Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Goodbyyyyyyye, Nurse.

OK, Bitches, I'm back.  I love you, I missed you, smoochie-smoochie, let's get to some trash talk.

What.  The.  Fuck.  Nurse 3D?

No, fucking seriously.  What the fuck were you thinking?  I have never (OK, I'm lying but it's for effect.  Roll with it.) in my life seen such a half-assed piece of shit trying to pass itself off as an A-Grade horror film.  This is C-Grade at best and I'll tell you why.

This bitch.

Yeah... That's a sexy face.  Uh-huh.  Sure.
Paz De La Huerta, who, in case you don't watch Boardwalk Empire, is basically Lindsay Lohan without the good hair or actual career to fall back on should she straighten up and fly right.  (No, seriously, Lindsay.  We care about you.  Get help.)  Paz De La Huerta, who could die in relative obscurity tomorrow and the only person who would actually care might be Jack Nicholson and the reporter who had to endure her being naked and smeared with honey in a sauna during an interview.  Paz De La Huerta whose voice I cannot stomach and, for realsies, made me want to turn this shit off but I watched it for YOU!  You owe me.

Are you talkin' to ME?  I'll fuck yo' shit up.
SO, the premise of this movie is actually kinda neat.  It's all Dexter with a slice of naughty nurse (which proves, yet again, that the target audience for horror movies is young men).  The flavor text at the beginning of the movie reminds us that more murders happen at the hands of medical personnel and the field, in and of itself, contains more serial killers than any other profession.  I don't know if it's true or not but it's a nice touch.

This being said, Defender of the Brazilian Bikini Wax (and eventual Rehab Patient of the Year) Paz De La Huerta slurs her way through trying to be all slinky and sexy and bisexual and shit (none of which is a problem unless you're doing it badly... which she is), all the while being a serial killer that preys, specifically, on cheating husbands.   And she has a crush on her nursing student trainee.  Whose stepfather is cheating on her mother.

Ooooooooh.  A plot.  Kinda.

Bitch, please.
So, we've got Dexter, naughty nurse, and Single White Female...  ummm... yeah...

Hell.  This movie was pure, 100%, no doubt about it, fucking Hell.  If this was any more Hell, you would find lawyers and politicians groveling in their own waste and getting poked with pitchforks.  It didn't even make up for it with a decent body count, except until the end, and even then, it was disappointing because all the victims were strapped down on gurneys.

People need to be hurt for this movie.  The only bright spots it afforded me were the return of Judd Nelson and Kathleen Turner and their parts weren't even that big.  If I had to stare at De La Huerta's freaky, lopsided titties any longer, I was going to hire a crack team of mercenary plastic surgeons to hunt her down and fix them.  That shit ain't no joke, yo.

So, yeah.  Skip this one with a song in your goddamn heart.  Yuk.

No comments:

Post a Comment