Worst. Baby Shower. Ever.

So... horror movie fans?  Show of hands.  Who wants a vacation?

I know I do but there are places I won't go.  Australia.  Haiti.  Uganda.

When it comes to horror movies, though, it appears that anywhere near South America should be right the fuck off of anyone's list.  So what does the couple in Devil's Due do?  They take their honeymoon in the goddamn Dominican Republic.

And to add to the stupid,  the newlywed wife gets her palm read which is never fucking good.  Ever.  You may believe in it and that's all well and good but if you want your skin and wallet to remain intact, it's probably best to leave that shit alone.  Like Ouija Boards.  That shit will just fuck your life up.

You masturbate a lot, don't you?

Next act of dumb?  Letting the cabby decide your destination, particularly when it leads to an underground club full of what happens to be newlyweds on their honeymoons.  'Cause, seriously, that's just too strange to be a coincidence.

SO, yeah.  All of this leads to OHNOES a pregnancy.  Which makes the dude very happy but, of course, screws with the young wife's plans for the future.  Dammit, she's never gonna graduate, now!  The fact that she's pregnant with a demon and being followed around by zealot Satanists is just icing on the cake.

HI, MOM!  Love me!

Following an increasing weird pregnancy through the auspices of a handi-cam is not normally my idea of a fun time although I'm not gonna call this bad because it isn't.  In fact it's kind of awesome, even though it's trope-heavy as all fuck.

I mean, seriously?  Possession by baby?  Been done.  Mom eating raw meat?  Yep.  Possessee killing the local wildlife for a snack?  Checkaroonie.  This is what caused the death of Bambi's mom, kids.  Arranged pregnancy and Satan-baby?  Done and done.

CGI-extended Venom-jaw?  Oh, yeah.

All-in-all, this is pretty damn tame for a P-horror film.  Body count is low.  Gore is almost non-existent.  It's a good watch with some awesome moments and a decent amount of suspense but otherwise, meh.  I've seen it all before.  There's people in this that need eaten but, nooooo.  Most of them live.  The Hellboy horns on the kid are kinda worth it, though.

Barrow: Worst Tourist Trap, EVER!

Sorry for the delay, kids.  Uncle Bob had to work.  DAMN that "real-life" thing!

Anyway, in the annuls of the "comics-to-film" genre, we don't often get horror but Steve Niles' 30 Days of Night was BEGGING to be transferred to film.

In case you are NOT aware of the comic, it comes in a handy omnibus form from IDW.  Go get yourself a copy and read it because it's kind of amazing.  I'll wait.

*Jeopardy Theme*

Ready?  OK, then.

30 Days of Night is kind of a very localized doomsday scenario.  Barrow, Alaska, in real life, experiences 65 days per year between November and January where the sun stays below the horizon.  This is known as "Polar Night" and is depicted fictionally as the "30 days".  (Just to be clear, Barrow gets a lot of twilight and night but not a lot of "day" during that time.)

Now, it appears that there is a global vampire conspiracy and it took the bloodsucking hordes THOUSANDS OF YEARS to determine that the polar areas get less sunlight.  Because vampires are, apparently, dumber'n'a box o' rocks.

Durrrrrrrrrrrr.

Barrow's sparse population is ravaged for a month by vampires that, thank Blogathotep, do NOT sparkle and, in fact, look like they stepped DIRECTLY out of the Uncanny Valley and don't even leave two tiny, neat holes.  If you have a throat you can basically consider it missing chunks.  They even have their own secret vampire language.  Because they're MONSTERS and that is the way it should be.  There's some kind of drama involving the sheriff and his ex-wife (because the idiots that produced it thought there should be some sexual tension instead of dealing with the loving couple that is presented in the comic).

OOH!  OOH!  Plus?!  There a little kid vampire who brings to mind both Gage from Pet Sematary AND Claudia from Interview with the Vampire!  Except she's not all pissy about the not aging thing.  That got old REAL quick. 

Suck it, Kirsten Dunst!

Now, for a simple plot, the movie has more holes in it than Swiss cheese but I don't think I have to remind anyone that cheese is delicious.  Seriously, don't put any more thought into this one than is required to giggle at the people who wince at a few axe blows.  This is bleak but it's kind of an over the top bleak that skirts the edges of "camp".  I like it a lot.

I will NOT, however, visit Barrow, Alaska.

This would be because snow is of the devil.

So, THIS Is What Shame Feels Like...

I've been around a few months, I know, and some of you have gotten to know me through other venues but for the new folks, I have a confession to make.

As much as I rail on about PG-13 horror...

I really liked Dead Silence.

I can hear you all now.  "*AUDIBLE GASP*  NO, BOB!  Say it isn't so.  Don't do it.  You have so much to live for."

And TRUST ME when I say I wish it wasn't the case.  Cause this was NOT a good movie by a long shot.

It is my secret shame.  Well, that and an inordinate fondness for the smell of gasoline.  And the Spice Girls.  And America's Next Top Model.  And SHUTUPYOU'RENOTTHEBOSSOFME!!

 

Have some gummy bears and hush your hate hole.

You know the drill.  We have to talk about the story first.  No dessert until you've eaten your dinner.

Jamie and Lisa, a young couple living in the city (Ryan Kwanten pre-True Blood and Laura Regan who has her own nerd-cred) get a package in the mail.  Some sick fuck sent them a creepy ventriloquist dummy.  Because no person in their right mind would present another person with a ventriloquist dummy unless that person specifically requested a ventriloquist dummy.

Totally funny thing?  When I was a kid, I ASKED for a ventriloquist dummy and nobody gave me one.  I'm assuming my father, who used to run around with a werewolf mask frightening his children for no goddamned reason, refused to have one in the house.  I KNOW they wigged my mom out because she'd seen Magic but I like to pretend that my dad was afraid of SOMETHING.  LET ME HAVE THIS!!

*Ahem*

ANYWAY, so wifey-poo reminisces about her town's urban legend and then Jamie goes to get dinner.  When he comes back, Lisa has had her tongue removed because even though she can remember the rules that come in a cute, little, ominous childhood poem, she can't fucking obey them.

 

See what you get?  On the upside, she MIGHT have a career in barnyard porn.

The police (as represented by former teen pop star Donnie Wahlberg who can't stand that his little brother has a better career than his), of course, suspect Jamie, because a normal person would totally do this, and start stalking him, and in the process Jamie discovers that the dummy belonged to the old homestead's resident harpy and serial kid killer, Mary Shaw, who REALLY liked her puppets.  (This is PG-13.  Let your mind roam where it may.)  So he goes back to the small town from which he came to get away from it all.

So, minor things happen, he ends up talking to the crazy mortician's wife who convinces him to bury the puppet in Mary's puppet graveyard.  Yes, there is a puppet graveyard.  Why?  Did you even read the previous paragraph?  When you're inordinately fond of wood and felt, anything's possible.

Then there's this flashback to the mortician as a kid attending one of her shows where she does turn of the century ventriloquist stuff and bores the hell out of her audience until a kid picks a fight with her until she displays her awesome ventriloquist powers which shuts him up.  Then the kid goes missing and Mary gets blamed and the town lynches her and tears out her tongue.  Her last request is to be turned into a ventriloquist dummy herself and buried with her puppets... in the puppet cemetery... because she is now a puppet... and apparently a ghost, too, because the mortician also knocked over her casket before she was buried and she tried to kill him but couldn't because he didn't scream.  This is important.

Also, she looked like this.  Worst.  Barbie.  Ever.

So, yeah.  This movie is ridiculousness on a stick.  It's got that schlocky feel that most teen horror movies have and it almost feels like James Wan kind of phoned it in since he was more concerned about his SUCCESSFUL franchise at the time.

But here's the thing.  This movie could be SO much more.  It has that Japanese Revenge Ghost quality to it that everybody ignores.  It's closer to The Grudge than anything and hokey plot device or not, a lot of people think ventriloquist dummies are creepy as fuck.  I, personally, don't have a problem but since Magic, as mentioned above, I've always liked the thought of a ventriloquist villain.  It's TOTALLY Batman in its over-the-top-ness.

Here you go, kids.  Clowns AND ventriloquist dummies all in one!  Sweet dreams!

I say "your mileage may vary" a lot on here because, seriously, this is my blog and your opinion may differ from mine, but I really do suggest people give this one another try.  It's got a subtle awesomeness underneath the bad script and jumpy plot.  

Yes, I'm recommending a movie on concept alone.

Don't judge me.

Now I Know My ABCs...

THE LONG WAIT IS OVER!

The ABC's of Death is on Pay-Per-View and it is glorious!

Ant Timpson and Tim League want to play a game.  That game is, can we fit 26 shorts, each dealing with a letter of the alphabet, into a two hour movie.

YES, THEY CAN!

And they got some AMAZING talent to do it.  Directors like Angela Bettis (E is for Exterminate), Ti West (M is for Miscarriage) and Adam Wingard (Q is for Quack) give us the best trip to Sesame Street, EVER.

Only maybe not.

Yes, there are furries... but there is no F is for Furry.  Go fig.

See, here's the thing.  Mondo Cinema is awesome and all and I'm all about putting forth the weird but some of these shorts are just plain fucked up.  And not fucked up in a good way.  Artistic vision is one thing but if it takes longer to explain the short than it does to watch it, that could be considered a problem.

Also, if you're not into poop jokes, don't watch.  There are a LOT of toilet references in this one.  In fact, there is a segment called "T is for Toilet" which is an entry chosen via online contest.  It involves one little boy's fear of toilet training and is actually kind of hilarious. 

Scarred.  For.  Life.

None of this is to say that it's not a heck of a lot of fun.  Yeah, there are some misses, but we've got mostly hits and that's a good thing.  We've got some hilariousness,  we've got twists, we've got the absolutely bizarre, we've got poop jokes, we've got internationalism (YAY, global consciousness!), we've got standard horror and we've got gore.  Hell, we've got zombie clowns, too, if that's what you're into.

One thing we ALSO have, in some cases, is extreme social messages.  The one that comes to mind here is "X is for XXL".  A little French ditty about a fat woman who really just has enough of the bullying and takes things into her own hands.

This is NOT a jolly fat woman.

It gives a short, sharp view of the effects of advertising and bullying on a person's psyche and why women go to the lengths they do to diet.  It's horrific and poignant and a little bit sad.

I guarantee that there is something in this for EVERY horror fan to enjoy.  It may not be the whole picture but, as with American Mary, the hype for this one is, I think, well deserved.  Be prepared for subtitles, though.  A lot of them. 

I'ma go play with Legos, now.

Parents Just Don't Understand

As I've said, previously, the British have really been stepping up to the plate in terms of horror, lately.  Yes, yes, Hammer and Amicus, blah, blah.  Those films are classics and all but I'm talking about the new blood.

This brings us to today's review of Steven Sheil's 2008 torture horror masterpiece, Mum & Dad.

This movie kind of has that "kitchen sink" feeling to it, in which you can recognize bits of inspiration from everywhere but it is definitely greater than the sum of its parts.

The movie starts out with Lena, an immigrant working at Heathrow Airport who suddenly and inexplicably gets help cleaning the toilets from Birdie, an insufferable chatterbox who, later, turns out to be a complete bitch.  (We're GETTING there. Hush!)  Through the magic of exposition, we discover that Birdie is a klepto and Lena used to have some behavioral issues but she's better, now and she carries around a compact left to her by her grandmother that Birdie takes a shine to.  Also, we discover that Birdie's whole family works at the airport and her brother doesn't talk much.  Since, in the midst of all this exposition, Lena misses her bus, Birdie invites her to spend the night at her place.  While looking around, we meet Dad who proceeds to knock her unconscious and give her an injection.

AGAIN!  Where do the psychos get the injectibles!?!  

What, exactly, is it with Londoners and their wifebeaters, anyway?

Lena wakes up and finds that she's handcuffed to a bed.

It turns out that Mum and Dad are serial killers who have a SERIOUSLY twisted sense of "family" and they've done this before.  Lena's been "adopted" and now she is Mum's personal playtoy and Mum calls her "her little angel" and says if she doesn't behave, she'll have to give her to Dad.  And Mum likes to break her dollies.  And Dad?  He's more of a plushie.  (Do I REALLY have to explain what a plushie is?  Suffice it to say that stuffed animals are not immune to rape and murder.)

 This is the story of Susie and Bill.

Susie likes torture while Bill likes to kill.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

One of the nifty things about this movie is that the family relationships are deliberately left vague.  We don't know if Birdie is really their daughter but, apparently she's the best behaved since she's the only one that gets to walk around free.  They also have a very "good cop, bad cop" style to their madness and it's an interesting dynamic to watch.  Well, besides the other weirdness like watching porn at the breakfast table, sorting through stolen luggage and dad making a masturbation sleeve out of human flesh.

The other kind of cool thing about this movie is that you don't know how long Lena is with them.  There's no telling the date when it starts and it's probably Christmas when they celebrate Christmas but these people are whackadoodle so they MIGHT just be exchanging knives and porn and engaging in local human trafficking for the fun of it.

Personally, I think this is one of the best serial killer/torture horror movies out there.  The suspense is tangible and you really learn to hate these people by the end.  They deserve whatever happens to them and I was glad to watch it happen.

Watch it.  Then call your parents and tell them you're glad they aren't completely batshit crazy.

It's STILL SLIMMING! Gawd.

Sorry about yesterday, kids.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I got lazy and didn't want to hunt down a computer.  Today, though, to make up for it, there will be an extra long post.  First, as promised, is the review of the 2006 remake of Black Christmas.

I know a lot of you kind of hate remakes and I don't blame you BUT, and this is a big but (much like my own), they aren't always a bad thing.  We'll discuss that later.

Let's get started, shall we?

In 2006, I was recovering from a serious downturn in my life and I spent a LOT of time at theaters alone.  To the point where I actually LEFT a holiday party to go and see this on opening night.  I had been looking forward to it for a while, ya see, and I often forewent social niceties in favor of me time.  For anyone that knew me, then, I'm very, very sorry.

In any case, I really think that instead of calling this "Black Christmas", they should have called it "Let's see how many times Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenberg can drop the F-bomb in a misguided effort to drop their cutesy-wootsey little sister TV images".  Beyond that, though, it was a lot of fun.

Fuck you, and fuck you and especially fuck you.  Merry Fuckin' Christmas.
Also?  Andrea Martin After: With Decent Hairstylist Kung-Fu Grip

So the premise is about the same except they streamlined it for a modern audience.  Nobody's concerned about an abortion and there's absolutely no ambiguity about who the killer is/killers are.  There's none of this pussyfooting around with "is it the boyfriend or isn't it", we actually have a legitimate outside force.  HOORAY!  

Enter Billy Lenz.  The physically and sexually abused (and very possibly jaundiced) former occupant of the house AND his (also jaundiced) sister/daughter Alice.  

Better watch out.  He LOVES Christmas.

Y'see, Billy really likes the holidays.  No, wait... he actually kind of doesn't.  His alcoholic mother killed his father on Christmas.  Then his alcoholic mother tried to kill him but, like any well-prepared boy of the mid-80s, he already had hiding spots in the walls and attic so he lived there for quite some time.  And then, one Christmas, his mom gave him a very SPECIAL Christmas gift.  Her meat flaps.  Because mom was all about keeping it in the family and she wanted another kid that her current husband couldn't give her.  Pay no attention to the fact that she was at LEAST in her late 40s at this point (or at least she looked like it).

And this was after she killed the FIRST husband... girl is OLD!

After years of this (at least to the point of his sister/daughter turning 8 or so, Billy finally wigs and kills everybody (except Alice, whom people THOUGHT he killed but he didn't) and he gets caught making christmas cookies out of his mom's beef-jerky-like skin.  Personally, I didn't think cookie cutters were that sharp but we're talking about a kid that lived VOLUNTARILY all People Under The Stairs style for over a decade.

So, anyway, Billy, in true b-movie fashion, stabs his guard at the insane asylum (what exactly are we calling those now?  Not sanitariums... mental health facilities?  Why does being PC have to be so fucking wordy?) with a candy cane he sucked sharp (and who didn't do THAT as a kid) and takes off for home.  

Let the wild rumpus start!!

It's pretty standard slasher fare from here on out.  Killer in strange wardrobe goes about killing sorority girls (for fans of the original, the plastic bag and the unicorn are kept in... YAY).  Slasher ultimately gets killed.  Daughter of slasher survives to take over the family business after saying that all of the dead people are her family now...  OK, so it's not standard but at LEAST we get to see Andrea Martin get impaled with an icicle.

Oddly, though, the sex trope I told you about?  Inverted here.  None of the girls but one are shown having sex and it's the one who not only has sex, but her boyfriend taped it and posted it online, that survives.

So, anyway, this one is a little jumbled but it's not NEARLY the cluster that the original was.  I recommend this one for your holiday enjoyment.

Now... as mentioned previously, we're going to talk about remakes.

I have gotten into some DAMN heated arguments about remakes and all I have to say about that is this.

Opinions are like assholes.  Everybody's got one.

Seriously.  If the studios weren't in this business to actually make money, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.  That being said, they know that horror has a built in audience and that a lot of the movies we consider to be classics sometimes really do need a facelift.  Some movies just do not age well and our grindhouse favorites are among the most needy.

Let's do this, Hennenlotter.

See, here's the thing.  Remakes are made to make money on a franchise and to maintain copyright on original characters, we know this, but, often times, the director assigned to helm the remake still has a passion for horror and knows and respects the original for what it is.  These directors are the "best-friend-step-parent" of fandom.  They know they will not replace our original favorites but they want to build a NEW relationship with a whole new generation of fans who, I'm sorry to say, will likely NOT enjoy the original, particularly in the case of some of the older fare such as Texas Chainsaw or even Black Christmas.

We didn't grow up in the age of the MTV quick cut edit.  We had to have patience in our film-making and had to sit through sometimes MINUTES of unnecessary exposition.  Heavens.  Poor us.  But don't hate the younger audience for enjoying what is in their nature to enjoy.  That's like hating a dog for being able to lick its own nuts.  Rather we should continue to enjoy the originals and try to view the remakes as separate entities.  (Of course, this is barring those remakes that are shot-for-shot updates, like The Hills Have Eyes.  Those kind of scream "COMPARE US!") 

If the remakes suck, call them out on it but there's no reason to say "remakes suck" just for the sake of them being a remake.

That being said, where the fuck is my big-budget remake of Frankenhooker?!?

I want it NOW!

My name is Veruca Salt and I approve this message.