Tuesday, April 23, 2013

You Know, SOME People Prefer a Rabbit's Foot

There are some folks who'll tell you that horror is only a half-step above porn in the ranking of genres.  The only difference between the two, really is which bodily fluid is splattered all over the screen (and, hopefully, not your keyboard because replacing them can be expensive).

That line, however, can very definitely be blurred and, in a few choice cases, crossed completely.  Why?  Perhaps it's the metaphysical dichotomy of sex and death?  Perhaps it's to try and encapsulate the fear of the problems that sex inevitably causes?  Perhaps it's because horror directors tend toward the emotionally stunted perv side of the scale?  A-One, A-Two, A-Three-hee?  The world may never know.

This brings us to Lucky Bastard.

Yes, kids, we now have found-footage, porn, house invasion horror.  The order of that is important.

The film starts out with a police video of "the crime scene", as these things often do.  It starts with a rape which our heroine foils and it all turns out to be a porn shoot.  The director convinced our heroine to take part in their "Lucky Bastard" site which rewards a fan with a boning. 

Yeah!  YEAH!  Take me you basement-dwelling stud, you!

Suffice it to say that she's not having a minute of it.  She plays along as much as she can but the dude they picked?  The one in a million stalker with a hair trigger.  No, I mean with an actual gun.  And a bat.  And any odd sex toys lying around.  Yeah, dude goes all Alex Forrest on his porn star crush.  There's no bunny to be boiled but ass-raping a porn director is close enough.

There's a tiny part of me that's screaming "HELP ME" right now.

This girl.  Tries to be useful.  Fails.

I kind of wish I could say that I hate this movie.  Rape is bad, dont'cha know?  Thing is I DON'T hate this movie.  I don't LIKE it because it really does send mixed messages about the porn industry (which, I believe, is not a bad thing as long as the people involved know what they're doing and they CHOOSE to be a part of it).  I don't LIKE it because the production quality is not great and I don't LIKE it because it's just not a good movie.

You would THINK that if they're making a horror movie about porn, they would make it exciting.  Nooooope.  The villain is a skinny, nerdy type that really couldn't me any more menacing than a Blue's Clues sippy-cup.  And the rest of them?  Assholes, the lot of them.  I seriously could NOT give two shits about them.  Any of them.  Including the heroine.

This is my angry face.  LOVE MEEEEE!

I'm not saying NOT to watch this movie but I'm not recommending it, either.  I'm fairly certain you'll feel as blasé about it as I do.  There's really not a lot to it and, frankly, you have better things to do with your eyes.  Appreciating a painting... as it dries.  Discovering if bears really DO shit in the woods.  Experiencing the power of pepper spray.  Stabbing them with blunt sticks.  You know.  Fun shit. 

I was gonna say "Deuces, I'm out" here, but then I remembered that the phrase "Deuces" probably came from some Jersey Shore meathead who mispronounced "Douches".

I'm out, though.

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