Saturday, April 2, 2016


Never have I seen such an adorkable serial killer. 

Even Dexter wasn't this cute.

The Voices, kids.  Get into it.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Doomsday Prep 101


Today, on Candy-Coated Razor Blades, we discover that I'm not nearly as good with words when I'm speaking them without a script.


I'll get better at this, I swear.  

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

In Which I Review a Remake, The Original Unseen.

Alright, kids, so you're going to think I'm the most horrible horror fan on the planet, but up until a couple of days ago, I had never watched the original French version of Martyrs.

The line for spanking forms on the left.

That being said, I DID watch the remake prior to watching the original and, frankly, I'm kind of glad that I did.

Because, children, Uncle Bob says that this is EXACTLY the reason we don't like Americanized remakes of foreign horror films.

If you've watched the original, you know the story.  Girl escapes from some kind of horrible abusive situation and suffers from some SERIOUS PTSD.  Upon growing up, she decides to take care of her abusers.  She manages to rope in her one and only friend to help clean up the mess.  The friend thinks she's just bonkers (and, yes, she is) BUT, she turns out to have a REALLY good reason.

And a gun.  She has a gun.
Now, again, I don't necessarily have a problem with remakes, per se, as long as they're done well and with respect to the original.  Directors Kevin and Michael Goetz, however, seem to have based their film on a description given to them by the people who write ingredient lists on shampoo bottles.

BORING, Blanche.  This film is FUCKING BORING.

I mean, it starts out OK-ish but they spend ENTIRELY too much time on the childhood part of things, they left out a LOT of the things that made the original a gruesome enchantment and they dumbed down the symbolism WAY too much.  To top it off, they changed the entire second half of the movie.  It's almost unrecognizable in comparison.

This was me about halfway through.
Now, I wouldn't have a problem with this if it were done well but it really seems like they tacked on a psuedo-Final Girl aspect to the ending JUST to appeal to an American audience.  (SPOILER ALERT: In Pascal Laugier's version, Lucie dies and Anna becomes the titular martyr.)  I feel cheated.  I feel cheated by the LACK of extreme violence in this film that made the original disturbing and uncomfortable.  I feel cheated by the lack of intellectualism that went into making this film (which is ironic because the film (and the original) is a pretty good allegory about how religion shapes a secular world). 

Not subtle, folks.  Not subtle.
And, most of all, I feel cheated by making a slow burn out of something that was very fast-paced by cutting out a whole shit-ton of the good stuff and replacing it with lips and assholes.

Don't bother with this one, kids.  Set yourself up to read some subtitles and watch the original instead.  You'll thank me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Flames... On the Side of My Face...


Am entirely too forgiving a person.

Yet again, I find myself in need of a Hooters tank top, a 40, a cop and a film crew so that they can capture my "But he didn't mean nuthin' by it, he loves me!" moment even though we all know that he hates my fucking guts. Of course, we can't always get what we want, which is why YOU'RE here.

To help me fulfill my dream of being a professional complainer.


I knew better.

I knew better going into this thing that I was gonna fucking hate it.  I knew that HACK, Eli Roth, was going to give us a flaming turd again.  I knew that I was going to watch privileged white kids get eaten which, by itself, isn't a bad thing but FUCK ME if I didn't want to serve these fuckers in a stew myself.

Awwww... someone nabbed a hair extension!  I wanted that!
Now, we all know that this is a throwback to Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Ferox (both of which are pretty fucking awful in their own right but that grindhouse kind of awful that we expect and love) but, seriously, Roth, the point of making this kind of movie is to IMPROVE the genre, not eat it from the inside out.

From the screaming, iPhone-attached, daddy's money white kids to the utterly imperialistic and racist portrayal of "cannibal brown people" to the lack of respect for film making and the horror genre, this is a goddamn BARKER.

This does not look well-researched.
I don't even know why I'm spending so much time with you on this.  Run.  Fucking.  Screaming.  From.  This.

For real.  Don't waste your time. 

Eli Roth owes me anal sex for this.  I'm serious.

Monday, February 29, 2016


This past week has brought me so much pain.

No, I'm fucking serious.  First Fuller House happens, which, by the way, do not fucking pass go, do not fucking collect $200, good LORD that shit was awful.  And then I find out that the goddamn CABIN FEVER remake has already happened and is on my fucking On Demand selections.

And, of course, like a dumbass with fetal alcohol syndrome, I had to watch it.  Because I thought that there might be SOMETHING that could be done to improve on the steaming pile that is Eli Roth's magnum-fucking-opus.

Just kill me, OK?  I would rather tap-dance on the lip of a volcano in butter shoes whilst trying to fend off the advances of a love-struck orangutan and pierce Queen Elizabeth's clit at the same time than watch this shit again.  But I did it.  For YOOOOOOOOUUUU!

Just look at all of this entitlement all in one place.
And, you know what?  There's not even a need to go over the plot to this one because I'm PRETTY SURE that Travis Zariwny didn't get enough time off of his Eli-Roth-Dick-Suckin' knees to actually direct a shot-for-fucking-shot remake which means that Travis Zariwny got a whole lot of chapped lips for the easy way into Hollywood as a director, passing off someone else's work as your own.  Eli Roth.  You're supposed to TEACH THEM, not give them the so incredibly wrong answers.

Worst.  Mentor.  Ever.

THEY LEFT IN THE PANCAKES KID FOR FUCK'S SAKE!  Granted, they did leave out the surreal karate sequence but, fuuuuuuck, seriously?

I'd tell you to eat me, you little psychopath, but you're already a biter.

No.  NO, children!  I will not stand for this any longer. 

Every single person with their name attached to this film should be dragged behind a speeding yacht and used as chum on a shark sight-seeing tour.

Done.  I'm DONE.


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Pride and... something...

I am SO sorry.  Life has been stupid lately, up to and including recovering from having my tonsils taken out.

For realsies.

Not even joking.

Something that should have happened when I was 5.

It was about a month ago and I'm still on a predominantly liquid diet.  This precludes popcorn which makes me very, very sad.

Gummy bears are not a pleasant option at this point.

ANYWAY!  You don't need to hear me complain.  You want gore and sleaze and a reminder that you're good enough, you're smart enough and, gosh darn it, your opinions as a horror movie fan matter.

You're not getting the last one.


Because, seriously, kids, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies did NOT get the love it deserved from the press. 

If you're looking for action?  This is for you. 

If you're looking for prim, urbane comedy?  This is for you. 

If you're looking for a reunion of half of the Game of Thrones cast while George R. R. Martin futzes around instead of writing The Winds of Winter?  This is for you. 

If you're looking for girls in floor-length, empire-waist gowns and corsets kicking zombies in the head while exhibiting all of the niceties and manners of the Regency-period upper-middle class while searching for husband material?  This is for you.

I mean... if you can deliver a roundhouse kick with all that fabric in your way, more power to ya.

If you're looking to be at all scared? 

This is not for you.

No, really.  I'm classifying it as horror-comedy because that's what it is.  This should be appreciated along the same lines as Young Frankenstein and Love at First Bite.  It's delightfully silly.  It's even sillier than the book, when it comes down to it, although they left out the part about luring zombies into place with cauliflower (which hurt me a little on the inside).  Scary, though, it is not.  There is not one iota of fear to be found, here.

Now, it's been a while since I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies so I'm not going to talk about any major plot changes (because does it matter?).  What I AM going to talk about is the sheer awesomeness of the concept.

This, kids, is one of the best "Read a Book" movies I have ever witnessed.  Not only does it give the audience a reason to read THIS book, but it reminds them that there was another source that is just as good (if not better because Pride and Prejudice isn't considered a classic of literature for nothing).  Take something that your normal high-school kid wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, add zombies and Voila!  Instant time spent under the covers after lights out with a flashlight and some Twizzlers.

And maybe a penchant for waistcoats and cravats.
The grand romance of P&P is still there.  The cautious, intelligent and protective female lead is still there.  The silly, lovestruck and boy-crazy sisters are still there.  The idea that one should marry for love, not duty is still there.  They've just included a bit of ACTUAL prejudice in the form of the undead and that's the game-changer and that's what makes this such a fun ride.

It's dry humor.  So very dry.  Drier than my grandmother's Thanksgiving turkey, but it's not an unattainable level of intellectuality. I firmly believe that movies like this, even though they are SERIOUSLY messed up in terms of what they've done to the source material (but being an iconoclast, I don't care), enhance your education.

That's why this movie makes me happy. 

It's not going to win an Oscar but, then again, neither is Leonardo DiCaprio, sooooo...

Go!  Enjoy this frippery!  It's good for you!

(*This post brought to you through the auspices of avoiding profanity for the sake of making a point about period pieces.*)