Unfortunately, the other new movie I got to force into my eye sockets was The Gallows.
So, what shall we say about The Gallows, hmm? Let's see. I KNOW!
WHAT IDIOT MOTHERFUCKER GOT THIS GREENLIT?!?
I mean, yeah, "school haunting by the kid who got accidentally hung in a school play because the people building the sets didn't know how to rig it so he didn't actually die" is a seemingly solid premise, right? Could be spooky. Lots of chances for theater shenanigans, do you think?
|This is less than 5 minutes in and it's like the worst parent/school play home video ever.|
For starters, the plot, here, isn't "the production of the play is haunted". The plot is "Asshole teenager that isn't content with just sitting at home, faux sexting, skyping with friends after bedtime and being young and pretty decides that in order for his buddy to win the heart of the lead actress in the school play, he has to first tell said lead actress that his buddy has a crush and then convince said buddy, who is the lead actor only he's not good at all which speaks volumes for the dork they cast for this movie, that the play will tank if he tries to deliver a single line so they have to break into the school at night through this door that is never locked (which sets off a whole lot of "look at me, I'm the school maintenance guy and I should be fired on the goddamn spot" whistles) and break the set."
You're gonna look me in the eye and tell me that someone actually put this in writing? Someone got paid thousands of dollars for this? How do I get in on that because I'm relatively certain that I could fall asleep on my fucking keyboard and come up with a better story than this.
|OHNOES! The school is dark and we can only depend on the light from this Sony Handicam for lumination!|
|Your dad was supposed to have been the guy that died? Tell me more. Oh, wait. I don't fucking care.|
Yeah, even for found-footage, this is a dumpster fire. It's about as Dramamine-worthy as Blair Witch with the screaming found in Unfriended and, shockingly, none of the actual spookiness of Paranormal Activity.
|Hell of a hicky.|
Yes, there are examples of well-made found-footage films. This is not, by any stretch of the fucking imagination, one of them.
If it hadn't been for the fact that I enjoy writing these articles, I wouldn't have touched this with your father's dick.