Thursday, December 6, 2012

He Loves Me, He Wants Me Dead...

In today's installment of Holiday Horrors, we look at St. Valentine's Day.  A day celebrated through the  sending of notes with "hearts" (which are actually representative of a woman's butt or, turned upside down, boobs), flowers (which, considering the number of Allegra D commercials I see every year, should probably stay in the shop or come hermetically sealed in Saran Wrap) and candy (and since I live in the fattest state in the fattest country in the world, we should probably do something about that).

It's also a day celebrated with chubby, winged humanoids with angelic faces that fire arrows willy-nilly without regards to who's going to get hurt.  And it is with THAT image that I bring you today's review:

2001's David Boreanaz vehicle, Valentine.

This is another of those "high school nerd seeks revenge" films that are SO cheesy but SO fun.  In this one, David Boreanaz (who gets top billing only due to his Buffy status), Denise Richards, Jessica Capshaw and Marley Shelton get to go on a spirited romp through slasher town with a killer that really loves to send threatening cards, candy with bugs in it and otherwise harass our successful young adult (Really?  No teenagers this time?  That's a first.) gaggle of girlfriends to death through Valentine's Day trappings and nosebleeds.

Yes, dammit, this is a fetish, too.   Fucking rule 34.

Trivia note:  Katherine Heigle and Jessica Capshaw were to work together again on Grey's Anatomy, not for very long, mind you, because Heigle left Grey's Anatomy after season 6, much like this movie where they never actually saw each other because Heigle was the first one killed and she hadn't spoken to the other characters in person.  This was Valentine's shout out to Scream, by the way.  Woo.  

It's a standard whodunit mystery plot.  There's nothing supernatural going on here.  Just a dude in a Cupid mask who gets nosebleeds.  You have your standard group of victims: the grown-up fat kid, the doctor (in-training), the girl who's always looking for a date and the "completely aware of what she's doing and not putting up with your slut-shaming shenanigans" sexually-generous girl.

Denise Richard's hottest face to date.  Drowning sex doll.  
Also?  Fuck you, Dr. Christmas Jones.

There's really not a lot to tell, here.  It's a popcorn flick and not much more than that.  I mean, yeah, it's fun and the twists are there but they're kind of boilerplate.  I do like that it's more Agatha Christie than Leatherface, though.  It makes for a nice change.

OH!  And before I go, I would like to bring everyone's attention to one of my favorite character actresses, Jessica Cauffiel.  She is ALWAYS amazingly funny and plays the perfect airhead.  She needs to be working way more often than she does.

Not that anyone important reads this thing.  Trust me, we all know that this blog is a big ol' vanity project.


OK, I'm done now.

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