Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Kristin Stewart Can Die In A Fire

Today, you get TWO, TWO, TWO posts... dammit I was gonna say TWO POSTS IN ONE but that really doesn't work.

You DO get two posts out of me, though because I'm pissed.

Pissed that American literacy standards have decreased to the point that Twilight is a best-selling series.

Yes, I've been pissed about this for a long time.  Sue me.

THIS, people, is just fucking wrong and I hope to hell it's photoshopped but for some reason, I doubt it.


OK, bitches.  Seriously, you have no fucking clue what you're doing.  You've either decided that your child is a My Little Fucking Pony or you have placed entirely too much stock in Stephenie Meyer's teenage slave porn and in the process you are now guilty of child abuse by proxy because you KNOW this kid is gonna get beat up so hard at recess.

Repeat after me, kids.  Twilight is nothing more than a Mormon dating primer set in a world where vampires sparkle and fully grown whatevers romantically imprint on unborn fetuses.  Where the main fucking character is never fully described and has no flaws except that she's "clumsy" until she gets married and turned into a vampire where she's finally described as "hot and no longer clumsy".  Keep in mind that she was turned into a vampire to SURVIVE THE ABUSE OF CARRYING A VAMPIRE PREGNANCY.

Think about that.  They KILLED her (and forced her to a damned unlife drinking the lifeblood of others) so that the BABY would live.  TELL ME that's not some kind of sick Mormon anti-abortion message.

Just so you all know?  It is my life's mission to get my hands on time travel technology so I can make sure that Stephenie Meyer's mother gets a complete hysterectomy at age 9.  Barring that, Stephanie Meyer is SO gonna get stranger-punched if I ever see her in the street.

Stranger-punched right in the pussy.


  1. This should count as child abuse!

  2. Absolutely. Any parent that does this to their kid should immediately go on a watch-list for crazy.

  3. Can't do that, Bob. Can't have Stephenie Meyer killed before birth, because then she wouldn't have written The Host, which is actually a good novel. Not horror, more sci-fi, but still, a good novel. Can't throw out the sparkly baby with the bloody bathwater.

  4. Also, point of order, and fuck you for making me say it: Bella is turned into a vampire AFTER the baby is born, which she INSISTS on having despite the risks. Only one vampire wants her to do this and helps her carry out her plan. She is given the venom to make sure she lives - and it's what she always wanted anyway. Story might be stupid, but this part isn't the rape you imply. No forced action, only Bella's admittedly stupid decisions.

    Bleh, now I have to go gargle with Drano to get the taste out of my mouth from having to defend fucking TWILIGHT.

  5. You are entitled to defend her but I don't care because Stephenie Meyer still subjected the world to the literary blight that is Twilight and must be erased from history. One good book out of 5 is not betting odds.