The Granddaddy of Them All

No Holiday Horror list would be complete without mention of everyone's favorite.  No film has created more controversy, had more imitators or fathered more clichés than 1978's John Carpenter masterpiece:

Halloween

With, at least according to critics at the time, a "duplicitous" style resembling Val Lewton, Brian De Palma and Alfred Hitchcock, a $300,000 budget and a relatively unknown lead actress named Jamie Lee Curtis, John Carpenter gave us the seminal slasher flick.

If you haven't seen this, SHAME ON YOU!

You all know the deal.  Michael Myers, who had killed most of his family while wearing a clown mask, escapes from the insane asylum to stalk his sister, Laurie, who's been adopted.  With him, he brings his own, personal nemesis, Dr. Loomis.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat for 7 sequels and 2 remakes.

Because everybody needs to be chased by a bald British gnome at some point in their life.

The sheer number of tropes that originated from this film are staggering.  This film single-handedly established that the killer is somewhat more than human, that babysitting is the most dangerous job on the planet and that sex and drugs are the leading cause of death among teenagers in horror films.  Seriously, if someone asks you to babysit, you'd better get some shit in writing first... like a rider allowing you to drop the kids and run at the first hint of danger and, oh, I don't know... your will.

A self-defense course couldn't hurt, either.

Write it off as a business expense.

Now, I know what you're going to say.  "Didn't Black Christmas already establish some of these?"

Yes and no.  These things (other than babysitting) were present in Black Christmas but the "cause and effect" parallels weren't there.  In Black Christmas, there didn't seem to be any kind of rhyme or reason to the killing.  In Halloween, we seem to get a kind of instant karma.  You see kids doing bad things, you see kids die.  It's a thing.

One thing that I find to be incredibly cool about this movie is that, much like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, there's minimal gore.  The idea of gore is there but this film relied on suspense, silence and some darn good music (y'know... when there wasn't silence...) to generate fear in the audience.  The fact that we spent a lot of the movie actually watching through Michael's eyes (yet another trope borrowed from Black Christmas, but refined and used in a much more effective way since Michael never made a sound) is enough to get our inner Shanaynay yelling at the stupid white woman on the screen to get out of the damn way. 

A little bit of trivia:  For those of you that are not aware, Jamie Lee Curtis was not the first choice to play Laurie Strode.  That was supposed to be Anne Lockhart, daughter of June Lockhart, but Carpenter ultimately cast Ms. Curtis because of her mother, Janet Leigh.  Psycho was a huge influence in this film.

And their hair is FABULOUS!

The same cannot be said of that abortion of a remake.  I do not want half of the damn movie to be backstory for the killer, I want murder and mayhem.  You, Rob Zombie, of ALL people, should get that.  I don't want to feel sympathy for evil, I want to feel fear of it. Plus, your wife SERIOUSLY needs to eat a damn sammich.

If you haven't seen this film you can just consider yourself looked at funny.  I don't even KNOW you, anymore. 

What are you waiting for?  Go!  Shoo!  Watch the movie!

Proper Date Attire

In the midst of the Slasher Renaissance of the early 80s, a film emerged that received a LOT of hype.  This film... was Canadian.  And that bothers me, somehow.

My Bloody Valentine.

Our neighbors to the North gave us this movie.  I KNOW!  I'm shocked, too!

My Bloody Valentine.  NOTORIOUS for having 9 minutes edited out by the MPAA for excessive violence/gore.  Came from Canada.  Mind.  Blown.  That's like acknowledging the existence of Canadian Hip-Hop.  We KNOW it's there, but nobody wants to touch it.  Eeeeeeew.

So, anyway, rather than risk getting mauled by angry Quebecois and drowned in a vat of cheese curds and gravy, let's continue.

The movie starts with a couple of miners.  In an attempt to make mining gear look sexy, one of the miners turns out to be *AUDIBLE GASP* a GIRL!  (Note:  the management acknowledges that girls can be miners.)  So, apparently, in a misogynistic attempt to nip that girl-mining thing in the bud, her partner impales her on a pick-axe.  There's really no other reason for it at this point in the movie.

Because every woman dreams of underwires and lace under mining gear.

The town of Valentine's Bluff is then seen preparing for a Valentine's Day dance because small towns in Canada really have nothing better to do than prepare for parties.  While they do so, we get vague allusions to past tragedy and learn that this is the first one they've had in quite some time.  I'm assuming this is because the town has been suffering from the great Poutine famine of the 60s and 70s. 

Enter  Harry Warden, the guy that got caught in a mining explosion 20 years ago.  He was left alive but unhinged and in protest killed a couple of  supervisors and tore out their hearts and left them in Valentine's candy boxes.  Because that's really the best way to air your grievances about a Workers' Comp claim in a country that has socialized medicine.

It looks a LITTLE like chocolate...

And then we get the "teenaged main characters" exposition while somebody gets another heart in a box (presumably "Inappropriately Dressed Girl's" from the opener).  Seriously, dude?  Still not the best way to get your point across.  HA!  "Point"...

Long story short, a lot of people die badly at the end of a pick-axe while avoiding saying the words "about" and "boat" and everybody assumes it's this Harry Warden guy.  It isn't. 

As much as I tease, this is actually one of the classics of the slasher genre and I like it a lot.  It has a fairly in-depth plot and good acting.  Their choice of Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia was perfect for filming in (and saved them TONS of funny-colored "money" in terms of building sets since they actually filmed in the mines, themselves) and the twist at the end, while somewhat expected, is still relatively shocking.  And, now that the 9 minutes that were cut have been restored, no collection is complete without it.

Just wear gloves.  You don't know where it's been.

I KID!  I HEART CANADA! 

DAT DAT DADADADADAT DA CIRCUS!

OK, I've already talked about clowns on here but what about the REST of the creepy circus?

The Circus of Fear (or whatever it's being called in whatever movie, book, whatever) is one of my favorite tropes and it's held a place in our hearts for, well, gosh, centuries.

Pleased ta meet'cha!

Well, maybe not the fear part, but circuses have existed since the Roman Empire.  See "circus" means circle or ring and the ones in Rome were used for animal exhibitions and chariot races.

Nowadays, the circus has animal acts but also feats of human daring-do, as well, what with acrobats and horseback riders and elephant trainers and lion tamers and so on.  (This type of circus didn't really develop until the late 18th century thanks to a Mr. Phillip Astley but Charles Dibdin and Charles Hughes were the first to call it a "circus".)  If you're lucky, your circus has a sideshow with the extra-special weird acts and human oddities.  And one of the biggest reasons I go to the circus is the off-chance that something horrible happens to one of these incredible performers... because I'm spiteful and jealous. I wish I was that strong and/or agile and/or bendy.

But when we look at the circus, there always seems to be something dark and mysterious about it and the reason is this:  We don't know these people.  They come into town, set up, perform something amazing and leave with only bits of popcorn, cotton-candy fluff and some stray flyers to mark their passing.  They are the modern day Gypsies and as such they are not to be trusted.

And, yet, that is the best wedding dress, EVER!!

This is going to be one of those tropes without a lot of  "movie" references, but it's still pretty pervasive.  It appears in plenty of literature such as the Cirque du Freak books, The Pilo Family Circus and one of the most iconic books/films of all time Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury.  It can still be found in film, though, in such AMAZING movies as Circus of Fear with Christopher Lee, The Devil's Carnival, Funhouse, Freaks, The Cabinet of Dr Caligari and Berserk with Joan Crawford.

Oddly, though, it shows up a LOT in music.  Yeah, we've got Insane Clown Posse and Emerson, Lake and Palmer's "Karn Evil 9" but as a sub-genre of dark cabaret, bands and performers like Emilie Autumn, The Dresden Dolls and Circus Contraption (which is more of a troupe, really, since they actually put on a full circus show) evoke this trope without a sliver of irony and I LOVE them!  Check out Circus Contraption's "Grand American Traveling Dime Show" and keep the lights on while you're listening. 

Circus Contraption:  No snark.  Love them.  LOVE THEM NOW!

This trope is a little difficult to get for some folks.  Yeah, it scares them, but they're not sure why.  Really, there's a lot more to this trope than meets the eye.  Yeah, there's the "stranger danger" angle as mentioned above but there's also the corruption of innocence, the "where are my kids?", the "I ran away to join the circus but what the hell did I get myself into?"... Often, when the piece is about the circus itself and/or its management, there's a very Faustian undertone.  Much like the circus itself, the bright colors and sequins often contain hidden, and treacherous, depths. 

D'awwwwww.

Those depths can lead to some pretty damn horrific and awesome fiction, though.

Ich Bin Ein Moron

Thi...

I...

Whu...

ELVES! 

What the FUCK did I just watch?

I mean, I saw Dan Haggerty and said "Grizzly Adams... this could be interesting" and then my world fell apart.

This is not a happy man, all beardy and cute, with a gentle bear friend and an avuncular, suede-covered fat man following him for no reason.  This is a failed Mall Santa.  This is what led him to officiating a wedding at a whorehouse.  This is the cinematic equivalent of meth addiction and it's sad.  SAD, I tell you!

There's a story, here, really... somewhere... and it goes a little like this:

The Nazis are planning global domination via a superhuman half-elf born to a (previously) virgin child of incest.  (OH!  Before I go further, I should tell you that there are no "elves" in Elves.  It's "elf".  Singular.  And more than that, it's a shitty hand-puppet in a damn Santa hat.  Much as I love puppets, this one hurt my soul.)

So, anyway, the deal is that one of the soldiers has to have a child via incest (because that makes the BEST breeding stock) that has to fuck an elf.

No, I'm not sure you heard that right.  The soldier has to father a child through incest.  This child then has to grow up and bone.  An ELF!

Specifically, THIS elf.

Even taking into account the elf in question, we all know that incest is not exactly the best route to evolutionary advancement.

So, 16 years pass by and the teenage-incest-daughter and some friends decide to pretend to be all Wiccan or pagan or satanic or whatever and they accidentally summon the elf.  Enter failed mall Santa, Dan Haggerty, who must then help the, apparently, suicidally stupid teenage-incest-daughter defeat the elf and her father/grandfather.

Yes, this song makes more sense to me, now...

Now, I'm all about making the Nazis look like the idiotic tools they were (and are, if you count the current Pope), but this goes beyond idiotic straight into the realm of  "My brain hurts."

Run away from this faster than a French border guard with new track shoes and a coupon for cigarettes.

Nipping at Your Nose

Sorry for the delay, kids.  Mitigating circumstances and all that.

ANYWAY!  Let's get right to work, shall we?

It seems to me that the mid-to-late 90s hated horror movie fans and the 1996 Michael Cooney schlockfest Jack Frost is example numero uno.

Yes, kids, the holiday season now has its very own magic snowman WITHOUT the benefit of Jimmy Durante and a silk top hat.   Oh, wait.  Did I say "magic"?  I meant mutant... as in "teenage" and "ninja turtles" complete with teratogen agent.

Yes, yes, dictionary purists, I know that "teratogenic" generally refers to developing fetuses BUT consider the root.  "Terato-" is Greek for "monster".

FYI:  This is from the Michael Keaton comedy of the same name.

Still freaked out by the talking snowman. 

So, anyway, the murderer dude, who actually IS named Jack Frost (thank you, booze-soaked failed Hollywood writers), is being transported for execution (natch) when the transport vehicle gets into an accident with a tanker containing genetic material.  Jack gets free of the wreckage but in the process gets doused with whatever genetic acid this crap is and is basically melted into the snow.

The sheriff, who is all "I can't rest until I know this guy is gone" and "Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked" to his obviously challenged son who can't cook OR deliver lines to save his life and, later, gets accused of murder, gets all rightly paranoid about Frost not being... y'know... actually dead.

 Look... Daddy, I... Made... youthe... William Shatner Special...

Aaaaaaaaaand, the rest is just a collection of the worst winter puns you and a first-grader can come up with.

Barring this movie's OBVIOUS comedic appeal, which, by the way, is pretty fuckin' magical, if you want to be SCARED, you should probably leave this one alone.  No, no.  If you MUST watch this film, watch it because it is quite possibly one of the best unintentionally hilarious films ever made, much like Mommie Dearest and Showgirls (which was a cinematic MASTERPIECE of "Oh, God, I didn't mean for that to be funny").

And when I say "unintentionally hilarious", I mean "they wrote this to be a comedy but what they wrote ain't the funny shit".

Plus, for all you American Pie fans, Here's Shannon Elizabeth being raped to death by a snowman.

And his carrot nose grew three sizes that day.

This movie is maybe not at the top of the "so bad it's fucking amazing" heap, but it's still a hell of a lot fun to heckle.

You guys should totally rent this for a tacky Christmas sweater party!  It goes great with eggnog!