Irrational Childhood Phobia Number One

Hello.  And thank you for joining us for Shark Week.  Today we will learn about the Selachimorpha (or Selachii) clade of the oceanic kingdom and why they delight us so.

Or, rather, let's take a minute to talk about sharks because I'm one of those assholes that researches what terrifies him so he can take a trip to the beach and not hyperventilate on the sand and make people look at him like a goddamn freak.

Sharks are cartilaginous fish that are pretty well known for being apex predators even though most of them, patently, are not.  They also freak most of the world out which is pretty fuckin' badass for an animal with no bones.

In case you don't know what "apex predator" means, it's pretty much what it says on the tin.  They are at the top of the food chain.  That means that almost nothing fucking hunts them (besides us) and if they do, they're gonna get such a kickin' that it's probably not all that worth it.

Anyway, there are currently over 470 species of shark and this doesn't include the freaky extinct kind.  They range in size from the extra hugeness (the Whale Shark, Rhincodon typus, which can reach 40 feet long from nose to tail or larger) to extra-cutey-wooty-itty-bitty tiny (the Dwarf Lanternshark, Etmopterus perryi, a deep sea dogfish that reaches a maximum length of 8.3 inches and belongs in a fucking Pokéball).

Not a Dwarf Lanternshark.

Sharks are found in all oceans and seas and are common in depths down to about 2000 meters.  In case you were wondering if that kept you safe in freshwater, you would be extra-fucking-wrong.  The Bull Shark and the River Shark can survive in both saltwater and freshwater.  A Bull Shark is thought to have been responsible for the Jersey Shore attacks of 1916 since some of them occurred in brackish and fresh water.

Instead of scales, sharks have what are called "dermal denticles".  which protect them from parasites and improve their swimming speed like that asshole that shaves his body hair before riding his bike.  Let's take a look at the term "dermal denticles", shall we?  It literally means "skin teeth".  Sharks have teeth on their fucking SKIN!  This is why you don't want to rub a shark the wrong way.  It would be like petting a rotating sander.

Oh, and let's talk about teeth.  Because TEETH!  Sharks have HUNDREDS of them and they're on a fucking conveyor belt.  They lose one, another shuffles on up to be America's Next Top Molar.  They do not have roots like mammalian teeth do and are just kinda half-stuck in the gums.  Depending on the diet of the shark, they will have a different shape and function.  Sharks that feed on crustaceans and molluscs have wide flat teeth.  The ones we're concerned with are all pointy and serrated.  Like a damn steak knife.

Concerned shark is concerned.

Sharks have been around for, literally, millions of years and their basic form hasn't changed much at all.  Still streamlined, still fast, still toothy.  The oldest White shark teeth come from around the time the dinosaurs went extinct and we know that sharks existed as far back as the Ordovician period.  There are some ancient sharks showing up (always off the coast of Japan for some reason...) that show us that not ALL sharks are classically represented but, for the most part, the shark has that "Blue Water, White Death" feel across the board.

The Frilled Shark.  Also known as "GAH, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Now, all of this isn't to say that all sharks are maneaters but people tend to gravitate toward the mean and toothy for some reason.  There are sharks that are, for lack of a better word, adorable.  The Australian Ghostshark is a "chimera"-type shark that scientists believe is linked to the rise of the bony vertebrates.

Muh momma done tol' meeee... to get somethin' fer dinnerrrrr.

So, how did WE get all galeophobic? (Galoephobia comes from the Greek term Galeos which is a type of dogfish with weasel-like markings and also means "small shark".  Why it inspired the name of a soul-crushing fear, we may never know.)  Well, probably when we figured out that the ocean has tasty things to eat.  When mankind started fishing the oceans, we found out that there are some fishes that, while they're all yummylicious, pack a nasty punch.  And they punch with their teeth.  And they probably don't even mean to eat you but large, ocean-bound animals don't have hands so what do they use to explore their surroundings with?  Their mouths.  They have to be all "Hey, what's this and can I eat it" like your dog when he finds the remote.  They give what's known to scientists as an "exploratory bite".  I'm relatively certain that it only took one of these, accompanied by the hurty-pain and death by blood loss through the femoral artery, to convince us that we should stay the fuck out of the water when we see a large triangular fin cutting through the surface.

So, that brings us to horror movies.  Yes, the fear of sharks is a real thing (because we don't like the thought of being eaten and, let's face it, we may be top of the heap on land but the minute we enter the water, we're bait) and, of course, Hollywood is going to exploit that like they do with any kind of "Nature's Revenge" films.  While sharks had been represented in film, they weren't really used as an antagonist in any real way until the 70s.  Starting with Blue Water White Death in 1971 (which was actually a documentary), Hollywood began using the shark to its natural advantage to make us shit our collective knickers.  Underwater cameras are expensive, though, and it's kind of hard to get a shark to emote on cue so there had to be a leap in special effects to get us to really feel the terror.  Enter Jaws.

 Now, we all know that Bruce, the mechanical shark used in Jaws did not function correctly which is why Spielberg got Ron and Valerie Taylor (the couple behind Blue Water White Death and inventors of the chain mail anti-shark suit) to film some of the underwater sequences including some fantastic Great White shark footage that did not actually end up in the film.  Spielberg decided to go with a stalker-y feel rather than actually show the monster which led to the movies fantastic success.  Jaws is known as the first Summer Blockbuster for a reason and led to a streamlining of film distribution.

Fish are food, not friends.

After Jaws, there were a lot of copycats.  Tintorera, based on a Tiger shark, is hilarious just because it's made so badly and there are a lot of Mexican butts in it.  Watch that shit on YouTube, man.  It comes in about fifteen 9-minute blocks so it's kind of a pain but it's worth it.  It also can't decide if the language should be Spanish or English.  Great White a.k.a The Last Shark was an Italian rip-off made in 1980.  It was released very briefly in the States in 1982 but it was SO plagiarism-tastic that it had to be pulled due to a lawsuit from Universal.  The original Pirahna, was meant to be a spoof of Jaws and Alien was pitched as Jaws in space. Orca was Jaws with a Killer Whale and infused with Moby Dick.

While the Jaws movies reigned supreme at the box-office (for a given value of "shark movie") through the 70s and 80s (and, seriously, Jaws: The Revenge killed that franchise but good and I'll talk about that later), we didn't see a lot of shark movies until the late 90s and 2000s due to the enhancement of special effects, particularly with the advent of CGI.  This didn't make them all GOOD, mind you but there are some standouts.  Deep Blue Sea, which I'll be covering later this week, was among the best of them with it's tale of genetically engineered Mako sharks and an underwater laboratory.  And that, my friends, is what happens when we cover TWO societal fears.  Fear of sharks and fear of what happens when we tamper with natural design.  See that?  You get eaten by a two-ton torpedo with teeth that can out-think your happy ass.

And now we have SyFy stupidness like Sharknado, Ghost Shark, Sand Sharks, Two-Headed Shark Attack, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum, ad infinitum, ad astra, forever and ever.

So, for about 40 years or so, now, sharks have been placed, on and off, directly back into our subconscious minds, all sneaky-like, to keep us from wasting our money on a beach vacation where we will avoid the water like the plague because prehistoric fucking hell-beasts who have been basically unchanged since the dawn of time will gnaw at our ankles. 

I'm guessing that they really like the taste of a Coppertone tan.

Fortunately for me, I burn, freckle and peel.  Maybe I won't taste good since I don't come pre-baked.