Friday, January 4, 2013

Something About a Teaspoon Hootenanny...

I don't get out to see new movies on opening night, anymore.  Something about my husband hating the filthy primates that attend.  Well, he really just hates everybody because he, like myself, is a cranky old man, but don't let him know we know.  It'll be our little secret.

But tonight was special.  Tonight, the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise got a new sequel and I had to be there.

And that is because I, apparently, am a Jello™-shot away from being an adult survivor of fetal alcohol syndrome.

I heard about this MONTHS ago and I said to myself, "It will probably be really lame and you will hate it because it is lame with lame sauce and a frosty mug of lame on the side."  And, then, I saw the trailers and I said, "This will not be lame, it will be the awesome and you will SIT there with your icy-cold bladder buster and your gallon of popcorn and LIKE it, Mister Man!"

So, there I sat in the small theater at the early showing with my icy-cold bladder buster and my gallon of popcorn.   Waiting.  The girls next to me announced that they were screamers.  This made me happy.

And then it started and my inner child went "SQUEE" and I settled myself in for 90 minutes of 3D mayhem.

See that baby?  She's all important and stuff.

I never heard a peep out of those screamers.  Not.  One.  Peep.

So, you all know that Jed Sawyer is Leatherface and his family, the Sawyers, are cannibals and they covered up Jed's crimes.  Well, this movie is kind of replacing Texas Chainsaw 2 in that the town goes all craziness and torches the place to the ground so none of the Sawyers survive.

Well, two Sawyers survive.  3, really, but one doesn't know she's a Sawyer.

Enter Heather.  She's the adopted one.

So, she inherits a house in Texas.  Her friends wanted to go to New Orleans, anyway, so they say "Let's take a road trip, y'all!" and pack into the antique VW van.  They pick up a hitchhiker.  Does this sound familiar at all to you?

She gets a huge set of rings from her grandmother's lawyer who didn't actually explain anything but, here's your house, OOP!  Gotta run.  TA!

This?  It's supposed to be all poignant but it just looked fucked up.

I really can't give away any more so let's just get on with the trashing, shall we?

OH.  MY.  GAWD.  Was this a fucking SNOOZEFEST!  John Leussenhop and 8 FUCKING WRITERS not only made about the most boring installment of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ever to hit celluloid (and that INCLUDES that Matthew McConaughey/Renee Zellwegger/Trannie-Leatherface barker) but they made Leatherface an anti-hero?  

Ooooooh, "He's family.  He's slow but he WILL protect you."


First off, if you're going to make a sequel, make it follow all of the successful iterations of the franchise.  Don't overwrite one THAT STARRED AN ACTOR YOU BROUGHT IN AS A SHOUT-OUT, with... this...

Second.  If you're going to give us the "Ooh, you did the nocturnal nasty with your best friend's man", make sure that the jilted character actually finds out, huh?  Otherwise the deaths are wasted.

Three guesses.  First two don't count.

Finally, DON'T PUT ALL THE GOOD KILLS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING MOVIE and then try and run along with your not-mysterious-at-all fucking Scooby-Doo shit.  This is the Scrappy-Doo of horror.  I'm pretty sure its middle name is Cornelius and it should be kicked out of the Mystery Machine for peeing on Daphne.

This is seriously a time-waster.  Not even bad enough to be good.  There is ONE instance in the movie that is laugh-out-loud funny.  That's it.

Wait for video if you absolutely must see this.  Don't waste your money in the theater.

BULLETS!  I take BULLETS for you people.


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