Parents Just Don't Understand

As I've said, previously, the British have really been stepping up to the plate in terms of horror, lately.  Yes, yes, Hammer and Amicus, blah, blah.  Those films are classics and all but I'm talking about the new blood.

This brings us to today's review of Steven Sheil's 2008 torture horror masterpiece, Mum & Dad.

This movie kind of has that "kitchen sink" feeling to it, in which you can recognize bits of inspiration from everywhere but it is definitely greater than the sum of its parts.

The movie starts out with Lena, an immigrant working at Heathrow Airport who suddenly and inexplicably gets help cleaning the toilets from Birdie, an insufferable chatterbox who, later, turns out to be a complete bitch.  (We're GETTING there. Hush!)  Through the magic of exposition, we discover that Birdie is a klepto and Lena used to have some behavioral issues but she's better, now and she carries around a compact left to her by her grandmother that Birdie takes a shine to.  Also, we discover that Birdie's whole family works at the airport and her brother doesn't talk much.  Since, in the midst of all this exposition, Lena misses her bus, Birdie invites her to spend the night at her place.  While looking around, we meet Dad who proceeds to knock her unconscious and give her an injection.

AGAIN!  Where do the psychos get the injectibles!?!  

What, exactly, is it with Londoners and their wifebeaters, anyway?

Lena wakes up and finds that she's handcuffed to a bed.

It turns out that Mum and Dad are serial killers who have a SERIOUSLY twisted sense of "family" and they've done this before.  Lena's been "adopted" and now she is Mum's personal playtoy and Mum calls her "her little angel" and says if she doesn't behave, she'll have to give her to Dad.  And Mum likes to break her dollies.  And Dad?  He's more of a plushie.  (Do I REALLY have to explain what a plushie is?  Suffice it to say that stuffed animals are not immune to rape and murder.)

 This is the story of Susie and Bill.

Susie likes torture while Bill likes to kill.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

One of the nifty things about this movie is that the family relationships are deliberately left vague.  We don't know if Birdie is really their daughter but, apparently she's the best behaved since she's the only one that gets to walk around free.  They also have a very "good cop, bad cop" style to their madness and it's an interesting dynamic to watch.  Well, besides the other weirdness like watching porn at the breakfast table, sorting through stolen luggage and dad making a masturbation sleeve out of human flesh.

The other kind of cool thing about this movie is that you don't know how long Lena is with them.  There's no telling the date when it starts and it's probably Christmas when they celebrate Christmas but these people are whackadoodle so they MIGHT just be exchanging knives and porn and engaging in local human trafficking for the fun of it.

Personally, I think this is one of the best serial killer/torture horror movies out there.  The suspense is tangible and you really learn to hate these people by the end.  They deserve whatever happens to them and I was glad to watch it happen.

Watch it.  Then call your parents and tell them you're glad they aren't completely batshit crazy.

Aww, MAN! I Hate Tests!

You remember my obsession with the freaks and geeks of the world, right?

I was HOPING that Joey Stewart's 2010 The Final would fit the bill and it very much did.

As avid a fan of the AfterDark Horrorfest as I was (I say was because they are now AfterDark Originals), I looked forward the the 8 new bits and bobs of terror they brought me ever year and, really, I still do.  They put out, for the most part, good product and The Final is no exception.  The only really BAD one I saw from AfterDark is fucking Nightmare Man.  That shit needs to be burned.

ANYHOO!  The Final is another one of those movies where the victim becomes the monster that I love so much.  When it comes to teenage revenge films, this is one of the more visceral and that makes me a happy nerd.

Maybe not this happy.

So, anyway, unlike May or Carrie, where you deal with a single scary loner who snaps, you're dealing with a bunch of kids who plan this shit out.  And you're dealing with nerds, here.  These are the kids who tutor you in chemistry.  Shit's about to go down.

The movie starts with a kind of montage of the torture that these kids go through every day which, in and of itself, should tell you that these kids have plenty to be pissed about.  So the kids decide to hold a party at a cabin in the woods that one of them just inherited.  Fortunately, no one knows who owns the place so all of the popular kids go "Like, OMG, a party!  Let's go!  There might be drugs!"

This is because popular kids are stupid, apparently.

And she's 16.  But her hair is fabulous.

And then the fun starts.  Remember what I said about chemistry?  It gets used A LOT!  Like a homemade paralytic (again, I still don't know where people get the needles... is there some kind of heroin junkie supply shop near all of these people?  One that advertises "Psycho Special, Buy One Get One Free, Sterilization Package Optional"?) and a kind of acidic paste that doesn't really eat your skin but, rather, makes it kind of melt.

 Not like this... but it would totally be worth it for all those wedgies.

This movie is DARK.  Like, blacker than black humor is even sparse.  These kids have had enough so they decide if they're gonna go out, they're going out with a bang.  Their leader doesn't even have pity for his own people and kills one of them for getting the one cool kid they liked a key to get out.

One of the cool things about this one is that it references a lot of other films, most notably Audition.  It's kind of fun to pick out the inspirations, here.

The sad thing is that, drugs, strange chemicals and the shepherding of popular kids to a kegger aside, this plot is 100% plausible.  The basis of this movie is the Columbine massacre, among other school shootings, where young outcasts lashed out at anyone and everyone.  And it's movies like this, along with my own life experience, that make me even more thankful for anti-bullying initiatives and programs like The Trevor Project.

As for my enjoyment of the film, The Final is bittersweet.  It's got a great plot and it's an awesome watch but the fact that it hits VERY close to home almost makes the torture porn worth it.  It's very much a revenge fantasy and while the idea of revenge is always interesting, we all know that all revenge really does is get your soul all sticky.  Your mileage on this one, as always, may vary.

Hitchhikers Are Still Bad, Right?

OK, I'll totally admit that I watched Vile out of a Face-Off fanboy moment.  I saw McKenzie Westmore's name and I said, "Oh, hey.  We know she's kinda stiff as a presenter.  Let's see if her acting is as wooden as those fashionable wedges she wears."

Well?  Fortunately, she doesn't show up a lot and, for what it's worth, she's actually funny in this one but they gave her close to top billing for a part that lasts less than ten minutes.  YAY, marketing.

Anyway, I can tell you that the people who hate torture porn will ABHOR this movie because that's all it is from start to finish.  The story goes like this:  Kids are on the way back home from a camping trip when they pick up a hitchhiker (Westmore) who gasses them.  They wake up in a cabin whereupon scary mad scientist lady shows up on a screen and tells them that they have vials attached to the back of their heads that must be filled with a certain chemical that the brain produces in 22 hours.  This chemical is produced when the human body is subjected to extreme pain.

Science is MAAAAAAAAAgiiiiic!

Right there, this told me that this flick is gonna be more wince-incuding than a towel-whip to the gonads.  I didn't know if it was gonna hit or not but, damn, if I didn't flinch.

I was pleasantly surprised, though.  The film had a little bite to it.  It's more along that whole "man's inhumanity to man" thing, but it wasn't forced.  It flowed smoothly between "we HAVE to do this" to a few characters that were "we WANT to do this" and one character that was just too hot to handle.  Every cast has to have a douchebag. 

And some casts consist ONLY of douchebags.

There's some genuine tenderness between a few of the cast members, though and this is what brings Vile a few notches above your standard low-budget torture porn.  And there are a few twists along the way, as well.  One of the characters is pregnant so they have to figure out how to harvest from her without hurting her TOO badly, for example.

Ultimately, though, this movie is enjoyable but it's only a notch or two above "I just graduated from Tom Savini's School of Special Effects and my mommy bought me a camera".  Vile is so full of burns, punctures, slashes, missing fingernails, black eyes and cauliflower ears that it may as well have been filmed at a wife beaters convention.  That, on top of the fairly ludicrous "black market brain chemicals" angle, makes it ostensibly silly.  I enjoyed it but we all know I'm a sick motherfucker, don't we?

If anything, I say give it a try.  Hearing an attractive SyFy reality show presenter yelling "fucking rednecks" should make you chuckle.