Friday, October 26, 2012

Doug Bradley, You Putz.

Oh, Wrong Turn 5.  What have I ever done to you to deserve this?

Oh, yeah.  I turned you on and not like that.

Next time, can you at LEAST do me the courtesy of wearing a Hooters tank top?  Because I SERIOUSLY feel the need to remind my subconscious that I did not, in fact, fall into a doorknob.

You know, I really feel that this movie is Doug Bradley's repentance for being kind of a douche to me at the HorrorHound convention this year because, seriously?  He was not made to play an inbred, cannibal hick.

You're better than this, Doug.

Now, I'm normally willing to give sequels the benefit of the doubt.  Hell, I watched Piranha 3DD willingly (albeit just to watch the death throes of David Hasslehoff's career) but my eyes felt raped about 15 minutes into this one and I don't even think the beginning credits (with the cheesy hand representing the number 5) were done by that point.

This is yet another one of those stupid examples where instead of rigging up a practical effect for blood spatter, they chose to go with CGI.  Are you fucking kidding me?  EVERYBODY can pick that shit out unless you're working for ILM.  Please, filmmakers, ESPECIALLY INDIE AND LOW-BUDGET FILMMAKERS, STOP USING CGI!  It's obvious and detracts from the movie experience.  And, really?  How long does it take to buy a bottle of karo syrup, some soap, a little bit of corn starch and red food coloring?


There are very few films I won't sit and watch all the way through but I don't know how I managed to sit through as much of Wrong Turn 5 as I did.  There is no human face, no matter how deformed by birth defect, that looks like the freaky bird-like one, they killed off the one girl that should have survived (although she DID have sex, so I guess the trope wasn't completely subverted) and getting Mr. Bradley to lurk in the corner saying "You're all gonna die" in his least menacing voice, EVER, had to be the easiest paycheck he ever made.  All of this made me shut it off.

Walk right on by this one.  Do not pass Go and you can forget about your $200.  

Hell, if I ever catch the director, I'm gonna make him pay ME for the hour of my life that I'll never get back and my rates aren't cheap.

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