See No Evil, Have No Fun.

Jen and Sylvia Soska WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!

I say all halfheartedly because, believe it or not, I liked their latest piece of horror fluff, See No Evil 2.

Not to tell you too much about the movie, 'cause it's all new and shit, picture it.  A birthday party in a morgue with a recently "deceased" serial killer with religious mommy issues.

And that's all you need to know for now.

It's rectangular and under a sheet in a morgue.  I wonder what it could be?

Now, first let me start by saying that this movie is NOT perfect at all.  We've got some serious Scooby-Doo bullshit going on but that's kind of OK.  All peeking around corners and "Hey, gang!  Let's split up!" like that's going to really help anybody because everybody knows that those slasher fuckers can teleport.  Plus, how fucking big is this morgue, anyway?  How many morgues do we know that are made up of miles and miles of fucking corridors and still only have 3 people working in them, let alone not let all of the morticians have access to all of the doors?

She can't even.

Also, if someone can tell me exactly what the giant serrated machete Mr. Goodnight finds when he opens the goddamn Batcave weapons stash, that would be appreciated because I really don't see any reason for a morgue to have that sort of thing lying around.

On the other hand, pretty drunk people get slashed in a goddamn morgue!  Am I right?  That's awesome, yes?  Oh, look.  Death and dismemberment where death gets brought to finish up the paperwork.  Look at all the nifty surgical implements.  Preeeeeeetty.  Too bad none of them get used in favor of the giant serrated machete thingy.

But then there's all of the trope-heavy bullshit that, seriously, Soska sisters?  You need to get over.  You're better than this.

For fuck's sake, just walk toward the door.

BUT!  We also have the lovely and talented Katherine Isabelle who brings some much needed humor and lightness to the movie and she's kind of hilarious.  She reminds us that we shouldn't be taking this 90 minute slab of eye-candy too seriously.

She drunk and doin' crazy shit.

I'm not going to say that this is a masterpiece of horror because it's really not.  The Soska twins know what they're doing and this is an enjoyable watch (but, seriously, don't make a drinking game out of it, you'd be dead in the first half-hour from the stupid) and, thankfully, they don't rely on the religious aspects of the first film too much but it's a little blasé about the whole "Hey, we're stuck in a morgue with quite a few exits but our phones are locked in a safe so we can't go for fucking help 'cause he's EVERYWHERE, man!  EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE!"

It's brain-candy and I appreciate that.  Just don't expect award-winning caliber.

*********

Speaking of Brain Candy!  Y'all should check out Carl Bachmann's Kickstarter for his new project Party Slashers.

It looks like it's gonna be awesome and I like helping.

Oddball, Screwball. What's The Difference?

OK, so, I'm going to admit something I've never told anyone before.

I hate Dean Koontz movies.

His books are OK and I kinda liked some of them but I prefer Stephen King, Mira Grant/Seanan McGuire or Robert McCammon for my horror reading pleasure.

That being said:

Odd Thomas is an absolute delight.

Our main character, Odd Thomas (yes, that is really his name, played by Anton Yelchin), has the ability to see spirits.  He can't talk to them because the dead don't speak, but he can see them and help them let go of whatever fetters they have to this world, whether it's a murder or a lost puppy or what have you.  The movie only shows us the murder bits but I'm assuming that getting them to be able to let go is the majority of his job description.

Along with being a fry cook.

His girlfriend, Stormy (Addison Timlin), is the yin to his yang.  The cobbler to his peach.  The daily dose of what were you thinking to his hairbrained-ness.  (No, really.  Hairbrained-ness.  She calls him Pooh Bear because his head's full of stuffin'.  Not literally but you know what I mean.)  It's all very adorable in that whole "eventually they end up in danger" kind of way.

Awwwwww.

Odd doesn't make his abilities known to everyone but the police chief (Willem Dafoe) knows about it and helps him create more believable tales when he gets involved in the weird in a more physical fashion so he doesn't end up incarcerated.  It's a good arrangement.  They're like family  Again with the "awwwwww."

But then trouble comes in.  BIG trouble in the form of bodachs, evil beings who are drawn to carnage and mayhem (aren't we all)?  The more of them there are, the more carnage there'll be and this one guy in the diner has them dripping off of them like butter at a fuckin' lobster festival.  Odd can't let this one go.  He has to go save the day.

Eeeeew, it touched her!

So, before I give the story away completely, I have to say that this is fun supernatural horror.  It's not dark and it doesn't have to be.  It's a breeze to watch, it's not overly complicated, the dialogue is fun and it's got that right mix of up and down that I like.  It's like a mouse coaster.  Hills and bumps enough to be fun but none of the loops (which are also fun but in a different way).

No, seriously. This is quick-witted and almost perky.  Well, as perky as Anton Yelchin gets.  He's got some comedy chops, though, and he's not your average "Adventureland/Superbad" kind of Judd Apatow nerd in this one like he was in the Fright Night remake.  He's grown and it shows.  There's a maturity to his snarkiness in this one that I really liked.  The interaction between Odd and Stormy is just shy of perfection and, because I'm a weepy nerd, I watered up a little at the end.  It's a bittersweet one, kids.

This is not a gore-fest.  This is not full of jump-scares.  This is about a Ghostbusters level of creepy which makes for an excellent kids-introduction-to-horror movie.  Yeah, there's some violence but it's no worse than your average police procedure drama.  The more gruesome stuff is implied and not seen.

I really did enjoy this one.  Give it a go.

Are You Feeling Randy, Baby?

Day 3 of Pre'Ween, kiddos!  And today is a good day.

It is a good day because Horns is available on-demand!

Thank you modern internet age!

Considering that this is from Joe Hill, son of Stephen King, author of Heart-Shaped Box and writer for the AMAZING comic series Locke and Key (which should have been fucking green-lit for TV because that would have been some amazing shit, yo), you should expect quality and you get it.  In spades.  Pitchforkfuls, really.

So, here's the story.  A grief-stricken young man (Daniel Radcliffe and OH how Harry Potter has grown... I don't normally like 'em thin but I'll make an exception 'cause I'm bi-size-ual) who has been accused of the murder of the love of his life is just trying to get through the trial.  He's being hounded by the press, misunderstood by his friends and family and drowning himself in drink.  Only his lawyer seems to have any faith in him. 

And then this happens:

He calls this Blue Steel.

Yep.  Horns.  And the prosthetics are WONDERFUL.  They give him the power to hear everyone's sins.  Not in a psychic kind of way.  People just tell him.  Like ultimate TM-Fucking-I kind of stuff.  The girl who he just slept with (after a night of drunken broken-heartedness) REALLY wants to eat a box of donuts.  NOW.  A little girl wishes to burn her mommy.  Mommy wishes to drive off and desert the spoiled brat and hook up with her golf instructor.  The reception at the nurses's office REALLY wants to yell at the lady to her her screechy brat to shut the fuck up.  There's this fantastic scene with the doctor after he tries to get them removed that you HAVE to see.

Heather Graham as a lying hose-beast.  BRILLIANT!

And when he touches them, he can SEE their sins. 

He decides, like any sane person would, to use his new powers for good and find his girl's killer.

YAY!!!  REVENGE!

That, right there, is some ominous shit.

Now, I haven't read the book in a while so I can't compare it to the film but I REALLY enjoyed this one.  Even the minor characters and walk-ons were fleshed out in some way.  You knew secrets and lies about EVERYONE.  It was small-town gossip writ large.  It was a little bit like Joe Hill expanded on the idea of his dad's book/movie Needful Things only without the crass commercialism and the "devil" in this was a force for good.and it was delicious.

Plus, there were pretty, pretty snakes.  A lot of them.

About the only thing that I can really dig on with this is that the visual metaphors were kind of over the top but, damn, if you're gonna give the main character literal horns you may as well go big or go home, right?  Besides it all blended nicely with the whole idea that even Satan was once an angel.

I'm not big on religious stuff as a rule but Horns, even with the blatant imagery (Really?  Eve's Diner?  The logo being an apple?), it wasn't ham-handed with it.  None of the characters, barring the priest, were overtly religious and even the scenes in the church were light and poignant to the story of the budding relationship rather than being religious in and of themselves.

Some of this movie is a laugh riot.

And there's really this perfect blend of pathos and humor that makes it a joy to watch.  It feels... real.  It's not a roller coaster of emotions, it's just... life.  Bad things happen to good people.  Bad people get what's coming to them and sometimes karma is a hilarious bitch.  Alexandre Aja knocked this one out of the park.

Truly, if I get the chance to see this in theaters when it comes out on the 29th, I will GLADLY do so but having it come out on-demand first was a glorious treat.  A treat that I can freely engage in without aggravating my pancreas.  I love treats.

HIGHLY fucking recommended.  This is a work of art. 

Subtlety... There Can Be Too Much

Day 2 of Pre'Ween and I'm already disappointed.  Not with the event.  With Naya fucking Rivera.

Because At the Devil's Door was sooooo laaaaaame.

It's your standard Rosemary's Baby-esque dealio with a little bit of Fallen tossed in to bitch things up.

It starts with a girl in the 80s playing a game that, seriously, she should have been smart enough to say "no" to.  Fuckin' teenagers.  Why y'all gotta be so fuckin' dumb, for real?  When you see the evil dude with the broken-down aging hooker, you don't play games of chance with them.

Anyway, she gets all possessed and shit and, because this is a body-jumper there's this whole chain of events that leads to Naya Rivera's sister being all dead.  Naya, of course, has to go all Scooby-Doo on it.  Like a moron.

Just an orange sweater away...

She gets all knocked up and shit and bears the anti-christ.  Because duh.

Oh, did I give away the ending?  You really should have seen that coming.  I don't care if you watch this or not because fuck me, I was bored. 

See?  She gets it.

This was some cold boogers on a paper plate.  You want to know what's better than watching this movie?  SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  Do not want.  Sorry this is short but there's really nothing else to say.  Bland and boring and not worth your time.

Ms. Rivera, you're better than this.  Go do better.  Volunteer somewhere.  Whales need help.

A, B, SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

WELCOME TO PRE'WEEN!!!  It's totally a thing that Movies at Dog Farm does and it's TOTALLY FUN!  All countin' down the days to Halloween 'n' shit.  Did I mention I like Halloween?  'Cause I like Halloween .  30 days left, by the way.  Just sayin'.

Nothing's gonna change around here, really, but I love things that give me a reason to write.

ANYWAY!

Oooooooh, kids, I've been WAITING for this one and thanks to the auspices of TWC's On-Demand menu I HAVE WITNESSED THE AWESOME.

AGAIN!

AND AGAIN!

AND A-MUTHAFUCKIN'-GAIN!

'Cause here's another 26 tiny slices of phonetic fear that hurts soooooo gooooooood in the form of The ABCs of Death 2.

Well, not ALL of it.  Frankly, some of these, as with any anthology film, seriously suck, but the gems shine bright and I heart them. 

For real, what was this crap?

Just like the first ABC's of Death, we've got a whole lot of mondo cinema packed into 3-5 minute snippets and we got some awesome talent like Bill Plympton and the Soska sisters bringing us some FUCKED UP SHIT, yo.  "V is for Vacation" is a particularly nasty headtrip but I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT.  Because I'm mean and this is MAH house.

No, seriously, there's a lot of whackadoodle shit in here, particularly from the foreign directors but we have some genuine horror, broad themes (homosexuality in not one but TWO of the shorts (not counting the faux-lesbians in A is for Amateur), religion, the plight of the millennial, capital punishment, Thai hookers, vaginal odor), a truly staggering amount of pathos, some fantastically dark humor, some quick, some taking a bit but in all of these the payoff is wonderfully gruesome.

Stone cold bleak, yo.

Some of my favorites?  Well, the Soska sisters' "T is for Torture Porn" is fucking delicious.  It's deeply feminist, pro-person, anti-asshole message is firmly present while, at the same time, being cheeky as hell.  "E is for Equilibrium" plays merry hell with desert island tropes.  "S is for Split" was a short and brilliantly done split-screen home invasion piece.  And my favorite?

C'mere you handsome devil you.  I have candy.

This year's winner for the coveted "26th Director" spot was "M is for Masticate"  a beautiful, High-Def, slow-motion romp in the street with our nearly nekkid hairball up there just a joggin' away.  Fur and sweat glistening in the sun.  Lookin' all happy, like he's gonna catch a frisbee in his teeth.  It's a horror short so it doesn't end well but, seriously, I'm 'bout to divorce reality from fantasy here and say right here and now that:

I.

Fucking.

Call.

Dibs.

Seriously, this man should call me.  My husband would totally understand. Yes, I think with my dick.

Suck it.

Again, there's gonna be shit you hate in this one but, fuck, I'm watching it AGAIN as I type this if that tells you anything.

Much like the first one, this is highly recommended as a case study of mondo micro-cinema and y'all should be watching it right now.  Why are you still here?  Go!  Shoo!