Monday, January 21, 2013

I Feel Sick.

I made it to 100 posts!  Granted they're not all fantastic or anything but I did it so YAY, me!

Anyhoo.  We're going to celebrate this with a look at a movie I absolutely ABHOR.  2002's Cabin Fever.

Where to begin? 

Well, I suppose I should start with telling you about the story.

A bunch of kids go camping.  They catch a flesh-eating virus and stupidly spread it around everywhere while trying to get help.  Not that the kids would have stopped it because it was in the water supply but, still.  Kids be dumb.

Yep.  That's it.  Eli Roth wanted to give us a brainless 80s teen horror movie with the boobs and the camping and the useless adults.  In that, he succeeded.  In everything else, he failed... hard.  I wasn't sure it was possible to get a Z-minus but he did it.

Red wings?  No, thank you, ma'am.

What kills me is that someone paid for this.  Someone actually handed Eli Roth money and said "Go forth and make a horror movie about a flesh-eating virus."  I'm fairly certain that they did NOT say "Make it suck."

And the thing is, I can't even fault the actors.  Rider Strong was a decent lead and the others played their parts OK.  There was nothing wooden about the portrayals.  The whole PREMISE, though... 

That's it.  Ooze all sexy-like.

There just really didn't seem to be a clear direction and there was some stuff in it that didn't feel like it belonged.  Eli Roth with his cameo felt too much like "Well, hey, man.  Hitchcock did it." and what the HELL was up with pancake kid?  Sorry, buddy, but if your strange, be-mulleted child is known for biting people for no damn reason, you keep him at home.  You don't blame other people for his biting and that kid brought the hideous face-melting on himself.
 
And I understand that they were in small-town America but people really are not this stupid in real life.  I feel like he just spent an hour and a half pointing his finger and saying "dumbass hicks".  Yes, there are other movies that do that but people are still smart enough to say "Hey, get a doctor" not "Hey, let's mow down the sick kids because they got sick and were trying to get help."

Eli Roth.  Bane of Hillbillies.


Every so often I watch this again just to make sure I didn't make a mistake in hating this movie and every time I'm proven to be correct in my original assessment.

This movie would hurt my soul if I had one.