Monday, July 28, 2014

Shouldn't Art Be More... Artistic?

OH, MY.  FUCKING.  BLOGATHOTEP!

OK, for serious, Hollywood.  STOP making "found footage" films.  For real.  Stop.  Just stop.  I mean it.



Because if I have to sit through another piece of trash like Mr. Jones, I will seriously shoot myself and implicate the director as the sole reason behind my suicide.  I don't CARE if it makes me look like a fuckin' loony.  I will tell the damn truth and let the world know that the reason I'm fuckin' dead is because of cheap-ass producers who don't want to pay for a damn screenwriter.

COUGH IT UP, HOLLYWOOD!  I KNOW you gots the cash.  If you DON'T then where are my fuckin' twelve dollars a pop gettin' to?  I'm betting on inexpensive sex workers (not that there's anything wrong with that by itself) with an assload of cocaine lined up on their backsides in expensive hotel rooms to make the girls feel fuckin' pretty.

Don't let the pictures fool you.  This is pure FF bullshit.
If a Hollywood producer who makes found footage films tells you you're pretty, he's lying.

Grrrrrr...

So, this steaming pile takes place in the woods.  Because these jackholes moved there.  To be alone and try to make a documentary and be all hippy-dippy commune-y or some bullshit.

Of course, dudehole stops taking his medication which is talked about for 5 fucking minutes and then completely forgotten about, even though you think they're gonna use some "unreliable narrator" goodness.

They don't.

So, yeah, they find a scarecrow, or at least a crude approximation of one.  Turns out this is an art piece by the mysterious Mr. Jones.


They invade his fuckin' house, too.  Nosy bitches.
And, you know what?  That's about all you need to know. 

Somebody was trying to work out their vegan, tree-hugger, PETA-loving, Mother Goddess (not that there's anything wrong with any of this by itself) bullshit.  They were trying to force us into being all "oooooooh, protect the nature" and shit.  Only they were too damn vague and 90% of the viewers would not get it.  All they would see is the stupid-ass craziness that doesn't mean a damn thing.

Yep.  This?  Stolen by El Douchebag.
This is a humongous fail-weight that destroys everything it touches.  It causes the black pit where I used to have a soul to weep inky darkness.  If I HAD a song in my heart, I would skip this with it.

No, seriously.  Skip it.

What the fuck, people, RUN!!  Run far and fast and then, when you think you can't run any more, run some more.  Escape this movie as if your life depends on it.  Because it does.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

OMG! It's ADORABLE!!

We've been over this before, kids.

I.

Love.

Horror.

Comedies.

Add that to the fact that I love perky goths and Morticia Addams is a personal hero and, well, y'all knew I was fucked up BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!

So, I was just puttering around online and I spied a title that caught my eye.  It seemed so... derivative and trite.  Ripe for the picking really.  I figured, "Hey!  Blog-fodder!  I need something to really let loose on."

 
Now, you also know that I love anthology films (SOOOO MANY LINKS... search the page for serious), so I went into this thinking I would like maybe one or two and the rest would be crap.

Motherfucker, was I wrong.

See, when I picked this up, I was thinking it had something to do with the Penny Dreadful late night show in Massachusetts but, no, it's got nothing to do with it except that she has a werewolf pal and likes to watch movies.  Speaking of which, I think this may have been filmed in the Castro theater but I can't say for sure.  It looks a lot like the theater used in All About Evil.

I could be wrong.
So, yeah.  The wraparound is that Penny wants to get her first "True Love's Kiss" which, we can all plainly see her zombie butler wants to give her in the worst way but she manages to score a couple of dates for the evening.  She makes them watch movies with her to gauge their reaction.  She's disappointed but we aren't.

The first clip is short but effective and reminds me that creepy nursery rhymes are creepy for a reason.

Jack-in-the-Boxes are totally meant to scare kids.  Quit lying to yourselves.
The second clip is a relatively tame and slightly meandering vampire tale which is OK.  Not bad but not great.

And stars the Itty-Bitty-Titty Committee.
The third, and longest, is a tale of 6 stoners who, for some stupid reason, are hunting a cannibal clan which isn't a cannibal clan at all.  Jeffrey Coombs plays his role HILARIOUSLY in this one and that makes it my favorite.  Plus, there's Sid Haig.  He's a staple.  Not an ACTUAL staple.  Get a dictionary. 

Stop looking at me like that.
No, for real, kids, this is the shit.  It's a little flat but it's an Indie, whattayagonnado?  It's still perfectly entertaining and with the psychopathic, psuedo-Victorian, stitched-up woman-child running the show, it's fucking DELIGHTFUL.  I loved every minute of the deliriously dizzy Penny and her half-baked crew.  They were FUN! 

Like, I wanted them to be real people so I could watch movies with them (without talking) and join them on hair-brained, cartoon-y adventures and live with them in their abandoned movie theater and help them dispose of the bodies.  They need to have their own Saturday Morning cartoon.  I would buy all the toys and the lunchbox and the t-shirts and the cereal (with the free mini-hatchet inside) and the video game and ALL THE EVERYTHING!

Because they said so.
PLUS!  Plus.  While this has some gore, there's not really that much and there IS a little bit of sexy-fun-time and just a touch of drug use but I would say that this is safe to let the older kids watch with no actual nudity.  It's not overly scary and that layer of Hello Kitty cuteness that Penny brings undercuts any kind of serious fear.  I'd rate this at a PG-13, personally (even though most of the PG-13 horror out there is utter crap).

This one didn't get a lot of press but if you can find it, DEFINITELY give it a watch.  You'll giggle in the RIGHT way.  For truly.

The only downside?  A whole lot of unnecessary CGI and a few bad prosthetics.  They do not detract from the movie at all. It's also trope-heavy as fuck but that has more to do with the mild lampooning of horror that makes this so gratifyingly giddy.

GO!  Get yourself some popcorn and load yourself up on sugar (except the diabetics because we don't get to have that kind of fun, anymore) and settle in for a fun ride.  You'll thank me for it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

And This is Why I Don't Trust Homeschooled Kids.

WHEW!  Life got busy all of a sudden.  Busy and scary.  But you're not here for that.  Let's just jump right back on in, shall we?

Somewhere along the way some idjit decided that "spooky" and "heartwrenching" belonged together.  This is not a new thing but it's not something I normally look for in my horror movies.  Despite my disgust for the sob story (because I like to pretend that I have the emotional range of a pencil even though I'm the guy that ends up with sinus issues for a week when I watch Rankin-Bass Christmas specials), occasionally one comes along that works.

And that's where 2013's We Are What We Are comes in.


A remake of the Mexican film, Somos lo que hay (2010), the film follows two VERY sheltered teenage girls, Iris and Rose, and their father, an extremely religious man after the death of their mother who has a seizure on the way home from the grocery store in a downpour..  From that point forward, the girls are expected to carry on their mother's religious duties.

Sounds all drama-riffic, right?


Yeah, no.

Gosh, CHEST freezers come in handy...  Yes, I know it was bad.  Sue me.
So.  The family is a cannibal clan.  It's not even subtle about it.  I'm sure the kids have known for years that long pig barbeques nicely.  And now they're all, "Y'know?  Maybe I don't WANT to have to butcher the butcher or skin the schoolmarm to get a decent meal.  Can't we just go to Mickey D's?  Seriously, there's one right down the street."

But noooooo.  Dad has to be all, "I'm the head of the household and your religious leader so you're gonna fast until it's time for the slashy-slashy."

This guy?  Collateral damage.  And the local deputy.  And boinking a cannibal.
This is a GOOD movie though so you're not getting any more out of me on it.  You'll have to watch it for yourselves.  It's a SLOW burn, so be prepared for that.  Like, stock up on munchies BEFORE you sit down because putting this on pause for a minute makes you miss details.

Seriously, though, this one is dramatic without being melodramatic and it could have easily crossed that line. You feel for the girls even knowing what they are and knowing that THEY know what they are.  They want to get out of the life they were handed and it comes down to some pretty drastic measures.   Even the smaller parts have some sympathetic qualities.  The little brother they want to protect.  The local boy that Iris has a crush on.  The neighbor (Kelly McGillis) who offers a vegetarian meal (HA!).

Does it LOOK like we want your damn 5-bean salad?
And the tension builds throughout.  It doesn't peak and valley, it crescendos. You come out of this one satisfied, you really do.  It takes a while to get where it's going but from there it takes you to some awesome new places that seem familiar but really aren't.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and I think you will, too.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Update-y stuff

Hey, all.  I have had a NASTY couple of weeks and I'm headed to visit the in-laws so I can't really post again for another week or so (but I'll have my laptop with me so if I can sneak one in here and there over the next week, yay for me).

Just didn't want you thinkin' I deserted ya.