Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Ultimate Gore-A-Thon 2014: The Sickening Sequel!


It's BACK! And gorier than ever.  Because that's how we roll, yo.

ANYWAY, since I didn't focus at ALL on gore last year, I'ma gonna give it to you in SPADES this year.  Shovelfuls.  Buckets.  Mostly because it's stinkin' up the place and I'm a delicate fuckin' flower.

In other news, Ti West still needs to be beaten with an oar.  Because before he gave us pseudo-80's, retro-not-inspired hipster horror, he apparently sucked Eli Roth's dick so much that Roth had to let him direct something to get him to uncork.  And we ended up with Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.

For those of you unaware of the franchise (and, frankly, if you're reading this, you are probably not unaware), Cabin Fever was all about a flesh-eating bacteria infecting a group of campers all unknowingly and causing untold mayhem because they were too stupid to go to the fucking hospital.  Now, we all knew how this was gonna go down if there was a sequel.  That shit was going to spread like the measles at Jenny McCarthy's house.

And it does.  At a school.  Just before Prom.  Because proms are never safe in a horror movie.  Horny teens all sweaty in expensive clothes they'll only wear once are ripe for the pickin', it seems.  So, yeah, and it's because of the world's obsession with bottled water which, seriously?  Does not come from a magical spring in the mountains of Katmandu no matter what they tell you.

Yeah... Bathroom BJs are... ummm... yeah...
I... I can't... I don't...  See, I REEEEEALLLY didn't want to watch this.  And it turns out that  I was right not to want to.  From the moment we see a kid get a blowjob in the bathroom from Hazel the Happy Herpes Donor to watching the same kid remove his finger nail and THEN TRY TO GLUE IT BACK ON HIS PUS-FILLED DIGIT to watching the big girl lose her virginity (and a tooth) and then bleeding out through her vag in the school pool, to the janitor pissing chunky, syrup-y blood in the punchbowl all the way through the end of the (sadly and unfortunately Ocean-Disco-themed) prom, this movie is gross but that's about all it gives us.

Blood and puke do not bounce on light-up dance floors.
Well, it DOES give us Noah Segan, whom I like, and the cute gay daddy-bear principal and his man-mountain of a husband who shows up for all of three seconds being all nelly with his waxed moustache and kids being tear-gassed and choking to death on their own blood in the school gym but, really?  This is trashy, z-grade filth.  Normally, I'd be all about that kind of thing but I just did not care for it.

I'm guessing it was because Ti West has no concept of the balance between horror and comedy because he's the worst horror director, ever, besides Adam Wingard, and I have a feeling that horror-comedy is what he was going for. Fail.

Plus this guy playing the cop should be driving a pedo-van.
Even the cartoon sequences were fucking awful, man.  That was some tacked on bullshit.

I mean, yay, props for gallons of fake blood but, for real, man, this movie was weak.  Weak and helpless like a baby kitten.  Weak like Skyline Chili.

Also, gross like Skyline Chili.  For realsies, never eat there.


  1. Damn, that's a lot of hate for Ti West, lol. I personally love his stuff, especially House of the Devil. Perhaps it's because I live in one of the most hipster-populated cities in the world. Perhaps it's because I tend to like hipsters. Who knows.

    Haven't seen this one though because I didn't really enjoy the first, plus I can't really stand anything with Eli Roth's name attached to it (Grindhouse and The Man With the Iron Fists aside, cause those are awesome).

    1. I haven't seen anything, yet, that I like from Ti West. I think his movies are derivative and inane. I'm sure he's got SOME talent but I have yet to see it.

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  3. "House of The Devil" is the only Ti West vehicle I can stand behind (with a sacrificial knife held aloft over my head in both hands while eerie keyboard music plays) because there are tons of personal and home state Connecticut connections to it. His other stuff is a little played out.

    This one fell totally flat for me as well, especially since I really enjoyed the original. Although you have to admit, blood vomit on a light up disco dance floor is fun.

    1. I didn't care for the original, either but mostly because it had plot holes big enough to drive a semi through.