Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Hand Job

So.  Picture it.  1981.  Mustaches and huge pubic forests are still figured heavily in porn.  Madame Mao is sentenced to death in China.  Peter Sutcliffe is found guilty of the Yorkshire Ripper murders.  The first recognized cases of AIDS hit hospitals.  Pastelle separates and felt berets are a real thing.  Monchichis and Strawberry Shortcake haunted our nightmares.  Clash of the Titans lorded over our dreams.

And Oliver Stone wrote a horror movie that starred Michael Caine.

I really have no idea why I remember The Hand.  I'd only seen it once before I rewatched it for you guys.  There's not a whole lot about it that's game-changing in the world of horror.

In any case, the story follows a cartoonist who, during the course of a fight with his wife over the direction their marriage is going, loses his hand in a car accident.  The hand itself, is kind of psychotic which is reasonable since all it did was draw a Conan ripoff for ten years.  I'd be pissed, too.  So, we follow this man through the course of his relationship and his recuperation and discover that he's really quite insane.  It's totally a thing.

HA!  "Thing"  See what I did there?

Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
As he's recuperating, and discovering his madness, the hand decides to take things into it's own grubby digits and starts offing people and scaring the cat so bad it actually launches itself out of a window.  Suicidal cat scares are totally the worst,.by the way.  Fuckin' directors.

So.  Umm.  That's it.  Yeah, there's the wife fuckin' around with her "spiritual coach" and Caine himself fuckin' around with one of his students as revenge and then there's the ickiness of the lingerie to consider but that's the story.  All of it.

Who goes to a professor's house uninvited and proceeds to flash their tater tots within the first 5 minutes, anyway?

I wish there was more to say about this.  It's well-written and well-acted which are bonuses but you kind of feel no sympathy for the guy.  His life is falling apart around him, not the least event of which is trying to cope with the loss of a limb, and, yet, you just want to get him off of his lazy ass and tell him to suck it up even though we ALL know that this guy is devastated and should be cut a little slack.  I mean, he got the awesome robot arm and shit.  He's Steve fuckin' Austin and all he does is whine and get all maudlin and morose and "You're not taking my kid away from me."  (Said kid, by the way, played the young Christina Crawford in Mommie Dearest.)

On the other hand, (spoiler alert) the wife SERIOUSLY deserved it.  She gave NO reason for her wanting to leave except she was being all Yoga-nutty and felt unappreciated but she didn't actually recognize and appreciation she DID get.  The two of them probably shouldn't have married to begin with.

Kind of OK with these folks ending up here.
And everybody else that Cain interacts with, barring the prosthetician that gave him the sweet robot masturbator, were utter dicks.  They started nice but every single fucking one of them displayed a selfishness on everyone's part.  Even the daughter's.

Yeah.  Biting is going to stop an undead hand.  You go ahead with that.
I do still like it, but that's due to nostalgia over anything else.  This is one of those "Your Mileage May Vary" flicks.  It's not great but it's not good, either.  It does give us a nice look at Stone and Caine's early career, though, and I appreciate that.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Stop Screwing With The Damn Sharks!

Sorry for the delay, kids.  I would have had this out sooner but my car is being a little bitch.

ANYWAY!  There are times when it gives me great pleasure to bring you something that I like, even if I like it for exactly the wrong reasons.

Such is the case with the 1999 Shark masterpiece Deep Blue Sea.

Granted, there isn't a whole lot to compare it to in the "killer shark" subgenre but, hey, I do what I can.

This tasty little snack showed up on the scene in 1999 with it's easter eggs and it's LL Cool J and its pre-Hung sexiness Thomas Jane all shirtless and wet and... ummm... wait.  I lost...  Uh... What was I saying?

OH!  Yeah.  Right.  Got a little distracted in my salty bits there for a minute.

SO... yeah.  I actually liked Deep Blue Sea a lot.  Not because it was Oscar-caliber.  Not because it actually set women's depictions in movies BACK a few decades.  Not because it had awesome special effects (which it did, for the time, but that's beside the point).  No, none of those things.  I liked it because, as much as it tried to be brainy, it was easier to take if you didn't think about the WHY and focused on the HOW.

Like HOW can I get Thomas Jane shirtless and wet in my bedroom?
Here's the sitch with the story.  Samuel L. Jackson owns a pharmaceutical company.  He wants to know how Saffron Burrows is doing with her miracle Alzheimer's research because, duh, everybody's all interested in that shit.  (Shut up!  That link is totally appropriate there.)  Thomas Jane is the bad boy smuggler all turning his life around and pulling license plates previously swallowed by other sharks from the jaws of deadly Tiger sharks and being all swoon-worthy and shit.  LL Cool J is a damn cook.  Because racism.  Stellan Skaarsgard is the absent-minded professor who pees where everybody can watch.  And some other people.

See?  People.  Being all science-y.
Of course, in classic Hollywood style, nothing can just be fucking normal so a perfectly normal day trip to Sharkschwitz to visit the workings of Mrs. Mengele turns into the storm of the fucking century and, OHNOES!  The sharks have the average intelligence of a fucking toddler thanks to Burrows and her decision to be a damn deity and, therefore, are fucking ninjas.  They not only figure out how to get out of their respective areas in the compound, they figure out how to get INTO the compound and have the idiot monkeys blow up the pylons for them so they can get out of the compound altogether (since the titanium cages that held them (with no roofs) will now be underwater) because THESE experimental animals were never meant to be sterile and the whole world needs a swarm of hyper-intelligent sharks who will therefore be our aquatic overlords because you KNOW those bitches will be figuring out head-lasers and robotic legs right-fuckin'-quick.

Hell, they already figured out how to cull the herd.
So, anyway, the whole movie is "How do we stop the sharks?  No, wait, how do we get out?  No, wait, how do we stop the sharks?"  It's like the horror movie equivalent of Benny fucking Hill.  I expected Yakkity Sax to start playing at any moment!  But, you know what?  That's OK.  If THEY'RE confused, I'M amused and that makes having to put up with Saffron Burrow's neoprene-ensconced Victoria's Secret bearable.

Her secret?  No silicone in THOSE jugs.
Now, to be fair, she DID use the rubber suit to insulate herself from electrocution.  I said she was anti-feminist not stupid.  Well, maybe a LITTLE stupid since she didn't stop to consider the consequences of, oh, I don't know, TRIPLING THE COGNITIVE RESOURCES OF AN APEX PREDATOR IN ITS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT.  Well, not its natural environment but close enough to it to legitimately plot an escape route and follow through on that plan!

With as much stupid as there is just lying around like a frathouse after a kegger, the plot is pretty tight.  There aren't any large plotholes and, frankly, any movie where I get to see Sam Jackson get nommed on by a genetically-enhanced Mako shark is fuckin' A-OK in my book.  Not because I dislike Mr. Jackson.  I just like to see everybody get their share of the stupid.  I'm a giver.  It's what I do.  It's what I LIVE for.

Tastes like chicken and waffles!  (Ooooh, that's racist.  BAD BOB!  Bad.  No cookie.)
So, to wrap this up, Deep Blue Sea is not better than Jaws and, frankly, if Sharknado didn't exist, this would still only be in the top ten.  As it stands, though, this is probably my third favorite shark flick after the first two Jaws movies because it's silliness-on-a-stick and I don't think it cares that it looks foolish.  I appreciate that in a shark movie.

I say haul anchor and sail this one on home, boys and girls.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

How the Mighty Have Fallen

We've talked a lot about Peter Benchley here but this isn't about him.  It's about how producers and directors completely forget how to fucking feed a cash cow.

After Jaws 3-D came out (which was fucking brilliant in its suckitude), I don't think the world WANTED a new Jaws film because, seriously, the next step was either gonna be Disneyland or this.  We got this.  A shark REVENGE film.  It says so right in the title.  "This time it's personal" it says.  A shark, who been done wrong by humans, follows the Brody family in order to eat them all like the tasty tidbits they really should have been two movies ago.

It manages to get one of them and, fuck you, I cheered.  What police officer goes out on a boat alone KNOWING that he's been face to face with the shark that his dad electrocuted AND had it's spawn follow him and his brother to Sea World.  SEA WORLD!  In case you're wondering, not ONCE does Sea World get mentioned in this fourth installment and, goddamn it, I want to know why.

So does Ellen Brody.
Speaking of Jaws 3-D, why the hell did they replace both of the Brody boys with actors that were much younger than the versions portrayed in the previous film?  Oh, that's right.  They wanted to pretend the third movie never happened.  Assholes.

So, yeah.  The shark follows a grieving mother and her family to the fucking Bahamas where, it's said, they don't go.  Which is kind of a lie because they've been found in nearly all coastal and offshore waters that have a temperature between 54 and 75 degrees Fahrenheit.  ANYWAY.  It FUCKING FOLLOWED THEM because it had a vendetta.  Sharks, to date and to all known science, are not fucking telepathic.

Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada.
Michael Caine needs to have not been anywhere near this one.  His "paycheck pictures" are legendary but fuuuuuck.  I'm surprised they haven't made the producers edit him out of the movie, yet.  For serious, the man skipped out on ACCEPTING HIS OSCAR because he was filming this trash.  And Mario Van Peebles?  I have no idea why he's even in this because the fucker wrote his own part.

Lorraine Gary and Michael Caine's matching hairdos think this is hilarious.
This movie, by the way, is comedy gold, even if it does suck out loud.  Richard Jeni's act in the 80s used Jaws: The Revenge as a substantial part of his act.  Because no comedy writes itself faster than a stupid horror movie with an unacceptable premise and horrible acting on all parts.

I would have been perfectly OK with seeing the kid get eaten, here.
From the Banana Boat girl whom you can SEE actively puts her leg in Bruce's mouth to the airplane water landing that should have killed all of the passengers, the sheer unbelievableness of this is what kills me.  Yeah, we expect the rubber shark, although, it probably should have shown up much less and I think it's only there so some effects guy can say "There, I fixed it", but fuck, really?  You couldn't have just written new characters or expanded on 3-D?

Laziness.  Pure fucking laziness.

Once again, do not make a drinking game out of this.  You will die.  A lot.  Your liver will actively go on strike and walk out of your body under its own power.

It's known as "The Worst Sequel of All Time" for a goddamn reason.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Irrational Childhood Phobia Number One

Hello.  And thank you for joining us for Shark Week.  Today we will learn about the Selachimorpha (or Selachii) clade of the oceanic kingdom and why they delight us so.

Or, rather, let's take a minute to talk about sharks because I'm one of those assholes that researches what terrifies him so he can take a trip to the beach and not hyperventilate on the sand and make people look at him like a goddamn freak.

Sharks are cartilaginous fish that are pretty well known for being apex predators even though most of them, patently, are not.  They also freak most of the world out which is pretty fuckin' badass for an animal with no bones.

In case you don't know what "apex predator" means, it's pretty much what it says on the tin.  They are at the top of the food chain.  That means that almost nothing fucking hunts them (besides us) and if they do, they're gonna get such a kickin' that it's probably not all that worth it.

Anyway, there are currently over 470 species of shark and this doesn't include the freaky extinct kind.  They range in size from the extra hugeness (the Whale Shark, Rhincodon typus, which can reach 40 feet long from nose to tail or larger) to extra-cutey-wooty-itty-bitty tiny (the Dwarf Lanternshark, Etmopterus perryi, a deep sea dogfish that reaches a maximum length of 8.3 inches and belongs in a fucking Pok√©ball). 

Not a Dwarf Lanternshark.
Sharks are found in all oceans and seas and are common in depths down to about 2000 meters.  In case you were wondering if that kept you safe in freshwater, you would be extra-fucking-wrong.  The Bull Shark and the River Shark can survive in both saltwater and freshwater.  A Bull Shark is thought to have been responsible for the Jersey Shore attacks of 1916 since some of them occurred in brackish and fresh water.

Instead of scales, sharks have water are called "dermal denticles".  which protect them from parasites and improve their swimming speed like that asshole that shaves his body hair before riding his bike.  Let's take a look at the term "dermal denticles", shall we?  It literally means "skin teeth".  Sharks have teeth on their fucking SKIN!  This is why you don't want to rub a shark the wrong way.  It would be like petting a rotating sander.

Oh, and let's talk about teeth.  Because TEETH!  Sharks have HUNDREDS of them and they're on a fucking conveyor belt.  They lose one, another shuffles on up to be America's Next Top Molar.  They do not have roots like mammalian teeth do and are just kinda half-stuck in the gums.  Depending on the diet of the shark, they will have a different shape and function.  Sharks that feed on crustaceans and molluscs have wide flat teeth.  The ones we're concerned with are all pointy and serrated.  Like a damn steak knife. 

Concerned shark is concerned.
Sharks have been around for, literally, millions of years and their basic form hasn't changed much at all.  Still streamlined, still fast, still toothy.  The oldest White shark teeth come from around the time the dinosaurs went extinct and we know that sharks existed as far back as the Ordovician period.  There are some ancient sharks showing up (always off the coast of Japan for some reason...) that show us that not ALL sharks are classically represented but, for the most part, the shark has that "Blue Water, White Death" feel across the board.

The Frilled Shark.  Also known as "GAH, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"
Now, all of this isn't to say that all sharks are maneaters but people tend to gravitate toward the mean and toothy for some reason.  There are sharks that are, for lack of a better word, adorable.  The Australian Ghostshark is a "chimera"-type shark that scientists believe is linked to the rise of the bony vertebrates.

Muh momma done tol' meeee... to get somethin' fer dinnerrrrr.

So, how did WE get all galeophobic? (Galoephobia comes from the Greek term Galeos which is a type of dogfish with weasel-like markings and also means "small shark".  Why it inspired the name of a soul-crushing fear, we may never know.)  Well, probably when we figured out that the ocean has tasty things to eat.  When mankind started fishing the oceans, we found out that there are some fishes that, while they're all yummylicious, pack a nasty punch.  And they punch with their teeth.  And they probably don't even mean to eat you but large, ocean-bound animals don't have hands so what do they use to explore their surroundings with?  Their mouths.  They have to be all "Hey, what's this and can I eat it" like your dog when he finds the remote.  They give what's known to scientists as an "exploratory bite".  I'm relatively certain that it only took one of these, accompanied by the hurty-pain and death by blood loss through the femoral artery, to convince us that we should stay the fuck out of the water when we see a large triangular fin cutting through the surface.

So, that brings us to horror movies.  Yes, the fear of sharks is a real thing (because we don't like the thought of being eaten and, let's face it, we may be top of the heap on land but the minute we enter the water, we're bait) and, of course, Hollywood is going to exploit that like they do with any kind of "Nature's Revenge" films.  While sharks had been represented in film, they weren't really used as an antagonist in any real way until the 70s.  Starting with Blue Water White Death in 1971 (which was actually a documentary), Hollywood began using the shark to its natural advantage to make us shit our collective knickers.  Underwater cameras are expensive, though, and it's kind of hard to get a shark to emote on cue so there had to be a leap in special effects to get us to really feel the terror.  Enter Jaws.

 Now, we all know that Bruce, the mechanical shark used in Jaws did not function correctly which is why Spielberg got Ron and Valerie Taylor (the couple behind Blue Water White Death and inventors of the chain mail anti-shark suit) to film some of the underwater sequences including some fantastic Great White shark footage that did not actually end up in the film.  Spielberg decided to go with a stalker-y feel rather than actually show the monster which led to the movies fantastic success.  Jaws is known as the first Summer Blockbuster for a reason and led to a streamlining of film distribution.

Fish are food, not friends.
After Jaws, there were a lot of copycats.  Tintorera, based on a Tiger shark, is hilarious just because it's made so badly and there are a lot of Mexican butts in it.  Watch that shit on YouTube, man.  It comes in about fifteen 9-minute blocks so it's kind of a pain but it's worth it.  It also can't decide if the language should be Spanish or English.  Great White a.k.a The Last Shark was an Italian rip-off made in 1980.  It was released very briefly in the States in 1982 but it was SO plagiarism-tastic that it had to be pulled due to a lawsuit from Universal.  The original Pirahna, was meant to be a spoof of Jaws and Alien was pitched as Jaws in space. Orca was Jaws with a Killer Whale and infused with Moby Dick.

While the Jaws movies reigned supreme at the box-office (for a given value of "shark movie) through the 70s and 80s (and, seriously, Jaws: The Revenge killed that franchise but good and I'll talk about that later), we didn't see a lot of shark movies until the late 90s and 2000s due to the enhancement of special effects, particularly with the advent of CGI.  This didn't make them all GOOD, mind you but there are some standouts.  Deep Blue Sea, which I'll be covering later this week, was among the best of them with it's tale of genetically engineered Mako sharks and an underwater laboratory.  And that, my friends, is what happens when we cover TWO societal fears.  Fear of sharks and fear of what happens when we tamper with natural design.  See that?  You get eaten by a two-ton torpedo with teeth that can out-think your happy ass.

And now we have SyFy stupidness like Sharknado, Ghost Shark, Sand Sharks, Two-Headed Shark Attack, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad astra, forever and ever.

So, for about 40 years or so, now, sharks have been placed, on and off, directly back into our subconscious minds, all sneaky-like, to keep us from wasting our money on a beach vacation where we will avoid the water like the plague because prehistoric fucking hell-beasts who have been basically unchanged since the dawn of time will gnaw at our ankles. 

I'm guessing that they really like the taste of a Coppertone tan.

Fortunately for me, I burn, freckle and peel.  Maybe I won't taste good since I don't come pre-baked.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Peter Benchley is a Little Obsessed.

Peter Benchley, as you all should know, is the author of Jaws and deserves his place in shark movie history.  After that, though, it was all shitty, unauthorized foreign remakes and sequels that were not... ummm... good.  We'll get to that later this week. 

The late 90s, though, for some damn reason, were all about the Peter Benchley miniseries.  Well, at least two of them.  First, there was The Beast in 1996, all about a giant squid and 1998s Creature took a step beyond "shark".  It's still Shark-Adjacent, though, so that's why it's here.

Now, before I get into the movie, the book it was based on, White Shark, was kind of fucking amazing and is definitely worth a read even if it's just a "guilty pleasure" book.

No, seriously.  Read the book.  Because it's better than this half-assed TV movie.

We're pensive...
So, here's the dillio in the movie.  The Navy's been playing around with DNA and creates a human-great white hybrid.  It gets loose and it's up to Craig T. Nelson, his (ex?) wife and their unruly 15 year old on roller blades to stop it with the help of their islander cabana boy and the crazy dick that let it go to begin with.  Plus the Navy wants to make sure this story never gets out.

It takes about three and a half hours to tell this story. 


But it has some awesome props.

Well, not too badly because I was at least able to sit through it and the creature effects were kind of awesome in that "obvious puppet" kind of way but it's certainly not anything to write home about.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some Craig T. Nelson and Kim Catrall but fuck if this wasn't some middle of the road trash saved only by the presence of Stan, the Monster Man, Winston.and his totally phoned in creature effects.

Now, in the book  the experiment was decidedly World War II German in origin but I'm thinking that the studios couldn't put an obvious "Nazis attempt world domination" plot on the tube without damaging relations with Germany and starting some kind of Aryan resurgence because they think people are stupid and can't wrap their heads around the fact that the Germans really did some fucked up shit and would have a hard enough time with accepting that this thing survived 25 years rather than 60 without getting all freaky with an actual shark.  This plot point, by the way, is only mentioned once and is promptly forgotten about.  Because dumbness.

In the meantime, though, we have the wife's research which takes up about 5 minutes of screen time to A) provide a MacGuyver moment that ends badly and B) to show Kim Catrall playing with a sea lion.  (You may Rule 34 this for yourselves.  I'm not playing that game today.)

How YOU doin'?
Plus the editing left some things to be desired.  I kept seeing jumps that led me to believe that there were serious continuity flaws that were either created or horribly covered up.  They pained me.

So, yeah.  If you need to kill time or you have a need to make fun of late 90s board shorts, this is the movie for you.  It's really nothing special and it had the potential to be awesome.  It just fell flat. 


Monday, August 11, 2014

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Blog.


That's right, bitches, we're covering the reason we won't go into the water all week.  Sleek, blue aquatic missiles with teeth.  Apex predators who want to eat our faces.  Well, maybe not OUR faces in real life since more people die of bee stings and lightning strikes every year than shark attacks but you know what I'm saying.

So, yeah.  In preparation for this week, I sat my happy ass on the couch and turned off my brain, yesterday (FINALLY) and binge watched BOTH Sharknado flicks for you.

Syfy movies have caused me to lose faith in humanity, for reals.

"Hey!  Let's take something that's already awful and horrifying and combine it with something EQUALLY awful and horrifying and put them together like an awful and horrifying Reese's cup and make a movie about it!"  This appears to be The Asylum's go-to strategy and, fuck if I know why, it works for them.  Those bitches HAVE to be laughing all the way to the bank.

Now, let's get this straight right off the bat, kids.  These are PAINFULLY bad movies.  So let's keep that in mind as we move along, shall we?

Hey, look.  A lifeguard working on an ex-Baywatch alum... who doesn't know what a tourniquet is.
Sharknado starts with a completely throwaway thing about a shady fisherman and his equally shady Asian business associate who are trying to out-shade each other without knowing that the titular sharknado has already begun (Yes, tornados can suck up sea life, by the way... it just doesn't remain living while it's in there and the worst thing that would happen is you getting smooshed by a couple hundred pounds of dead fish).  Both of them get their faces chewed.

Then, there's bad surfing by Ian (pronounced EYEan... like a douche) Zeiring whose character's name is Fin (fucking seriously?),  the handsome, Tasmanian best friend, Baz, getting nibbled on enough to get him a big bandage (and the keys to my bedroom but that's only because Jaason Simmons is hot and plays for my team), the girl who's all shark-hatey for some vague reason that isn't explained until almost the end of the movie and the main guy getting all "shit's going down but we don't know why so I have to save my family even though Tara Reid and her giant saggy nipples still can't act her way out a paper bag and hates me now because we divorced for some stupid reason that's never fully explained."

She likes guns.

Then it's all OHNOES!  Los Angeles is flooding, Los Angelinos apparently gather in small groups when things get wet and then complain about the non-existent traffic problems and people that live near a beach know nothing about getting out of the water!

By the way, can someone tell me how a house on TOP of a hill gets flooded enough to garner a fucking shark in the living room?  One that is shown to have adequate drainage just below it? 

So, yeah, off to rescue more people.  Tara "Unfortunate Boob Job" Reid gets all "You're saving people and this is why I divorced you" and Cousin Oliver has a lame panic attack and gets smooshed by the Hollywood sign.  They reach the field where the eldest child is taking flight lessons (also, really unexplained) where they gather their forces and plan to send explosives into the sharknados.  Because science.

Then this happens.

Wait, what?
And this:

Yep.  Jumps right up in there.  Like Jordan with a chainsaw.
Freaky birth analogy happens because that shark he jumps into?  It's the one that ate shark-hater girl.

ANYWAY!  On to round two where there's already been a book published and the reconciled couple goes to New York for TV appearances and, basically, everybody and their damn mother wants a fucking cameo and that's what the second one is about.

Nope.  Still lost in that paper bag.
Yep.  Sharknados take Manhattan.  Like the damn Muppets.  Which is totally funny because the CGI guys need to fuck right the hell off.  Because their CGI-Fu is weak and the sharks look less convincing than a Muppet.  We could have had Elmonado and it would have looked better.

Did we mention the cameos?  They got the entire fucking Today show cast, Biz Markie, the dude from Shark Tank, Judd Hirsch DRIVING A TAXI, Kelly Osbourne, Kurt Angle, Downtown Julie Brown, Billy Ray Cyrus, that Subway asshole, Perez Hilton, Kelly Ripa, Rachel True, Richard Kind, Andy Dick, Sandra "Pepa" Denton, Robert Klein, Robert Hays (The pilot?  Really?) and anybody else they could get 5 minutes with in New York.  TOO MUCH!

Plus Vivica A. Fox looking all street 'n' shit and being named "Skye" because combined the two characters, had they married, would have made "Skye-Fin" which is just way too deep for this movie.
Oh, and did I mention Mark McGrath with his ALSO horrible plastic surgery?  Because he's the brother-in-law.  Why did Syfy make me stare at his ugly mug for 2 hours?  Why?

So, anyhoo, all of this is a giant clusterfuck of delicious awfulness.  Every single one of these people just phoned these movies right the fuck in and I'm kind of glad they did.  It lent to that intentional unintentional hilarity that you would expect from movies with Sharknado in their title.  I don't ever want to watch them AGAIN, mind you, but these movies and a couple of Hot Pockets kept me entertained for a few hours.  Badly entertained.  Because they seriously strapped a buzzsaw to Tara Reid's arm and made this happen on the roof of an F.D.N.Y firetruck all Matrix-y.

I don't know HOW the Hot Pockets people don't get sued for mouth damage, by the way.  You can let those fuckers chill out for an hour and you'll STILL burn your lips.

Yeah, so, uhhh... I'm not saying to skip these because you get what you pay for.  In fact, I'm saying to watch them because the awfulness is so hilarious that it could bring a suicide back from the ledge.  You think YOU'VE got it bad?  Take a look at the careers of THESE assholes.

Monday, August 4, 2014

I.. I can't even...

I'm TRYING to watch Sharknado for you.

It hurts.

A lot.

It's coming, though.