Thursday, February 28, 2013

Shut Yer Hole

Today, kids, we're going to talk about The Hole.

Not THAT hole, you pervs.

THIS hole:

This annoying, cloying, saccharine sweet "family horror" flick that took 3 years to be released on video because it tastes like fail.

Joe Dante needs to be slapped in the dick for this, seriously.  I know he likes to make family-friendly horror films and that's OK because Gremlins was fucking amazing but this?  I don't even KNOW you, anymore, Joe Dante.

It's your basic, "finding weird shit in a new house" movie.  Kids move into new house, find trap door in basement, open it and release the evil in the form of the thing you're most afraid of.  Kids try and investigate the evil.  Kids find old dude who tells them exactly what kind of evil they've set loose.  Kids must put evil back.  Kids win the day because this is some Scooby-Doo bullshit.  Mom knows NOTHING about any of this.

Yep.  Evil.

No, really.  This OOZES bad syndicated cartoons.  (Not that Scooby-Doo is bad, it's just formulaic).

There is a character in this movie named Creepy Carl. The token girl is all "smart-girl-proto-feminist-reading-above-her-grade-level" (not a bad thing but "anvilicious" does not begin to cover it).  The younger kid is way too old to be begging his older brother to play with him.  Kids his age can find things to do by themselves.  The older brother (Chris Massoglia from Cirque du Freak)?  Just a douche with a Beiber haircut.  And, seriously?  If you FIND a locked wooden door that would look more in place in a castle dungeon than a modern garage, DON'T FUCKING OPEN IT! 

Did they listen?  Noooooo.

Really, Joe Dante? You're better than this.  Did you need to pay some medical bills?  Was the mortgage late?  Were you low on cocaine?  What sudden need for cash sank you to this level of film making?  This is not the late-80s/early 90s, anymore.  Kids are, much as you hate to admit it, more sophisticated than this.  No serious director would bring us this crap.  This is the shit you leave to the new guys.  If you HAD to make this, why didn't you punch it up and make it for Masters of Horror.  It feels like it would fit better there.

Seriously, I cannot tell you how much I hate this movie.  The Hole might be great for starting your kid on all things spooky, which is noble, but do yourself a favor and be in the next room while your kid watches it.  You'll feel better about it, trust me.
Better yet?  Sit your ankle-biter in front of Gremlins.  It's an infinitely better film.

And now you know.  And knowing is half the battle.  Go, Joe. 

No, really, Joe.  Go.  Away. 

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