I'll Be Overrrrrr... There... For Eternity... Kisses!

My Name is Bob and I... am an arachnophobe.

Spiders are eight-legged abominations that, while I understand and almost appreciate their role in the natural universe, can go the hell away.  We'll find better, less creepy insectivores to take their place.  Ones that don't look like miniature face-huggers and have faces.  Not just multiple eyes tacked onto a torso with independently mobile teeth below dripping venom, staring at me with abject hatred and plotting my demise.  GROW A NOSE, then we'll talk.

In 1990, Frank Marshall became the most hated man in my seventeen-year-old world.  For he brought us the culmination of all of my irrational fears, Arachnophobia.

Most people look at this movie as a thriller/comedy.  I mean, who wouldn't?  It's got John Goodman in it.  The Dude abides, indeed.  And I admit that it IS funny in spots.  All in all, it's a very enjoyable movie but this is LITERALLY the only movie that ever made me jump out of my seat and cover my eyes.  I even watched Kingdom of the Spiders as a kid and didn't bat an eyelash (although I blame that more on William Shatner than anything... my brother ended up getting hit for making spider hands on my shoulder, though).  Eight-Legged Freaks was a cakewalk compared to this movie.

So, anyway, back to Mr. Marshall.  Not only did he take something that I was deathly afraid of and increased it's numbers to "Biblical Plague" proportions, but he altered them.  Made them more powerful.  Made them immediately deadly.  And they looked like this:

FUCK! YOU! FRANK! MARSHALL!

No, seriously, Frank.  Die in a fire.  You and your successful alien invasion film can bite my hairy, white ass.  You wanted it to be like The Birds but funny?  Fuck you.  I don't care HOW cute and quirky it is.  I could give a rat's ass how well the suspense was played against the comedy.  Making fun of Julian Sands' hair?  Hilarious and THAT'S NOT THE POINT!  Jamie Hyneman worked on special effects?  WHO CARES!?!  All the entertainment value in the world does not hold a candle to the utter terror I experience watching this movie.

Which, of course, makes it one of the greatest horror movies of all time.

Dammit.

I'll be curled up in a corner with a can of Raid if you need me.

Whatever Happened To Chris Makepeace?

The 80's gave us some really lame music, some really lame fashion and some really lame horror movies.  This brings us to today's review.

You know that lame horror movies thing that I mentioned up there?  Forget it.  VAMP is, in my opinion, a classic horror comedy.  Quentin Tarentino owes a lot of From Dusk 'Til Dawn to it and somewhere in my gay contract, there's a stipulation that states that I must love Grace Jones.

This 1986 romp brings us big hair, rolled up jacket sleeves, skinny ties, Flashdance leotards, Dedee Pfeiffer and the stripper with the smallest boobs in the world.  See, the story goes like this:  Fraternity needs boobs.  Fraternity pledges need to get to the place where the boobs are to bring the boobs back to the fraternity so they can achieve social acceptance.  Rich nerd comes along for the ride so he can pretend he's loved.  Mid-range coolness fraternity pledge reunites with high-school pal Dedee and her mid-range boobs.  Cool fraternity pledge is infatuated with a Keith Haring inspired Grace Jones' tiny, tiny metal covered boobs and says "I must have her... to strip for the fraternity and make me even cooler".

Grace Jones is revealed to need a mani/pedi in the worst way and probably needs some floss, seeing as how (spoiler alert... really?) she's a vampire (and so is everybody in the boob-ranch) and she isn't the kind that leaves two neat, little holes.  Mid-range coolness fraternity pledge, rich nerd and mid-range boob Dedee have to fight off the vampires. 

Hey, I never said it was deep.

From a plot standpoint, it kind of shows that the studio wanted this to be a throwaway piece, but it stands up on its own.  It's not The Lost Boys or Fright Night but it kicks ass in its own way.  I think what makes it stand out is the visuals.  This movie does not look realistic and that's because they decided to use predominantly pink and green lighting but it actually enhances the movie and gives it a nightmarish quality that I love.

Anyway, remember how I said that teenagers wanted something to sneak out and see?  This was one of the big ones for me.  Oddly, it was because it was a vampire horror movie with Grace Jones, whom I loved as MayDay in A View To a Kill, and not because of the boobs.

Plus, there's this whole conversation about why Chris Makepeace is "testy" and I got the giggles.  When you're thirteen, anything can be made into a dirty joke.

Ya Can't Get Theah From Heah.

Some tropes aren't obvious.  Some of them aren't even recognized as tropes except by those of us who specifically look for them.  Take location for example.  Yes, isolation in the woods or desert or someplace where help is not immediately available is common and, yes, those are all tropes, too, but what if a horror movie starts out in a town where there are plenty of people and cell phone strength hasn't diminished?  Is it still a trope?

Absolutely.  And today we're going to discuss two tropes that are very closely related.  SO closely related that they're often mistaken for the same trope but there are subtle differences.

TVTropes.org lists them as Lovecraft Country and Campbell Country, respectively, because they are both descended from HP Lovecraft's works but they explore themes that are slightly different.  The other major difference is that Lovecraft Country is in New England or thereabouts and Campbell Country is always in Europe.

The basic gist of both tropes is that the towns in question seem... blah.  Like the most boring town you've ever been in.  Yeah, there are people and they seem nice enough at first but these places are the places where fun goes to die.  They tend to be scenic by day and spooky as Hell at night.  Think Salem, Massachusetts with more fog.  There will always be the cranky old dude that lives up the road and, generally, the town is full of, for lack of a better word, hicks, inbred or otherwise.

Often times, the townsfolk seem... not... quite... right.  That kind of goes hand in hand with the inbreeding question above.  There's an underlying corruption in the townsfolk that may not be immediately obvious but certainly makes itself known over time.  This is caused by ancient, and often alien, presences, the likes of which are incomprehensible by your average human mind and should not be disturbed.  Shapeless Eldritch Abominations.  Tentacles a-plenty.  Madness is prevalent here.

The works of Lovecraft, naturally, are where you'll find these places.  Arkham, Innsmouth and Dunwich come immediately to mind, but there are a lot of authors who create and use them as well.  Stephen King is particularly fond of the idea.  Derry is the most easily discerned example (because we all know that Pennywise is more than simply a creepy clown... much more) but Haven and Castle Rock fit the bill as well.  Shirley Jackson's works had that cold creepiness, as well, she being from Vermont.  August Derleth and Ramsey Campbell (and, oddly, JK Rowling) use the European version quite handily.  And the trope itself is actually older than Lovecraft.  Washington Irving and Nathaniel Hawthorne explored the theme, too. 

The problem between the two tropes is actually the age of the countries themselves.  There's an old saying that goes "An Englishman thinks a hundred miles is a long way while an American thinks a hundred years is a long time."  The oldest town in the U.S. is St. Augustine, Florida, so no matter how witch-haunted and ancient Arkham is, ANY town in England has probably been around longer (although a few authors cheat by presenting an American evil as held over from the Native Americans who were apparently doing hideous things with tentacled horrors long before the round eyes showed up and ruined the party with small pox and firearms).

This means that the evil has to be presented in different ways.  Isolation in America is relatively easy to come by so the old secrets in Lovecraft Country are very, very secret.  This is not the case in jolly, old England, where spooky sites where you can't understand a damn thing anyone is saying due to accents so thick you can spread them on toast are always within spitting distance.  The old secrets in Campbell Country are very, very old and EVERYBODY knows about them.  They just don't like to TALK about them.  Secretive bitches.

Regardless, this trope is still very effective when done correctly and it can be moved to different areas as well with relative ease.  Cast a Deadly Spell moves the Cthulhu Mythos to Los Angeles, for example.  One of it's largest problems, though, is that it can very easily be made into a joke, as evidenced by the Simon Pegg vehicle Hot Fuzz.  Hilarious as it was, it was most definitely a parody of the "town with a secret" that we've all come to know and love.  The League of Gentlemen is a British comedy series that LIVES for this, a couple of its characters being very concerned about "locals".  Highly recommended, by the way.

In any case, if you ever find yourself in a quaint New England town in the Fall or a foggy, seaside village in North Wales, you may wish to keep an eye out for weirdness.  You know... things like people who look disturbingly like fish or non-denominational churches that hold services around a bottomless pit.

And a Hearty "Fuck You" To You, Too, Sir

After 6 years of Development Hell, Relativity Media and Marcus Nispel, the director behind the Friday the 13th and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes seem poised to FINALLY bring the Devil's Due cult-classic comic Hack/Slash to life on the big screen.

Hack/Slash is, quite honestly, one of the most original and refreshing stories to grace the pages of comic-dom and I highly recommend it.  It follows the story of Cassie Hack, a goth-girl who happens to be the daughter of "The Lunch Lady", a "slasher" (a supernatural serial killer along the lines of Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees) who took revenge on those who bullied her daughter by serving them in school lunches and was subsequently killed by Cassie herself.  She now spends her time hunting down these villains and is joined by her large, muscle-y and slightly deformed side-kick, Vlad, best known for being mistaken for a slasher himself and wearing a gas mask to hide his slightly green face

Currently, there's no set script but the rumor is that the Stephen Susco draft is still on the playing field.

There's a few problems, though.

Rumor has it that they want to make the film PG-13 and they want to make the relationship between Cassie and Vlad a romantic one.

I'm about to go all nerd-rage on this one.

Did they READ the comic?  Cassie Hack is at the VERY least bisexual (and, frankly, the LGBT community needs all the role-models we can get) and her relationship with Vlad, while touching and very close, is definitely more brother and sister (even though Vlad does get jealous when she gets attention and he doesn't).  There is absolutely no need to force that kind of relationship on them and the best you can hope for by doing so is an army of angry fanboys waving torches and pitchforks who are in desperate need of a big-screen lesbian romp and potential goth-girl boobies.

Beyond that, a PG-13 rating is the kiss of death for horror movies.  We want full-on horror, not teeny-bopper crap.  The comics themselves are delightfully gory and snarky and they deserve the right treatment.  And, seriously?  Teens want something they have to sneak out and see.

Really, Hollywood.  Tailoring horror for the widest audience dilutes the genre.  Stop doing it.

Do NOT take the Twilight route on this one, Mr. Nispel.  It will not end well.

You Got a Little Somethin' On You, There...

For those of you who don't actually know me, this may come as a surprise.  Or it may not.  I'm not in your head.  I can't say what you think.  For all I know, you could be fantasizing about scuba diving in peanut butter.

Anyhoo, for those of you who DO know me, this may also come as a surprise but, then again, we may have only just met or we don't talk much or you're only here because you think I'm cute or something.  Again, I don't know.

But those who know me WELL know that my favorite movie, EVER, is Brian DePalma's 1976 Oscar™ nominated magnum opus of horror.

Carrie.

Yes, I know I said that Creepshow was the best Stephen King movie ever made but quality of film making is not what makes this my favorite movie of all time.

It almost seems silly to talk about it, really, since the movie, much like Psycho or The Birds, has become such an ingrained part of our culture but in this day and age of kids committing suicide due to bullying, I think everyone needs to watch it again.  It is THE high-school hazing revenge film and no other movie has come anywhere close to it. 

Not only is the plot relevant, even today, but, other than the obviously late 70's fashion and some of the slang used, it's timeless.  The situation presented can occur in just about any modern day high school and, unless the acting is so wooden as to claim Pinocchio in it's ancestry, the characters can be felt and understood by anyone who's ever gone to any educational institution, anywhere.  We all know the class system in school.  We all know the pretty bitch, the jock, the smart kid, the cool kid, the bad boy, the nice guy, and the victim.  It's BECAUSE these themes and these people are so prevalent in our daily lives that this film is so poignant and so horrific.

For those of you who have lived under a rock since 1974, Carrie is Stephen King's first published novel and it remains one of his most popular, even today.  It concerns a Miss Carrietta White (played by a young Sissy Spacek), a shy, naive girl who, it seems, has been the school scapegoat since she began attending school.  Largely, this is because of her religious upbringing.  You see, her overbearing, ham-handed and, really, really loony mother IS her religion.  It's never really explained in the movie but you can see it.  (The book states that her mother was the church and the preacher and held services three days a week with Carrie as her only parishioner.)  Piper Laurie, who portrayed her in the film, did a WONDERFUL job of playing this up (and, in the process, gave us some FANTASTIC one-liners that I make it my mission to use at least once a day because I'm just that kind of nerd).

The movie starts with probably the least sexy shower scene ever, barring the bath scene in Cabin Fever, alongside a hazing incident that is both awful and HILARIOUS and this sets in motion an avalanche.  Little things add up over the course of the film and lead to the creation of a villain that did not have to be.

Ultimately, Carrie White is a monster but (spoiler alert, ya nerds) her telekinetic power, which she was born with and chose to develop simply because she had it, is not WHY she is a monster (regardless of her mother's abject and religiously motivated fear of it).

She didn't set out to be a monster, she was made.  She is to blame for her actions and her use of her ability as a weapon but the fact that she was driven to them by everyone around her makes her a sympathetic monster.  Ms. White, because of her religion (which some of the girls took to be a "holier-than-thou" attitude, even though all Carrie ever wanted was to belong but she wasn't able to get out from under her mother's thumb to do so), was subjected to all manners of abuse from her peers that she, being the girl she was, had to let sit and fester inside and because of who her mother was, she had no outlet.  Her mother wouldn't allow her to have friends so her peers teased her and she accepted it because it was the only interaction that she had with them and if she DID go to her mother about the teasing, her mother blamed HER for it which made her internalize even more which her peers mistook for more self-righteousness which caused more abuse which garnered more abuse from her mother and... well, you see where I'm going with this.  This cycle of abuse is as painful to watch in the film as it is to describe and, ultimately, makes this movie the Titus Andronicus of horror (only without the rape) and it all culminates with the infamous Prom Scene, and if you don't know what happened THERE, then you need to stop reading this and go watch the damn movie, already.

I have some very personal reasons for identifying with Carrie but the fact that it's just a damn good movie makes me love it.  I love it so much that I didn't even hate the TV remake with Angela Bettis (although the fact that it was meant to be a pilot episode for a series freaked me out) and I will probably be the first in line to see the 2013 remake with Chloe Moretz.  The story is simply eternal and must be shared.

Ghoulies and Ghosties...

IT'S OCTOBER!

That means it's almost Halloween, the bestest, most awesomest Gay High Holy Day of the year!

I cannot tell you how excited I get over Halloween and it's not just because of cheap candy.  Despite it's beginnings as a pagan ritual to ward off evil, Halloween is when we get to dress up in costume and be silly and tell ghost stories and jump out at people in masks and be scared when people jump out at us.  Halloween is spooky when it's done right and even when it's done wrong it's still just macabre fun.  It reminds us that it's OK to be paranoid sometimes and gives everyone a chance to let their hair down.

Yes, there are people that hate Halloween but I don't associate with those people.

So, anyway, I'm hoping that my little blog here provides some inspiration for costumes and viewing material for parties or even just for yourself.  In the meantime, here's a little song from Randy Milholland:

Oh, the knife goes in,
stabby, stabby
And the guts fall out
on the slabby, slabby
And that's how we carve a pumpkin
Just like dear, old Dad.