Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Paper or Plastic?

So... I got a wild hair and decided to watch the Child's Play series again.  All of them.  Yes, I am a glutton for punishment.

We all know that the first one is awesome and the second is OK-ish because, really, how far can the directors terrorize a 9 year-old before he snaps? Bride and Seed are both hilarious because I'm pretty sure they were meant to be comedies and Jennifer Tilly (AKA Tits McGee) can do no wrong in my book.

Watching the third one, though?  I'm fairly certain that it was written during a drinking game while watching Taps and huffing paint thinner.  This is a supremely bad movie.  And not in a good way.  This may as well have been "Chucky in Space", the terrain was that foreign.  For those of you who HAVEN'T seen this, yet, basically, it's Andy Goes to Military School with Voodoo Possession Kung-Fu Grip.  Justin Whalen has pretty much cemented, for me, the idea that he got into Hollywood by sucking a whole lot of dick and his scary 90's Wolverine hair just wigged me out.  Ya gotta remember, kids, I watched the Dungeons and Dragons movie on purpose and the only thing saving him there was a third-wheel Wayans brother.  This kid stinks on toast.

Add to that the kid who decides that it's OK to steal another kid's mail because it's a friggin' doll, the teenage R. Lee Ermey wannabe (who will never be R. Lee Ermey no matter what he does because R. Lee Ermey is a blue-tongued longshoreman secretary's wet dream who could bring down a fighter jet with the power of just one curse-word), the creepy school barber (military school: go fig, but at least he lent a little Hellraiser cred to the cast)  and the butchest love interest EVER outside of Rosie O'Donnell's private porn stash.

Why, oh, why did I watch this again?  Why did anyone think that a kid proclaiming that a doll kills almost everyone around him is suitable for foster care and not a mental hospital?  Why did the school bully not destroy the doll like any normal bully would instead of keeping it for his kid sister and what did she ever do to deserve Chucky?  Why would a military school keep live ammunition where 9 year-olds can access it easily?  Where the hell did the carnival come from?  How did Chucky pull the pin on that grenade and get it to wait 15 minutes before going off?

Much like the proverbial Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

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