No, seriously. What did I watch? I'm not sure. Was it a comedy? Was it a horror film? Was it a waste of digital space? Was it a smorgasbord of cgi bullshit? Yes. All of it. Yes.
Our movie starts with a damn flashback and we all know that's never a good thing. In this case, though, we get the return of Dan Haggerty. Dan Haggerty who needs to fire his damn agent because his career is about as inspiring as Elizabeth Berkely's.
It still doesn't help.
So, yeah. He's a late 19th century logging foreman. He's all grinding his scary junk on this big cow that cookie is spit-roasting (only not really). He goes to take a dump and returns to find his entire camp in chunks. Then he gets manhandled by the Elephant Man and force-fed to a ripsaw.
|Say hello to my little friend.|
|Disrespect is the new black.|
|Hi. I'm Douche-y McDrug-Dealer.|
On this hike, Douche-y picks up a gigantic cow horn. Actually... an OX horn. You get where we're going with this, right?
|I got you, Babe.|
Yeah. That cow from the beginning was Babe. Loggers ate Babe the Big Blue Ox. I'd say he looked tasty but HE was fucking CGI, too.
Anyway! This, of course, pisses the still living and fucking immense PAUL GODDAMN BUNYON off, so he chases the team through the forest, hacking and slashing willy-nilly, actually stomping on Sergeant Tightpants because he was an ass.
|Yes, those are CGI intestines.|
A hook-and-eye catch to stop a two-story tall dude with a gigantic fucking axe that he sharpens on a cave wall.
These people are stupid and deserve to die.
|Shake that bitch like a fresh glow-stick!|
I don't know why I do this to myself. Yes, this film is completely laughable and that makes it kind of worth it but I really think we need to stop handing money to cheap CGI houses. Those bitches ruin everything. Practical may not be cheap but FUCKING USE IT! CGI should only be used to ENHANCE effects, not replace them.
Do your fucking job, effects folks.
Don't make me come get you.