Friday, June 28, 2013

Insert Sexually Charged Warrant Lyric Here

Picture it.  The year 2000.  Four years after Scream made every teen slasher film self referential and ironic.  There was madness in the streets and half-assed horror films were lurking in every corner.  The faces of the entire cast were squeezed and layered on every poster.

Horrifying.

And then came this under-rated gem.


Much like in Hellbent, this one starts out with a couple in a car making out and getting massacred by a mysterious killer in black. .Meanwhile, Jody (Brittany Murphy) and her soon to be ex boyfriend are making out and Kenny thinks it's time to go all the way.  She, of course, does not WANT to go all the way and leaves the poor guy with a serious case of blue balls only to get in trouble with her dad because she's out past curfew.

The next day, when her dad, Brent (Michael Biehn), is investigating the murders, they find "virgin" carved on each of the corpses.

Except this guy.  Not a virgin.  Cute smile, though.


Wait, what?

And, then, when a third victim is found, Brent holds a town hall meeting to inform parents.  This, of course, starts a fight.  Jody and her buddy, Timmy, are eavesdropping on the meeting and Timmy goes off to make a call.  Jody follows him and finds him stuffed into a locker, dead.  Then the killer is after her but her dad saves her.

Poor Timmy.

Jody describes her would-be killer to the police and Brent confides in the principal that the suspect looks like one Lora Lee Sherman.  We're not quite sure of the significance of this, yet, but Jody heard the whole conversation.  
Of course, the word gets out that those with cherries still intact are being targeted, the kids in the town plan a full-scale orgy to rid themselves of their potential victimhood.  This, in turn, drives parents completely bugfuck (when they find out about it), which they do because it reaches the LOCAL NEWS!  How this happened, we'll never know.

SHUT!  UP!

So, Jody and Kenny reconcile and, later on, Jody learns about the gang-rape claim by Lora Lee Sherman... the accusation includes her father.  Because apparently Sheriff Brent had a wild streak.  Because rape culture is alive and well, she wasn't believed and she left town and hadn't been heard from since.  Because this freaks her out, she hunts down Kenny and tries to get down and dirty but Kenny, like a responsible young man who completely forgot that he tried to push HER into sex at the beginning of the movie, refuses, saying that she should do it because she wants to, not because pissed at her parents.  This pisses Jody off and she breaks up with him again.

So, anyway, long story short, Orgy happens, dad gets all perforated but not killed, beloved English teacher in drag is the killer, Jody's dad COULD be English teacher's father, weirdness ensues, police reports get filed, film is possibly left open for a sequel.

Worst lube EVER!

In a world where every stupid teenager that goes to have sex in a cabin in the woods where there's a psychotic lunatic with an axe running about, it's refreshing to see a movie where every stupid teenager that DOESN'T go to have sex in a cabin in the woods still get a knife to the eyeball.  This is one example of the inversion of a trrope that was actually done kinda right.

Except for one thing:  How DOES the killer know that the victims are virgins?  It's kinda improbable that they would be able to hear everything that goes on in a teenager's life?  And how would they know about a guy, anyway?

In any case, this movie, while not one of Brittany Murphy's best, was certainly entertaining.  I mean, it's cheesy but what teenage slasher flick isn't?  It was probably the last GOOD movie Michael Biehn will ever make.

I kinda wish Brittany Murphy could see this, really.  She was a star.  Her untimely death was a sad, sad thing because I really enjoyed watching her improve her craft.  She didn't do a lot in the horror genre but this unsung, b-grade giggler should be getting more attention than it's gotten in the past.