Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Don't Think It, Don't Say It, Don't Watch It

Is it just me or is horror just going straight to shit these days?  Because I just (and I cannot tell you why) watched The Bye-Bye Man and thought to myself, "Y'know what, Bob?  You deserve everything that's coming to you.  You brought this on yourself."






What kind of drugs were Stacy Title, Jonathon Penner and Robert Damon Schneck on when they decided this was going to be a good idea?  What have I told you about drugs, kids?  DON'T DO DRUGS!  If you do drugs, you end up with assholes like Scott Baio being insensitive dick-faces all over the landscape when you kick it.

And former A-listers clogging your drains and making sure you don't talk about Mommy Dearest.
So, yeah.  The movie starts with Leigh Wannell on a shooting spree because that's always a good start.  Blah, blah, blah, cut to present day when three college students rent out a full-sized fucking mansion because college students can afford the rent on this place really and for truly.  It's furnished, which is great because with the rent on this place there's no way they were going to be able to afford furniture.  They still won't be able to eat.  I suppose that's OK because they'll just fit right in with Hollywood's unhealthy standards of beauty.

So, yeah.  They find a nightstand with writing all over the drawer.  The writing says "Don't Think It, Don't Say It" again and again along with one large note "The Bye-Bye Man".

This bitch...
Now, are you gonna sit there with your bare fucking face and tell me that you didn't stop to think "Hmmm... maybe I shouldn't, oh, I don't know, WRITE THE GODDAMN NAME OF THE THING I SHOULDN'T BE THINKING ABOUT ALL OVER THE FUCKING LANDSCAPE?"  (It's amazing what you can spread all over the landscape, really.  Writing.  Insensitive assholery.  Shit.  Truly fascinating.)

Now, what has daddy told you about the stupid people, kids?  That's right.  They're stupid.  And without them we wouldn't have a movie.

That's where you should be smacked repeatedly.
So, yeah, they start thinkin' it and sayin' it and, of course, all sorts of forgettable dumbness occurs.  Like the lady in the records department, with whom the lead has a full-on conversation about TBBM as if it were all "Ho-hum, it's Tuesday", silently killing her entire family off-camera and then coming for the lead.  I wish she'd been successful.

Oh, and the psychic friend that murders her roommate and then decides she wants to take a walk on the train tracks.  That was fun.  But, at least they used her to bring us some Carrie-Anne Moss.  She and her super-frowny-face just waltzed through this movie like "gimme my damn paycheck and fire my manager".

You and I had a deal.  I would be a second-string character in your movie and it wouldn't suck.  You OWE me.
For real, kids, just don't waste your time.  I fully expect this to be on the next season of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It's THAT bad.  I actually feel horrible for Doug Jones because he had to sit through hours of makeup and cope with a CGI dog for this piece of shit.  I literally had to watch this in 3 sittings because I could NOT sit still for the boring, lackluster, what-the-fuckness that is The Bye-Bye Man.

Skip this bitch with a song in your goddamn heart unless you want to make sure that Faye Dunaway has a few years worth of Botox money.  Poor thing.

1 comment:

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