Thursday, September 27, 2012

This Is Gonna Hurt

As I have mentioned previously, I am a glutton for punishment.  Today, I have descended to Hell.

In a fit of  "what the fuck", I watched Hellraiser: Revelations.

Yes, yes, I know.  I brought it on myself.

Within the first ten minutes we have the ubiquitous "Hey, we're going to Tijuana, let's go see a donkey show" reference because, apparently, it's OK to subjugate Mexican women and farm animals and American teenagers must capitalize on this.  Then we get the uncomfortable dinner party.  Why on Earth would someone wait until a dinner party to confront her parents about her missing brother?  Is this some kind of teenage ritual I missed out on?  The annual "ruining of the dinner party"?

Also, during trips to Mexico, is it required to cheat on your significant other, kill a hooker and videotape it?  Granted, dead hookers are often hilarious and we know that they're the standard unit of measurement for trunk space and the major export of Bolivia but why is a dead hooker the catalyst for wacky Mexican adventures that end in bloodshed and madness?

The rest is really just boilerplate.  Kid opens puzzle box, kid gets to be the plaything of Pinhead (who's gained weight... seems the S&M diet really doesn't work), kid needs to escape the Cenobites, kid ends up a skinless horror, kid betrays his girlfriend, his own family AND the family of his girlfriend to try and escape hell, girlfriend escapes but gets promised a spot in Hell when she gets bored.

Now, we know that this movie was made on a shoestring so that Dimension and the Weinstein brothers could keep the rights to the franchise and start on the remake of the original but there is just no excuse for this travesty.  It's really no wonder Douglas Bradley wanted no part of this.

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