Thursday, March 7, 2013

Wake 'n' Bake

Occasionally, my friend Liam points me in the direction of movies I hadn't seen.  Because he's cool that way.

A couple of weeks ago, he told me about Hansel and Gretel Get Baked and I almost laughed it off but, DAMN YOUR EYES, BROTHERS GRIMM, I must watch anything fairy tale adjacent.

Duuuuuuuuuuude.  I don't even smoke pot (not that I have an issue with it) and this gave me the munchies.  I got a contact high from a movie.

See, Gretel and her boyfriend, Ashton, are totally potheads and they found this strain of pot called Black Forest which they ran out of and need to get more because OMG, this weed totally goes with gingerbread cookies and THAT little idea was put in their heads by Hansel who likes to make fun of his stoner sister and her boyfriend.  Ashton goes to get more from the little old lady that sells it (who is played by Lara Flynn Boyle who oozes her way across this movie like a stoned house cat and wears one of the best old age makeups I have ever seen on film) and, you guessed it, Agnes turns out to be a cannibal witch.

That is one gorgeous babushka.

Yeah, it's not news but it works.  Gretel gets kind of obsessed with finding her boyfriend (who was on the receiving end of a barbecue fork) and joins forces with her dealer and his fiery latina of a girlfriend.  There's a drug war.  There's cages.  There's zombies!  There's an angry doberman.  It's just fuckin' craziness and it's DELICIOUS!

I did NOT see this coming.  I expected it to be all Scary Movie stupid and shit but this is actually intelligent, well-acted and, gosh darn it, it's FUN!  

Ms. Boyle is AMAZEBALLS even given the fact that her plastic surgery is starting to reach American Mary levels of creepy.  I don't even care if she looks totally pissed that she's in this b-grade schlock to pay the bills!  It worked.  She was totally chill the whole time.  She has that kind of "I can't open my twinkies" frustrated look through the whole movie and I LIVE for it.

Hon... seriously... lay off the collagen. 

Yancy Butler is in the flick for all of 10 minutes and she looks HAGGARD but, bless her, she's trying. 

But, there are little things that make this movie kind of perfect.  Gretel's outfits have a decidedly "dirndl-like" flair and Hansel's tan pants and camera strap are reminiscent of lederhosen.  The fact that Agnes is peddling pot out of a former mortuary (thus, the built-in oven).  Gretel laying out a path of Skittles that dealer's girlfriend eats... These candy-like touches all add up to a horror movie that actually feels like the fairy tale it's telling.  "Witch Hunters" had it, too, but it was more literal.

Even if you're not a pot-smoker, raid the local mini-mart and check this one out.

And bring me some nachos!


  1. I'll have to be sure to acquire a copy of this soon. I'd already read another (slightly less) positive review elsewhere that piqued my interest.

    Hell, maybe I'll try to watch it tonight. I just finished watching The Hobbit - that pretty much killed the whole day - so I'm already in a "fairy tale" kind of mindset.

    I learned a new word today, too: eucatastrophe. Funny, spell check just failed to recognize that as a real word. Maybe that's because J.R.R. Tolkien coined it himself. It's kind of like his version of dues ex machina except less random. It relates in particular to his conception of the Great Eagles and their role in the mythology of Middle Earth. But I digress . . .

    I'm still working on getting "Pre'Ween" accepted as part of popular vernacular in my circles, so props to Tolkien for making up words.