We're Gonna Need a Bigger Blog.

IT'S SHARK WEEK, KIDS!

That's right, bitches, we're covering the reason we won't go into the water all week.  Sleek, blue aquatic missiles with teeth.  Apex predators who want to eat our faces.  Well, maybe not OUR faces in real life since more people die of bee stings and lightning strikes every year than shark attacks but you know what I'm saying.

So, yeah.  In preparation for this week, I sat my happy ass on the couch and turned off my brain, yesterday (FINALLY) and binge watched BOTH Sharknado flicks for you.

Syfy movies have caused me to lose faith in humanity, for reals.

"Hey!  Let's take something that's already awful and horrifying and combine it with something EQUALLY awful and horrifying and put them together like an awful and horrifying Reese's cup and make a movie about it!"  This appears to be The Asylum's go-to strategy and, fuck if I know why, it works for them.  Those bitches HAVE to be laughing all the way to the bank.

Now, let's get this straight right off the bat, kids.  These are PAINFULLY bad movies.  So let's keep that in mind as we move along, shall we?

Hey, look.  A lifeguard working on an ex-Baywatch alum... who doesn't know what a tourniquet is.

Sharknado starts with a completely throwaway thing about a shady fisherman and his equally shady Asian business associate who are trying to out-shade each other without knowing that the titular sharknado has already begun (Yes, tornados can suck up sea life, by the way... it just doesn't remain living while it's in there and the worst thing that would happen is you getting smooshed by a couple hundred pounds of dead fish).  Both of them get their faces chewed.

Then, there's bad surfing by Ian (pronounced EYEan... like a douche) Zeiring whose character's name is Fin (fucking seriously?),  the handsome, Tasmanian best friend, Baz, getting nibbled on enough to get him a big bandage (and the keys to my bedroom but that's only because Jaason Simmons is hot and plays for my team), the girl who's all shark-hatey for some vague reason that isn't explained until almost the end of the movie and the main guy getting all "shit's going down but we don't know why so I have to save my family even though Tara Reid and her giant saggy nipples still can't act her way out a paper bag and hates me now because we divorced for some stupid reason that's never fully explained."

She likes guns.

Then it's all OHNOES!  Los Angeles is flooding, Los Angelinos apparently gather in small groups when things get wet and then complain about the non-existent traffic problems and people that live near a beach know nothing about getting out of the water!

By the way, can someone tell me how a house on TOP of a hill gets flooded enough to garner a fucking shark in the living room?  One that is shown to have adequate drainage just below it? 

So, yeah, off to rescue more people.  Tara "Unfortunate Boob Job" Reid gets all "You're saving people and this is why I divorced you" and Cousin Oliver has a lame panic attack and gets smooshed by the Hollywood sign.  They reach the field where the eldest child is taking flight lessons (also, really unexplained) where they gather their forces and plan to send explosives into the sharknados.  Because science.

Then this happens.

Wait, what?

And this:

Yep.  Jumps right up in there.  Like Jordan with a chainsaw.

Freaky birth analogy happens because that shark he jumps into?  It's the one that ate shark-hater girl.

ANYWAY!  On to round two where there's already been a book published and the reconciled couple goes to New York for TV appearances and, basically, everybody and their damn mother wants a fucking cameo and that's what the second one is about.

Nope.  Still lost in that paper bag.

Yep.  Sharknados take Manhattan.  Like the damn Muppets.  Which is totally funny because the CGI guys need to fuck right the hell off.  Because their CGI-Fu is weak and the sharks look less convincing than a Muppet.  We could have had Elmonado and it would have looked better.

Did we mention the cameos?  They got the entire fucking Today show cast, Biz Markie, the dude from Shark Tank, Judd Hirsch DRIVING A TAXI, Kelly Osbourne, Kurt Angle, Downtown Julie Brown, Billy Ray Cyrus, that Subway asshole, Perez Hilton, Kelly Ripa, Rachel True, Richard Kind, Andy Dick, Sandra "Pepa" Denton, Robert Klein, Robert Hays (The pilot?  Really?) and anybody else they could get 5 minutes with in New York.  TOO MUCH!

Plus Vivica A. Fox looking all street 'n' shit and being named "Skye" because combined the two characters, had they married, would have made "Skye-Fin" which is just way too deep for this movie.

Oh, and did I mention Mark McGrath with his ALSO horrible plastic surgery?  Because he's the brother-in-law.  Why did Syfy make me stare at his ugly mug for 2 hours?  Why?

So, anyhoo, all of this is a giant clusterfuck of delicious awfulness.  Every single one of these people just phoned these movies right the fuck in and I'm kind of glad they did.  It lent to that intentional unintentional hilarity that you would expect from movies with Sharknado in their title.  I don't ever want to watch them AGAIN, mind you, but these movies and a couple of Hot Pockets kept me entertained for a few hours.  Badly entertained.  Because they seriously strapped a buzzsaw to Tara Reid's arm and made this happen on the roof of an F.D.N.Y firetruck all Matrix-y.

I don't know HOW the Hot Pockets people don't get sued for mouth damage, by the way.  You can let those fuckers chill out for an hour and you'll STILL burn your lips.

Yeah, so, uhhh... I'm not saying to skip these because you get what you pay for.  In fact, I'm saying to watch them because the awfulness is so hilarious that it could bring a suicide back from the ledge.  You think YOU'VE got it bad?  Take a look at the careers of THESE assholes.

I Wanna Axe You a Question.

What the everliving fuck did I just watch?

No, seriously.  What did I watch?  I'm not sure.  Was it a comedy?  Was it a horror film?  Was it a waste of digital space?  Was it a smorgasbord of cgi bullshit?  Yes.  All of it.  Yes.

Don't get me wrong, I knew what I was getting into but fuuuuuuuuuuck.  This was horrifically hilarious.  Once again, do NOT make this into a drinking game because you WILL keel the fuck over.

Our movie starts with a damn flashback and we all know that's never a good thing.  In this case, though, we get the return of Dan Haggerty.  Dan Haggerty who needs to fire his damn agent because his career is about as inspiring as Elizabeth Berkely's.

It still doesn't help.

So, yeah.  He's a late 19th century logging foreman.  He's all grinding his scary junk on this big cow that cookie is spit-roasting (only not really).  He goes to take a dump and returns to find his entire camp in chunks.  Then he gets manhandled by the Elephant Man and force-fed to a ripsaw.

Say hello to my little friend.

Fast forward to modern day where a bunch of idiot teenagers are being shuffled off to a "first offenders" camp to scare them straight.  They have an asshole police sergeant leading the way and a meek and mild counselor to help them work through their daddy issues.

Disrespect is the new black.

Of course, the felons in training bond on the bus to camp.

Hi.  I'm Douche-y McDrug-Dealer.

They get harassed by the local madman around the campfire and then, in standard prison film fashion, some of the inmates try to have sex and get caught and are forced to go on a hike.  Actually, all of them are forced on a hike but whattayagonna do?

On this hike, Douche-y picks up a gigantic cow horn.  Actually... an OX horn.  You get where we're going with this, right?

I got you, Babe.

Yes, kids, they just graverobbed Babe the Big Blue Ox.

Really?  Seriously?

Fuck me.

Yeah.  That cow from the beginning was Babe.  Loggers ate Babe the Big Blue Ox.  I'd say he looked tasty but HE was fucking CGI, too.

Anyway!  This, of course, pisses the still living and fucking immense PAUL GODDAMN BUNYON off, so he chases the team through the forest, hacking and slashing willy-nilly, actually stomping on Sergeant Tightpants because he was an ass.

Yes, those are CGI intestines.

They get back to the cabin and lock themselves in with a fucking hook-and-eye catch.

A hook-and-eye catch to stop a two-story tall dude with a gigantic fucking axe that he sharpens on a cave wall.

These people are stupid and deserve to die.

Shake that bitch like a fresh glow-stick!

My fucking brain hurts.

I don't know why I do this to myself.  Yes, this film is completely laughable and that makes it kind of worth it but I really think we need to stop handing money to cheap CGI houses.  Those bitches ruin everything.  Practical may not be cheap but FUCKING USE IT!  CGI should only be used to ENHANCE effects, not replace them.

Do your fucking job, effects folks.

Don't make me come get you.