Don't say I didn't warn you.
Today on Tropefest, since we've already covered the vampire's mortal enemy, the werewolf, today I'm going to pick up my own slack and cover vampires themselves. Evil, bloodsucking, undead purveyors of pestilence. Mysterious lords of legions of fawning minions. And, apparently, glittery homosexuals.
|With horrific Slavic accents.|
According to those tales, vampires were the undead remains of previously living evil beings; witches, werewolves, suicide victims, etc., but they could also be brought about through spiritual possession of a corpse or, of course, being bitten by any of the above. And, because of the fear of these things, mass hysteria ensued and there were public executions of people believed to be vampires.
|Like this handsome fellow.|
- Bloated in appearance
- Ruddy skin (attributed to the recent drinking of blood) or very, very pale skin
- Long fingernails and hair
- Fangs (these didn't show up until later in fiction)
- An absence of reflection in a mirror
- Evening wear and an attraction to flowing lingerie on balconies (also, much later)
- Can be killed by sunlight, stake, decapitation, drowning (can't cross running water), fire, Silver or holy symbols.
- Garlic allergy
- Arithmomania (must count things)
- Can't cross running water
- Must have an invitation to enter your home
- Enhanced strength and speed
- Enhanced senses
- Enhanced healing, flight
- Telekinesis or other psychic powers
- Control of animals
|And, apparently, an allergy to vodka and decent haircuts.|
As for the bat thing? Bats are just creepy. Well, creepy-cute. I think bats are fuckin' adorable.
|SEE!?! They need cuddles.|
|Y'ever get cum in yer eye, Gabriel? It BUUUUURNS.|
You mean you never noticed that pretty much all vampire stories from Varney the Vampire to Carmilla to Dracula all have sexual overtones? You haven't been paying attention. The suave aristocratic sexual predator who is MORE than willing to pass on his condition and you'd never know it unless you know the signs of the disease. The seductive lure of the nape of your neck or your inner thigh? The aforementioned affinity for lingerie on moonlit balconies?
|Short gym rats with inappropriate tattoos. (YES, this is a from a vampire movie. Wait for it.)|
For decades after that, we were treated to cloaks and waistcoats in both serious and comedic horror films through Universal and Hammer films. In the 80s, vampires went a little weird, though. The direct to video market brought us alien vampires (as in Lifeforce) and that was just... off.
|And so is she. Did you know she's a lawyer? Weird, right?|
I'll admit that I'm a fan of Interview with the Vampire and the rest of the Vampire Chronicles but fuck, for real? Because of her, vampires went from being a disease (one that, at least, her vampires are fully aware of and try to limit) to being fully fleshed out sexual beings who, whether or not they're trying to fight their hungers, just oooooooze sex out of every pore and teenyboppers and soccer moms just eat that shit right up. I swear, after From Dusk Til Dawn it got harder and harder to find a vampire movie where the vampires are actually monsters and not glitter-infused gay bait.
And it doesn't even stop at just a resemblance to gay eroticism. That picture up there? The one I warned you about? That's from a soft-core gay flick called Vampire Boys 2: The New Brood. So, not only is it soft-core gay porn but it's a goddamn SEQUEL!
|Are you shitting me?|
Urban fantasy can stay. Just quit with the inter-species, nec-romantic love-fest.