Friday, August 29, 2014

Gay Marriage Isn't Legal Yet.

Dammit, I hate it when boredom gets the better of me.  It makes me watch the stupidest shit.

Take, for example, Brides  of Sodom.



I have to describe this?  This is going to be like writing a critique on my elderly neighbor's morning deuce.  "Contains large amounts of corn which I'm sure that his doctor told him to stay from.  Slightly greasy-looking.  Hamster fur."

I really don't want to do this.  But I will.  I need to share the pain.  This is like herpes.  You can control it but it's never going away.

Neither is this guy's sprayed on 6-pack.
Gay vampire lovers that end up that way because of a curse after there are only, like, 5 human beings left on the fucking planet.  That's it.  The dudes are actually part of a love triangle with the one dude's SISTER?  I'm pretty fucking certain that becoming a vampire does not preclude you from the incest taboo.  So, yeah.  Sister gets jealous, there's horrible plotting, not one but three lame fucking escapes and the worst wig I've ever seen (and I wear some disgusting wigs).

That wig needs a fire treatment.

Motherfuckers, if you're gonna give me gay porn, I'ma need to see some dick because, frankly when I was watchin' this I was thirsty as hell (for you non-gay folks, that means "touch me inappropriately now, please") and you made my penis, as glorious as it is (to me, your mileage may vary), an innie.  There is no movie that I have seen, hardcore, softcore, gay, straight, anywhere in-between, that was less romantic (And I'm the guy that forgets his anniversary.  It's January 1st.) or LESS FUCKING SEXY. 

I mean, I expected bad acting so that's forgiven but did I really have to deal with the simpering on the part of the wig-boy?  The consistent snarling of the que--- I mean prince?  The fucking "Blue Steel" of the 'roided out dicknuts who, I reiterate, did NOT show me his dick..

But I'm still pretty, right?
If you're straight, you were probably planning on skipping this anyway and I'm OK with that.  If you're gay, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!  Help me stop this despicable and fucking deplorable practice of "If I film it, the gays will come."  Come on, gay directors.  Yeah, kudos for getting porn actors "legitimate" parts but FUCK.  OFF.  If you think that shoddy script writing, direction and acting are going to keep us buying your flicks for long, think again.

No!  Nnnnnnno!  Bad directors!  Stop giving the rest of us a bad name!

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