I NEED AN ADULT!! Or not...

I GOT IT!  TROPEFEST!  That is what I will call Wednesdays!  It only took me 6 months, which, by the way, was LAST week.  HAPPY 6 MONTH ANNIVERSARY TO ME A WEEK LATE!

Anyway, now that THAT'S out of my system, today on TropeFest, we discuss the role of adults in horror movies.

That role is "Asshole".

That's right, Nancy's mom.  I'm talkin' to you.

Now, it seems pretty fuckin' obvious that horror movies are, 9 times out of 10, made for young adults (and maybe that asshole who likes to watch smarmy teenage whippersnappers get a whuppin'... like me).  Adults tend to avoid them because we've already experienced the real-life fears that go into, y'know, becoming an adult.  Unfortunately, that really does bring into horror that old 60's adage "Never trust anyone over 30".  Thanks Jack Weinberger.  How's bein' 73 treatin' ya?  Ass.

That being said, if you come across an adult in a horror movie, odds are that adult is going to be just fuckin' useless.  In some cases, that uselessness extends itself straight into villain territory.  Nightmare on Elm St. is the prime example.  No, don't pay attention to the stories your kids are telling you.  Send them straight into danger.  That's your job as a parent, right?  RIGHT?  Good parents don't actually DATE VAMPIRE LORDS, RIGHT?!?

 Diane Wiest, you dirty whore.

Adults in horror films will never in a million years believe the kids who are being hunted in a gory Most Dangerous Game.  It doesn't matter if they're being chased down in dreams or in an abandoned summer camp, if kids bring their stories to adults they will either be dismissed, ignored or brought into custody on suspicion of criminal activity.  Cops are adults, too, in case you haven't guessed.  Even Dewey from Scream didn't believe his little sister at first.  And Sheriff Sabin in Shark Night?  Actually working with the douchebags populating the lake with sharks.

Yes, horror films are FILLED with placeholder adults that are incapable of breathing without instructions.  I'm really very surprised that the film makers don't just show them in the beginning of the movie falling over, twitching, and then just move on with the plot.  Let's take, for example, the remake of Prom Night.  The stalker that the cops are supposed to be looking for, ACTIVELY looking for, evades them by PUTTING ON A HAT.

Fuckin' magic.

But WHY are adults useless?

Simple.  Kids are supposed to be learning how to take care of themselves.  It's not like the adults don't CARE.  They, most times, do, unless they're importing Great White Sharks for the purposes of filming shark attacks for the Discovery Channel.  And most times the adults DO want to protect the kids in their care but, seriously, the teenagers, like idiots, often actively remove themselves from adult supervision so the adults CAN'T do anything for them.  It's also not like these people live in a town named "Horrormovieville" and have a quaint sign saying "No Slasher Movie Fatalities since 1972".  Adults, and police in particular, cannot be expected to believe that a machete-wielding maniac is hunting your stoned, half-naked friends and if you show up in front of them covered in blood and screaming, you should probably expect to have some questions asked.  There may be handcuffs involved.

Best.  Arrest.  Ever.

But back to that "taking care of yourself" thing, kids are going to make mistakes and horror movies, like it or not, are morality tales on a very basic level.  This isn't exactly new.  Christianity has had "Passion Plays" for centuries, now.  You do bad things, you have accept the consequences.  Adults know this already, or, at least, they should, and they are now leaving teenagers to make their own mistakes.  It's all educational and shit.  Occasionally, adults get a taste of their own medicine, though, like Nancy's mom in Nightmare on Elm Street.  She got hers at the end of the movie, even if she thought she had done the right thing. 

Another HUGE lesson to be learned here, even if it isn't readily obvious, is that they aren't "useless" per se, they're just incapable of protecting kids from everything that might come their way.  Sorry, kids, but your parents are human beings and they cannot stop all bad things from happening to you.  Suck it up.  Deal with your issues or let them overwhelm you. 

It's all on you, Sparky.