Spores, Molds and Fungi Redux

YAY!  It's "Horror-Adjacent" time, here at CCRB, and you're just in time for me to get all kinds of nerdy.

Y'see, I know that I never did a post on the original Ghostbusters (and I should have) but there's a very good reason I'm reviewing this one and I'll get to it in a bit.

First and foremost, I'm going to say GO AND SEE THIS MOVIE! Because it is just fucking delightful and I heart it much and greatly.  The comedic timing is almost always on point and, yeah, there are some lame cheap shots, but it kept me laughing throughout the whole thing.

Now, the plot?  This is where things get tricky because this is NOT, let me repeat, NOT like the first movie other than the fact that it's an origin story.  The three scientists find proof of the supernatural and band together to research it and, along the way, fight it because there's some malevolent-ass shit out there and a literal conspiracy to unleash it.  That's really all I'm going to tell you about that except to say that this isn't your parent's Ghostbusters.

OK, so maybe this guys is a little bit.

I have to say that I am NOT a Paul Feig fan but he took this source material and ran with it.  He gave us four very new and different and, frankly, FANTASTIC female leads and a story that was as much a loving homage to the original as it was a whole new entity of its own.  These ladies have definitely earned their comedy chops and I can't think of anyone better to play these parts.  I was INTENSELY happy to see my beloved childhood memory treated so respectfully and that it was just as goofy as the first.  I was also pleased to have a movie out that promoted STEM in general, and to girls specifically (even though I do not believe in the paranormal, there's no reason not to study it and make sure that it's not real).

This, right here, is an iconic callback.  We LIKE them in our reboots.

Remember that "good reason" I talked about up there at the top?  Let's talk about why this movie was so controversial for a minute.

People ragged on this from the start when they learned that it was going to star women instead of being a clean remake with men in the roles we all know and love from before.  There's no reason why we shouldn't have that clean reboot but the sheer amount of vitriol surrounding these actresses and how they were "going to ruin our childhood" was disgusting.  There were actual plans on Reddit (granted, set up by trolls which got SERIOUSLY out of hand and, no, I will not link it because the behavior of these sexist pricks is horrific) to tank this movie ONLY because it starred women instead of men.

They forgot this guy.  Who knew Hemsworth could be hilarious?

As I've said before, I will always judge a remake or reboot on its merits.  There are some remakes I don't want to be made because I think there are some things that don't need to be remade but I don't have a problem with them, in general, and seeing the new perspective is sometimes refreshing.  In this case?  I was iffy, I'll admit, but I also wanted the franchise to continue and it had been too long since the concept had been touched so I was OK.  This remake got some HATE.  And we're not just talking about jerks saying "OMG, this will totally suck," I'm talking legit death threats and shit, again, because the stars were women.  

That is some fucked up shit, yo.

If you feel the need to dog on a movie because it stars strong female characters, you need to get the fuck up off my doorstep because I do not play.  It's attitudes like this that made sure that Black Widow and Gammorah got shut out of the merchandising for Marvel's Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy and we didn't see any Rey merch for Star Wars: The Force Awakens until the movie came out (which the studio blamed on "spoilers" which we all know is a crock of shit).  You know what, dickbags?  Girls are allowed to have action heroes, too.

Holzmann is my new lesbian, autism-spectrum, femme-hero.

And, there were also some questions about race.

Leslie Jones' Patty is perfection, even though she's been hailed as the most racist of the new characters but there's really only one instance where race is even called into question.  Yes, she's a bit stereotypical but so is a damn Medea flick so why don't we just let her have her cultural mannerisms since her character is legitimately attempting to better herself by joining with the scientists in an effort to learn about the apparitions that are haunting her subway on her own damn time and outside of the authority of her bosses rather than just being "sassy, black woman".  Personally, I was afraid this would be a problem but it really wasn't.  The trailer lied to us.

This is the face of a trailer whose pants are on fire.

The trailers lied to us about so many things.  None of the trailers were what I'd call good trailers.  Ignore the fucking trailers.  Go watch this and laugh your ASS off.  I did.  Stay through the credits. 

Pride and... something...

I am SO sorry.  Life has been stupid lately, up to and including recovering from having my tonsils taken out.

For realsies.

Not even joking.

Something that should have happened when I was 5.

It was about a month ago and I'm still on a predominantly liquid diet.  This precludes popcorn which makes me very, very sad.

Gummy bears are not a pleasant option at this point.

ANYWAY!  You don't need to hear me complain.  You want gore and sleaze and a reminder that you're good enough, you're smart enough and, gosh darn it, your opinions as a horror movie fan matter.

You're not getting the last one.

What you ARE getting is THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY MOVIE IN THE EVEREST OF EVER!

Because, seriously, kids, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies did NOT get the love it deserved from the press. 

If you're looking for action?  This is for you. 

If you're looking for prim, urbane comedy?  This is for you. 

If you're looking for a reunion of half of the Game of Thrones cast while George R. R. Martin futzes around instead of writing The Winds of Winter?  This is for you. 


If you're looking for girls in floor-length, empire-waist gowns and corsets kicking zombies in the head while exhibiting all of the niceties and manners of the Regency-period upper-middle class while searching for husband material?  This is for you.

I mean... if you can deliver a roundhouse kick with all that fabric in your way, more power to ya.

If you're looking to be at all scared? 

This is not for you.

No, really.  I'm classifying it as horror-comedy because that's what it is.  This should be appreciated along the same lines as Young Frankenstein and Love at First Bite.  It's delightfully silly.  It's even sillier than the book, when it comes down to it, although they left out the part about luring zombies into place with cauliflower (which hurt me a little on the inside).  Scary, though, it is not.  There is not one iota of fear to be found, here.

Milady...

Now, it's been a while since I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies so I'm not going to talk about any major plot changes (because does it matter?).  What I AM going to talk about is the sheer awesomeness of the concept.

This, kids, is one of the best "Read a Book" movies I have ever witnessed.  Not only does it give the audience a reason to read THIS book, but it reminds them that there was another source that is just as good (if not better because Pride and Prejudice isn't considered a classic of literature for nothing).  Take something that your normal high-school kid wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, add zombies and Voila!  Instant time spent under the covers after lights out with a flashlight and some Twizzlers.

And maybe a penchant for waistcoats and cravats.

The grand romance of P&P is still there.  The cautious, intelligent and protective female lead is still there.  The silly, lovestruck and boy-crazy sisters are still there.  The idea that one should marry for love, not duty is still there.  They've just included a bit of ACTUAL prejudice in the form of the undead and that's the game-changer and that's what makes this such a fun ride.

It's dry humor.  So very dry.  Drier than my grandmother's Thanksgiving turkey, but it's not an unattainable level of intellectuality. I firmly believe that movies like this, even though they are SERIOUSLY messed up in terms of what they've done to the source material (but being an iconoclast, I don't care), enhance your education.

That's why this movie makes me happy. 

It's not going to win an Oscar but, then again, neither is Leonardo DiCaprio, sooooo...

Go!  Enjoy this frippery!  It's good for you!

(*This post brought to you through the auspices of avoiding profanity for the sake of making a point about period pieces.*)

OMG! It's ADORABLE!!

We've been over this before, kids.

I.

Love.

Horror.

Comedies.

Add that to the fact that I love perky goths and Morticia Addams is a personal hero and, well, y'all knew I was fucked up BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!

So, I was just puttering around online and I spied a title that caught my eye.  It seemed so... derivative and trite.  Ripe for the picking really.  I figured, "Hey!  Blog-fodder!  I need something to really let loose on."

 

Now, you also know that I love anthology films (SOOOO MANY LINKS... search the page for serious), so I went into this thinking I would like maybe one or two and the rest would be crap.

Motherfucker, was I wrong.

See, when I picked this up, I was thinking it had something to do with the Penny Dreadful late night show in Massachusetts but, no, it's got nothing to do with it except that she has a werewolf pal and likes to watch movies.  Speaking of which, I think this may have been filmed in the Castro theater but I can't say for sure.  It looks a lot like the theater used in All About Evil.

I could be wrong.

So, yeah.  The wraparound is that Penny wants to get her first "True Love's Kiss" which, we can all plainly see her zombie butler wants to give her in the worst way but she manages to score a couple of dates for the evening.  She makes them watch movies with her to gauge their reaction.  She's disappointed but we aren't.

The first clip is short but effective and reminds me that creepy nursery rhymes are creepy for a reason.

Jack-in-the-Boxes are totally meant to scare kids.  Quit lying to yourselves.

The second clip is a relatively tame and slightly meandering vampire tale which is OK.  Not bad but not great.

And stars the Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee.

The third, and longest, is a tale of 6 stoners who, for some stupid reason, are hunting a cannibal clan which isn't a cannibal clan at all.  Jeffrey Coombs plays his role HILARIOUSLY in this one and that makes it my favorite.  Plus, there's Sid Haig.  He's a staple.  Not an ACTUAL staple.  Get a dictionary. 

Stop looking at me like that.

No, for real, kids, this is the shit.  It's a little flat but it's an Indie, whattayagonnado?  It's still perfectly entertaining and with the psychopathic, psuedo-Victorian, stitched-up woman-child running the show, it's fucking DELIGHTFUL.  I loved every minute of the deliriously dizzy Penny and her half-baked crew.  They were FUN! 

Like, I wanted them to be real people so I could watch movies with them (without talking) and join them on hair-brained, cartoon-y adventures and live with them in their abandoned movie theater and help them dispose of the bodies.  They need to have their own Saturday Morning cartoon.  I would buy all the toys and the lunchbox and the t-shirts and the cereal (with the free mini-hatchet inside) and the video game and ALL THE EVERYTHING!

Because they said so.

PLUS!  Plus.  While this has some gore, there's not really that much and there IS a little bit of sexy-fun-time and just a touch of drug use but I would say that this is safe to let the older kids watch with no actual nudity.  It's not overly scary and that layer of Hello Kitty cuteness that Penny brings undercuts any kind of serious fear.  I'd rate this at a PG-13, personally (even though most of the PG-13 horror out there is utter crap).

This one didn't get a lot of press but if you can find it, DEFINITELY give it a watch.  You'll giggle in the RIGHT way.  For truly.

The only downside?  A whole lot of unnecessary CGI and a few bad prosthetics.  They do not detract from the movie at all. It's also trope-heavy as fuck but that has more to do with the mild lampooning of horror that makes this so gratifyingly giddy.

GO!  Get yourself some popcorn and load yourself up on sugar (except the diabetics because we don't get to have that kind of fun, anymore) and settle in for a fun ride.  You'll thank me for it.

And Demons Might Fly Out Of My Butt

I'm gonna be honest, here (like you expected anything different), and say that when I heard about Bad Milo, I expected a whole lot of "Children's Hospital-esque", Adult Swim shenanigans and, while I'm generally OK with that sort of thing, I don't usually appreciate it in my horror unless I'm actively looking for it.  I kind of had to watch it, though, so as to present it to you, and so it was with a shuffle in my step and trepidation in my heart that I ordered it On-Demand today.

So... yeah...  what can I say about Bad Milo?

We'll start, as we always do, with the story.

Our hero, Duncan (Ken Marino), is a stressed-out accountant.  His mom (Mary Kay Place) is dating a total creeper that's half her age and she wants grandkids, his boss (Patrick Warburton) is totally skeevy, his dad (Stephen Root) is a selfish asshole (HA!) and his wife (Gillian Jacobs) really wants a family.  None of these things are things that Duncan is at all prepared to deal with.  Like, at all.  Duncan is a whiny fucking dick.


As a side-effect of his stress, he spends a LOT of time in the bathroom.  The first thing we see is him getting an ultrasound and the proctologist telling him he has a polyp.  No big thing, right?  The doc also suggests therapy to get a handle on his stress and his wife is TOTALLY on board with that, as would anyone sane.  Seriously, if your stress is affecting your ability to poop normally, you have issues.

Dude has to bite down.  There's a fuckin' problem here.

He goes to the therapist and it turns out that the dude (Peter Stormare) is a total tree-huggin', new-age hippie.  Of course, Duncan balks at this so that just tells me that he doesn't want to take any control over his life and that makes me want to hit him.

Over the course of Duncan coming to grips with the fact that he needs therapy, people he hates start dying.  The news blames it on a rabid raccoon but we all know better, don't we?  When Duncan finally decides to go to therapy for real, we discover that he has a demon living in his ass.

Yes, you heard me.  Ass-demon.  Anal Imp.  Rectal Rawr.

Wait, seriously?

And Therapist dude's advice is to make friends with it.  Because he's an ass.

Jesus Christ.

So he tries to and kind of succeeds until he finds out that his dad has one, too.  Then it all goes to shit.

Eeeeeeew, you touched it!

And the really scary thing?  I actually kinda liked it.  I mean, I DO like horror comedy and this took things a little more seriously then a lot of others.  The LACK of slapstick actually made this movie enjoyable.  The acting was OK, the script was, obviously, kind of original and that was refreshing.

Of course, I had to deal with literal toilet humor and that detracted a little but if you're into that kind of sophmoric humor, more power to you.

I say that if you want a bit of nasty with your video nasty, go for it.

Extra-Long Sleeves. Invest.

Occasionally a horror film comes along that's a little outside the box and makes you think.  There's that little piece of humanity that peeks through that tugs at your heartstrings or there's a glimpse of insanity that makes you wonder how we survive as a species.

Occasionally, you get both and that usually makes for a wondrous experience.

Eddie the Sleepwalking Cannibal is one of those movies.

Officially billed as a horror-comedy, Eddie is much more than that.  It's a buddy comedy, it's a "mental illness drama", it's A Bucket of Blood and The Portrait of Dorian Gray and Nell all rolled into one.

Lars is a former big-shot painter that's moved to Canada to teach at a local art school.  The school is thrilled to have him because his name will give them some credibility and, hopefully, keep them afloat for a few years.  One of his teaching duties, though, is to keep Eddie entertained in class.  Eddie is a brawny, developmentally disabled mute who likes to eat Yummy-O's out of the box and paint in watercolors.  This is also his primary means of communication.

D'aaaaaaaaawwwww!

After the death of Eddie's primary caregiver, one of the stipulations of her will was that the school would find a means of taking care of Eddie so that they can still get an annual donation from her estate.  Lars, being the goody-two-shoes boy scout that he is, volunteers for the job.

I see you're at a bar.  You'll need to make friends with that.

So, Eddie moves in at his place and, the first night, Lars checks in on him just to find that he's missing.  He heads out into the snow and discovers Eddie, hovering around in his tighty-whiteys, covered in the blood of a rabbit.  As disturbing as this is, it inspires Lars to paint again.  We find out that Eddie's done this before in times of great stress and that once he gets acclimatized to new situations the behavior stops.

And he'll save money on white paint since most of the scene was snow.

After selling the painting and donating the money to the school, Lars enjoys a more localized sort of fame that makes him feel good about himself, again.  It's a little addicting so he, well, encourages Eddie to indulge in his nightly habits with the neighbors, with the out-of-towners who decided it was funny to pick on the less-advantaged and the town in general.  All of this inspires more and more fantastic art that sells for thousands of dollars.

Is it wrong that I'm a little turned on?  It's probably because I like corn syrup.

All the while, Lars and Eddie develop something more than a friendship.  Lars and Eddie love each other.  It's almost romantic but not quite.  It's kind of sweet, in a disturbing sort of way.  I mean, there's no naked, sexy, fun time, which probably would have been more disturbing, but the bond between them is definitely more than brotherly.  This kinda gets in the way of the actual female love interest.

I have to say that Boris Rodriguez did a fantastic job with this and it's really no wonder that it won several awards on the festival circuit.  The satire of the art world is subtle but pervasive and the delicate care taken to explore the relationship between a disturbed man and his caretaker is sublime.  Plus, it's funny.  It's very light-hearted, as macabre as it is, and that keeps it from being TOO cerebral.  I highly recommend this movie.

Stranger Danger!! STRANGER DANGER!!

As a happy coincidence, my Adventures in Netflix brought me to yet another "killer car" story.

Not a GOOD one, but there you have it.

Campbell Jackson is a dude in Detroit without a life, without a girl and without a car.  Once he gets the car, he can get the other two but getting the car is a bitch when you keep losing jobs left and right and this slack-tastic individual seems to not have the best of luck in that department.  The car won't fix the awful dominatrix roommate situation, though. 

When he finally DOES get a job he can keep and that he's good at (his boss often sending him into management-like situations), he runs into problems with just not having a car.  Late because of the bus schedule.  No carrying capacity.  I mean, seriously.  Little old ladies in third world countries can carry more on their heads than this guy.  So, yeah.  He finds an awesome white van and wants to buy it but there's a problem.

Well, a problem beyond the two fuckwits on either side of this picture.

Yeah... the van he wants to buy?  Totally belongs to a serial killer and it's booby-trapped to Hell and back.

Who DOES that?!?  

And it's not like the current owner is subtle about it.  He starts out with hitchhikers and such but really, the dude has no sense of propriety when choosing places to slice and dice.  The driver murders one woman in a grocery store parking lot in broad daylight when she asks for a test drive.  Of course, this happens AS Campbell is calling about the van himself so he's a little taken aback by the screams.

 Well, that's overly gooey.

The driver smashes a girl against the side of a building AND goes after the mechanic that was trying to rip her off.

Tonya Kay is awesome.  She needs bigger parts.  Not THOSE parts, ya pervs.

So, yeah.  I'm sure the word "surreptitious" never even entered this guy's vocabulary.

You know.  I kinda like this one but not really.  I mean, it's not great or anything and there are parts of it that just don't make any sense at all but b-grade schlock isn't really meant to be intelligent.  The fact that they gave Creature from "Who Wants To Be a Superhero" a speaking part (that would be Ms. Kay, above) means that they weren't particularly going for an Oscar.  The fact that the aforementioned cameo was the best part of the movie, on the other hand, just tells me that tiny, be-dreadlocked, vegan burlesque dancers need to be on film more often.

The problem with this film is that there's not enough horror to be really scary and not enough humor to be really funny and the two never actually meet.  If you're going to make a horror-comedy, you should try to amp up both parts and make them work WITH each other and not as two separate things.

I do appreciate the use of practical effects, though, and it shows they were trying to make a good piece.  It just wasn't good enough.

This Is My Art and It Is Dangerous!

In 1988, I became a Tim Burton fan for realsies.  I mean I LOVED Pee-Wee's Big Adventure but that little black pit where my soul used to be wanted something a little... darker.  Tim delivered this in spades with his classic family-friendly horror-comedy Beetlejuice.

And yes, I know I was covering horror-comedies last week but I must've watched this movie a million times as a teenager.  It gave me an appreciation for Harry Belafonte and I could just about quote, verbatim, every word out of Delia Deetz' mouth.

LET ME HAVE THIS!

Adam and Barbara Maitland (Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis) are taking a stay-cation to fix up their quaint, lovely, idyllic New England home.  They take a trip into town after fending off the local real estate agent who's trying to sell their house against their wishes because the stupid bitch can't mind her own damn business. 

After completing their errands, they head back and, in the process of trying to avoid hitting a little doggie in the road, run themselves off a bridge.  They make their way back home, sopping wet and icy cold and try to warm themselves at the fire.  A fire they did not light, by the way.

Well, that's a good way to wreck a manicure.

So, yeah.  Turns out they're dead and they get to haunt their house.  YAY!  Only, you know, not.  Because this isn't a "the house stays deserted and slowly decays making it look delightfully spooky" haunting.  This is a "irritating folks from New York buy the house and turn it into an art gallery nightmare".  The Deetz's have purchased the house from the meddling bitch real estate agent and Delia (Catherine O'Hara) has decided that "If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!"

My whole life is one, big, dark room...

Charles (Jeffrey Jones) is perfectly happy with the house as it is but Delia is all artsy and bad at it.  She and her interior designer, Otho (Glenn Shadix) proceed with the gutting and turn the place into a horrific modern art piece.  Lydia Deetz (Winona Ryder, goth girl template and mistress of moping) is the only person that can see the Maitlands and spends some time trying to convince everyone that the house is haunted.

While all of this is going on, Adam and Barbara discover the extra dimension (called Saturn) outside the back door, tear off their faces and cut off their heads trying to scare the Deetz' out of the house.  None of this works because, according the The Handbook for the Recently Deceased, the living won't normally see the dead.  They eventually end up in the netherworld where they find out that they have to haunt the house for 125 years and they only get 3 interventions with their case worker Juno (Sylvia Sydney).  She firmly tells them that if they want the Deetz' out, they have to frighten them out themselves.

If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had my little accident.

After a really cheesy attempt at scaring the Deetz', they meet up with Lydia who informs them that they won't scare Delia because she's sleeping with Prince Valium and that her dad never walks away from equity.  She tries to help them, anyway.  Afterwards, since they're desperate, they find the flyer and a little flashing light in their model of the town.  They figure, hey, what's it gonna hurt and summon Betegeuse (Michael Keaton and do I HAVE to tell you how to pronounce that?), a "bio-exorcist" by saying his name three times.  He's the netherworld's version of a sleazy used car salesman.  He's lecherous, disgusting and disrespectful.  We heart him.

After meeting him, though, Barbara comes up with a plan.

EEEE!  I love this plan.

The dinner party.  BEST MOVIE MOMENT, EVER!!!

DAAAAAAAAAY-O!

Plan no work.  Booooooo.

Because of the charm of the neighborhood and now that they've seen proof of the ghosts, Charles wants to turn the town into a paranormal amusement park.  After being rebuffed by Delia's agent, they invade the attic trying to find the Maitlands.  They couldn't find them but Beetlejuice takes matters into his own hands at this point and scares the pants off of Otho and the Deetz'.

We've come for your daughter, Chuck.
 

Otho manages to snag the Handbook and offers to run a seance using the book and the Maitlands' wedding clothes which Beetlejuice promptly co-opts in order to get his creepy, pedo hands on Lydia.  See, if she marries him, he can stay in the land of the living.  

Come on a little closerrrrr!

Oh, my gawd, oh, my gawd, oh my gawd!  This is one of the best movies, EVER!  Tim Burton's style is EXTREMELY evident in this one and it plays to the perky goth in all of us.  For a movie with such morbid subject matter, there's life and light and a cheerfulness to this movie that's totally unexpected.  Too bad this didn't extend to any of his other films besides Frankenweenie and The Corpse Bride.  (Nightmare Before Christmas doesn't count.  Burton PRODUCED it.  He didn't direct.)

Seriously, Burton.  I know you don't want to be a one-trick pony, but we all know you are.  Stop putting Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter in shit and go back to why we love you.  Scratchy, curvy lines, black and white, creepy-cute goth girls and that delightful sense of otherness that makes your movies a joy to watch.

Hey!  Whattaya doin'?  Whoa, WHOA, WHOOOOOOA!!

Plus, this movie (barring a few choice words and themes) is a GREAT way to spend a few hours with the family.  There's nothing TOO scary about it and the humor is mostly kid-friendly.  Older kids, anyway.

Beetlejuice is a gateway drug and I LOVE IT!

Children of the Night... Shut Up!

1979.  The midst of the Cold War.  Communism is rampant in Eastern Europe.  Nadia Comaneci is a gymnastic media darling and Slavic aristocrats are exceedingly unpopular.

Guess who's a Slavic aristocrat?

Yes, kids, Dracula gets upgraded to the Disco era in Stan Dragoti's Love at First Bite with the help of George Hamilton, Arte Johnson, Susan Saint James and Richard Benjamin.


Count Dracula and his resident bug-eater, Renfield, are evicted from his castle by the local Communist regime so they can use it as a gymnastics training center.  Because he happens to be infatuated with a certain flake of a model (a supposed reincarnation of a former love and fuck you, Francis Ford Coppola for this blatant theft), he reluctantly moves to New York City to find her.

Hnnn, hnnnn, hnnnnnnnnn!

Because Renfield is an idiot (and that whole "day star" thing) not only does the Count have to fly in the baggage compartment but he's been provided inappropriate reference materials to cope with life in the big city AND once they get off the plane, there's a coffin SNAFU and Dracula wakes up at someone else's funeral.

It's out of date but it's kills time...

So, after a few mishaps including, but not limited to, trying to get a taxi, going to get food but getting chased out of the room by an angry divorcee, being mistaken for a "black chicken" and eating a drunk thereby giving him a hangover he manages to hook up with Cindy Sondheim, the aforementioned flake.  The woman finds her cat in the refrigerator for cryin' out loud!  What the hell, man?

 

With the help of Renfield who finally does something right.

So, anyway, Cindy tells her shrink and kinda-sorta boyfriend, Jeffrey Rosenberg (who happens to be the grandson of Fritz van Helsing... he changed it to Rosenberg for "professional reasons") who spends the rest of the movie chasing after Dracula.  At a dinner date (and who brings their fucking shrink on a date?), Rosenberg tries out all of the standard tricks.  Mirrors.  Garlic.  Hypnosis.  The Star of David... wait... what?

Rosenberg is an idiot.  He goes to the police and tries to get a lieutenant to believe him.  Which is completely fucking ludicrous.

This is the international sign for "vampire".

Or "lawyer".

Language is awesome.

Then he breaks into Dracula's room and tries to set his coffin on fire but he gets hustled out by security.  Then he uses a couple of silver bullets but, for real, man?  Those only work on werewolves.  Of course, all of this crap lands Rosenberg in the booby-hatch but the lieutenant comes around after a series of blood-bank robberies and vampiric attacks surge across the city and he gets released.

 

The things we do for love...

 

His search continues but, in the end, Cindy decides to go with Dracula... to Jamaica... since the coffin was shipped there by mistake.  Rosenberg finally gets paid AND he gets to keep Dracula's cape so it's a win-win for everybody.

Love at First Bite is one of the few vampire comedies to do it right.  It had enough farce to be absolutely hilarious but was serious enough that the humor wasn't "all slapstick all the time".  I remember seeing this in the drive-in (and if that doesn't tell you how old I am, I'm not sure what will) and I laughed my prepubescent head off!  Even then, I was fully aware of the irony of George Hamilton, sun-worshipper extraordinaire, playing a vampire.  And I've ALWAYS loved Arte Johnson.  He played Renfield to PERFECTION.  He was my favorite part of the movie. 

And the best thing was that this was Hamilton's first comedy.  The man has a talent that had been, up until that time, completely untapped.  The studios should have been slapped for letting that pass by.

This movie made $43 million in 1979 making it a bona fide blockbuster and it deserved it.  I miss this kind of film making.  Yeah, the movie is dated, now, particularly since the Disney-fication of Times Square, but this kind of nostalgia is priceless.

You young-uns need to check this shit out.

NOW a Warning?!?

Ah, youth.  We wasted it when we had it, we long for it now that it's gone and we'll do ANYTHING to reclaim it.

In case you haven't guessed, we're gonna visit Lisle Von Rhoman and a few members of her VERY select group of friends.

The film begins with Helen Sharp (Goldie Hawn) and Ernest Menville (Bruce Willis), an engaged couple attending Helen's friend Madeline Ashton's (Meryl Streep) musical, Songbird, a REALLY bad version of Tennessee Williams' Sweet Bird of Youth.  After a brief meeting backstage, Ernest, despite his promise, leaves Helen for Madeline which, of course, drives Hel into a spiral of junk food and madness.  Madness that lands her in the loony bin   An obsession that even Olivia from Sesame Street can't crack until she has a breakthrough on her own.

Idol, Goddess, Shameless Hussy.

Seven years later, it's extra-obvious that Mad and Ernest have, well, an obvious Hollywood marriage.  Mad's career is on the wane and she's bitter.  Ernest is a "tragic, booooooozy, flaccid clown" who's been downgraded from "plastic surgeon to the stars" to "undertaker to the stars".  They legitimately hate each other but they keep up appearances.  Out of the blue, Mad receives an invitation to a book signing by, you guessed it, Hel.  

Mad, of course, rushes to the spa where she is refused a plasma separation treatment because she had one three weeks ago.  Mad gets pissy about the aesthetician's 22-year-old skin and her tits like rocks and the manager steps in.  He gives Mad a card for someone who he believes can help.  A Ms. Lisle Von Rhoman.  Of course, Mad is unbelieving.  

So, they attend the party, of course and there's Hel.  Looking STUNNING and slinking her way through the crowd like a greased weasel.  And because Hel is still insane, she plays Ernest and Mad off of each other like a harp from... well... Hell.

Of course, this drives Mad to visit her boy toy who is in the process of schtupping another woman.  He inadvertently... and then deliberately... makes her feel cheap and old which, along with an appropriately timed rainstorm that soaks her to the bone, sends her straight to Lisle (who's played DELICIOUSLY by Isabella Rosselini) looking like a drowned rat.

Sooooo much double-sided tape...

There, Lisle sells Mad a little potion.  One that will keep her young, FOREVER, and tells her that after ten more years of fame and fortune, Mad has to disappear from the world.  Mad is OK with this.  She also adds on the fact that Mad only gets one body so she should take care of it. 

In the meantime, Hel shows up at Mad and Ernest's house and helps Ernest to plot Mad's murder.  Because they're in California and divorce is just unthinkable.  And because she's now a murderous sexpot, Ernest buys right into it.

After witnessing her own transformation and declaring that she is, in fact, a girl... since the ownership of a vagina didn't clarify that enough (although I'm assuming she's referring to age, not physiology)... Mad goes home to change out of her sopping clothing and is confronted by Ernest who, after a heated exchange, pushes Mad down the stairs.

I bet she's tapping her foot.  Wives do that.  Or so I'm told.

Of course, since Mad's not dead, Ernest takes her to the hospital where they find out that she actually IS dead.  And so is the doctor who examines her.  Ernest rescues her from the morgue and takes her home to repair her.  He just finishes when Hel shows up prepared to bury her.  Mad overhears the plot, since Hel isn't exactly being quiet about it, and Mad blasts her in the guts with a double-barrel.

There is a HOLE in my STOMACH!

After a shovel fight, the girls realize that they both took the potion and reconcile.  Mostly because Ernest is the best reconstructive mortician money can buy.  They convince him to fix up Hel as well on the condition that they allow Ernest to leave without another word.  They agree.

Pleeeeeeeease?

Of course, it's never that simple.  They realize that they can't do what Ernest does so they take him to Lisle.

Now, this isn't conventional horror-comedy.  This is introductory horror.  It's got a little bit of gore but not enough to throw people off.  The horror comes from things that are barely said.  The horror comes from the effects of the potion and the realization that forever is a very, VERY long time.

DRINK IT!

That said, we all know that this movie got mediocre reviews but it DID win the Oscar™ for visual effects and Meryl Streep got a Golden Globe nomination for playing Madeline so obviously somebody did something right.  Frankly, I ADORE this movie.  It's eminently quotable, the camp factor is through the roof and it's delectably dark.  Even the significance of the names was well thought. 

I can see my ASS!

Not just the first names.  Mad and Hel is easy.  Ashton and Sharp also indicate mayhem and burning ruins.  Ernest is just trying to live his life and the girls are seriously trying his ability to be earnest.

This tasty, tasty tale of frienemies is a true classic.  I feel bad for all of those critics that didn't see it the first time around.  These immature and emotionally ugly women deserve what they get and they get to live through it so we get to watch the wheel of karma LITERALLY kick them in the ass at every turn.  Delightful.

I can't WAIT for this to be remastered to Blu-Ray.  The DVD release kinda sucked.  We're pretty sure that's because it was made from the laserdisc and THAT was an awful piece of technology.

GIB TO ME, UNIVERSAL!