Thursday, February 19, 2015

The Return of... What? Exactly?


I missed you.  Did you miss me?  I'm sorry that I just off and left you and said I was just going to get a pack of smokes at the corner store but I'm back, baby.  C'mere and give daddy some sugar.

No, seriously, my life took a minor turn for the suck.  It happens.  But I'm back, now, and I'm here to stay!  And, also, I may be in the market for a co-blogger to prevent this shit from happening in the future.  More about that at another time as I gaze pensively into the sunset and weigh decisions like a fuckin' BOSS.

SO!  Without further ado, let's dig into today's emotionally damaging shitheap, shall we?

Run for cover, motherfuckers.  Mutantis has z-grade trash written all over it and I'm 'bout to get wordy.

Let me first begin by saying that I am INCREDIBLY grateful that Mark Leake contacted me and asked me to review it.  In October.  Right before I took an enforced sabbatical.  Making me look like a complete tool.

ANYWAY!  No, seriously, I am profoundly pleased that this happened because I truly enjoy getting to see the off-the-wall indie stuff.  And this is about as off-the-wall as it gets.

Ya don't say?!?
Our story follows a greasy psuedo-scientist who's using his pull with his step-daughter's mom to take her, her friend (a sexually generous gal who isn't afraid to suck a dick or two) and the other boy who lives with them who is the scientist's step-son but not the step-daughter's brother and fuck me if I didn't need a damn flow-chart to keep all of this straight because it took me a while to pare down the relationship described, camping.  And by "camping" I mean, "use them as bait to catch a hideous man-beast called, you guessed it, Mutantis.


And that's all I'm telling you because you REALLY have to watch this one to understand how well and truly fucked up it actually is.  This is one of those movies that is so wrong, so offensive, so, dare I say it, morally reprehensible that it passes right on through to FUCKING HILARIOUS.  Three (and a half) words, kids:  Paper-Maché Monster Dick.  No you did not read that incorrectly. 

As you can tell from the fake French Tickler up there, this was shot on a shoestring budget.  Like, I'm pretty sure they were surviving by eating shoestrings and the leftover paper-maché that they used to create Mutantis' penis.  We're talking Goodwill costuming and no hair-stylist to be seen ANYWHERE and, much like Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, I loved every goddamn minute of it.  I know I SHOULD have been offended and on some level I WAS but I couldn't stop laughing long enough to care.

Plus this guy with the black Riff-Raff do?

Played by two very different looking dudes.  They swap back and forth.  It's deliberate and horrifyingly appropriate.

Make this one a staple of bad movie nights, kids. 

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