Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Is Paris Burning? Is That What I Smell?

You guys already know my love for An American Werewolf in London, right?  I mean it's not like I haven't mentioned it.

Soooooo... yeah.  As much as we want to cover this up with false memories and tiny drops of acid applied directly on the parts of the brain that retain this memory, it had a sequel.  A really bad sequel.  A sequel that should have warranted a public flogging and beheading but apparently we're all "civilized" and "we don't DO that, anymore."  Hell, we don't even tar and feather people, anymore.  Where's a friggin' RAIL when you need one on which to drive someone out of town?

I would say that I hate all of you, right now, but I remember that I volunteered for this shit.

Anyway, off we go.

Andy and his two, sex-crazed, asshole friends, Brad and Chris, are touring Europe and are all hot diggity-dog about Paris.  Being assholes, they decide to get into a little bit of hot B&E action on the Eiffel Tower.  Because I know I want to sleep in a sleeping bag on a metal fucking grate all night.  Brad and Chris tease Alex about not having the balls to do crazy shit so Andy gets all bungeed up to take a leap off the tower.  They get interrupted by Seraphine, who has apparently decided to do the same thing, only in a skirt and without a bungee cord.  In the process of saving her life, Andy gets her to the ground but then forgets that bungee cords stretch and a basically triangular erector set with the wide part on the BOTTOM is probably not the best place to jump when the laws of physics send him directly into an I-beam.

Because he's still an asshole and he kept her shoe, he decides to go all Prince Charming and find her. 

Green Screen fuckin' FRANCE!  Seriously?

He DOES but she tries to blow him off.  There's a barely humorous scene involving a condom and a power-lifter.  The guys then hit up "Club de la Lune", a snack bar for werewolves disguised as a dance club.  It's run by a dude named Claude.  He becomes vaguely important later.  In any case, chaos, mayhem, Chris escapes, Brad is eaten and Andy, because he's the HEAD asshole, gets bit and wakes up at Seraphine's house.

QUICK!  Cover yourself so we can market this movie to teenagers!

Seraphine has to hide him from her mother... badly... well, more to the point, she has to hide her mother from Andy because her mother is DEAD!  Oh, did I mention that Seraphine is supposed to be 16 years old and is the daughter of David Price and Alex Kessler from An American Werewolf in London?  She don't LOOK 16.  Or act it.  I think somebody got their calendars all messed up.  Anyway, NOW Andy is turning into a werewolf and he can see ghosts and shit.  Ghosts like Alex, which really weirds him out.  His buddy Brad explains that he now has to eat the heart of the werewolf that turned him to be normal again AND kill the werewolf that killed him so he can go rest and shit.  In the meantime, Andy gets all wolfy with a really fucking annoying American chick named Amy and she's pissed that he killed her so she's actively trying to murder him in the face.

She's pissed because this is the ugliest werewolf EVER.

Claude tries to get Andy to join their big, secret, werewolf club with the secret handshake and the t-shirts and the geflavin.  Serafin explains, way too late in the damn movie, that her stepfather had been working on a drug that would control the transformation but, because her stepfather was an idiot, the stuff only causes the transformation to occur immediately.  Claude steals it and holds a big Fourth of July party.


There's shooting, there's a subway train fight, Andy eats Claude's heart, Serafine knows exactly where Andy is at all times, happy fucking ending, blargy-blargy-bloo-bloo.

Yeah, 'cause THIS didn't blow the whole "werewolf conspiracy" wide open or anything...

Ummmm, that SFX budget I mentioned in the previous post?  Spent on hookers and blow, this time around.  French hookers.  I know it might sound cool to call them demi-mondes but they're still hookers.  Hookers in corsets and Can-Can skirts.

I MIGHT not have had as much of a problem with this movie if everything hadn't been green screen or CGI.  The script was kind of insane and could have been pared down A LOT, or at least rearranged so that it made more sense but everything else in this movie was so fucking distracting that I almost didn't care about the runaway plot bunnies.

The people behind the werewolf effects need to maybe do a little more studying of anatomy before trying to animate werewolves.  If you're GOING to use green screen, learn how to blend your edges.  Same for your CGI monsters.  Oh, and try to make the lighting match the environment, too. 

And, you know what?  I lied.  I would still have had PLENTY to be pissed about with this movie even if they DID use practical effects because they'd probably fuck those up, too.  I mean, did these guys even WATCH the first movie?  These monsters looked NOTHING like the monster in London. I swear they just spent half of the time fapping over the 6 nipples they gave Julie Delpy.  SFX people?  Your dicks are not that important.

I seriously think that there are times when destroying media is an OK thing but only when it's just fucking abyssmal.


Don't be all French like that.

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