She's a DOLL!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I made myself watch Annabelle.  I didn't wanna do it, I had to.  Like it was some kind of sick obsession.  I didn't even LIKE The Conjuring!  But, no, I had to see the horrible for myself because I am what?

A glutton for punishment.

 DAMMIT, I hated this movie.

So, we all know ABOUT the doll, Annabelle, from The Conjuring but this movie is about the doll itself and the havoc it wreaks on a poor pregnant woman's body and sanity.  Because dolls are creepy.  We know and understand this.  We also know that creepy dolls, such as Chucky and Tiffany, are, 9 times out of 10, going to try and kill you.

THERE'S MORE THAN ONE OF THEM?!?

Well, in this flick, we find out how Annabelle got to be the soul-sucking plastic homunculi she is today.  Or at least she was in the 70s.

Bearing in mind that this movie was "based on a true story", the doll was involved in some fuckin' occult murder or some shit and soaked up the blood of one of the stabbers.  Because this was all planned through the auspices of patchouli and weed.  To bring a demon to Earth.  Because they thought they had a chance to gain power from it.  Because cultists are fucking idiots.

Seriously.  A damn DOLL?  They couldn't just kidnap a baby like normal people?  They had to link this demon to a doll?  Demons don't particularly care for dress up and tea time, do they?  Who fucking knew?

"I like your doll."  Best line in the movie.  Not saying much.

Anyway, the movie is all about dealing with the potential loss of a child and a cursed doll.  That's really it.  Nothing groundbreaking.  Nothing even interesting.  I pity Alfre Woodard who has been relegated to being the magical fucking negro.  Yes, that's a trope.  Yes, it's racist.  Yes, Alfre should be slapping the bejeezus out of her agent right about now.

Why did we let this movie get made?  Who let the editor put in all of the boring.  ALL OF THE BORING!  There are a few people I need to punch in the dick right about now and hopefully that bit of exercise will allow me to get the hour and a half I wasted on this shit back into my life.

Is it REALLY a good idea to give a priest anything that resembles a child?

This whole movie was Snoozeville.   Not only was it nap-worthy but it was disjointed, badly acted (sorry, Alfre), horrifically costumed and OMFGPONIESONTHEBBQ, that fucking doll is entirely too butt-ugly to be anything but recyclables.  Not scary, people.  Just incredibly fucking ugly.  If it was an actual PRETTY doll and went through some kind of metamorphosis to represent it's possession, I may not have had such a problem but even before the film started it looked like it fell out of an ugly tree and hit every goddamn branch on the way down.

Plus the basement scene was just idiotic.

I'm going to need to start reading some calculus textbooks to get some of the IQ points I lost back, here.  I hate math.  See that, filmmakers?  You made me math.

I hate you so fucking hard, right now.

I'm just glad it's over.  Now I can pray for the sweet release of a violent death so that I can forget this movie ever existed.

That Which Man Was Not Meant To Know

You know how I keep saying found-footage movies suck donkey balls? 

I'm about to be a little bit of a hypocrite only not really because The Atticus Institute is a mockumentary.

The premise behind this movie is a parapsychological testing lab created in the 60s.  Like most of these institutions, they had they battery of tests.  The cards, the dice, the coins, the electric football tables... wait, seriously?  Electric football tables?  I know they were a thing but, for fuck's sake, there has to be a better way to test telekinesis.

ANYWAY!

Everything is going all "Ho-hum, I'm so bored with trying to find people that actually have magical powers.  When will someone with real power come and make ten years of this bullshit worth it?"  And along comes Judith Winstead.

And she is PISSED!

Now, we can tell right away that good ole Judy has some... issues.  Frankly, the folks at the institute had to be blind and deaf to not know this.  They kept going, though, because she was blowing the other psychics away with her utter mastery of "mind over body".

This doesn't end well for a damn one of them.

A sad, sad, lonely man who may or may not be a total perv.  The movie doesn't mention his sex life.

And WHY, do you ask, does it not end well?  Because Judith is fucking possessed.  She's not just crazy, we're talking inches away from crab-walking down stairs and a full-on Exorcist twist.  (And there's your Buffy reference for the day.)

This... should have tipped them off.

Now, I don't normally go in for possession movies but I have to say that this one was a pleasant surprise.  It wasn't preachy, it was just people in an extreme circumstance.  There was almost no reference to religion until the end when they had to bring in a priest.  (Mind you, not an old priest and a young priest.  Just one priest.  He does not do his job right.)  It was... refreshing, if not original.  There have been plenty of films that reference studying psychic phenomena as a focal point for evil.  This one just used the old tropes extremely well.

Except for this.  What the fuck is this?

The effects?  Old hat, unfortunately.  Yeah, there was some CGI splatter.  That didn't make me happy.  What, did you blow your budget on 70s pimp-wear and couldn't afford some fucking Karo syrup and food coloring?  Seriously?  What the fuck?

Overall, I really did like this one.  maybe not enough to watch it again, but it was certainly a couple of hours well-spent.  If you don't mind a slow-burn, check it out, kids.

No, I'm a Frayed Knot

So, yesterday was a bit of a treat for me as I got some downtime in wedding planning (Yes, I'm getting married!  If you would like to help out with that for whatever reason, click here and thank you in advance!) so I got to watch a couple of new movies rather than half-assing my way through flicks I'd already seen.

Unfortunately, the other new movie I got to force into my eye sockets was The Gallows.

So, what shall we say about The Gallows, hmm?  Let's see.  I KNOW!

WHAT IDIOT MOTHERFUCKER GOT THIS GREENLIT?!? 

I mean, yeah, "school haunting by the kid who got accidentally hung in a school play because the people building the sets didn't know how to rig it so he didn't actually die" is a seemingly solid premise, right?  Could be spooky.  Lots of chances for theater shenanigans, do you think?

This is less than 5 minutes in and it's like the worst parent/school play home video ever.

Yeah, no.  Ish.  I mean, there are plenty of shenanigan-like opportunities but none that are actually taken.

For starters, the plot, here, isn't "the production of the play is haunted".  The plot is "Asshole teenager that isn't content with just sitting at home, faux sexting, skyping with friends after bedtime and being young and pretty decides that in order for his buddy to win the heart of the lead actress in the school play, he has to first tell said lead actress that his buddy has a crush and then convince said buddy, who is the lead actor only he's not good at all which speaks volumes for the dork they cast for this movie, that the play will tank if he tries to deliver a single line so they have to break into the school at night through this door that is never locked (which sets off a whole lot of "look at me, I'm the school maintenance guy and I should be fired on the goddamn spot" whistles) and break the set."

Wait, what?!?

You're gonna look me in the eye and tell me that someone actually put this in writing?  Someone got paid thousands of dollars for this?  How do I get in on that because I'm relatively certain that I could fall asleep on my fucking keyboard and come up with a better story than this.

OHNOES!  The school is dark and we can only depend on the light from this Sony Handicam for lumination!

So, they get into the school as planned and then get locked in, natch, and are found only by the aforementioned lead actress which is... weird.  Because there are no security cameras in this school?  No security personnel patrolling the grounds?  No janitor?  C'mon, man, Old Mr. Wilkins should have shown up at least ONCE in this Scooby Doo shitshow!  Have you no respect for the standard tropes of teenage horror films?

Your dad was supposed to have been the guy that died?  Tell me more.  Oh, wait.  I don't fucking care.

Whatever, n00bs.

Yeah, even for found-footage, this is a dumpster fire.  It's about as Dramamine-worthy as Blair Witch with the screaming found in Unfriended and, shockingly, none of the actual spookiness of Paranormal Activity. 

Hell of a hicky.

I literally cannot describe to you how much I NEED this to be the death knell of the found-footage genre.  I get that it's cheap to make but time and time again, it SHOWS how cheaply it was made.  You're not giving us actors, you're giving us improv and screaming.  You're not giving us a plot, you're giving us "run around with the camera and pretend you know what you're doing".

Yes, there are examples of well-made found-footage films.  This is not, by any stretch of the fucking imagination, one of them.

If it hadn't been for the fact that I enjoy writing these articles, I wouldn't have touched this with your father's dick.

Chuck E. Cheese's, Where a Kid Can Be a Snack.

You might want to sit down for this because I'm going to say something that I don't believe I've ever said before on the pages of this blog.

Are you sitting?

You really want to stand?

Are you sure?

OK, it's your funeral.

I found a movie since Hostel that I did not hate with Eli Roth's name attached to it and it's about a killer clown.

There.  I said it.  WHEW, it feels good to get that off my chest.  I feel so much... oh, hey, there, buckaroo?  Why are you cringing in the corner?  Didja see a ghost?  OH! 

That "clown" thing.

Well, I told you you should be sitting down. 

Seriously, folks, BIG trigger warning, here, if you're coulrophobic, you should skip right on by this review.  (But, please, seriously, don't... I need the site traffic.)

Boo.

ANYway.  So, the deal here is that this guy has the clown for his kid's birthday party cancel on him so he's all "well, crap" but as he's rummaging through a house he's remodeling, he comes across, wouldn't you know it, a fucking clown suit and he's all "Everything will be fine, honey, *click*"  SO he shows up to the party all clowned up and saves the day and all of the kids are too hopped up on cake and balloon animals to recognize that clowns are fucking creepy as balls.

It continues that he can't get the damn thing off.

Well, that's worrisome.

Like, REALLY can't get the suit off.  It's like someone superglued it on him in his sleep.  But, they didn't.

Get used to that hair, cowboy.

So, yeah, blah, blah, demon skin, blah, blah, needs to eat 5 kids to get the fucking thing off, blah, blah Peter Stormare looking incredibly homeless, blah, blah, only other option is beheading, action ensues.

With all of the "blahs" up there, you'd think that I hated this but, to be completely honest, I didn't.  It was not genre-changing in the least, and it could use a little pick-me-up in the way of body count and gore but this is a solid story.  On the surface, it's your standard monster movie.  A heaping helping of "That's not your Daddy, anymore" with a decent sized portion of demonic possession (complete with utterly fictional Scandinavian Demon backstory), and a side order of childhood phobia.

Cloyne: From the people that brought you Lutefisk... Oh, wait.  Lutefisk is a real thing.

Underneath, though, you can catch little hints of "what happens if my husband dies" and "how do we deal with the very real possibility of mental illness".  How do I know if I can make the hard choices, here?  Because these are real grown-up fears and it's nice to see some attention being paid to them.  Because adulting is hard and the world needs to be reminded of that by way of horror movies about clowns.

Plus, this little ass-weasel totally deserves whatever he gets, foul mouthed little bullying son-of-a-bitch.

Now, this movie isn't going to be winning any major awards any time soon but I won't say it's a bad way to spend a few hours, either.  New director Jon Watts (whose breath still probably smells like Roth's nutsack but we all have to start somewhere, I guess) didn't hit it out of the park but he did snag a couple of bases. 

I caught it on YouTube of all places but I wouldn't expect it to be there for long because copyright and stuff.  

May I suggest a cotton candy and peanut snack tray?