much the forerunner, here.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">In
horror specifically, we do have the aforementioned Michael Myers
(although he doesn't seem to enjoy it, he DOES take the time to
artfully display his victims like some kind of demented Macy's window
dresser) but we also have such interesting characters as The Captain
in </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Byzantium
</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">(who
seems to just like raping little girls and sending them off into
slavery), The Gremlin in </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Twilight
Zone: The Movie </i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">(and
the television episode </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Nightmare
at 20,000 Feet</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">)
who just wants to destroy the plane because it's all kinds of fucking
funsies, and the </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Indomitus
Rex</i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">
from </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Jurassic
World </i></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-style: normal;">who,
for all intents and purposes, is a giant, dinosaur sociopath. It
hunts for sport, unlike the other big bads in the previous
installments.</span></span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnIQ3iC3wKNl-UgWjs_FXs_NDqTKw_RtwpCPMTnfDlSiWR6rFKYrFJPljNvViVThcSGmt-YWbxaLfgJFFAmCd9z3PEi5XII0O2BbgKjwbfEORfrxht3ip7VQmKv-6_jCPtNM20lnt-WZ-f/s1600/evulz5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnIQ3iC3wKNl-UgWjs_FXs_NDqTKw_RtwpCPMTnfDlSiWR6rFKYrFJPljNvViVThcSGmt-YWbxaLfgJFFAmCd9z3PEi5XII0O2BbgKjwbfEORfrxht3ip7VQmKv-6_jCPtNM20lnt-WZ-f/s320/evulz5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This
trope is SUPER fun but it can also go down some idiotic fucking
roads. If you play it too far one way all you have is a cackling,
petty, dumb-ass super-villain that's too stupid to live (and won't...
because they're stupid). If you don't play it up enough, all you get
is “Doomsday Guy”. Laziness is usually the cause, here, and it
tends to happen in sequels because, as mentioned in the my first
book, screenwriters do not understand the care and feeding of cash
cows. I find that smacking them with a newspaper generally gets them
to stop shitting all over the paper.</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
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BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-39435321656735993422017-04-15T16:53:00.003-04:002017-04-16T09:36:51.370-04:00We Hurt the Ones We Love. LET ME LOVE YOU!My roommate has been hounding me for MONTHS to watch his new favorite movie, <i>The Love Witch</i>. I finally gave in but only because I like my roommate and I also like mid-to-late-60s retro Technicolor schlock.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0f2bTRoxJfSorbqtoxH6Ndhak3ME_aZQh01dvY6DDD1FBHdchDU99KPp3Mxy3oO3wnV9Z0X3rsH4YH9X474Ifdl8FKX-km851H7oP9vbHrcPd2633GYZtwWVxbd-UCf6Xio74hbVjLQSs/s1600/TLWPoster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0f2bTRoxJfSorbqtoxH6Ndhak3ME_aZQh01dvY6DDD1FBHdchDU99KPp3Mxy3oO3wnV9Z0X3rsH4YH9X474Ifdl8FKX-km851H7oP9vbHrcPd2633GYZtwWVxbd-UCf6Xio74hbVjLQSs/s1600/TLWPoster.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Anna Biller's latest, <i>The Love Witch</i>,<i> </i>is a throwback to films like Hammer's <i>Dracula</i>, <i>Blood and Black Lace</i>,<i> Black Eye</i>, and <i>Barbarella</i>. Super-saturated with color, marinated in pure sex, and melodramatic to the extreme, these films are EXTRA-cheesy and I love the fuck out of them.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJP7IDBbOjwnGc1J8rYRlcJQADDhqwwkUu7olBVmn-0LaKrkgo7c_jkBig-UxF_QC-l-wHxtaeBknvr3NWOiMAq6iq5mhyG57pK5cOV7dkvANY2MKEN6UMzdrb4IRw3CmZ7epEViMlozHI/s1600/TLW1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJP7IDBbOjwnGc1J8rYRlcJQADDhqwwkUu7olBVmn-0LaKrkgo7c_jkBig-UxF_QC-l-wHxtaeBknvr3NWOiMAq6iq5mhyG57pK5cOV7dkvANY2MKEN6UMzdrb4IRw3CmZ7epEViMlozHI/s320/TLW1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's it, mama. Smoke up that classic convertable.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Elaine, our lead and played delightfully by Samantha Robinson, is a recent widow/divorcee/not-really-sure fleeing from a past she'd rather forget but also starting to weave her own little web of debauchery in her new digs. Digs where her old coven seem to know exactly where to find her at all times. (This is important, somehow, but I still haven't quite placed my finger on it.)<br />
<br />
Yeah. SUUUUper-weird.<br />
<br />
Her schtick? She's addicted to love. Like a reject from a Robert Palmer video, she gives us garage-door eyeshadow and a tasteful coral lip to get what she wants and what she wants is a man to love her forever. Except she keeps getting it wrong and either having to kill them or just watching them die. Horribly. Not in the way of "Oh, that death was gruesome", more like "Oh. No. I'm. Dying." hilariousness.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoR0ju4G8vBvYecLGMqPtvLNYF20hCnDWH5c1y7p5zFb-6HZXD2jDr8skf60bxpbIe0hKGFECCD-GFIVr-Y-E_Xz73_ngrL5h1qYkErpnP6M8ARoFMnfWyWt68wB79vbeeVwh5xV_YUQkC/s1600/TLW2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoR0ju4G8vBvYecLGMqPtvLNYF20hCnDWH5c1y7p5zFb-6HZXD2jDr8skf60bxpbIe0hKGFECCD-GFIVr-Y-E_Xz73_ngrL5h1qYkErpnP6M8ARoFMnfWyWt68wB79vbeeVwh5xV_YUQkC/s320/TLW2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You heard me, bitch. DO. BETTER.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
During the course of this, the police are catching up to her, she falls in love with the lead detective and all kinds of wackiness ensues. Like rituals:<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy-0mq-v1hr9WjXDqHqWdlWY9UvE6-AXmVuX5LT7xoN0RpRDNAuN1L6RCrX6sw_9Gc_bSfCfptXNWVmTQ2fW4YwTlm8PxIpXPxh7nOFNPd0ke4RxLJ58TSlk2K3vN9gYY94-iXaCiGZXrj/s1600/TLW3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy-0mq-v1hr9WjXDqHqWdlWY9UvE6-AXmVuX5LT7xoN0RpRDNAuN1L6RCrX6sw_9Gc_bSfCfptXNWVmTQ2fW4YwTlm8PxIpXPxh7nOFNPd0ke4RxLJ58TSlk2K3vN9gYY94-iXaCiGZXrj/s320/TLW3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So much unsexy nude in this movie. I mean, it wasn't all bad but damn.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
And impromptu horseback riding that leads directly to a pop-up renaissance festival starring all of her coven friends that are itchin' to hold a wedding for the two people that literally started dating a day before.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaXo0zdZVK9iBFbRlIqi71ynWkITGZvh7bjD12VExW5s4wZrkQ4iMJlYA2mSzsNiOD3x5pAmnyLdueLezpoSij1_ciJ9az5UoLtSPXGY6hS__y57JFs49uaFGIoY7K1AArYp3Jr2gQ6kZW/s1600/TLW4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaXo0zdZVK9iBFbRlIqi71ynWkITGZvh7bjD12VExW5s4wZrkQ4iMJlYA2mSzsNiOD3x5pAmnyLdueLezpoSij1_ciJ9az5UoLtSPXGY6hS__y57JFs49uaFGIoY7K1AArYp3Jr2gQ6kZW/s320/TLW4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CLOWN!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
For real kids, this is some DELICIOUS cheese. Like a fine aged cheddar or smoked brie. Biller obviously knows and loves her schlock and I need to meet her and thank her for this. Mostly because I watched it reeeeeealllly fucking high (weed is not a drug, it's a plant) and that's the best way to watch it. You don't need acid to feel like you're hallucinating. Just some skunk weed and this movie. Fantastic.<br />
<br />
I may have to give this one a try sober but I feel that I may have been spoiled myself for choice this time around. I think it would still be fun but not AS fun. Still, this is one of the best instances of unintentional comedy-horror ever made. (The director prefers that it be known as a melodrama but she's wrong.)<br />
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Anyway, bust out those go-go boots and fringe dresses, spark up a blunt, get yourself some munchies and check out <i>The Love Witch</i>. You won't be disappointed.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5960520712376506856.post-15797135700641637582017-03-15T08:09:00.000-04:002017-03-15T08:09:36.489-04:00Make Like a Banana...M. Night Shyamalan is back with Split. And I watched it.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTeXzPcVV729aoJrxqN8oyvqNuA-13lh3LJzknTtTgDaeANDXoPiy1POqiXuC9sw_jlJAsIVtb6NUdAdLbeodVi-bHYi1Jmbs4zzITMHycvYXvwUvGs1aRoBhsItfl6Bv44Q19IbMLTmyb/s1600/Split-poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTeXzPcVV729aoJrxqN8oyvqNuA-13lh3LJzknTtTgDaeANDXoPiy1POqiXuC9sw_jlJAsIVtb6NUdAdLbeodVi-bHYi1Jmbs4zzITMHycvYXvwUvGs1aRoBhsItfl6Bv44Q19IbMLTmyb/s1600/Split-poster.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br />
Oh, for fuck's sake...<br />
<br />
I really should have known better. I really should have. But, noooooo. The promise of James McAvoy and Betty Buckley lured me into Shamalamadingdong's creeper van with the promise of great acting and a decent storyline.<br />
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Great acting I got. The storyline? Not so much.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcxCjWRzdN_5-Kh5oqAr9s4OGOfVrKIE7blcQt1dXJVUsJHwgxPf1Jmb9bxg8cJJAdWWGx6H2MVvGQa7zVxr6JlEO8e_PwW29s1OVJz0znMsZjd9Cyjt0cec3qHRUncegMOKQxhQuE9T24/s1600/split1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcxCjWRzdN_5-Kh5oqAr9s4OGOfVrKIE7blcQt1dXJVUsJHwgxPf1Jmb9bxg8cJJAdWWGx6H2MVvGQa7zVxr6JlEO8e_PwW29s1OVJz0znMsZjd9Cyjt0cec3qHRUncegMOKQxhQuE9T24/s320/split1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">SURPRISE!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So, our story is about three young women who get kidnapped by a man who has developed 23 distinct personalities due to childhood abuse, collectively known as "The Horde" because there's, apparently, nothing more frightening than a World of Warcraft reference. We get McAvoy cycling through a few key personalities in an effort to bring forth "The Beast", which is the new 24th personality. This one is a cannibal.<br />
<br />
De-fucking-lightful.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVMRxYl0x6bl4oQUa2hUMBl3pUBoWnfB8cbparJaAzZR7lZguiSQ_gQwypWwsOR8_rWweriiJnEVjdWUU8zHWZQvFhOWLAbdnMUvO6-tx28L-ksFuaWg7yy50TO30PEqos1Vw2t8bKQkgW/s1600/Split5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVMRxYl0x6bl4oQUa2hUMBl3pUBoWnfB8cbparJaAzZR7lZguiSQ_gQwypWwsOR8_rWweriiJnEVjdWUU8zHWZQvFhOWLAbdnMUvO6-tx28L-ksFuaWg7yy50TO30PEqos1Vw2t8bKQkgW/s320/Split5.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Childhood Abuse Powers! ACTIVATE!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Luckily for us, one of the girls is ALSO an abuse survivor and gets her mad on to try and help the others. His shrink is also on the job, not quite knowing if he's behind the highly publicized kidnapping or not but pretty damn sure since one or more of the personalities are fighting back and bringing him to see her daily to try and mitigate the damage. And I literally mean damage because the shrink has a hypothesis about the personalities having their own physiologies alongside their personalities, such as only ONE of the Horde having diabetes.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiVFjbL3mKoH8VFjzxDFMl_GJZzEvx2d71LY9pwnXT-GdTPaV8xvxAzkP5NH_gCVC5m02eamB2JRfuoUGW3qE-dxWOTxBPsUIgazXmrrSn-qqIMEi79JkQAHju6cU0kluhzumcUPfTwfEY/s1600/split3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="142" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiVFjbL3mKoH8VFjzxDFMl_GJZzEvx2d71LY9pwnXT-GdTPaV8xvxAzkP5NH_gCVC5m02eamB2JRfuoUGW3qE-dxWOTxBPsUIgazXmrrSn-qqIMEi79JkQAHju6cU0kluhzumcUPfTwfEY/s320/split3.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Verrrry innnderesding. But schtupid!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
None of this is really helpful. It's too new so I won't give it away.<br />
<br />
<br />
I tried, kids. I tried. This looked so good and it almost was. The tension needed to be amped up and the ending... just blah. Like a stale waffle with no syrup. The acting was fantastic. Everyone did an amazing job with their roles. Everything else was just too understated. The action needed to be more action-y, the scares needed to be more scary, the drama needed to be more drama-like. It was just a flat line of beige all the way through.<br />
<br />
I mean, give this a watch if you want but I just did not care for it. Frankly, Shablamgela's career should have been over after Avatar.BobSmashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01979273205610251417noreply@blogger.com0