Barrow: Worst Tourist Trap, EVER!

Sorry for the delay, kids.  Uncle Bob had to work.  DAMN that "real-life" thing!

Anyway, in the annuls of the "comics-to-film" genre, we don't often get horror but Steve Niles' 30 Days of Night was BEGGING to be transferred to film.

In case you are NOT aware of the comic, it comes in a handy omnibus form from IDW.  Go get yourself a copy and read it because it's kind of amazing.  I'll wait.

*Jeopardy Theme*

Ready?  OK, then.

30 Days of Night is kind of a very localized doomsday scenario.  Barrow, Alaska, in real life, experiences 65 days per year between November and January where the sun stays below the horizon.  This is known as "Polar Night" and is depicted fictionally as the "30 days".  (Just to be clear, Barrow gets a lot of twilight and night but not a lot of "day" during that time.)

Now, it appears that there is a global vampire conspiracy and it took the bloodsucking hordes THOUSANDS OF YEARS to determine that the polar areas get less sunlight.  Because vampires are, apparently, dumber'n'a box o' rocks.

Durrrrrrrrrrrr.

Barrow's sparse population is ravaged for a month by vampires that, thank Blogathotep, do NOT sparkle and, in fact, look like they stepped DIRECTLY out of the Uncanny Valley and don't even leave two tiny, neat holes.  If you have a throat you can basically consider it missing chunks.  They even have their own secret vampire language.  Because they're MONSTERS and that is the way it should be.  There's some kind of drama involving the sheriff and his ex-wife (because the idiots that produced it thought there should be some sexual tension instead of dealing with the loving couple that is presented in the comic).

OOH!  OOH!  Plus?!  There a little kid vampire who brings to mind both Gage from Pet Sematary AND Claudia from Interview with the Vampire!  Except she's not all pissy about the not aging thing.  That got old REAL quick. 

Suck it, Kirsten Dunst!

Now, for a simple plot, the movie has more holes in it than Swiss cheese but I don't think I have to remind anyone that cheese is delicious.  Seriously, don't put any more thought into this one than is required to giggle at the people who wince at a few axe blows.  This is bleak but it's kind of an over the top bleak that skirts the edges of "camp".  I like it a lot.

I will NOT, however, visit Barrow, Alaska.

This would be because snow is of the devil.

Shut Yer Hole

Today, kids, we're going to talk about The Hole.

Not THAT hole, you pervs.

THIS hole:

This annoying, cloying, saccharine sweet "family horror" flick that took 3 years to be released on video because it tastes like fail.

Joe Dante needs to be slapped in the dick for this, seriously.  I know he likes to make family-friendly horror films and that's OK because Gremlins was fucking amazing but this?  I don't even KNOW you, anymore, Joe Dante.

It's your basic, "finding weird shit in a new house" movie.  Kids move into new house, find trap door in basement, open it and release the evil in the form of the thing you're most afraid of.  Kids try and investigate the evil.  Kids find old dude who tells them exactly what kind of evil they've set loose.  Kids must put evil back.  Kids win the day because this is some Scooby-Doo bullshit.  Mom knows NOTHING about any of this.

 

Yep.  Evil.

No, really.  This OOZES bad syndicated cartoons.  (Not that Scooby-Doo is bad, it's just formulaic).

There is a character in this movie named Creepy Carl. The token girl is all "smart-girl-proto-feminist-reading-above-her-grade-level" (not a bad thing but "anvilicious" does not begin to cover it).  The younger kid is way too old to be begging his older brother to play with him.  Kids his age can find things to do by themselves.  The older brother (Chris Massoglia from Cirque du Freak)?  Just a douche with a Beiber haircut.  And, seriously?  If you FIND a locked wooden door that would look more in place in a castle dungeon than a modern garage, DON'T FUCKING OPEN IT! 

Did they listen?  Noooooo.

Really, Joe Dante? You're better than this.  Did you need to pay some medical bills?  Was the mortgage late?  Were you low on cocaine?  What sudden need for cash sank you to this level of film making?  This is not the late-80s/early 90s, anymore.  Kids are, much as you hate to admit it, more sophisticated than this.  No serious director would bring us this crap.  This is the shit you leave to the new guys.  If you HAD to make this, why didn't you punch it up and make it for Masters of Horror.  It feels like it would fit better there.

Seriously, I cannot tell you how much I hate this movie.  The Hole might be great for starting your kid on all things spooky, which is noble, but do yourself a favor and be in the next room while your kid watches it.  You'll feel better about it, trust me.
  

Better yet?  Sit your ankle-biter in front of Gremlins.  It's an infinitely better film.

And now you know.  And knowing is half the battle.  Go, Joe. 

No, really, Joe.  Go.  Away. 

Eye Scream, You Scream...

You know, I was gonna put a warning on today's tropiness but then, I figured, you people are horror fans.  If you were squeamish, you wouldn't be watching horror movies.

I was going to do this because today I'm covering a very primal fear.

The fear of something sharp and painful happening to our eyes. 

False eyelashes don't count, but the pick-axe does.

See, our eyes are inordinately important to us.  First and foremost because they are our primary sensory input other than touch.  There are things we won't eat because we don't like the look of them.  As that stupid MIO commercial says, we didn't like the look of chicken so we changed it to nuggets.  Our initial reaction to other people is how we see them.  How are they dressed?  Do they enjoy the benefits of hygiene?  We have our favorite colors because we can see them.  Basically, all of the wonder, splendor and danger of the world is experienced through the benefit of sight (not to offend the blind... they have other ways of experiencing these things). 

Here's the problem:  These wondrous gifts we call "eyeballs" are also the most delicate part of our bodies, being made up of mostly nerve tissue and water.  While they won't go all squishy and 'splodey when you touch them, like when putting in contact lenses for example, one quick stab with a pointy object and most likely you're looking at their destruction which leaves you, at the VERY least, unable to appreciate the aforementioned wonder, splendor and danger, let alone read this article.  Considering that the trauma to the eye in horror films generally doesn't END at the eye socket, you're probably going to wind up with an air conditioned brain-pan.

Hello, blue.  Meet brown.

This is yet another one of those tropes that's older than dirt for the reasons described above.  In any mythology, we have a number of characters that have their eyes damaged as some form of punishment or for other reasons.  Odin sacrificed his eye for supreme knowledge.  Oedipus blinds himself as punishment for doing the horizontal nasty with dear, old mum.  Horus, from Egyptian tales, gets his eyes gouged out TWICE.  It's a very effective punishment.

In literature, we not only have the classic fairy tale examples in Cinderella, Rapunzel and at least one example in the Arabian Nights, but Shakespeare gave us a classic (and particularly karmic) instance in the Earl of Gloucester from King Lear.  Out, vile jelly, indeed.  Even the Bible tells us "If thine eye offends thee" and this tradition continues throughout literature to this day.  Kids books get it, too.  *ahem*Coraline*ahem*

Out, vile makeup!

Fuck you, Eli Roth.

Now, when it comes to film, this obviously isn't limited to horror films as action films use it quite often, particularly in fight sequences, but, and I know you're shocked, I'm sticking to horror movies.  That's why you're here, right?

OK, I lied.  ONE example that's not a horror film.  The french arthouse surrealist film Un Chien Andalou gives us a horrific example using a cutthroat razor.  No, I will not show you a picture, you sick, little monkeys.  Because it was done with a real, although, not human, eyeball.

ANYWAY, in horror, this happens ALL OVER THE PLACE!  Six of the twelve Friday the 13th films have idiot teenagers getting stabbed in the eye.  Haunting in Connecticut?  Calipers and scissors.  Theater of Blood reenacts King Lear.  Final Destination 5 gives us lasik gone very, very wrong.  Robo-Geisha shows us the power of fried shrimp and May has Angela Bettis removing the lazy eye that caused her so much pain as a child.  Argento's Opera has the killer taping needles to a victim's lower eyelids to force her to watch as he murders her friends.  If she should blink, well, y'know...

Visine is your friend.

Suffice it to say that we don't like untoward things happening to our baby blues and horror directors will take advantage of us.  All the time.  No lube or nothin'.  Just fuck us right in our eye-sockets.  This is one of the most common tropes for a reason and that reason is because it always works.  Even watching the Three Stooges, we snicker behind our hands but we all know that getting poked in the eye hurts like a bitch.

I'll let you in on a little secret.  This is one of the few tropes that, when done right, trips my triggers. 

I happen to be fond of eyesight, thank you very fucking much, leave my eyes alone!

Balloon Animals and Gin

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  British Horror is kinda awesome.  That brings us to today's fucked-up-ed-ness, Stitches.

Anyone with coulrophobia may wish to leave.

 

Stitches tells us the story of the brats at a party that kill a clown by accident.  Granted he was a disgusting, gin-soaked (presumably... he certainly LOOKED like he was a drunk) wreck of a man in a clown suit who probably should never have been near children in the first place, but there's no reason he should have been stabbed in the eye (and out the brain pan), even accidentally, by children.  This death, of course, leaves the children traumatized and they develop their own quirks of dealing with it.  

There's the ultra-shy kid who's on Hypnocil (yes, the fake drug from Nightmare on Elm St.) and is afraid of clowns, the wicked flirt (male version, and he's not good at it), the pants-wetting practical joker, the mean girl, the nice goth girl, the stoner and the fat gay kid who is so stereotypical it makes me want to cry.  This has very little to do with the story, though, because, really?  The story is that there's a secret magical society of clowns that make sure that clowns finish their damn parties and if they have to be risen from the dead to do it, then, so be it.

What.  The fuck.

 

Totally not kidding.

This movie is fucking silliness on a stick.  It's not a perfect blend of horror and comedy and Ross Noble, as a fucking stand-up comedian, probably should have been funnier and stopped fucking mumbling, but I realize that he didn't write the script and it was an entertaining watch for what it was.

I was expecting a lot more out of it, though.  I mean, most of the deaths are clown-related.  Parasol through the back of the head.  Intestines made into balloon animals.  It's campy as fuck but it's not really  over-the-top which is why I'm a little disappointed. 

Most.  Disappointing.  Death.  Ever.

Plus?  FUCKING OBVIOUS CGI, EVERYWHERE!  Oh, MAN do I want to punch the asshole that decided to mix CGI and film without figuring out how to make it seamless first. 

Yeah, he's got a cute little clown nose pet that finds the kids for him but you can do that shit with a string and it would be FUNNIER! 

That said, it's got PLENTY in the way of practical effects that are... OK, and it DOES do a better job of hearkening back to the 80s slashers we all love so much but damn.  You've got an undead clown killing guests at a house party and nobody does anything about it?  No one notices a damn thing?  Seriously?  The pants-wetter gets his head kicked off his shoulders and into the pond and no one sees this? 

Except the fucking clown, but he doesn't count.

My gullibility has a threshhold.  You have exceeded it.

Yes, I know it sounds like I hate this movie but I really don't.  I like it, I really do.  There's just too much wrong with it for me not to bitch.  It is kinda worth it for the party-favor dick joke, though.

One mo' time.  Your mileage may vary.

Did NOT See That Coming...

Part of my dream is coming true!  I'm actually being ASKED to review stuff!  I hope the people that do this realize that I won't cut them any slack, 'cause I don't roll that way, but I'm still EXTRA flattered.

To lull these folks into a false sense of security, though (KIDDING), I'm perfectly OK with supporting indie horror in any way I can.  A lot of it is fresh and new and it may not be summer blockbuster but it's certainly worth a watch.  (Stick me with bad acting, audio that sounds like you filmed the entire movie in a locker room and an ultra-slow pace that tells me you can't edit, though, and I'll cut you.)

That said, Lawrie Brewster just let me in on his new film, Lord of Tears which needs a little help to get released.  Here's the trailer:

Now, I LOVE films like The Woman in Black and the old Hammer and Amicus stuff and this kind of has that feel to it so I'm pre-recommending this on the trailer alone with the proviso that it IS an indie film and it does not look perfect.  That is a perfectly OK thing and films that try to be too perfect usually end up sucking dead donkey dick.

You can find out more about Lord of Tears at its website:  www.lordoftears.com  or show it some love on Facebook.

Here's the thing, though.  They do need a little help, so if you can spare it, maybe consider kicking in a little at Kickstarter.  Every little bit helps, y'see, and this looks like it'll be a quality product.  They have some sweet doodads you can get for donating and a vid from Lawrie himself giving us a look into the film's making.

Plus he has an awesome accent.

In all seriousness, though, this looks like it'll be a lot of spooky fun and it's been my experience that indie horror from across the pond is TONS better than the indie horror made here.  Get into it, kids.

I Would Rather...

OK, kids!  I had a ton of fun with the other bloggers and we're already planning our next event so keep an eye out for that but, for now, we're back to business as usual.

That said, I'm thinking that the torture porn sub-genre has quite possibly run its course.  It also seems to me that under no circumstances should Brittany Snow be producing her own films.

Iris (Snow) is taking care of a brother with leukemia and is having a rough time of it, financially, because, seriously, if she wasn't, this movie would be fucking pointless.  She gets invited, through her brother's doctor, to a dinner at a local philanthropist's house (Jeffrey Combs, who still excels at gnawing on the scenery) that promises to get her the money she needs to save her brother's life.

And for the next hour and a half, we get to see the idle rich work their painful wiles on the poor and the poor play right along, ditching their morals and sense of right and wrong along the way.  Because humans are weak idiots.

 

You wanna cut my WHAT?!? 

Oh... my 'fro... I can live with that.

Plot-wise, there's not a lot more than that.  A bunch of people are required to torture each other because a depraved and bored rich dude and his doubly-depraved, rapist asshole of a son want the poor to beg for their help and they LITERALLY say this during the course of the game.  Because that is what rich people do.

I assume that's what rich people, do, anyway.  I'm not rich so all I get to do is live with my fantasies of rich people staging hobo fights and feeding puppies to the great white sharks they keep in aquariums and blaming their losses in profits on the fact that we would like a living wage, please, and kinda getting off on making us sing "Food, Glorious Food" as they shoot rubber bands and flaming twenties at our faces. 

Apparently, rich people hire butlers that used to be government interrogators and know where and how to hide bodies, too. 

ANYWAY, I know that a lot of people are giving this movie mad props but, seriously?  This is dry white toast.  It's INTENSELY fucking bland and it hurts going down.  For a first time out producing, Ms. Snow should have known better.  She's done some great things (Pitch Perfect) and she's done some things we'd rather forget (Prom Night).  She should know by now what the public wants to see.  

Tiny octopi in top hats.

As a social commentary it's OK.  I mean, there's really no tactful way to say what director David Guy Levy (who seems to be pretty damn pretentious what with insisting on the use of his middle name) is saying.  The rich are cruel and merciless and in order for us to get them to give up their not-so-hard earned cash we need to be prepared to give up our morality and revolution against the rich doesn't work when you don't have the resources to fight them.  I don't personally believe that but there is truth to it on some level.  Would You Rather certainly gets the message across in an anvilicious sort of way.

Anvilicious:  When some form of social message in film is about as subtle as dropping an anvil on your head.

Look at that!  You learned something!  Awesome.

I love expanding vocabularies.

The acting in Would You Rather is... well... creamed chipped beef on toast.  You don't want to eat it but it's right there in front of you and you're hungry.  It shouldn't go to waste. 

This is the best way to prepare bad actors.  Mmmm... tender.

Considering that most of the film takes place in one room with the actors being your main focus, you would THINK that we would be witness to some Oscar-caliber performances but, no.  They barely kept me interested and, frankly, I was more interested in watching the jerks (conveniently sat on the left-hand of the host (the sinister hand, if you will)) get injured. (Iris gets moved over there at one point... it's all meaningful and shit.)

Even considering the downer ending wherein the rich bad guys definitely win, I'm kinda thinking that Ms. Snow should have spent her money on better projects.  Also?  I'm thinking we need to get back to monsters or slashers for a while because if Vile is a better movie than this with an unknown cast and a micro-budget, then we need to start leaving torture horror alone for a bit. 

Unless, of course, we're going to start remaking the Roger Corman/Edgar Allen Poe flicks like The Pit and the Pendulum.  Because that would be fuckin' amazing.

(UTTERLY UNRELATED SIDE-NOTE!  If any horror bloggers that follow me would like to get in on a blogger community that includes avid and active networking, let me know.  I got the hook-up, yo.  I like letting people know about the cool stuff.  You kinda have to be prepared to reciprocate, though.  Sharing is caring.  ;0-)  )