The Mummy (2017).
Because, really, we needed to take all of the humor and fun out of the Brendan Frasier 1999 version, move it to the present day, add a few new characters and references to other classic movie monsters so that audiences have "easter eggs", and gender-swap the whole thing so that it LOOKS like a whole new movie but, in all truth, it's really fucking not.
|That face says it all, really...|
As we all should.
|See that hole? Just fill it right the fuck back in.|
Yeah. Because moldering linen, missing flesh, and the ability to summon sand and vermin are so fucking hot, right now. She also kills Chris and keeps him around to haunt Nick into doing more stupid shit, a la Jack Goodman from An American Werewolf in London. YAY, hallucinations and what very little humor they left in the film!
|And double irises. Thus confounding cosplayers FOREVER!|
So, yeah. This movie got pretty much nothing but negative reviews from everybody most fucking deservedly because it's in that grey area between Action and Horror that nobody likes or wants. As an action film, it was middle of the road. As a horror film, it was not enough. Just because you throw in a soul-sucking dead thing who can create more dead things to follow her command and her goal is to stab Tom Cruise (which... seriously? I'm down) making him the living embodiment of fucking DEATH, does not mean you have a horror movie and, listen right the fuck up, Universal, these ARE horror movies. Stop fucking pandering to the lowest common denominator and fucking scare us. I know you can. You've done it before.
|Oh, look. Evil fan service. Her lack of nipples is disturbing.|
But, I didn't fucking like it, either. I am not a fan of making the utterly devoid of human compassion jerkface the main protagonist (and this is brought up a few times without any tangible glimpses of redemption on the part of Nick). I don't like that they took what could be a very strong female character and made her simper at the man who saved her life for the remainder of the film. I don't like that they took the villain and made HER simper at the man she wants to turn into a god. She HAD the power. She didn't HAVE to do anything but wreck shit and rule Egypt for fucking ever (and, y'know, pay Set back for his part of the bargain). But, no. Let's take a being that can literally sand blast the pyramids to dust and make her vulnerable to a fucking poison dart so we can entomb her alive for 5000 years to come back to wave her decrepit genitals at Tom Cruise, The Tiniest Scientologist.
I'm not going to say that you should skip this one. There ARE elements of this movie that I enjoyed greatly. There are a metric ass-ton of Easter eggs that it's fun to watch for (like the Book of the Dead from the Frasier flicks popping up and all sorts of delicious nasties in glass jars). The special effects are decent and I actually really liked Sofia Boutella's performance. I liked that they basically gender-swapped the entire story. I liked Russell Crowe in a well-tailored suit, and WHO DOESN'T?!? None of these things make up for a lackluster story with too many extraneous elements and a complete lack of judgement when it comes to time and distance.
It's not good, it's not bad. It's just meh. Bland. Not necessarily boring. But bland. Salt required.
And I SWEAR TO GREAT BLOGATHOTEP, IF YOU WRECKED MY CHANCES AT A REMAKE OF CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, TOM CRUISE, I WILL ENSURE THAT YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE REGRETTING THAT YOU SIGNED ONTO THIS PICTURE!! Seriously, bitch. Run.