It's BACK! And gorier than ever. Because that's how we roll, yo.
ANYWAY, since I didn't focus at ALL on gore last year, I'ma gonna give it to you in SPADES this year. Shovelfuls. Buckets. Mostly because it's stinkin' up the place and I'm a delicate fuckin' flower.
In other news, Ti West still needs to be beaten with an oar. Because before he gave us pseudo-80's, retro-not-inspired hipster horror, he apparently sucked Eli Roth's dick so much that Roth had to let him direct something to get him to uncork. And we ended up with Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.
For those of you unaware of the franchise (and, frankly, if you're reading this, you are probably not unaware), Cabin Fever was all about a flesh-eating bacteria infecting a group of campers all unknowingly and causing untold mayhem because they were too stupid to go to the fucking hospital. Now, we all knew how this was gonna go down if there was a sequel. That shit was going to spread like the measles at Jenny McCarthy's house.
And it does. At a school. Just before Prom. Because proms are never safe in a horror movie. Horny teens all sweaty in expensive clothes they'll only wear once are ripe for the pickin', it seems. So, yeah, and it's because of the world's obsession with bottled water which, seriously? Does not come from a magical spring in the mountains of Katmandu no matter what they tell you.
|Yeah... Bathroom BJs are... ummm... yeah...|
|Blood and puke do not bounce on light-up dance floors.|
I'm guessing it was because Ti West has no concept of the balance between horror and comedy because he's the worst horror director, ever, besides Adam Wingard, and I have a feeling that horror-comedy is what he was going for. Fail.
|Plus this guy playing the cop should be driving a pedo-van.|
I mean, yay, props for gallons of fake blood but, for real, man, this movie was weak. Weak and helpless like a baby kitten. Weak like Skyline Chili.
Also, gross like Skyline Chili. For realsies, never eat there.