Flames... On the Side of My Face...

I...

Am entirely too forgiving a person.

Yet again, I find myself in need of a Hooters tank top, a 40, a cop and a film crew so that they can capture my "But he didn't mean nuthin' by it, he loves me!" moment even though we all know that he hates my fucking guts. Of course, we can't always get what we want, which is why YOU'RE here.

To help me fulfill my dream of being a professional complainer.

Dammiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!

I knew better.

I knew better going into this thing that I was gonna fucking hate it.  I knew that HACK, Eli Roth, was going to give us a flaming turd again.  I knew that I was going to watch privileged white kids get eaten which, by itself, isn't a bad thing but FUCK ME if I didn't want to serve these fuckers in a stew myself.

Awwww... someone nabbed a hair extension!  I wanted that!

Now, we all know that this is a throwback to Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Ferox (both of which are pretty fucking awful in their own right but that grindhouse kind of awful that we expect and love) but, seriously, Roth, the point of making this kind of movie is to IMPROVE the genre, not eat it from the inside out.

From the screaming, iPhone-attached, daddy's money white kids to the utterly imperialistic and racist portrayal of "cannibal brown people" to the lack of respect for film making and the horror genre, this is a goddamn BARKER.

This does not look well-researched.

I don't even know why I'm spending so much time with you on this.  Run.  Fucking.  Screaming.  From.  This.

For real.  Don't waste your time. 

Eli Roth owes me anal sex for this.  I'm serious.