My children, I have return-eth-ed to you. To snark your eyeballs into oblivion and annoy your parents. To make children skip in the streets and to make directors cry and hang themselves. To ignore my own aching brain to provide YOU. Yes, you. With comedic splendors.
'Cause that's how I roll.
So, yeah. Let's talk about Insidious, shall we?
Can we talk about how this is quite possibly the worst "haunting" movie I have ever seen? Can we talk about how Patrick Wilson will never, ever win any kind of award other then a Golden Raspberry? Can we talk about how Universal Studios theme parks have lost a modicum of allure from me because they embraced this shitpile? Can we talk about how James Wan and Leigh Whannell need to be eaten slowly by kittens?
SURE we can.
Plot: House is haunted. Turns out house is not haunted. Kid is haunted. Turns out kid is not haunted. Dad is haunted. Creepy old lady ghost that looks entirely too much like the awesome ghost from Dead Silence only wearing enough black tulle to gag a drag queen wants to be all "breathing" again.
|It's called "foundation". Invest.|
OH! And we're totally gonna talk about Insidious Chapter 2, too. Because that shit is packed with more cheese than a Wisconsin colon.
|OH NOES! LET'S THREATEN A BABY! And then go nowhere with that.|
|Yeah. Not a hugger, I'm guessin'.|
Grandma is still worried.
PABLUM! THESE MOVIES ARE FUCKING PABLUM!
Pablum: Bland, mushy, unappetizing and infantile. Much like a Disney Channel sitcom. Except Disney Channel sitcoms are oddly charming.
I like Mighty Med. Sue me.
What the fuck, Hollywood. Are you SO driven to pander to the lowest common denominator that you can't actually recognize that a horror movie isn't scary? Or intelligent? Or watchable? Damn, son, My Little Pony is scarier than this shit.
|Seriously. Find and read the MLP fanfic "Cupcakes". Pinky-Pie is fuckin' psycho.|
So, yeah. If anyone can make all extant copies of either of these movies disappear, there may be sexual favors involved. Just sayin'.