Sunday, April 28, 2013

Stop Letting Rob Drive!


Yeah, I know.  Who cares.

Well, I do but I'm just the author.

ANYWAY!  I got a chance to see Lords of Salem this weekend,  I'm going to tell you about it in a haze of cold medication because, seriously, that's probably the best way to watch it.

The movie starts with a man writing about a Salem coven meeting/really creepy orgy and how he's totally gonna kill all the witches because they've got some seriously ugly tits or something.  I'm not quite sure, really, because I was too distracted by the seriously ugly tits that kept appearing on my screen.  Those tits were some TRAIN WRECKS!  Train wrecks made sadder by the fact that they belonged to Meg Foster who is still quite beautiful for her age.  The make-under was kind of astounding in a "GAH, MY EYES" sort of way.

Not quite what we remember from Stepfather II, is she?

Cut to a flesh-colored plank lying on a bed.  Oh, wait.  That's our heroine, Heidi (Sherri Moon-Zombie).  She's a DJ.  She has a big dog and a polite, avuncular landlady.(Judy Geeson).  Heidi has dreadlocks because that makes her cool and she dresses in really big bell-bottoms because she's all mellow like that (and they only look really big because she's a fucking toothpick) and she goes to meetings because she's a meth addict.  This is not shocking.

One night at work, Heidi gets a present.  It's a big wooden box with a record in it.  It comes from "The Lords".  After having her kind of-sort of boyfriend "Whitey" (Jeff Daniel Phillips) walk her home and flirt shamelessly with her, she plays the record and experiences visions of witches performing a ceasarian section.  There may have been chewing on baby parts.  I'm not sure.  It wasn't pleasant.
In the meantime, the landlady's sisters (Patricia Quinn and Dee Wallace) are visiting.   They're a little... intense.  And they're nosey as fuck. 

Avon calling!

So, the next night, they play the record on the air and Whitey dubs the "band" the Lords of Salem.  For some dumbass reason, people like it.  It's seriously, like, 7 notes played over and over again.  I want to fast-forward to where the music stopped, personally, but that wasn't really possible.  ANYWAY, the DJs get ANOTHER box and this has a stack of tickets to a Lords concert.  Because this isn't ominous as fuck or anything.

Heidi starts going completely schizo, late for work, using again, having dreams of being raped by a priest.  The apartment down the hall has weird, Tardis-like properties.  There's this midget in a bad foam-rubber suit following her around.  You know.  Shit we see every day.

Awww... it thinks it's people!

So, yeah.  I really can't go any further because I know how you all hate spoilers but, I REEEEEAAAALLLY wish that I could tell you the completely suck-ass ending to this completely suck-ass movie.  About the only thing impressive about this movie is the fact that Zombie found four former scream queens that were willing to star in this barker.  The plot was weak, the acting was weak (yes, even on the parts of the imported scream queens, though they were better than the principles) and it just felt like a 90 minute fugue-state with no direction.  Like the film was laced with pot or something.  This is ON TOP OF medicine head. 

And not even the GOOD kind of fugue-state.  It was bland.  I know he wanted to go for muted but the entire film didn't have to read as beige.  Even the scenes where the colors were "enhanced" a la The Wizard of Oz, weren't enhanced ENOUGH.  If there had been more contrast, the film might have been interesting but, as it stands, bleah.

You mean Rob Zombie DIDN'T cast himself?

I have to tell you that I am NOT, in any way, shape or form, impressed with any of Rob Zombie's films with the exception of House of 1000 Corpses.  I even hated The Devil's Rejects.  It wasn't horror to me, it was a modern-day Roger Corman exploitation film.  Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill was a better movie.

There is no circumstance upon which I would allow Rob Zombie to write another script and, for serious, if he casts his wife in anything else I'm going to slit my wrists because I can put on a dress and play her part better than she can.  ANY part.  And I have a better butt than hers.  SERIOUSLY, WOMAN!  EAT A FUCKIN' SAMMICH!  
Sherri Moon-Zombie is a leading cause of eating disorders. 

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