Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Give Me My Damn Monsters Back!!

Have I mentioned that I'm ENTIRELY sick of "paranormal romance" fiction?  No, seriously.  The sub-genre has pissed me off for years.  I mean, it was cute for a little while and I still like watching True Blood but that's only because some of the monsters are still portrayed as, well, monsters.

And this brings us to today's review of Warm Bodies.

OK, so, if you've read Romeo and Juliet, you get the basis of the story.  R, our zombie protagonist, is a zombie.  Dead.  Shambling.  Living in an airport.  He still has a little bit of coherency of thought but I blame that on him looking pretty darn fresh for a corpse.  He has a best friend, M, that he kind of grunts and stares at in lieu of actual conversation.

 Best Friends Forever.  Or at least until one of them gets a double-tap.

Then we get introduced to Julie, her father and her ragtag band of attractive, well-dressed, post-apocalyptic survivors.  They get sent by Julie's father to get medical supplies and manage to get attacked by R and his friends and through the power of 80s John Hughes movie music and the eating of Julie's boyfriend's brains (which Julie did not see) he falls in love.  Brains, ya see, make zombies "feel alive" because, like any primitive society, eating your enemy gives you power.  And I'm glad to see that old chestnut rearing its ugly head, for realsies.

So... because he's all twitterpated, he takes Julie back to his airplane home to keep her safe from the other zombies.  And thus, in the weirdest case of Stockholm Syndrome ever, they bond.  Julie gets bored so she tries to teach R how to drive.  Really?  Seriously?


So, after a day or so, R brings Julie home.  Along the way, of course, we get introduced to the "Bonies" which are those zombies that are way too far gone to be anything but utter douchebags.  They are skeletons with a tough leather wrapping, really, and they are the monsters I prefer to see.  
Unlike this asshole.
So R really does take her home but like an idiot, not that we expected that much from a reanimated corpse, he tells Julie that he killed her boyfriend.  Naturally, she thinks this is a dick move.  He goes back to the airport where we see that other zombies are showing signs of life, too.  Because... love... is... infectious?  

ANYWAY, they think that R needs to go and tell the normals what's going on plus there's that whole reverse necrophilia thing going on.  (Biophilia?  Maybe?  Whatever.)  In the aftermath of a really awkward balcony scene, Julie and her friend Nora (Nora... Nurse... get it?) are convinced that the zombies are curing themselves and take R to see Julie's dad and dad, of course, wants to blow R's head clean off his corpse-y shoulders.  It's only natural, really.
Has the right idea.  No one cares.

Nora helps R escape with Julie and the big battle between of the zombies begins.  The Bonies are pretty much after anything with a heartbeat which, of course, now includes R and his necro-buddies.  

Necro-Buddies.  I should trademark the fuck out of that and make a Saturday morning cartoon out of it. 

So, yeah, R comes fully back to life, dad shoots him, he bleeds proving he's alive, love wins, dad's an ass, humans joined forces with the zombies, Julie's in love, the apocalypse ends (which, really, isn't possible) and the world starts to rebuild thus completely ruining the Romeo and Juliet story for everybody because it's no longer a fucking tragedy like Shakespeare intended.  

So... yeah...

GAH!  I fucking hate this movie and it's not because it's not well made or well written or even well acted because it is all of those things.  I really have nothing to complain about in those departments.  

What I have a fucking problem with is that dead people aren't people.  Reanimated corpses are monsters.  Even in Frankenstein, where there's at least a glimmer of sympathy for the creature, the creature is still a monster and nobody wanted to fuck it INCLUDING the Bride that was made for it.

I get that we're talking about the power of love and blah, blah, schmaltz, gooeyness, huggy-wuggy, blah but seriously?  Isn't there ONE monster that can be left alone?  I know that we don't OWN zombies as a concept but there are rules, dammit!  Besides, this story was already told in My Boyfriend's Back, Boy Eats Girl and a myriad of other movies.

Watch it if you want.  I don't care.  Blargy-bloo.

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